3rd May

3rd of May - Today marks the 14th anniversary of my "committing suicide" stint and to tell the truth, I am suffering from sore back at this moment. And I am trying to bring my posture straight. Time really flies, it has been 14 years since the incident happened.

14 years ago, on this particular fateful day, I jumped down from the second storey in school after being trapped in the school deliberately with another mate. She was the one who made me stayed back after school and we were up to some mischief then. However, only a few of my close friends knew about this incident. I still remembered the moment I jumped down, I landed on my butt and as a result, I suffered from compression fracture as the doctor labelled it. I was hysterical when I reached the hospital, worried that I would become paralysed. It was after when I was discharged from the hospital that did I realise, I was about 0.1mm away from paralysis. I still remembered the doctor used a thin thread and put in between the cracks and he told me, that was how close I was to lifelong paralysis.

At that moment, I did not know how to react. Happy that I could still walk and kick or sad that I had a chip off and I would suffer from backache for the rest of my life. One thing was for sure, it was the start of my hatred for my mate whom I think caused me to be in that predicament. It was the first time in my life that I had actually hated anybody. I hated her for causing me to be in a cast for 2 months and inconveniencing my family especially my mother. Because of her, I could not roam around as freely as I should and most importantly, I would be carrying this injury with me for the rest of my life. I sank into depression mode, I did not want to see anybody.

Anyway, I just remembered it took me 6 years to forgive her. Though we never quarrelled, I tried my best to avoid meeting her. Seeing her will remind me of my folly back then and I really regretted my decision to jump then. It was like my body was no longer perfect and I could not do strenous exercise. As a result, it made it very difficult for me to lose weight as there were lots of activities that I could not do. Even up to this date, I still try to avoid meeting her alone. Not that I still hate her, I just feel she was a jinx to me. Whenever we were together, something bad would have happened.

Up to this date, we still kept in touch, but no one has ever brought up this incident again. I am not sure how she felt bad then when she saw how badly injuried I was. I just rememebred when I was lying on the hospital bed, she was very guilty and apologised to me. I guessed we have just grown out of this incident. Perhaps, all along she felt a sense of guilt towards me, and never dared to bring up this incident. As for me, I think I took it quite badly at first. However as time progressed, I realised this incident made me a better person. I was truly able to understand the essence of forgive and forget. Indeed, it was very painful to hate somebody. It made me a very bad and negative person. I began to realise I had to be partly responsible for what had happened. Most of all, it brought on a lot of insights about myself.

I think that could be a turning point in my life. When everything was going too smoothly, sometimes you would not sit down and give it more thoughts. But when misfortune struck, you would dwell over it and try to understand why you were the chosen one. Throughout that six months I was in depression, I asked a lot of whys. I knew I could never be the same me again. That incident had forced me to grow up at a rate I did not want to. I had matured instantly at that period of life. It was the first time in my life that I went through a lot of emotional struggles and coming to terms with reality that I could not do some of the things (like roller blading) that others could do. That was acceptance of reality.

Anyway that was 14 years ago. Everything happened for a reason. At that instant, we would always question why. Looking back, I guess it was a way for me to grow up, to accept the harsh reality. Though I cannot say I am glad that this incident happened, I am just contented that it did not make me into a negative person. I could lose anything in the world, but the last thing I would want to lose is my positive outlook towards life. Hopefully the optimisim will accompany me for the rest of my life.

Cheers to 14 years of celebration.