Tiger Roll

Hmm, went for a 'matchmaking' session a few days ago. It was not exactly a 'matchmaking' but rather a farewell session. It had been 3 years in the current company and it dawned on me that actually I seldom lunched with my colleagues. Now that I have signalled my intention to leave, a few actually came up to me and would like to have a meal with me. I guessed when it was always the last few times, we would cherish the times more together, wasnt it?

Anyway, K initiated a lunch session with me. She was my bubbly secretary who always tried her best to help me process my airtickets and accommodation. Throughout my business trips, we had built a rapport. Our conversations went from normal trips arrangement to personal small talks. Upon realising that I was still single and available, she wanted to promote another colleague of mine, TR, to me. I did not mind knowing one more friend before I left, so in the end, a weird combination of 3 of us went for lunch. I had insisted that it was a lunch and not farewell for I did not know TR well.

The lunch session went well. TR was chatty and so was K. TR was the typical guy next door. The kind that would make a good husband. Generous and caring, and willing to learn. Do not be mistaken, I am still neutral to him. In the end, TR insisted paying for the meal, so K took the chance to promote him further. Out of token of my appreciation, I decided to get him some pastries. K told me he loved tiger roll. My God, I never knew what tiger roll was until two days ago. It was a typical chocolate swiss roll wrapped up in yellow skin which made it looked like tiger skin and was on sale at Bengawan Solo. Anyway, I did not manage to get the tiger roll to TR but I ended up with egg tarts instead. I guessed it was just Fate. And then it was the 'secret operation'. I asked K to pass to him, otherwise I would make the headlines to the intranet the very next day. It seemed like an 'underground' mission again.

The whole episode actually came to an end here. But it did sparked off some thoughts over at my side. I just felt uneasy now even talking to K because the whole conversation would always surround TR and me. And my the other colleagues were not making it easy for me either. But where did the uneasiness come from? I could not explain.

For one, I am definitely sure I am not interested in TR at this moment, at least not now. But then again, in my opinion, he is definitely the kind who can bring happiness to his partner. He is well-tamed, holy (he went to India's monastry to mediate) and considerate. Faced with such a perfect guy, I do not know where I stand. By right, I should be taking the initiative to 'go after' him. But no, I was not moved at all. I guessed something was just not right. Perhaps I have lost the courage to take the initiative after the last painful experience. Perhaps TR was perfect, but perhaps too perfect for me. I did not know.

It set me wondering. What am I looking for? How do I explain the confusion that I am going through now? I always thought I was ready to accept somebody now. However, faced with such a guy, I hesitated. Was it because of TR, him or was it something else? Maybe I am still not ready. I wondered who could really move me these days? Have I given up on relationship? Perhaps, TR was too perfect for me. He had everything a woman would look for except that he was too honest. I seemed so silly. I appreciated honesty but somehow if TR was the kind of man I was waiting for, hmmm, a feeling of sadness dwelled over me. I guessed I was looking for more than the usual qualities. I did not know. I landed myself in a confusion stage again. Ha.

Anyway, I wished TR all the best. I hoped one day he would find his perfect girl and I am sure he would be able to do his best to give the girl happiness. If only I could learn to appreciate his beauty. Sighz!