Demoralised....

The colour explains my mood today, demoralised. I started on a high note, but i was badly demoralised today, wounded. Today marks the 3rd week of my PT. I was counting previously, i lost 2kgs in 2 weeks. With the rate i was going, i tot i should reach my first short term goal within this week. Alas, i was wrong. This week, my week remained stagnant, I did not lose any kg at all. What had happened?

I am not sure what i have done wrong. Could it be because my body got use to the exercise routine? Could it be because my menses are coming and i have water retention that contribute to the wt? Could it be i was eating too much outside food that i exceed my carbo intake daily? Could it be i had built up muscles and muscles weigh more than fats which explained the stagnant in weight? I had too much questions on my mind...it all boils down to why? Why was there no weight loss? Nothing could explain my disappointment.

I am not sure if it is a jinx. Usually, after i lost the 2nd kg, i will hit a plateau and i would start putting on weight. I certainly hope this is not happening. Whenever i announced to my fren that i had lost 2kg, i would start gaining all of them back. Is that happening now? I got really paranoid. My aim is to be 62kg or 60kg by chinese new year. However, the results this week really demoralised me. I feel so lousy.

I think i must review what i did last week. Not sure if it was due to too many unhealthy food i had. Whatever it was, i took salad with no carbo, so that should not be the case. Maybe this week, i would try to vary my exercise routine. By carrying more weights, challenging myself to the limits. I had been too lenient on myself, letting myself go if i cannot lift the weights. This week, i promised myself, no outside food, i will increase my intensity of weight training and i will start on progressive run and more variety of crunches.

I remember i still have 2 goals to fulfill. To achieve a sub 50 kg weight and to be a normal person. I cannot give up now, i must perserve....focus focus focus. Hopefully things will turn out to be better next week. Hopefully, i can make up for this week, by losing 2kgs in the next week. I will try to get down to some activity if time permits tmr.

Please do not disappoint me, i m not taking any shortcuts and i m working hard, please let me see the results i desire.......meanwhile i will continue to work hard. I will do anything to lose to the weight that i desire.....

Perservance......

Work is starting to pile up.....no good. In lousy mood today. Cant solve the layout of one report and had to rush back to work after kickboxing...nevertheless, now is my rest time, leave the work behind me.

In another 20 min, i have 24 days to my deadline. I am reminding myself everyday, i need to perk up, beef up. I hope i can lose another 2kgs in another 24 days. Doesnt seem like a hard feat i guess, but i am just taking it slowly. Everyday, i will minus one day from my msn, in that way, i will constantly remind myself how far i m from my deadline.

Deadline makes pp work harder i guess. In 2 weeks, i dropped 2kgs, so what is 2kgs in another 24 days. After the 24 days, i have to shed another 8kgs in another 8 weeks. Honestly, that is my aim and i m trying hard to stay focus. I had a lot of temptations at work, thanks to a nice bunch of colleagues. Choclates from Beligium, cakes, ang gu kueh, everyday they will come up wif different deliciaces to tempt me. Of course, i wun give in. I am well-known for my determination. Perhaps i should have set bigger goals, i shld aim to drop another 3kgs in another 24 days. I should not been too kind to myself. I shld learn from Jason, to try and challenge the machine. This friday, i am gg to slowly build up my progressive sprinting and making the neurons connect to my limbs.

I think i will perserve this time round. Time is running out for me, so i have no excuses to lag back on my timeschedule. Actually, i feel i am very fit now. Think i have never been fitter than now. And i can feel my agility is improving and so is my strength. For once, i really kept a close watch on my diet. I did not have rice for the 3rd week in the row. I remember in the past, i always gave myself excuses, but now no more. I am going to follow strictly, low carb, moderate protein, moderate fat. If i want to succeed, i have o perserve.

Here is a typical schedule: Monday - light run for 20 min. Tue - gym workout, Wed - kickboxing, Thu - Rest, Fri- gym workout, Sat- rest, Sun- Swimming cum running. With that kind of workout and diet, i think i should be able to lose weight.....more than anything. Right now, my mind is pretty focus on food and workout. I want to make my case a success story. I promise myself, if i do lose to the weight i wanted, i will write down my story how i made it, how to lose weight and most importantly, how to stay healthy.

Most importantly for now is to stay focus, and perserve and achieve my targets set....i still have 24 days to go.

Meeting Up

Well, life has been good to me so far in 2007. No longer am I spending my time during the weekend on work. I guess my resolution has started working, i am not going to work unnecessarily. Really, life has more meaning than only just work. Just met up wif a few old frens last thursday. Hmm, it was a good meeting i must say. One of the frens is someone whom i have not spoken to / seen for over 10 odd years, after we left secondary school.

So the 4 of us were trying to catch back the old times. I had a feeling it was like a church session, everyone sharing their stories on how life has been to them over the years. One thing is for sure, age is catching up with us, but like i told the rest, we are just about to embark the best part of life, so we should learn to embrace it. To me, 0-10 years is growing up, 10-20 is pursuing your studies, 20-30 is finding out what you want in life. 30-40 is to enjoy your fruit of labour and 40 onwards you should learn to take things easy.

There were some shocking relevations during the gathering though. My buddy fren in secondary school finally admitted she is a lesbian. I thought that was really brave of her. All along I have suspected her to be one of them, but I never have the guts to ask her. I feel happy for her to come clean with it, it means at least she is accepting herself for who she is. That i thought, is a new chapter in life. For another fren, it was a up and down time over the last few years. She had a failed relationship, parents ended up in divorce, her work is not getting recognition and her sister is diagnosed with schizio. However, a miracle happened to her. She was knocked down by a car and she was totally unhurt. To her, that is God's calling to her and she became devoted to God, working part time and serving him at the same time. Honestly, I guess I cannot really understand because I have heard many such cases, but have yet to witness it myself. Perhaps it is really the Lord's doing, but I did feel she was a bit of an extremist and I have to admit I did feel sorta of uncomfortable, but well we all have our own beliefs.

The third fren of that day came a long way wif me. We been in the same ECA and we sorta of support each other in ECA. She is a teacher now and really, looking at her gives me some sort of hope. She is one of the few persons whom i know that really got a passion for teaching and for that I admire her. Like me, she had a simple life, learning to be happy each day. The funniest thing i could remember from her that day was her encounter wif SDU's speed dating. She told us, there were abt 20 guys and 20 girls sitting on one side of the table each. Each has 3 min to intro themselves. And every 3 min, they would switch places. And at the end of it, she would have to submit a piece of paper on which guy she would love to meet. She told us she submitted a blank piece of paper because she was so tired after the whole thing. I find it very hilarious.

I guess over the years, we definitely have met some setbacks in life and we have wallowed and mellowed. For myself, i have a fair share of life experiences. An unrecipocrated relationship, a mudane job, the period of time living in black box, I do not think i have it easy over the years too. Though so, I do believe that having a strong state of mind, i will be able to pull through a lot of things. Yes, I have been unhappy over a lot of things, but I guess i can choose to learn from it and learn to be happy. Happiness is actually a state of mind, isnt it?

Looking back, I think I have grown wiser by all the different encounters in life. It was great meeting up with the folks, to look at how pple cope wif their differences in life and coming to terms with who they really are. Like i say, now is the best part of our life, coming to terms wif all the decisions we have really made. For that, I am grateful to God for He has made me appreciate myself more and I will strive to learn more as the day goes by.

夕阳无限好，只是近黄昏

夕阳无限好，只是近黄昏。从河内回来后，我忽然间有这样的感觉。也许在Halong Bay 看到的夕阳，给了我许多的启示，或许回来两个星期后，心情逐渐恢复平静。时间，永远都不会对我撒谎，永远是我最真实地提醒。

刚回来时，还每天都和你聊着。虽然我早已经知道，我们很快就会断线。最令我醒悟的是那一天，我和你说我不喜欢洋人， 而是亚洲人， 尤其像你这样有头脑的人。你不信，说因为你穷，生活水准低，我不会看上你。

我想，我就是那么的另类。我欣赏的人，通常都是有头脑的，生活富不富裕反而是其次。也许因为自己穷过，所以没把金钱看得那么重。很可惜，我们的相遇地点在河内，如果是在本地，或许我们会有下文。因为你的那一番话，让我不再抱任何的希望，毕竟我们是活在不同世界的人。

夕阳无限好，只是近黄昏，我觉得这样形容我们的关系很贴切。表面看起来，感觉很悲观，其实我是抱着乐观的态度看待这一次的缘分。虽然我们见面的日子很短，可是却很棒。我在河内看到人因为有希望而奋斗，也发现原来我欣赏的男人，一定要比我聪明，虽然不一定要比我有成就。在短短的相遇中，我悟了这个道理，所以我觉得是乐观的。

最近，日子又回到以往的步伐，已经没那么挂念你了。心里恢复以往的平静。虽然只是短短的一份情愿，可是我想我会永远记得你。可能，你就是我掌纹上，那条虽短，但还是make a difference 的那个人。

很高兴认识你！

First Decision for Year 2007

Yes, it is now year 2007. I am approaching an exciting part of my life, i feel. In order to start the year on a high note, I have made the first decision of the year. It is something that I wanted to do for a long time, but I am not sure if I have the guts to stick to it. This year, in Jan, I have finally make up my mind. I feel it is my last chance as age is catching up with me.

I have finally signed up a personal training course. I promised myself, before I hit the age of 30 (where the metalbolism starts slowing down), I will get rid of the extra fats I have. Actually, I know I have to do it. My health is not in a good state again. 3 years ago, I had managed to lose 15kgs and I was becoming "normal". Alas, after a change of job, I had put on weight due to excessive drinking and eating and I was not normal again. This year, I told myself, by hook by crook I will have to rid myself of the fats and aim for the kind of body I have always wanted.

Health to me is the most important asset in the world. Without it, I cannot do anything. I have a condition of hormones inbalance. The doctor whom I have seen for the last 13 years, could only give me contraceptives to induce my period. Besides that, she can only tell me my condition is caused by excessive overweight. I buy the story, but I never see the need to lose the extra fats until recently it dawned on me that I can strike ovarian cancer. Finally, the last few years, I became very health conscious. I tried everything that could make me normal. Though losing some of the extra pounds help, it was not enough. I have to lose more. I started losing faith in my doctor, she is not helping at all. I turned to Chinese medicine. To others, it may not be a big deal, but to me it is. I cannot take chinse medicine. Since young, whenever I smelled it, I would puke. I could still remember how Mum chased after me with a cane if I puked, but there was nothing I could stop myself from throwing out. This time, I told myself if I wanted to get well, I would endure anything. Yes, anything to make myself normal.

I think I started the year on the right track. After my recent stint in Hanoi and Luang Prabang, I had lost about 4kgs. With my current training program, I was aiming to go below 60kgs for the first time in my life. I hope I could achieve my aim. I am determined to make myself healthier. And yes, I will do anything to get rid of the fats, though through legitimate means. For the next two weeks, I am aiming to hit 62kgs. After which, 60kgs. I have 12 weeks and I certainly hope after riding the extra fats, I will be a normal healthy woman.

Life is short, we must learn to treasure the body given to us. Time waits for no one. It is sad that it took me so long to come to terms to being healthy. However, I am at the same time glad. It is better late than never. Hopefully, before my 30th birthday this year, I can see a miracle. That i have managed to lose those stubborn fats. If i do, I vow I will never ever get them back.

We shall see. I am glad I have made the important decision this year. :)

回来了

我回来了。休息了十八天，终于回来了。
此刻的心情，很复杂。
脑海里，依旧留着度假的美景。
我，真的不想回到现实。

脑海里，遗留着河内的种种。
想念在Halong Bay的日子。
在船上，那么的无忧无虑。
和Nam聊个东南西北。
我，好想念。

脑海里，遗留着Sapa的情景。
那一个不小心，就会滚下山的情景。
每走一步，我都很小心。
结果，还是不小心，摔了一跤。
于是，我发现人的极限是无止尽的。
毅力才是最后的胜利。
很享受trekking 后的成果。
我，爱上了trekking。

脑海里，遗留着今年的平安夜。
想起那满天的星星。
那一刻，我想起了家人，朋友还有你。
流星划过，我立刻许了一个愿。
但愿，梦想回成真。

脑海里，依旧全是你。
回来了，我们依旧连线。
对话时，我们依旧有数不尽的想念。
我们，来真的吗？

我想，我有点动心了。
见面后，开始动心了。
也许，你的性格吸引了我。
纵然，我晓得我们没有下文。

我希望，我们依旧是朋友。
我希望，我们能成为知己。
我希望，我对你没有期望。
我希望，我能把你当朋友。

End of year....Start of year

Well, after a long break, I am finally ready to make my first post of the year. Of course, to whoever is reading this, Happy New Year. From the part of the world where I come from, it seemed 2007 is a good year, with good increment and good bonus. Before I dwell on what I expect for the year to come, I think is important to count my blessings in 2006. Indeed, after the 18 days stint in Hanoi and Luang Prabang, I have learnt to count my blessings by the day which made me a happier person.

2006, I think I started the year on a high note. My ex-boss kept his promise that I achieved a high distinction where my career was concerned. He made me a project leader, put me in charge of a major project and gave me his unconditional support. It was sad that things did not turn out to be what we expected. He left without seeing his brainchild being born, while I continued the struggles under the new management. 2006 was a crazy year where work was concerned. I could be in 3 different places in one week. Singapore - Shanghai - Sydney. Sometimes, when I woke up, I could not remember where I was. Though it was a challenge physically and mentally, I took it in good stride. Like what my ex-boss said, this project brought out the best in me. I endured, struggled, confronted, worked my guts out. The end product was a more versatile me, who was ready to rise to occasion. Though our paths had now deviated, he would be somebody I always had great respect for. Someone who could really tame a wild horse like me, the first person whom I had no complaints for slogging my guts out. Thankful would be the word i used to describe knowing him. Someday (i hope in the not too distant future), I hope our paths would cross again.......

2006, another challenge was i finished my grad dip in Psych. To me, that was an achievement. It meant a stop to all those writing/reading of essays, references and finally some time for me to rest. No doubt i learnt a lot thru the course, but i had qualms about continuing. I knew i would not practise, not that i was not up to it, just that it was not my calling, maybe just not yet. Thru Psych, i knew more abt myself, but i was not ready to help pp thru it. It was meant for myself that i took up the course, to understand the often confused and complicated inner self. And becos of a rash decision i made years ago while studying, i was faced with the decision of leaving my beloved family and country for a dream in a foreign land. Though i have decided to leave, i will BE BACK. I just realise time was too short, and i had not done a lot of things in my own land. I told myself, i would be there just to experience life, once i m tired, i would set my path back, back to the place where i was born, where my family and friends were, back to the place where i called HOME.........

2006 was another travelling year. Besides the numerous business trips, i went to Redang, HongKong, Taiwan, Vietnam and Laos. I think i had almost covered majority of Asia. Budget was one of my concerns......I did not want to spend too much on travelling. So i opted for all the cheap places. And Vietnam and Laos met my expectations, 18 days, 1.5k. Actually, right now I really miss Hanoi a lot. I am not sure why. Perhaps its pp, its scenary, its food and its traffic are very distinctive. Perhaps, it was really a trip that i called REST. I have time to think over things, to realise how lucky i have been and i finally understood what it means by being contented. In the past, i was always unhappy because i have had a lot of desires. Perhaps, the guide i met in Hanoi, his name was Nam, taught me how to cherish the things and pp around me. My cousin mentioned i was different when i came back. I was less frustrated....whenever i was upset with work, i would think of the pp in Hanoi, how they managed to stay happy despite the poor conditions. Compared to them, i was really insignificant and that was the essence of happiness.

2006, just as i thought my love life would be another blank, somebody crept in quietly into my life. I had to admit, at this moment, i am still thinking about him even though i knew we have no future. It was a very amazing experience that i had trouble believing that happened to me. We met in Hanoi while i was planning for the Hanoi trip. He was trying to sell me some tours while i was bargaining. It turned out we chatted everyday and he had illusions about me. I was tempted but i stopped myself before i went for the trip. However, when i got back, i realised i did have some feelings for him. Maybe that is the power of time. We spent very little time together and up to this point, I am still not sure if i was a friend or a customer. I guessed that was not important anymore. What was important was he existed and he gave me wonderful memories. I do not think we could work it out at all, but i was still reluctant to give up at this point, perhaps because I was falling into temptation. I told myself, he was just treating me like a customer, trying to earn a few more dollars from me. After the trip, I should think that would be the end of our relationship. I was never lucky in love, sometimes i wonder why......I guess for me, it would be beter for me not to have met that person, than to meet and suffered disappointment. For me, that was what i was going through now. Till now, we had not kept in touch. I was not sure if we still would......i guess if we did, i would be licking my disappointment quietly.

Anyway, all those happened in 2006, so it was a past. It was just plain unfortunate i would start the year thinking of an impossible. Perhaps, in a few more months, i would have recovered and moved on in my life.......the world waited for no one. In 2007, effectively i had only 10 months left with my family and friends. They would be my priority. After that, i would have to face up to the consequences due to the decision i made. Whatever that came out of it, i am sure i would become a better person. Take every obstacle as an opportunity to build my character building.

Yes, i would be looking forward to 2007, to see what it has in store for me......whatever it is, count my blessings and things would be a lot more bearable.......