新年快乐

今天是年除夕，心情很好。
也许，因为离家的日子越来越近了，
所以，我选择开心地渡过每一天，尤其是新年。

今天，我起得很早，吃了早点，便去跑步。
然后，我便开始准备团圆午餐与晚餐。
从十一点钟开始煮，一直到三点钟，我们才开始吃。
虽然很累，但很有成就感。
我想，我会一直记住这个新年，我当时的心情。
今天，我终于用“心”过新年了。

今天，也收到很多朋友的简讯。
感觉很好，原来有那么多朋友记得我。
也许，其实我们认识的人往往比自己知道得多吧。
我想，收到祝福是一件开心的事吧。

今天，很意外地收到远方的你的祝福。
那种感觉，是意外，窝心和兴奋的交叠。
昨日在和你连线，和你互相道贺新年。
我和你说了今天的团圆饭情景。
我和你说，如果你在的话，那该多好。
我想，唯一能感觉你在我的身边，就是传简讯给你。
你说你不能传给我，只能接受。
臭小子，竟然给了我那么好的惊喜。
其实，我真的没有想到你会回复，真得让你破费了。

今天，在跑步的当儿，想起了你。
我想，在2006年，最好的一件事，就是认识了你。
我想起我们的关系。
虽然我们的谈话都很“亲密”，
可是我真的只是把你当成一个朋友，一个知己。
虽然我们的谈话总离不开hugs, kissess and misses，
可是我觉得是两个好朋友的沟通方式。
我想，我们的关系蛮微妙的。
对你，我没有要求，所以我永远不会有失望。
希望，我们这样的关系，可以常常久久。

今天，感觉很好，已经好久没有那么at ease 了。
希望来临的猪年，大家一切都好。
大家身体健康，平安快乐。
我对自己的展望，只希望自己会开心，不要奢求什么。
祝大家新年快乐。

情人节

今年的情人节，和往年一样，过得很平淡。
上了kickboxing 课之后，收到好友的简讯。
我们都习惯在这么一天，庆祝友情节。

回了简讯之后，在回家的途中，我想起了身边“亲密”的人。
和友人已经步入第十个年头的友情。
我一直很庆幸，这十年里，一直有她的陪伴。
我何得何能， 今世能遇到一个那么志同道合的知己。
从她的身上，我学会了，即使有聪明的头脑，还是可以选择简单的生活。

思绪飞呀飞的，想起在远方的你。
情人节那天，你没有上网。
我想，可能你正和你亲密的爱人渡过吧。
我一直都不相信，你是孤家寡人一个。
今天，和你连线了。
第一句话，就是你想我。
对我来说，那很窝心，可是我也不觉得是真的。
可能，距离太远了，所以是真是假，我也无法分辨。
我的安全感又在作祟了。
我说我不信，你竟给我一个心碎的脸。
哈。

我想我很享受这样的沟通方式。
一种没有约束，没有期望的友情。
我的确是蛮想念我们相遇的那一段日子。
虽然很短，可是那感觉很好。
所以，我觉得认识你，很开心。
和另一个人比较下，我会比较愿意和你保持联络。

情人节，也想起了他。
他很久没找我了。
对我而言，他已经过去了。
很庆幸，我们还能保留这段友谊。
我始终觉得，他伤害了我。
不过，伤口已经痊愈了。
所以，不再排斥，不再逃避。

那天，和好友聊起他。
好友已经对他失去兴趣。
好友对你比较有兴趣。
哈。

和好友说，那一天和他一起出席婚宴。
散场时，我独自回家。
意外地受到他的简讯，要我到家时，回他简讯报平安。
我觉得莫名其妙，不过礼貌上还是回了。
他，竟然回复我。
那一刻，我想那个简讯迟了整整四年。
好友觉得，这个人很奇怪。
不时忽冷忽热。

当时，正在琢磨是否要和他说我即将离别。
后来，觉得真的没这个必要。
该了断的，已经在四年前就了断了。
我又何必节外生枝呢？

想起他，常常都有种无奈的感觉。
我想，我要的爱情真的不是这样。
我希望我想起某人时，
会是开心的， 窝心的。
纵然没有结果，我也心甘情愿。
我不想一直记住自己被另一个人伤得有多深。
所以，我决定让他随风而逝。

明年的情人节，我会在那里呢？
希望会有不同的收获。

窝心的感觉

今天，又再一次和你连线了。
感觉好窝心。
你问我，有没有想念你。
其实，我有注意到你这几天都没有上网。
如果，那算是想念，我想应该是有吧。

我觉得和你聊天，是一种很棒的感觉。
可能，我对你已经没有期望，
所以就不会有失望。
也因为我们的距离，
所以我想我们可以做聊天的朋友。

你说过几天又会带新加坡团。
我想，你因为新加坡而认识了我，
因为我，对新加坡有着一股亲切感。
你又会借着新加坡团，想起我们短短的日子。

我只能说，那段日子很短，但很美。
它，已经成为我记忆的一部分。
那天看到河内的照片，
又想起那一段日子。
真的好想回去。

我知道，我始终要面对现实。
真的，希望我们能再见面，
更希望我们能永远保持那窝心的感觉。
祝福你！

安全感

今天，心情不是很漂亮。
又再为公事而懊恼。
于是，我决定，应该是放轻松的时候了。

那天，去观赏了《生日快乐》，由一股被感动的感觉。
我想，我哭了。
为了男女主角的爱情，我哭了。
我想，当谈到情感时，我还是容易被感动的。

看到小米，我觉得看到自己。
忽然间，我才恍然大悟。
原来，自己对爱情，一直都没有安全感。
我不知道，我是否可以和一个人常想厮守。
所以，我一直徘徊着。
在情人节来临之际，我还不能明确地说出我是否想settle down。
很悲哀。

小南送小米手机的那一幕， 依然很清晰。
小米拒绝小南，因为她不想当她想他时，却找不到他。
我想，我也是这样的一个人。
我一直不喜欢拨电话给人，因为我不喜欢那种想找人聊天，却是空等待。
久而久之，就养成和自己说话的习惯。
小米要和小南做，比情人还要好的朋友。
我，能了解。
小米不希望有一天会和小南分开， 不希望为他伤心落泪。
做好朋友，因为没有要求，所以就不会吵架，就不会分开。
这，也是我。
小米，不希望自己的世界里，多了一份爱情，也多了一份忧伤。

看了这部电影之后，有点心碎。
小米，因为自己的安全感，而错过了真正爱她的人。
我，不晓得有没有因为我的安全感，而错过真正爱我的人？
还是因为我的安全感，而举起不定呢？

希望，我能对爱情有多一点点的信心。
希望，在新的一年里，能找到愿意守护我的人。
如果有，我一定不让我的安全感作祟。

Pineapple Tarts

Chinese new year is coming. From the part of the world that I come from, everyone is in festive mood. It is the most celebrated festival in my country. Shops will be closed and most people will be visiting their relatives.

Honestly, i do not really like Chinese New Year because it is so boring. Shops are closed, no food available except fast food restaurant. That is the only time in my country that you will have problem finding something decent to eat, except fast food. And for New Year's visiting, it seemed like a routine to me. But i think this year, i felt different because it will be my last Chinese New Year before i depart for Australia to achieve my dreams. Somehow, i tend to take it in different stride, i wanted to remember every part of the last Chinese New Year I have here before i leave.

Look at the pineapple tarts in the picture, don't they looked professinal like what was sold in the markets? This year, I made them myself. I went over to an ex-colleague's house to learn the skills from her. Yesterday, i spend the whole day making them and thank God it turned out well. But, i had a few arguments with Mum during the process. I think I am still me, still so hot headed. Even so, Mother tend to forgive their children easily. I was feeling guilty though for shouting. When i m on my bad day, everything will tend to come out. So i must try to restrain myself.

Come to think of it, I think i will miss my country a lot when i leave, especially Chinese New Year when we have reunion dinner, and we would play mahjong till dawn the next day wif my siblings. Next year this time, I suppose i will be alone in a foreign land, missing them badly. But i know, that will only make me stronger, and one day I will be back again.

安慰

那天，和你连线了。
是开心，也很安慰。
我对你，已经不再思念了。
我知道，我已经把你当成一个朋友来看待。
也许，回来一个月了，
渐渐地，我也回到现实。

给你看了我的网上的照片，
很安慰你还记得我们的一起合拍的那唯一照片。
你说，你很失望，没看到那张照片。
我始终不想，把它放上网。
总觉得，那是我一个很美的回忆，
所以想私人收藏。

你和我要了那张相片，
说已经做成wallpaper。
我觉得很搞笑。
无论如何，和感谢你停流过。

也许，人越老越会珍惜身边的人与物。
但愿我们能再一次相见吧。

Demoralised....

The colour explains my mood today, demoralised. I started on a high note, but i was badly demoralised today, wounded. Today marks the 3rd week of my PT. I was counting previously, i lost 2kgs in 2 weeks. With the rate i was going, i tot i should reach my first short term goal within this week. Alas, i was wrong. This week, my week remained stagnant, I did not lose any kg at all. What had happened?

I am not sure what i have done wrong. Could it be because my body got use to the exercise routine? Could it be because my menses are coming and i have water retention that contribute to the wt? Could it be i was eating too much outside food that i exceed my carbo intake daily? Could it be i had built up muscles and muscles weigh more than fats which explained the stagnant in weight? I had too much questions on my mind...it all boils down to why? Why was there no weight loss? Nothing could explain my disappointment.

I am not sure if it is a jinx. Usually, after i lost the 2nd kg, i will hit a plateau and i would start putting on weight. I certainly hope this is not happening. Whenever i announced to my fren that i had lost 2kg, i would start gaining all of them back. Is that happening now? I got really paranoid. My aim is to be 62kg or 60kg by chinese new year. However, the results this week really demoralised me. I feel so lousy.

I think i must review what i did last week. Not sure if it was due to too many unhealthy food i had. Whatever it was, i took salad with no carbo, so that should not be the case. Maybe this week, i would try to vary my exercise routine. By carrying more weights, challenging myself to the limits. I had been too lenient on myself, letting myself go if i cannot lift the weights. This week, i promised myself, no outside food, i will increase my intensity of weight training and i will start on progressive run and more variety of crunches.

I remember i still have 2 goals to fulfill. To achieve a sub 50 kg weight and to be a normal person. I cannot give up now, i must perserve....focus focus focus. Hopefully things will turn out to be better next week. Hopefully, i can make up for this week, by losing 2kgs in the next week. I will try to get down to some activity if time permits tmr.

Please do not disappoint me, i m not taking any shortcuts and i m working hard, please let me see the results i desire.......meanwhile i will continue to work hard. I will do anything to lose to the weight that i desire.....

Perservance......

Work is starting to pile up.....no good. In lousy mood today. Cant solve the layout of one report and had to rush back to work after kickboxing...nevertheless, now is my rest time, leave the work behind me.

In another 20 min, i have 24 days to my deadline. I am reminding myself everyday, i need to perk up, beef up. I hope i can lose another 2kgs in another 24 days. Doesnt seem like a hard feat i guess, but i am just taking it slowly. Everyday, i will minus one day from my msn, in that way, i will constantly remind myself how far i m from my deadline.

Deadline makes pp work harder i guess. In 2 weeks, i dropped 2kgs, so what is 2kgs in another 24 days. After the 24 days, i have to shed another 8kgs in another 8 weeks. Honestly, that is my aim and i m trying hard to stay focus. I had a lot of temptations at work, thanks to a nice bunch of colleagues. Choclates from Beligium, cakes, ang gu kueh, everyday they will come up wif different deliciaces to tempt me. Of course, i wun give in. I am well-known for my determination. Perhaps i should have set bigger goals, i shld aim to drop another 3kgs in another 24 days. I should not been too kind to myself. I shld learn from Jason, to try and challenge the machine. This friday, i am gg to slowly build up my progressive sprinting and making the neurons connect to my limbs.

I think i will perserve this time round. Time is running out for me, so i have no excuses to lag back on my timeschedule. Actually, i feel i am very fit now. Think i have never been fitter than now. And i can feel my agility is improving and so is my strength. For once, i really kept a close watch on my diet. I did not have rice for the 3rd week in the row. I remember in the past, i always gave myself excuses, but now no more. I am going to follow strictly, low carb, moderate protein, moderate fat. If i want to succeed, i have o perserve.

Here is a typical schedule: Monday - light run for 20 min. Tue - gym workout, Wed - kickboxing, Thu - Rest, Fri- gym workout, Sat- rest, Sun- Swimming cum running. With that kind of workout and diet, i think i should be able to lose weight.....more than anything. Right now, my mind is pretty focus on food and workout. I want to make my case a success story. I promise myself, if i do lose to the weight i wanted, i will write down my story how i made it, how to lose weight and most importantly, how to stay healthy.

Most importantly for now is to stay focus, and perserve and achieve my targets set....i still have 24 days to go.

Meeting Up

Well, life has been good to me so far in 2007. No longer am I spending my time during the weekend on work. I guess my resolution has started working, i am not going to work unnecessarily. Really, life has more meaning than only just work. Just met up wif a few old frens last thursday. Hmm, it was a good meeting i must say. One of the frens is someone whom i have not spoken to / seen for over 10 odd years, after we left secondary school.

So the 4 of us were trying to catch back the old times. I had a feeling it was like a church session, everyone sharing their stories on how life has been to them over the years. One thing is for sure, age is catching up with us, but like i told the rest, we are just about to embark the best part of life, so we should learn to embrace it. To me, 0-10 years is growing up, 10-20 is pursuing your studies, 20-30 is finding out what you want in life. 30-40 is to enjoy your fruit of labour and 40 onwards you should learn to take things easy.

There were some shocking relevations during the gathering though. My buddy fren in secondary school finally admitted she is a lesbian. I thought that was really brave of her. All along I have suspected her to be one of them, but I never have the guts to ask her. I feel happy for her to come clean with it, it means at least she is accepting herself for who she is. That i thought, is a new chapter in life. For another fren, it was a up and down time over the last few years. She had a failed relationship, parents ended up in divorce, her work is not getting recognition and her sister is diagnosed with schizio. However, a miracle happened to her. She was knocked down by a car and she was totally unhurt. To her, that is God's calling to her and she became devoted to God, working part time and serving him at the same time. Honestly, I guess I cannot really understand because I have heard many such cases, but have yet to witness it myself. Perhaps it is really the Lord's doing, but I did feel she was a bit of an extremist and I have to admit I did feel sorta of uncomfortable, but well we all have our own beliefs.

The third fren of that day came a long way wif me. We been in the same ECA and we sorta of support each other in ECA. She is a teacher now and really, looking at her gives me some sort of hope. She is one of the few persons whom i know that really got a passion for teaching and for that I admire her. Like me, she had a simple life, learning to be happy each day. The funniest thing i could remember from her that day was her encounter wif SDU's speed dating. She told us, there were abt 20 guys and 20 girls sitting on one side of the table each. Each has 3 min to intro themselves. And every 3 min, they would switch places. And at the end of it, she would have to submit a piece of paper on which guy she would love to meet. She told us she submitted a blank piece of paper because she was so tired after the whole thing. I find it very hilarious.

I guess over the years, we definitely have met some setbacks in life and we have wallowed and mellowed. For myself, i have a fair share of life experiences. An unrecipocrated relationship, a mudane job, the period of time living in black box, I do not think i have it easy over the years too. Though so, I do believe that having a strong state of mind, i will be able to pull through a lot of things. Yes, I have been unhappy over a lot of things, but I guess i can choose to learn from it and learn to be happy. Happiness is actually a state of mind, isnt it?

Looking back, I think I have grown wiser by all the different encounters in life. It was great meeting up with the folks, to look at how pple cope wif their differences in life and coming to terms with who they really are. Like i say, now is the best part of our life, coming to terms wif all the decisions we have really made. For that, I am grateful to God for He has made me appreciate myself more and I will strive to learn more as the day goes by.

夕阳无限好，只是近黄昏

夕阳无限好，只是近黄昏。从河内回来后，我忽然间有这样的感觉。也许在Halong Bay 看到的夕阳，给了我许多的启示，或许回来两个星期后，心情逐渐恢复平静。时间，永远都不会对我撒谎，永远是我最真实地提醒。

刚回来时，还每天都和你聊着。虽然我早已经知道，我们很快就会断线。最令我醒悟的是那一天，我和你说我不喜欢洋人， 而是亚洲人， 尤其像你这样有头脑的人。你不信，说因为你穷，生活水准低，我不会看上你。

我想，我就是那么的另类。我欣赏的人，通常都是有头脑的，生活富不富裕反而是其次。也许因为自己穷过，所以没把金钱看得那么重。很可惜，我们的相遇地点在河内，如果是在本地，或许我们会有下文。因为你的那一番话，让我不再抱任何的希望，毕竟我们是活在不同世界的人。

夕阳无限好，只是近黄昏，我觉得这样形容我们的关系很贴切。表面看起来，感觉很悲观，其实我是抱着乐观的态度看待这一次的缘分。虽然我们见面的日子很短，可是却很棒。我在河内看到人因为有希望而奋斗，也发现原来我欣赏的男人，一定要比我聪明，虽然不一定要比我有成就。在短短的相遇中，我悟了这个道理，所以我觉得是乐观的。

最近，日子又回到以往的步伐，已经没那么挂念你了。心里恢复以往的平静。虽然只是短短的一份情愿，可是我想我会永远记得你。可能，你就是我掌纹上，那条虽短，但还是make a difference 的那个人。

很高兴认识你！

First Decision for Year 2007

Yes, it is now year 2007. I am approaching an exciting part of my life, i feel. In order to start the year on a high note, I have made the first decision of the year. It is something that I wanted to do for a long time, but I am not sure if I have the guts to stick to it. This year, in Jan, I have finally make up my mind. I feel it is my last chance as age is catching up with me.

I have finally signed up a personal training course. I promised myself, before I hit the age of 30 (where the metalbolism starts slowing down), I will get rid of the extra fats I have. Actually, I know I have to do it. My health is not in a good state again. 3 years ago, I had managed to lose 15kgs and I was becoming "normal". Alas, after a change of job, I had put on weight due to excessive drinking and eating and I was not normal again. This year, I told myself, by hook by crook I will have to rid myself of the fats and aim for the kind of body I have always wanted.

Health to me is the most important asset in the world. Without it, I cannot do anything. I have a condition of hormones inbalance. The doctor whom I have seen for the last 13 years, could only give me contraceptives to induce my period. Besides that, she can only tell me my condition is caused by excessive overweight. I buy the story, but I never see the need to lose the extra fats until recently it dawned on me that I can strike ovarian cancer. Finally, the last few years, I became very health conscious. I tried everything that could make me normal. Though losing some of the extra pounds help, it was not enough. I have to lose more. I started losing faith in my doctor, she is not helping at all. I turned to Chinese medicine. To others, it may not be a big deal, but to me it is. I cannot take chinse medicine. Since young, whenever I smelled it, I would puke. I could still remember how Mum chased after me with a cane if I puked, but there was nothing I could stop myself from throwing out. This time, I told myself if I wanted to get well, I would endure anything. Yes, anything to make myself normal.

I think I started the year on the right track. After my recent stint in Hanoi and Luang Prabang, I had lost about 4kgs. With my current training program, I was aiming to go below 60kgs for the first time in my life. I hope I could achieve my aim. I am determined to make myself healthier. And yes, I will do anything to get rid of the fats, though through legitimate means. For the next two weeks, I am aiming to hit 62kgs. After which, 60kgs. I have 12 weeks and I certainly hope after riding the extra fats, I will be a normal healthy woman.

Life is short, we must learn to treasure the body given to us. Time waits for no one. It is sad that it took me so long to come to terms to being healthy. However, I am at the same time glad. It is better late than never. Hopefully, before my 30th birthday this year, I can see a miracle. That i have managed to lose those stubborn fats. If i do, I vow I will never ever get them back.

We shall see. I am glad I have made the important decision this year. :)

回来了

我回来了。休息了十八天，终于回来了。
此刻的心情，很复杂。
脑海里，依旧留着度假的美景。
我，真的不想回到现实。

脑海里，遗留着河内的种种。
想念在Halong Bay的日子。
在船上，那么的无忧无虑。
和Nam聊个东南西北。
我，好想念。

脑海里，遗留着Sapa的情景。
那一个不小心，就会滚下山的情景。
每走一步，我都很小心。
结果，还是不小心，摔了一跤。
于是，我发现人的极限是无止尽的。
毅力才是最后的胜利。
很享受trekking 后的成果。
我，爱上了trekking。

脑海里，遗留着今年的平安夜。
想起那满天的星星。
那一刻，我想起了家人，朋友还有你。
流星划过，我立刻许了一个愿。
但愿，梦想回成真。

脑海里，依旧全是你。
回来了，我们依旧连线。
对话时，我们依旧有数不尽的想念。
我们，来真的吗？

我想，我有点动心了。
见面后，开始动心了。
也许，你的性格吸引了我。
纵然，我晓得我们没有下文。

我希望，我们依旧是朋友。
我希望，我们能成为知己。
我希望，我对你没有期望。
我希望，我能把你当朋友。

End of year....Start of year

Well, after a long break, I am finally ready to make my first post of the year. Of course, to whoever is reading this, Happy New Year. From the part of the world where I come from, it seemed 2007 is a good year, with good increment and good bonus. Before I dwell on what I expect for the year to come, I think is important to count my blessings in 2006. Indeed, after the 18 days stint in Hanoi and Luang Prabang, I have learnt to count my blessings by the day which made me a happier person.

2006, I think I started the year on a high note. My ex-boss kept his promise that I achieved a high distinction where my career was concerned. He made me a project leader, put me in charge of a major project and gave me his unconditional support. It was sad that things did not turn out to be what we expected. He left without seeing his brainchild being born, while I continued the struggles under the new management. 2006 was a crazy year where work was concerned. I could be in 3 different places in one week. Singapore - Shanghai - Sydney. Sometimes, when I woke up, I could not remember where I was. Though it was a challenge physically and mentally, I took it in good stride. Like what my ex-boss said, this project brought out the best in me. I endured, struggled, confronted, worked my guts out. The end product was a more versatile me, who was ready to rise to occasion. Though our paths had now deviated, he would be somebody I always had great respect for. Someone who could really tame a wild horse like me, the first person whom I had no complaints for slogging my guts out. Thankful would be the word i used to describe knowing him. Someday (i hope in the not too distant future), I hope our paths would cross again.......

2006, another challenge was i finished my grad dip in Psych. To me, that was an achievement. It meant a stop to all those writing/reading of essays, references and finally some time for me to rest. No doubt i learnt a lot thru the course, but i had qualms about continuing. I knew i would not practise, not that i was not up to it, just that it was not my calling, maybe just not yet. Thru Psych, i knew more abt myself, but i was not ready to help pp thru it. It was meant for myself that i took up the course, to understand the often confused and complicated inner self. And becos of a rash decision i made years ago while studying, i was faced with the decision of leaving my beloved family and country for a dream in a foreign land. Though i have decided to leave, i will BE BACK. I just realise time was too short, and i had not done a lot of things in my own land. I told myself, i would be there just to experience life, once i m tired, i would set my path back, back to the place where i was born, where my family and friends were, back to the place where i called HOME.........

2006 was another travelling year. Besides the numerous business trips, i went to Redang, HongKong, Taiwan, Vietnam and Laos. I think i had almost covered majority of Asia. Budget was one of my concerns......I did not want to spend too much on travelling. So i opted for all the cheap places. And Vietnam and Laos met my expectations, 18 days, 1.5k. Actually, right now I really miss Hanoi a lot. I am not sure why. Perhaps its pp, its scenary, its food and its traffic are very distinctive. Perhaps, it was really a trip that i called REST. I have time to think over things, to realise how lucky i have been and i finally understood what it means by being contented. In the past, i was always unhappy because i have had a lot of desires. Perhaps, the guide i met in Hanoi, his name was Nam, taught me how to cherish the things and pp around me. My cousin mentioned i was different when i came back. I was less frustrated....whenever i was upset with work, i would think of the pp in Hanoi, how they managed to stay happy despite the poor conditions. Compared to them, i was really insignificant and that was the essence of happiness.

2006, just as i thought my love life would be another blank, somebody crept in quietly into my life. I had to admit, at this moment, i am still thinking about him even though i knew we have no future. It was a very amazing experience that i had trouble believing that happened to me. We met in Hanoi while i was planning for the Hanoi trip. He was trying to sell me some tours while i was bargaining. It turned out we chatted everyday and he had illusions about me. I was tempted but i stopped myself before i went for the trip. However, when i got back, i realised i did have some feelings for him. Maybe that is the power of time. We spent very little time together and up to this point, I am still not sure if i was a friend or a customer. I guessed that was not important anymore. What was important was he existed and he gave me wonderful memories. I do not think we could work it out at all, but i was still reluctant to give up at this point, perhaps because I was falling into temptation. I told myself, he was just treating me like a customer, trying to earn a few more dollars from me. After the trip, I should think that would be the end of our relationship. I was never lucky in love, sometimes i wonder why......I guess for me, it would be beter for me not to have met that person, than to meet and suffered disappointment. For me, that was what i was going through now. Till now, we had not kept in touch. I was not sure if we still would......i guess if we did, i would be licking my disappointment quietly.

Anyway, all those happened in 2006, so it was a past. It was just plain unfortunate i would start the year thinking of an impossible. Perhaps, in a few more months, i would have recovered and moved on in my life.......the world waited for no one. In 2007, effectively i had only 10 months left with my family and friends. They would be my priority. After that, i would have to face up to the consequences due to the decision i made. Whatever that came out of it, i am sure i would become a better person. Take every obstacle as an opportunity to build my character building.

Yes, i would be looking forward to 2007, to see what it has in store for me......whatever it is, count my blessings and things would be a lot more bearable.......

观雨

好久没观雨了，今天在上海的香格里啦，从窗口望出去，整个城市蒙蒙的，已经是雨季了，冬天也来了。很喜欢这样的感觉，很平静， 很难得。我任由我的思绪飞翔。

其实，我此刻是相当疲惫的。这几个月来的不断飞翔，我已经不知道自己在那里了。虽然，住的是豪华酒店，可是却少了家庭的温暖。这时，我才发觉原来我是那么地想家。以前，我总以为我很潇洒，想念不必一直挂在嘴边，在心里就够了。现在，我才知道能和家人一起度过日子，才算是一种幸福。

看到上海下着雨，不禁想起在远方的家人。于是，拨了一通电话回家。我就是这样的一个人，虽然想念，可是就是说不出口。和妈妈没聊五分钟，我便挂了。也许，我真的习惯把思念连成篇，一一写下来吧。我还是那么一个内向的人吧。一直都没学会把感情表露出来。不晓得，何时何地，我才能把我的思绪一一展露出来。希望我不会越变越孤僻。

庆幸的是， 明天我就要回家了。接着便和家人一起去度假。我答应我自己，我一定要好好放假。

倒数

（与浦东香格里拉酒店）

今天，在工作上又受到了挫折。可能我已经麻木了，心情的起伏已经没那么大了。
只不过，只不过，我终于感受到那种在异乡的寂寞。
好想找个人倾诉一下。
我天天都在倒数着，回家的日子。
倒数着。

工作上发生的那些事，让我很想哭泣。
我很想，象个小孩，哭向你的怀抱。
我想，撒撒娇，让自己放纵一下。
可惜，你太遥远了。
于是，我开始倒数和你的相见的日子。
倒数着。

我很傻吧。
竟然会为你，而开始有点举棋不定。
理智上来说，我们是不可能的。
我想，我又开始放纵自己。
我们见了面，会是怎么样的情景？
我每天都在期待，都在彩排。
我一直倒数着我们的初遇。
倒数着。

虽然我知道，一定没结果，
可是还是有一点的期待。
在那充满星星的星空下，
会是怎么样的结局？
我们的离别又会是怎么样？
我一直倒数着。
倒数着。

We are so near yet so far......
Counting down......
To the day.....
We meet..

**已经很久没有对别人动心了，我不觉得我已经动心了，只不过，我还是很享受那种交流很自然的感觉吧。最希望自己真的不会受伤， 因为成功的百分点少过一。

是寂寞吗？

是寂寞吗？ 我自己也不晓得。
这一次的邂逅，是我自己也没有预料到的。
不晓得，自己的生活， 思绪会不会变得一塌糊涂。
毕竟，我们彼此都有了幻想。

河内，到底是一个怎么样的地方？
一个很平常的网上订购，竟然促成一段友谊的开始。
其实，我是一个很多疑的人。
我一直在想，对方说的话到底有没有欺骗我。
一直认为，自己是一个不轻易新人别人的人，
可是面对一个素未谋面的人，
我竟然选择相信他的一切。
我想，我已经开始有了幻想。

现在的邂逅，让我想起了宇修。
那时的年少无知，那时的放纵，
是一种很好的感觉。
现在的我，已经成熟了，
但还是有一点点地渴望吧。

其实，很渴望十二月的想见。
我知道，见面之后，什么幻想都没有了，
可是我真的希望，我们至少能保留朋友。
希望我们的结局，就如我们的开始，
那么值得回味。

--献给一个远方看不懂汉字的朋友

九月十五日，于悉尼YHA (Central) - 笨蛋

我，独自一个人， 在悉尼的YHA， 让自己的思绪， 任意飞翔，一边听着mp3。

我，想起了他。在临别前收到他的sms， 还以为他想让我保重，可是原来另有目的。想了之后，都觉得自己有点笨，一直都还没把他忘记，而且对他还有要求，真得不应该。想想，已经无数次被他利用，可是我还是那么心甘情愿。明明知道已经不会有结果，为什么我还那么傻？笨，笨，笨死了。

已经不会主动约他，也不主动和他联络，可是我还是摆脱不了他。难道我真的得拒绝和他所有的来往吗？越是刻意，不是更代表自己越是放不下。 快要四年了， 我还真痴情。哈哈。

可能，我还得给自己更多的时间吧。我也晓得，我必须顺其自然。就这样吧，别刻意躲着他，让自己开始对他没有要求。

九月十五日，于悉尼YHA (Central)

今天是我第一次，自己一个人踏上路程。终于可以放假了。此刻的心情除了累，还是累。也许，饱和点要到了吧。我也不晓得。从毕业到现在才三个月的时间，我发现自己竟然不在控制中，说起来挺可笑的。

还记得，还没毕业时，我做了种种的计划，计划要怎么样去享受人生，好好地利用我仅剩下的一年的时间 （移民之前），好好地陪家人，好好地想想自己未来的路， 可是这些事我都没有做。有点对不起自己，更对不起妈妈。

我想趁这几天，有空档，可以好好地想一想，到底要不要继续深造。不晓得我是不是在逃避，可是怎么就还没有决定，真得很不像我的作风。可能，潜意识里，我觉得我不想继续，可是有那么不甘心，所以至今还琢磨不定。

友人和我说过，读心理学，有三种人， 第一种人是为了帮助别人而读的，我称这种人为天使。说真的，我真的没有那种能耐，可以时时刻刻地开导人， 毕竟我真的没那么伟大。第二种人，我称他为恶魔，因为他们是为了控制人，而选者读心理学。讲师增经说过，心理学一门很powerful 的科目，而我也在学习的过程中，看见这样的恶魔。我知道其实我是有这种能耐，成为恶魔，可是我选择平凡。第三种人，我称他为“人”，因为他最有人性。这种人是为了了解自己，而读心里学。我想，我属于这一类的人。因为想多了解自己，想知道为什么自己有时会有那么dark 的想法，想做一个好人，所以选择心理学。也因为这个原因，让我自己挣扎了很久，我到底是不是花更多的时间， 金钱和精力去了解自己，还是我应该就这样算了。到现在，我还是没有答案。

上司的突然离职，无疑对我来说一种打击。 好不容易，才找到一个赏识我，而我也佩服的上司，可是一切都太短了。因为他的离去，让我有种一切都不在重要的感觉。也许，他一直是我的推动力，一直让我把他当成目标， 想成为和他一样的人吧。如今，一切对我来说已经不重要了。我想，我还是必须走自己的路。

一年后的我，到底会在澳洲做些什么呢？是读书，工作还是安定下来？我，真的不知道。

心麻

心，真的麻了。

那天，接到老板即将离职的消息，整个人傻了。我想在我工作接近十年的生涯，他应该属于最棒的一位，所以听说他要离去，我怎么样也无法提起劲工作。虽然说，天下没有不散的宴席，可是总觉得这一切来了太快乐。 我以为，我会比他先离开，可是唉!

他说过，本来想要我接手他的职务，可是我知道他在大家心目中的地位，是无法取代的。我，也不希望代替他。事到如今，我也衷心地祝福他，希望他能找到自己的天空，更希望能有一天，我们能再一次合作。

我想，应该是时候，替自己的前途大算了，不能再逃避了。应该会很快就会有决定了，我想。

下一次，在把我的决定一一写下来吧。

结束

结束是另一个开始吗？

好久没有那么放肆的感觉了。听着一首又一首的抒情歌曲，整个人感觉很平静。是的， 一切都已经结束了。 两年半来的奋斗，努力，压力，酸甜苦辣，都在我最后一张试卷后，结束了。 回想起那所有的点点滴滴，其实真的有无限的感慨。而我心里也知道，这一切的结束，其实是我人生的另一个开始，因为那意味着，我离家的日子，越来越近了。

我知道，其实我一直在逃避这个问题。我不想去想，所以潜意识里，我一直用忙做借口。因为忙，所以没有时间去想，说穿了，是自己不想去想。我真的是很舍不得这里的一切，虽然我很不认同这个国家的政治。舍不得的是我的家人，我的朋友，还有那熟悉的感觉。最舍不得的是，那回家的感觉。不晓得从何时开始，我变得那么想家的一个人。也许，人越老越会珍惜那回家的感觉，那种有人等着你一起开饭的感觉，还有那我受伤后，可以很潇洒地跑回家的感觉。家里，永远会有人和我分享我喜怒哀乐。

一个人的日子会是怎么样的呢？虽然害怕，但也有一点期待。每天，我都在为这个问题寻找答案。 很羡慕那些人，可以潇洒地走一回，无牵无挂。我想，一个人的日子，虽然多了份自由，也多了份忧伤。受伤后，在也找不到回家的感觉。

我是怎么了？怎么突然间变得那么伤感？一个结束其实意味着另一段开始。

我想，还是收拾心情， 准备做决定吧。