思念

最近我一直想起 你。
你，好吗？
偶尔，收到 你的简讯，
偶尔，从别人口中知道 你的消息，
心里会闪过，一丝的 开心。
你，有打听 我的消息吗？
你，有惦记 我吗？

那天意外收到 你的简讯，
天天倒数着，和你 相见。
结果换来，一箩箩的 失望。
我， 好傻。

A 和 K, 分手了。
我想起， 我们四个人的日子。
我，始终走不出 你的阴影。

三年了。


**想你，念你，惦你，可惜都不是你。**

Family

Family.....I still remember when I was young, I never had the guts to write about it. Perhaps I was an escapist. Whenever the composition title was "My Family", I would agonise over it because it was time for me to tell a white lie, to use my creativity to paint the kind of family I wanted. No matter how hard I tried, the family I came out with only existed in my writings, not in reality.

I had to admit, I did not grow up in a healthy environment and somehow, that did contribute to part of me now. Well, in my context, every family was dsyfunct in some way or the other. The difference was only in the depth of seriousness. Anyway, I had already came to terms with my family. I realised parents and siblings are the only things in the world that I have no choice with. It is God's gift to me.

Gradually, I began to appreciate my family. Due to its dysfunction, I had to mature earlier than my peers and I was much closer to my siblings than the rest. And at this point in time, when the thoughts came to me that I was leaving them soon, somehow, a feeling of sadness overcame me. Perhaps, I have never left home and live independently before, perhaps I was scared, perhaps I was worried that when I needed emotional support, I could only depend on myself.....

Last weekend was my Grandma's birthday. Actually to be honest, I was not very close to her. Every year, attending birthdays was going through a motion until my Grandpa passed away suddenly last year. Suddenly, it dawned to me, it could be the last time I would be celebrating for her, I would not know. So this year was kind of special, at least I feel I was not going through the motion, but enjoying the process. As usual, this year I was the photographer. Personally, I feel this year I had taken a number of nature shots. The one shown was my favourite, capture the main lead and her numerous great-grandchildren.

I am very sure I would miss home when I departed for my dreams in another 1 year or so. I would miss the "smell" of coming home everyday after work. I am not sure if the rest have the same feeling before. Everyday, no matter how tired I am, I am still looking forward to going home. At least, I know there is somebody at home waiting for me. And as soon as I reached the area where I stayed, I could practically smell the familiar scent, the bird chirping, the housewives busy cooking dinners, the hungry schoolchildren coming home from school, all looking forward to going home. Once I reached the foreign land, I would miss this feeling terribly. There is no one at home, no one cares if I do go home or not, and no one cares if I have had my dinner. And there is no one I could turn to if I need emotional support. Everything has to be on myself.......and I have to be strong enough for that.

Sometimes I really wonder if I make the right decision by leaving my family behind to achieve what I wanted to. Well, I can only say if I do not try now, I would never have the guts to try it out anymore as age is catching up. I just had to promise myself, no matter how tough things are, I will tide it through and I will make it home once again definitely and make the folks at home proud of me.

想念

想念你,
昔日的憧憬,
今日不断地浮现。

想念你,
你的魄力，你的激发，你对我的信任,
如今却再也找不回那股干劲。

想念你,
在同样的星空里，同样的时间里,
却少了那熟悉的你,
我只能对同伴述说种种的你。

想念你,
感谢你,
感激你成为我生命中,
另一个有份量的人,
照亮在黑暗抹索的我。

想念你，
祈祷，期待着......
何时才会再一次相遇，
何时才能再一次敞开胸怀，
细说从前。

(这篇文章到底是为谁而写，我自己也混淆了.....)

Friends

Honestly, I never like to think about Friends, not especially in writing. To me, I am a person with very few friends, as long as I am comfortable with you, that is good enough. But do not try to step into my inner world, the world of my thoughts. However, there are always exceptions and the few that slipped through are what I called them my gem, but sometimes these gem would cause me disappointments too. Alas, this is not another blog to pen down my disappointment in Friends....think I have written too much on that issue before. The problem could be well myself. However, I would like to write about a few people who have or have the potential to become my Friends and the kind of relationship we shared put me at ease.

I think I have became friends with Sunflower. Yes, it is Sunflower again. She is worth special mention here because I think I owed her a debt. If there is any slightest chance of me becoming a great psychologist in the future, she will be the first person I would want to thank and she will always hold a special place in my heart where Psychology is concerned. Indeed, if not for that stimulating class that she has taught, I think I would have given up Psy long ago. She brought the then disillusioned me back to reality, believing in me that I could succeed if I wanted to, and imparting her knowledge to me. Yes, I think I did not let her down. I scored a Distinction for what most labelled as the toughest paper. Is not only the paper academic I am grateful to her, I am more grateful to her for sharing her aspirations, her thoughts and her stir of my emotions where Psy is concerned. She truly made me ponder if I should /am talented in this area. She brought back the motivation in me for doing my best and yes, I really appreciate those thought provoking sessions where my head was in a turmoil after talking to her. She truly inspired me. To me, I think she will be someone who I always looked up to (just like what I always trying to find in friends, something for me to look up to).

The second lady I have to admit, I used to judge her. I used to find her a "bimbo", complaining over the slightest thing. But fate has decreed us that we should become closer after we both left the place where we once work. She is what I defined in between a simple and a not so simple person. Is an awkward position to be in, somewhere in between. Well for one, she is quite intelligent and for one given her intelligence, she is not at all scheming but yearning for a simplistic life. I remembered I told her about the mild depression I suffered during one of the msn session. What she said hit the nail. The minute you were unhappy, you have wasted one minute of your life. How true that statement is. I have always reminded myself to be happy, but it takes somebody in middle ground, to give me that tight slap to see the light in tunnel. I have to admit, she has matured over the years and our friendship sort of build up over the msn sessions. She is not a so simple person who has able to live a simple life. Maybe through al the sharing sessions, I have come to appreciate her beauty. Is kind of funny when at one moment, you feel / think that this person can never be your friend and at the next moment, this person could well be the one offering some sort of solace. For that, I really appreciate her kind intention.

The third lady is an old time friend. Actually, I am not sure if she comes close to my category as a friend. We braved through thick and thin during our school days, however she is the kind of person whom I never will have expectations. She has drawn the line very clearly that her family is her priority and friends always come second. And yes, is the same case for me. However, I guess there is some aspect of her character that is not so well-formed that will put me off at times. Nevertheless, we kept in touch all these years. It is how funny things go. Right at this moment, we are all fighting hard to fulfill our dreams and so we could empathise with each other, and spurring each other on, not to give up till the end. Is a kind of special bond. From time to time, when she is disillusioned, she will come to me for advice and we exchange pointers in the process of achieving our dreams. Though like I mentioned earlier, she had some aspects of characteristics that put me off, she also had some characteristics that made me admire her. For one, she is also a fighter, hanging on always for her dreams. I like people with dreams and I admire people who set all out to achieve them. Perhaps, we are the similar kind of people who will go all out to do what we set to. Her self-discipline and motivation earned my admiration.

It is kind of interesting to ponder why these 3 persons are doing in my life at the same time, the time when I am disappointed with my own collection of gem. Perhaps, it is trying to tell me something. That I am not alone, that I always have people to count on. Throughout my whole mild depression episode, one of my favourite gem was missing and even though I did spell briefly what was happening in my life, no further action was taken from her. Perhaps, I think she was too caught up in her own life that she forgot to spare a thought for those who knocked on her door briefly. Indeed, it did really upset me to feel ignored and even more disappointed that when I needed help or call for help, her hand was not lifted out to me. Anyway, perhaps I feel I should move on to other gem in life. Indeed, there were many who really cared for me and helped me through my ordeal. And the most ironical thing was these people did not even come close to my category of friends.

That is it about life. The thing you cherished most need not necessarily be the best, isn't it? Actually, I feel I learnt something from this mild depression. The person you cared about the most may not reciprocate in similar manner. Sometimes, it takes a stranger to show that they care.

Friends to me now has a new meaning. It doesnt mean you have to know the other party very well to be considered a friend. In the past, I was too stringent in my category of friends. It is always better to have more friends, more people to rely on for support when the need arises. And never never forsake or ignore those who called on you. You never know what impact your actions have on them.