Hmm, I am sitting all alone in Conrad Hong Kong thinking of the things that happened to me for the past few weeks/ months. Really, have been feeling very down. It is really unlike me. I guess we all have our ups and downs period. It just so happened I am at the valley now, hopefully I will perk up soon.
Sms one of my friend yesterday. She was asking about my decision to stay put or to venture down under. At this moment, I think I still do not have an answer for her. I hope after this weekend when I go into retreat at Lamma island, I will have a clearer picture. I told her the possibility of me staying put is higher partly due to family and partly due to health.
It is really ironical. I went on a dieting spree at the start of this year. In 6 months, I lost about 15kgs or close to. I thought I should have a clear bill when I went for a medical checkup. After all, I did not starve myself and I exercise regularly. There was no reason to have any problems. I felt good and physically fitter. Well unfortunately things did not always turn out as they expected to be.
When my medical report came back, I was diagnosed with elevated liver enzymes. It sounded so scary. Am I having some problems? I was confused. All along I never had any problems with my liver. What contributed to it? A check at the doc indicated that it was nothing worrying. It was a common aliment. But I did not feel at ease. Doc said it could be due to fatty liver. God knows what that means. To make matter worse, I saw that I had an abnormal borderline ECG. I have to admit I felt nervous during the ECG, but it seemed the doc just skipped through. Really puzzling. And yet the worst was yet to come. My menses came twice in 2 weeks. I got a shock of my life. Last time it would come every 3-6 months, and now twice in 2 weeks. I really had no idea what my body was coming to.
I had a chat with another good friend. She mentioned probably my body was too stressed up with all the exercising and stress from work. Probably i guess. I had been losing a lot of hair recently as well. So i guess my hormones were really unbalanced. Probably I really needed a long deserved break before I take off my next journey. I do not know.
It seemed like it was a sign to tell me that I should stay put. With my health in this stage, I did not think it was a good idea to venture down under when I could only depend on myself. I guess I am scared and worried at the time. I saw the agonizing look on my mother's face when I told her I had liver problem. It then dawned on me that I really could not bear to upset her anymore given her age. Perhaps for once, I should really consider her feelings and put her before me and stop her from worrying. It seemed like a test for me, to see how determined I was to go down under.
I think I have agonised over this issue long enough. It had been more than a year? I think. Everytime when I think I have made up my mind, something else would happen to sway my decision. This is really so unlike me. I guess as one grows older, their priorities in life changes. And i realise my biggest priority in life now is my mother at this moment. 3 years ago when I applied for my PR, things were so different. I wanted to venture out, to experience life, to be independent. But now, I am not so sure. I guess I had learnt the value and concept of time. I just do not want live to regret my decision for not being able to spend more time with my mother when I could.
At this stage, my mind is still like a whirlpool. There were simply too many things going on in my life. Hopefully after Lamma island, I could take some time to think things through there to decide what I want in my life. Whatever it is, I think I want to take a 1-2 months break, away from work, away from stress and truly enjoy the meaning of taking a break.
Hopefully things will turn out well for me.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Sunday, June 03, 2007
Home Alone
Today marks the last day of me being home alone. How time flies. It has been 10 days since my folks left for holidays to Hokkaido and Sendai and I think I still have not made full use of the time being home alone. I guessed I was just to busy with my life as always.
Occassionally, it feels good to be home alone. I have the freedom in the world to "mess up" the house, to do whatever I wanted. I could get up at any time I wanted, and I could dish up any dishes whenever I felt like it. And of course, it feels good to enjoy the peace that is hardly evident in the house of mine as it was always full of people. But I guess the good things end here.
The bad things: I need to clean up the house after messing it up. Doing housework was never my forte. If there was any extra time, I would rather spending it surfing web or reading. However, as I promised my mother, I would be able to take care of the house and be a rare homemake for once. Every 2 or 3 days, I would need to wash my clothes. Washing clothes was not really difficult, but the difficult part is washing it without the washing machine. I knew I was being silly, trying to use the washing board, wasting precious time. But I guessed through doing it, I would truly appreciate my mother's efforts in keeping the house spick and span. Plus, my poor back acted up due to overexercise and on top of the housework, it was quite a tortue for me. After washing the clothes, then it was to mopping the floor and cleaning the dishes. These were quite light chores I guess. But the real challenge was how to keep the ants out of the house. Really had no idea where all the ants came from. I had to think of ways and means just to get rid of the different types of ants in the home. After all these housework and exercise time, I guess there was really only little time for me to enjoy. Sighz, I guessed I was not as good a time manager compared to my mother.
The other bad thing is when I needed somebody to talk to, I could not turn to anyone. There were just certain things that I did not like to talk to friends. I just got back my MRI scan reports. Results were not as optimistic as i hoped to be. There some collateral between my L4 and L5 and I needed to consult a specialist. No doubt I was worried. I wished my family especially my mother was there then to share the burden with me. It was then I realised I was not as strong as I thought myself to be, nor was I as independent. It dawned on me my mother was my pillar of strength all these while.
With this experience of being home alone, I really ought to think carefully if I wanted to live alone for the next 2 years in a foreign land. Things could be worse as besides my family, I would not have my friends with me as well. When I met a setback in life, I guessed my only soulmate would be my laptop. The thought of it made me quite pessimistic. Whatever it is, I guess I would have a decision by the time I come back from HongKong business trip.
And of course, I am looking forward to tomorrow where my folks will be back.
Occassionally, it feels good to be home alone. I have the freedom in the world to "mess up" the house, to do whatever I wanted. I could get up at any time I wanted, and I could dish up any dishes whenever I felt like it. And of course, it feels good to enjoy the peace that is hardly evident in the house of mine as it was always full of people. But I guess the good things end here.
The bad things: I need to clean up the house after messing it up. Doing housework was never my forte. If there was any extra time, I would rather spending it surfing web or reading. However, as I promised my mother, I would be able to take care of the house and be a rare homemake for once. Every 2 or 3 days, I would need to wash my clothes. Washing clothes was not really difficult, but the difficult part is washing it without the washing machine. I knew I was being silly, trying to use the washing board, wasting precious time. But I guessed through doing it, I would truly appreciate my mother's efforts in keeping the house spick and span. Plus, my poor back acted up due to overexercise and on top of the housework, it was quite a tortue for me. After washing the clothes, then it was to mopping the floor and cleaning the dishes. These were quite light chores I guess. But the real challenge was how to keep the ants out of the house. Really had no idea where all the ants came from. I had to think of ways and means just to get rid of the different types of ants in the home. After all these housework and exercise time, I guess there was really only little time for me to enjoy. Sighz, I guessed I was not as good a time manager compared to my mother.
The other bad thing is when I needed somebody to talk to, I could not turn to anyone. There were just certain things that I did not like to talk to friends. I just got back my MRI scan reports. Results were not as optimistic as i hoped to be. There some collateral between my L4 and L5 and I needed to consult a specialist. No doubt I was worried. I wished my family especially my mother was there then to share the burden with me. It was then I realised I was not as strong as I thought myself to be, nor was I as independent. It dawned on me my mother was my pillar of strength all these while.
With this experience of being home alone, I really ought to think carefully if I wanted to live alone for the next 2 years in a foreign land. Things could be worse as besides my family, I would not have my friends with me as well. When I met a setback in life, I guessed my only soulmate would be my laptop. The thought of it made me quite pessimistic. Whatever it is, I guess I would have a decision by the time I come back from HongKong business trip.
And of course, I am looking forward to tomorrow where my folks will be back.
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