爱情观

三十岁的我，终于认真地思考找个伴的可能性。
是寂寞吗？还是不想孤独一生？
我不晓得。

只晓得，快乐的时候，
想和另一个人分享。
只晓得，伤心的时候，
希望有个肩膀可以靠。
只晓得，无助的时候，
希望有人能给我希望，永远不遗弃我。

和友人聊起我的爱情观时，
她问我想找什么样的人。
我说，我想找个聪明但脚踏实地的人。
这样的人存在吗？
友人信心满满地和我说，
有，只是我还没遇到。

年少的时候，向往的爱情都是刻骨铭心的。
想在有生之年，轰轰烈烈地爱一回，
那就不枉此生。
爱过后，受伤后，
才发现其实爱情是可以很简单的。

三十岁的我，领悟到其实爱情是可以淡淡的，但清新的。
不需要太多的海誓山盟， 太多的甜言蜜语。
取而代之的，是一颗真诚的心，一句细心的问候。
更多的时候，只是简单的生活对白。
那就是成熟的我，所向往的简单爱情。
爱情其实不需要太惊心动魄。
爱情其实可以纯纯地，像一杯醇酒。
经过长时间的酿制，纯纯的也可以变得很香，很浓。

我想经过长时间的酿制的东西，才会长久吧。
我何时才能找到我那简单但很香很浓的爱情呢？

香港的遗憾

（于Conrad的最后一晚）

终于还是走到了这里，
已经到了这份工作的最后一次公干。
其实，这已经是连我自己也数不清的第几次工干。
我想，我已经麻木了。

用手指算一算，
其实在香港还留下许多的遗憾吧。
人生因为有遗憾，才圆满吧。

我始终没办法完成在香港的工作。
这对我的事业来说，是莫大的遗憾。
我已经尽了全力，
或许全力还不够吧。
说真的，心情真的有点低落。
我就是那么追求完美的一个人吧。

追求完美，所以有失望。
因为还能够付出，所以就还有要求吧。
我想我必须学习控制一下自己的情绪。

来了那么多次香港，
才发现，原来很多想去的地方都没去。
好像说好要去尖沙嘴的laser show，
说好要去饮茶等等，
我始终都没做到。

或许生在其中的时候，
什么都是taken for granted 吧，
直到是最后一次体验的时候，
才发现时间过得太快，
没有好好地去做该做的事。

我的人生又要迈向另一个旅程碑，
希望我真的不要有太多的遗憾。
希望我懂得珍惜眼前的人与物。
更希望我会成为更好的一个人。

康复中

最近都在忙忙碌碌中过日子。
小宝的手术终于过去了，
心里也放下了一块大石。

说真的，小宝好像我自己的儿子。
也许因为他两个星期大的时候就得动手术，
所以对他格外地怜惜吧。

他动手术的前后，我都一直陪着他。
他不断地问，为什么是他？ 为什么上天选择了他？
我只能摇着头对他说，那是上天给你的考验。
看你到底是不是个坚强的孩子。

他的心情，我彻底地了解。
还记得我不幸发生意外时，
我也不断地问，为什么是我。
后来我才晓得，那是因为上天知道我够坚强，
一定过得了他给我的考验，成为一个更好的人。

也许因为有同样的遭遇，
所以我可以更了解他的心情。
其实对他来说，
这个手术只是他生活的一个开始。
他晓得，十年后，他又得面临另一个考验。
或许，那时的他已经麻木了吧。

无论如何，我希望他可以用平常心来看待。
希望他不要丧失他的乐观，他的幽默。
更希望，他会因此而更懂事，更坚强。
我相信，他会是个不平凡的人。

加油，小宝！

Marcus

等了八年，家人和我害怕的一天，终于要降临了。
说真的，这几天的心情很糟。
一直在为下个星期五做准备。

八年了，上一次Marcus 动手术的时候，是八年前。
那时候的他，不过是个刚出世两个星期的宝宝。
这个孩子，一出世似乎就和医院脱离不了关系。
由于心跳比较慢，所以在两个星期大时，
便注定了他一辈子要靠heartpacer 过活。
身为我家的第一个孙子，
这对我们来说无疑是一个承重的打击。

手术过后，去看他时，全身差满了系管。
我的心，哭了。
看了他的系管沾满了他的血，
心好疼好疼。
于是，我每天都坚持到医院去陪他。
看到他渐渐地康复，心情才恢复平静。

这八年来，我们一直祈祷他会不药而愈。
一直祈求这个小宝，不需要再饱受另一次手术的痛苦。
在我的眼里，他一直是那么出色。
一直都那么地善良，善解人意。
为什么他要饱受这么多煎熬？
太不公平了。

刚才和他聊起手术时，
他问我，要是手术过后他醒不来，怎么办？
看他的彷徨，他的忧虑，我感到很无助。
如果可以，我真的希望可以代替他。

八岁的他，已经懂事了。
他已经晓得什么是害怕。
我只能不断地安慰他。
他和我说，他不想去想。
不去想，就不会害怕。
八岁的他，已经成熟了。

现在我能做的，
就是希望他早日康复。
因为他还有很长的路要走，
还有许多梦要去实现。
这只是他人生的一个小小煎熬，
他一定能克服。

希望他一切都会没事。
这是我现在唯一希望的。

这一夜的我，为了他而哭了。

Tiger Roll

Hmm, went for a 'matchmaking' session a few days ago. It was not exactly a 'matchmaking' but rather a farewell session. It had been 3 years in the current company and it dawned on me that actually I seldom lunched with my colleagues. Now that I have signalled my intention to leave, a few actually came up to me and would like to have a meal with me. I guessed when it was always the last few times, we would cherish the times more together, wasnt it?

Anyway, K initiated a lunch session with me. She was my bubbly secretary who always tried her best to help me process my airtickets and accommodation. Throughout my business trips, we had built a rapport. Our conversations went from normal trips arrangement to personal small talks. Upon realising that I was still single and available, she wanted to promote another colleague of mine, TR, to me. I did not mind knowing one more friend before I left, so in the end, a weird combination of 3 of us went for lunch. I had insisted that it was a lunch and not farewell for I did not know TR well.

The lunch session went well. TR was chatty and so was K. TR was the typical guy next door. The kind that would make a good husband. Generous and caring, and willing to learn. Do not be mistaken, I am still neutral to him. In the end, TR insisted paying for the meal, so K took the chance to promote him further. Out of token of my appreciation, I decided to get him some pastries. K told me he loved tiger roll. My God, I never knew what tiger roll was until two days ago. It was a typical chocolate swiss roll wrapped up in yellow skin which made it looked like tiger skin and was on sale at Bengawan Solo. Anyway, I did not manage to get the tiger roll to TR but I ended up with egg tarts instead. I guessed it was just Fate. And then it was the 'secret operation'. I asked K to pass to him, otherwise I would make the headlines to the intranet the very next day. It seemed like an 'underground' mission again.

The whole episode actually came to an end here. But it did sparked off some thoughts over at my side. I just felt uneasy now even talking to K because the whole conversation would always surround TR and me. And my the other colleagues were not making it easy for me either. But where did the uneasiness come from? I could not explain.

For one, I am definitely sure I am not interested in TR at this moment, at least not now. But then again, in my opinion, he is definitely the kind who can bring happiness to his partner. He is well-tamed, holy (he went to India's monastry to mediate) and considerate. Faced with such a perfect guy, I do not know where I stand. By right, I should be taking the initiative to 'go after' him. But no, I was not moved at all. I guessed something was just not right. Perhaps I have lost the courage to take the initiative after the last painful experience. Perhaps TR was perfect, but perhaps too perfect for me. I did not know.

It set me wondering. What am I looking for? How do I explain the confusion that I am going through now? I always thought I was ready to accept somebody now. However, faced with such a guy, I hesitated. Was it because of TR, him or was it something else? Maybe I am still not ready. I wondered who could really move me these days? Have I given up on relationship? Perhaps, TR was too perfect for me. He had everything a woman would look for except that he was too honest. I seemed so silly. I appreciated honesty but somehow if TR was the kind of man I was waiting for, hmmm, a feeling of sadness dwelled over me. I guessed I was looking for more than the usual qualities. I did not know. I landed myself in a confusion stage again. Ha.

Anyway, I wished TR all the best. I hoped one day he would find his perfect girl and I am sure he would be able to do his best to give the girl happiness. If only I could learn to appreciate his beauty. Sighz!