Health...Decision....Timing

Hmm, I am sitting all alone in Conrad Hong Kong thinking of the things that happened to me for the past few weeks/ months. Really, have been feeling very down. It is really unlike me. I guess we all have our ups and downs period. It just so happened I am at the valley now, hopefully I will perk up soon.

Sms one of my friend yesterday. She was asking about my decision to stay put or to venture down under. At this moment, I think I still do not have an answer for her. I hope after this weekend when I go into retreat at Lamma island, I will have a clearer picture. I told her the possibility of me staying put is higher partly due to family and partly due to health.

It is really ironical. I went on a dieting spree at the start of this year. In 6 months, I lost about 15kgs or close to. I thought I should have a clear bill when I went for a medical checkup. After all, I did not starve myself and I exercise regularly. There was no reason to have any problems. I felt good and physically fitter. Well unfortunately things did not always turn out as they expected to be.

When my medical report came back, I was diagnosed with elevated liver enzymes. It sounded so scary. Am I having some problems? I was confused. All along I never had any problems with my liver. What contributed to it? A check at the doc indicated that it was nothing worrying. It was a common aliment. But I did not feel at ease. Doc said it could be due to fatty liver. God knows what that means. To make matter worse, I saw that I had an abnormal borderline ECG. I have to admit I felt nervous during the ECG, but it seemed the doc just skipped through. Really puzzling. And yet the worst was yet to come. My menses came twice in 2 weeks. I got a shock of my life. Last time it would come every 3-6 months, and now twice in 2 weeks. I really had no idea what my body was coming to.

I had a chat with another good friend. She mentioned probably my body was too stressed up with all the exercising and stress from work. Probably i guess. I had been losing a lot of hair recently as well. So i guess my hormones were really unbalanced. Probably I really needed a long deserved break before I take off my next journey. I do not know.

It seemed like it was a sign to tell me that I should stay put. With my health in this stage, I did not think it was a good idea to venture down under when I could only depend on myself. I guess I am scared and worried at the time. I saw the agonizing look on my mother's face when I told her I had liver problem. It then dawned on me that I really could not bear to upset her anymore given her age. Perhaps for once, I should really consider her feelings and put her before me and stop her from worrying. It seemed like a test for me, to see how determined I was to go down under.

I think I have agonised over this issue long enough. It had been more than a year? I think. Everytime when I think I have made up my mind, something else would happen to sway my decision. This is really so unlike me. I guess as one grows older, their priorities in life changes. And i realise my biggest priority in life now is my mother at this moment. 3 years ago when I applied for my PR, things were so different. I wanted to venture out, to experience life, to be independent. But now, I am not so sure. I guess I had learnt the value and concept of time. I just do not want live to regret my decision for not being able to spend more time with my mother when I could.

At this stage, my mind is still like a whirlpool. There were simply too many things going on in my life. Hopefully after Lamma island, I could take some time to think things through there to decide what I want in my life. Whatever it is, I think I want to take a 1-2 months break, away from work, away from stress and truly enjoy the meaning of taking a break.

Hopefully things will turn out well for me.