我曾经说过，槟城和吉隆坡是两个禁地。
在有选择的情况下，我是不会踏上她们的土地。
可是，在四年后，我还是去了槟城。
这一次去槟城，还是一样住在Batu Ferringhi。
经过我们当年住的那间旅店，正在装修中。
原来它和我们一样，经不起时间的变迁。
踏上了那柔软的沙滩，
想起了我们当年那么放肆地在沙滩上睡着了。
醒来后，你提着我的衣服，相机，
然后沿着沙滩一步一步地走。
去到Burmanese and Thai temple，
我也记起了昔日的情景。
还有，我们到Gurney Drive 的大吃特吃。
你依旧那么地有风度，照料我的一切。
我不仅记起槟城的一切一切，
也想起了吉隆坡的种种。
我才了解，原来短短的四年，
我们到过许多地方，拥有许多的回忆。
有开心的，有不开心的。
不过，经过时间的冲淡，
我记起时，竟然笑了。
我曾经为这段我不晓得是不是感情的感情，
付出了真心，诚意。
曾经哭过，曾经歇斯底里。
如今，我竟然笑了，
是我释怀了还是我又输给了时间？
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
决定的价值
（刚从槟城回来，心情灰暗）
开开心心地去槟城度假，
心情却乱糟糟地会来。
我才了解，我还是非常介意我的决定。
我说过，我不想让任何人为我的决定负责。
因为，那是我自己的决定。
可是，当让我放弃梦想的原因都否定了我的决定，
我的决定是否还有它存在的价值？
当旁人提起我的决定时，
心还是不时不时地痛。
虽然澳洲不适合我，
可是走出去一直是我的梦。
如今，梦碎了，心也碎了。
我的决定到底有它存在的意义吗？
开开心心地去槟城度假，
心情却乱糟糟地会来。
我才了解，我还是非常介意我的决定。
我说过，我不想让任何人为我的决定负责。
因为，那是我自己的决定。
可是，当让我放弃梦想的原因都否定了我的决定，
我的决定是否还有它存在的价值？
当旁人提起我的决定时，
心还是不时不时地痛。
虽然澳洲不适合我，
可是走出去一直是我的梦。
如今，梦碎了，心也碎了。
我的决定到底有它存在的意义吗？
Friday, November 23, 2007
Happiness is.......
Just came back from a Buddhist seminar from Dr Thubten Jinpa. It was an enlightening seminar where the focus was happiness. I have decided to pen down some of the thoughts that were going through my mind.
First and foremost, everyone wanted to be happy. However according to the speaker, pursuation of happiness is a paradox. The more you seek it, the more it evaded from you. Frankly, that had never crossed my mind until today. But it did have some sense of truth in it. Some things when you tried too hard, it would not happen. It would be better to let nature takes its course. What we could do was to "create the conditions" to be happy.
There was a section on tips being happy. My friends was commenting that I had such good memories that I did not write down anything yet I could remember. I guess when something was very close to your heart, you would take an effort to remember. I find the tips to being happy rather insightful.
Rule 1: Adopt a positive outlook / attitude on your past.
Indeed, whatever that had happened served as a lesson. There was no need to hang on to it. Having said that, I did realise there were certain aspects of the past that I hang on quite tightly to. It was not that I did not want to let go, but it just sort of made me lose my faith having gone through the pain. After today's session, I hoped I would be able to come to terms with it better and learn to let go and have faith.
Rule 2: Avoid upward comparison if possible.
This had always been my philosophy in life though it was hard at times. Whatever tasks I undertook, I just made sure I tried my best. It was my principle. I had never attempted to compare with people who were better than me. Neither do I compare my achievements with people who were above me. Comparison hurt. I learnt through the hard way. However at times it was difficult because you may not try to compare with others, but you could be other people's targets.
Rule 3: Do not fully focus on goals.
This was indeed something new to me. For me, I pride myself as being a disciplined person. If I set my mind to achieve a goal, it was highly unlikely that I would fail. However after today's session, I began to have second thoughts. Perhaps sometimes when I was too focussed on the goals, I began to give myself unnecessary stress. I knew the theory that the journey was always more valuable than the goals. Maybe I ought to relook at my style of doing things, to be able to enjoy more out of it.
Rule 4: Nurture relationships that were significant in your life.
I think everyone knew this fact. It was so easy yet so hard. Family has always been my priority. Yet I am guilty of it. Most of the times, I am there physically but not mentally. I guess I just took them for granted at times. It was so silly. Family was the only one I would tell the truth without any qualms, they were the only I would show most of my true self, yet they were the one I sacrificed most of the times. It was time to prioritise really.
Rule 5: Seek a life that transcend one's existence.
This was a little too profound for me to comprehend at the moment. The theory was those who volunteered was always happier. Immediately I could think of one person who would object to this school of thought. For me, I wanted to give back to society within my means yet I could not find the time to commit. So to me, it became a grey area. I had the thought, yet I could not put it into action. Maybe deep down, I was always worried about commitment, worried about not having my private time. Come next year, I really hoped I could at least spare some time for community work. It was the least I could do and it was a resolution I set for myself next year. Not sure if I could derive happiness from there, but it had been something I wanted to do. Let nature takes its course. :)
Rule 6: Turn adversity into opportunities.
This was not too difficult as long as the element of confidence was present. For me, as long as I had my confidence level, I believed I could handle any situations. However, there were times when my confidence deserted me, and it was a difficult situation. I needed to work very hard to get my confidence level back in order not to drop to depression level. I had a chat with a friend recently on this issue. She told me throughout the years she knew me, she had never saw me flared up at people or things even though she knew I had a fiery temper. (I had to confess my way of venting frustrations was to complain about it and forget all about it :p) I guessed no matter how bad things went, I still retained that little bit of sanity to handle the situation. She was different. I had seen the fiery side of her when things went wrong. I guess when things were close to her heart, she would snap no matter how composed she usually was. But I believed a sense of control would create the ultimate condition towards the path of happiness.
In the new year to come, I would not strive to be happy. Rather, I would strive to create the conditions to being happy, being at peace with thyself.
First and foremost, everyone wanted to be happy. However according to the speaker, pursuation of happiness is a paradox. The more you seek it, the more it evaded from you. Frankly, that had never crossed my mind until today. But it did have some sense of truth in it. Some things when you tried too hard, it would not happen. It would be better to let nature takes its course. What we could do was to "create the conditions" to be happy.
There was a section on tips being happy. My friends was commenting that I had such good memories that I did not write down anything yet I could remember. I guess when something was very close to your heart, you would take an effort to remember. I find the tips to being happy rather insightful.
Rule 1: Adopt a positive outlook / attitude on your past.
Indeed, whatever that had happened served as a lesson. There was no need to hang on to it. Having said that, I did realise there were certain aspects of the past that I hang on quite tightly to. It was not that I did not want to let go, but it just sort of made me lose my faith having gone through the pain. After today's session, I hoped I would be able to come to terms with it better and learn to let go and have faith.
Rule 2: Avoid upward comparison if possible.
This had always been my philosophy in life though it was hard at times. Whatever tasks I undertook, I just made sure I tried my best. It was my principle. I had never attempted to compare with people who were better than me. Neither do I compare my achievements with people who were above me. Comparison hurt. I learnt through the hard way. However at times it was difficult because you may not try to compare with others, but you could be other people's targets.
Rule 3: Do not fully focus on goals.
This was indeed something new to me. For me, I pride myself as being a disciplined person. If I set my mind to achieve a goal, it was highly unlikely that I would fail. However after today's session, I began to have second thoughts. Perhaps sometimes when I was too focussed on the goals, I began to give myself unnecessary stress. I knew the theory that the journey was always more valuable than the goals. Maybe I ought to relook at my style of doing things, to be able to enjoy more out of it.
Rule 4: Nurture relationships that were significant in your life.
I think everyone knew this fact. It was so easy yet so hard. Family has always been my priority. Yet I am guilty of it. Most of the times, I am there physically but not mentally. I guess I just took them for granted at times. It was so silly. Family was the only one I would tell the truth without any qualms, they were the only I would show most of my true self, yet they were the one I sacrificed most of the times. It was time to prioritise really.
Rule 5: Seek a life that transcend one's existence.
This was a little too profound for me to comprehend at the moment. The theory was those who volunteered was always happier. Immediately I could think of one person who would object to this school of thought. For me, I wanted to give back to society within my means yet I could not find the time to commit. So to me, it became a grey area. I had the thought, yet I could not put it into action. Maybe deep down, I was always worried about commitment, worried about not having my private time. Come next year, I really hoped I could at least spare some time for community work. It was the least I could do and it was a resolution I set for myself next year. Not sure if I could derive happiness from there, but it had been something I wanted to do. Let nature takes its course. :)
Rule 6: Turn adversity into opportunities.
This was not too difficult as long as the element of confidence was present. For me, as long as I had my confidence level, I believed I could handle any situations. However, there were times when my confidence deserted me, and it was a difficult situation. I needed to work very hard to get my confidence level back in order not to drop to depression level. I had a chat with a friend recently on this issue. She told me throughout the years she knew me, she had never saw me flared up at people or things even though she knew I had a fiery temper. (I had to confess my way of venting frustrations was to complain about it and forget all about it :p) I guessed no matter how bad things went, I still retained that little bit of sanity to handle the situation. She was different. I had seen the fiery side of her when things went wrong. I guess when things were close to her heart, she would snap no matter how composed she usually was. But I believed a sense of control would create the ultimate condition towards the path of happiness.
In the new year to come, I would not strive to be happy. Rather, I would strive to create the conditions to being happy, being at peace with thyself.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
My cosy little corner
Finally, I got my sofa bed delivered yesterday afternoon. It was a small wish that came true :) . Ever since I started working from home, I tried to make my home office as cosy as possible. However, it was not really possible because my study room was full of 'junk'. Let me count, I have 4 cupboards in the room, 1 sewing machine and 1 bookshelf. I guess that is what happened when you have been living in one place for too long, and everything has its value in the bank of memory, no matter how worthless it looked on the appearance.
I had to shift my furniture around, using my 'mathematical' and 'logic' sense of mind to fit this newly accquired furniture into the right place. It is really not an easy feat.
No matter how messy my study room looked, I still feel at ease there is some small corner that I can retreat into whenever I am tired physically and mentally. I called it my own solitude. Behind the sofa bed are all my 'masterpieces' that I have taken, places that i have visited, people who are dear to me and of course, pictures that expressed myself. It is a way of retreating into my inner world.
Yesterday, I had a first hand experience in finding my solitude. I turned on the classical music, and lying on the new sofa bed, I was reading Dalai Lama's "The Art of Happiness" and reflecting on myself. I was really at peace with myself. Perhaps in the many days to come, this small corner will be the best corner that I will treasure, finding new insights to my life and learning to become a better person.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
幸与不幸之间
最近忽然发现周围的人都很不开心。
都市人，烦恼还真多，
不过很多时候，都是庸人自扰。
周围的人，最近都为情所困。
唉，不是为钱，就是为情。
和朋友聚会时，
才发现其中一位朋友的婚姻正面临考验。
还记得她结婚时，众人都献上了祝福。
五年后，要面对的却是另一个问题。
其实我一直对婚姻抱着不乐观的态度。
两个没有血缘的人要走完一生，
真的很不容易。
也许，我是一段不愉快婚姻的结晶，
所以一直走不出阴影。
婚姻对我来说， 不过是一张纸。
离婚也不过如此。
那天和L去徒步。
和L并不熟络，只是刚好约好。
原来，L也刚结束了11 年的婚姻，
又丢了工作。
我想，L此刻的心情应该陷入谷底。
L说，现在生活很糟糕，可是会积极面对。
还有更多人比自己不幸。
这句话说得很好。
做人应该积极面对现实。
忽然间，我觉得自己很幸福。
L说得对，如果满意自己的生活，
没有必要为了找个伴而找。
对于自己的单身生活，我还乐在其中。
偶尔，我会羡慕有个伴的人。
偶尔，我也想找个人。
可是，我始终没有信心。
好友说得对，姻缘是天注定。
如果是我的，它自然会属于我。
她说，既然不能强求，
我们还是享受我们俩的单身生活。
至少目前为止，我们还能相伴吧。
我就这样，处在幸福与不幸之间。
觉得自己已经成长了许多，
也比以前开心了许多。
读书的时候，老爱钻牛角尖。
现在偶尔还会，可是已经学习放开了。
原来要做到可遇不可求，还真不简单。
现在的我，只想平淡地过我的生活。
不想有太多的风浪，让我举棋不定。
原来在平淡中，也可以找到属于自己的天空。
祝福L和我那位朋友，
愿你们也能找到自己的蓝天。
都市人，烦恼还真多，
不过很多时候，都是庸人自扰。
周围的人，最近都为情所困。
唉，不是为钱，就是为情。
和朋友聚会时，
才发现其中一位朋友的婚姻正面临考验。
还记得她结婚时，众人都献上了祝福。
五年后，要面对的却是另一个问题。
其实我一直对婚姻抱着不乐观的态度。
两个没有血缘的人要走完一生，
真的很不容易。
也许，我是一段不愉快婚姻的结晶，
所以一直走不出阴影。
婚姻对我来说， 不过是一张纸。
离婚也不过如此。
那天和L去徒步。
和L并不熟络，只是刚好约好。
原来，L也刚结束了11 年的婚姻，
又丢了工作。
我想，L此刻的心情应该陷入谷底。
L说，现在生活很糟糕，可是会积极面对。
还有更多人比自己不幸。
这句话说得很好。
做人应该积极面对现实。
忽然间，我觉得自己很幸福。
L说得对，如果满意自己的生活，
没有必要为了找个伴而找。
对于自己的单身生活，我还乐在其中。
偶尔，我会羡慕有个伴的人。
偶尔，我也想找个人。
可是，我始终没有信心。
好友说得对，姻缘是天注定。
如果是我的，它自然会属于我。
她说，既然不能强求，
我们还是享受我们俩的单身生活。
至少目前为止，我们还能相伴吧。
我就这样，处在幸福与不幸之间。
觉得自己已经成长了许多，
也比以前开心了许多。
读书的时候，老爱钻牛角尖。
现在偶尔还会，可是已经学习放开了。
原来要做到可遇不可求，还真不简单。
现在的我，只想平淡地过我的生活。
不想有太多的风浪，让我举棋不定。
原来在平淡中，也可以找到属于自己的天空。
祝福L和我那位朋友，
愿你们也能找到自己的蓝天。
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
A meaningful saturday
I decided to do something different last saturday. Instead of the usual trekking, surfing of web, I decide to bake cookies. Actually I must say I am quite a good baker :) . Not that I am boasting, but at least the cookies were still edible though for a few "mishaps" here and there.
Last saturday, I decided to give almond cookies a try. To be honest, that was my first try. I went to the Internet to search for the simplest form of ingredients. And I was amazed by my own creativity. When I could not find a particular ingredient, I subsituted it with something I thought that would taste equally good. My, maybe I am really talented in this area for all I know. Hahah. Enough of the crap.
Last saturday, I decided to give almond cookies a try. To be honest, that was my first try. I went to the Internet to search for the simplest form of ingredients. And I was amazed by my own creativity. When I could not find a particular ingredient, I subsituted it with something I thought that would taste equally good. My, maybe I am really talented in this area for all I know. Hahah. Enough of the crap.
The reason I set on almond cookies was because a close friend of mine love them. Yes, just as she knew I loved cheese cakes and baked them for me, I decided to bake for her on her coming birthday. I guess that would be something different for this year's celebration. I think as one ages, friends become more and more important. The irony thing is, as I grew older, I suddenly realised I have many close friends, more than I can account for.
The end product was better than expected. My folks mentioned it was too hard, but the taste was good. I guess there is always room for improvement on everything. I will set to perfect it in time for my friend's birthday, for christmas and maybe for VDay :p Maybe that will set start to my next goal in life, to open a small guesthouse, with a snack shop, selling all different types of cookies.
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