成熟

最近刚和几个旧同事聚会，和他们聊起我的工作时，
其中一位同事觉得，我的处事待人成熟了。
事由因为最近上司请了一名漂亮的女员工，
虽然她的工作表现不好，态度还算不错。
我生气，不是因为她不好，而是上司请错人。

或许，这位同事是对的，在待人处事方面，我的确少了以前的霸气。
这三年来，在这间公司任职，让我放眼看天下。
这世界上没有永远的朋友，更没有永远的敌人。
刚出道时，只要我认为那个人的表现不理想，
我会毫不犹豫地给警告。
后来，我发现我真的不可以用自己的要求去衡量别人的表现。
毕竟，我们是不同的人。
说穿了，只是一份工作，没必要搞到再一次见面时，连朋友都没得做。

我想，这应该是成熟吧。

最近，我似乎有点想通了。
在旧老板离职之后，我一直有点替他打抱不平。
甚至到新老板上任之后，一直都在做比较。
毕竟，旧老板是我难得遇到的好老板。
所以，我一直很欣赏他。
渐渐地，我的视线越来越狭窄，也越来越爱做比较。
所以，一直很不开心。

我甚至想，离职之后，去投靠他，放弃自己的梦想。
最近我才发现，有些东西曾经遇过，就应该满足了。
做人应该往前看，不应该一直停留在过去的时光。
更不应该为了欣赏的人，放弃自己的梦想。
如果这样，我以后一定会后悔，
更会走不出旧老板的影子。

不晓得， 这样算成熟吗？
还是领悟呢？

无论如何，路还是要自己走出来，
不应该被别人左右着。
虽然我不晓得，我会不会再一次遇到我欣赏的上司，
可是毕竟是我的选择。
无论结果如何，路上的风风雨雨，
应该会陪伴我成长， 成熟。
也会把我推向我更想成为的人——
一个成熟，有内涵，有谈吐，有魅力的女人。

希望我真的可以成为我想成为的女人。

Taken for granted

Let me start off with a cheery mood though i think i had a bad week. Yes, finally i hit the target i set for myself abeit one week late. Anyway, it feels good. Finally, i understood the meaning of zig zag diet. Yes, i learnt something important too, never give up halfway, no matter how hard the road is. I think that is one of the good things that happened to me this week apart from Grandma's birthday which i took lots of pictures. I was being sentimental because I know next year this time, i would be in a foreign land alone, lonely. So i need all those beautiful moments to be captured.

Something happened this week that made me realise we tend to take things for granted and i truly learnt a lesson, a lesson that i will remember, not to send out emails late in the middle of the night and most importantly, face to face converstaion is always better than technology.

It so happened that another fren of mine and myself would be in HK around the same time. So we planned to go trekking on sat. As we were ambitious, we decided to do 2 treks, one in the morning and one in the evening. Having that kind of plan, we thought we would do with a dinner at the peak and then a good night sleep in my hotel. After the morning trek, we would check in to her hotel and followed by the evening trek.

It was at this moment we received news that two of our old time frens would be joining us. And we did have a some problem with accommodation. For sat, it was all right as my fren's hotel could accommodate 4 persons, but i had a slight problem with 4 in my hotel if sat was going to be a busy day. At first, i tot it would be good to have all 4 in the hotel, we could have an all night out. After much consideration, i tot it would be better for the 2 gals to get a hotel due to the long journey ahead on sat.

Hence, having discussed with my fren, i wrote an email in the middle of the night and listing down some of the hotels and logistics stuff. Happily i tot everything was settled, and i tot everyone should be happy and everyone would take the content of my email as it is. Alas, i was wrong, very wrong.

That very morning when the email was sent, i received a "weird" sms from one of the gals. She is considered a close fren who knew me well enough. She asked if i was uncomfortable with 2 idiots tagging along. From that message i knew, somebody misinterpreted my message. Oh my god. Then my fren agreed, said the content of the email could be misleading. It was better to talk face to face though she knew i did not have that kind of intention to make people feel unwelcome. So at that moment, it dawned on me that i was being too curt in the email. I wished i have re-read the email before hitting the send button. It was never never my intention to mean the other way in the email. I felt i had taken our friendship for granted, that everyone knows me well enough to know my intention in the email.

That very evening i called the gal who sent me the sms. She told me she was not in anyway affected by my email. She knew of my good intentions when she read the email becos she knew me well enough. But she cant say the same for the other gal. She tot she was imposing on me. I cant blame the other gal. It was ten odd years we knew each other, but we were not that close and thus which led her to interpret the email the other way. After ending the first call, i called her immediately to explain the whole scenario. I felt it was important to clear up the whole misunderstanding as i valued all their friendship a lot and it was not worth it to fall out because of one small misunderstanding. This gal was apologetic as well. She felt she din inform us earlier that both of them were bunking in. Actually, i kept assuring her it was all right. Both of us were not in the least imposed. Just that the logistics we had to settle before they reached HK.

After the call, i felt so much better. It was a bad feeling to be misunderstood really. I was lucky that i managed to resolve it in time, otherwise i think everyone will be unhappy during the trekking. I also learnt an important lesson. Do not rely on technology tool to convey messages especially important ones that are personal related. They do not have tone and it is easy for the messages to go the other way. Lastly, do not take anyone for granted especially people who have been close ard you. It is always good to exercise some form of repsect between frens.

Hopefully the 4 of us can enjoy the trek in HK and make it memorable.

Searching blog

It is another Sunday, tomorrow Mr Xie Ting Feng will be coming back from Bali, wonder how he will spin off another new story with his Zhang Bo Zhi...haha. Anyway, I cannot be bothered, just counting down. This week i hit another plateau. I am taking it better than the previous time, maybe the first time is always the most difficult. Once you crossed that barrier, you will know how to handle yourself better. Whatever it is, I am not going to give up. There is always a tomorrow. :D

Met up with an old friend last Saturday. The meeting was spun off because she felt I was having some relationship problem. My vietnamese friend mentioned about transitting to my homeland and suggested a possible meet up. Anway, I am not too keen in meeting up. Actually at this point in time, I still do not know how to define our relationship. To me, it is definitely not love because I do not have that kind of strong feelings I once experienced before. My dear friend thought my love world had blossomed once again. I guess I am at ease with myself now, not having any expectations in romance. Truly, I am happy and contented. My only wish is I can get hold of a decent job Down Under. The rest can wait.

Anyway, it was a good meet up, catching up on each other's life. That is what old friends gatherings are meant to be. Just before we parted, she mentioned about a blog. Yes, a blog. It got me excited. Well, there is always a curious side of us, isn't it? Actually i have only read one blog that is written by a fren and i do not have a habit of reading other people's blog. But since she mentioned, i guess she is hesitating to tell me something (my imagination ran wild.....) Maybe she wanted to tell me something she could not put across, or maybe she just wanted to share her thoughts with me. I do not which, but the curiosity got the better of me and the very night itself, i started searching for her blog.

Come to think of it, i had known her for 10 odd years, but we have maintained a safety distance. During the progress of searching, suddenly i realised i did not really know her that well. I am an IT professional, and being equipped with the necessary skills, it is not difficult to track somebody down. But in order to do that, you need to at least know something about your target. For me, i tried a variety of terms that i could associate to her, but no luck. After 2 hours, i had to resort to sms for clues. In the end, it was one of the title of her posts that saved the days. When i finally found the blog, i realised her nick was something she mentioned to me many years ago (i got a fantastic memory). We were both fans of Wong Kar Wai and that was the last thing that could dawn on me to be her nick. I guess i really got to "relearn" things about this fren of mine.

I think at this juncture, my dear fren is still searching hard for my blog. Honestly, this blog was meant to be kept secret. I did not reveal my blog to anyone because that was the only way i could be honest with myself when i write. If i know somebody that knows me is reading this blog, at times i will take into considerations and write things that is not the "real" me. To me, that defeat the purpose of blogging. At least up till now, i can say all the posts here were written without any considerations of anyone's feelings, at least i been truthful to myself. Hopefully even when she managed to find my blog, i am still able to write using my real feelings.

I guess it is good to blog about your thoughts. Everyone, no matter how many friends you have, you are still you and it is the truth that none of your friends can ever see the true side of you. What they can is just to see part of the true you. By writing down your thoughts, you can see your own true self and it is through these that you reflect, progress, mature and become a better person. For me, bloggging is a way to relieve my thoughts though in recent years i have not been thinking that much. It is a way to tell me I am still a good person though in real life, many people see the "mask" i have been wearing and i feel most of the times i been wearing a very ugly mask. I guess that is just a way of hiding myself behind a shell. I do not like people to know too much about me.

Anyway for my dear fren, i hope you will continue to blog, to share your thoughts with me. We have progressed to different stages in life, so sometimes it is difficult for me to understand your thoughts. At this moment, i m still pursuing my dreams while you have decided to put your feet on the ground. Hopefully things will turn out fine for us. If things become difficult, endurance is the word.

Finally....:D

Well, it has been a crazy week since i came back from Hong Kong last week. Looks like my weekend is going to be work work work. I hate that idea. The thought of it really puts me off. I have started to work later than usual. The feeling of unbalance is coming back. No good. I guess I did not have a good week this week.

Ok, something to rejoice about is I have finally hit below 60kgs. Yes, cheers to myself, all the hardwork has finally paid off. The sweat, the pain, the ache all of it. For the past 10-15 years, I have never seen myself hit below 60kgs. The closest I came was 61.5 about 2-3 years back. Anyway, when i got back from Hong Kong, i was just glad my efforts paid off. Before I left for my business trip, I was praying hard that I would just maintain my weight. I was close to 60kgs then. When I reached Hong Kong, it was really tough on me. First of all, Hong Kong was a food paradise. It was dim sum, my favourite and all the good desserts all around the corner. Secondly, I was on business trip, so the users at Hong Kong had to do their part to entertain us. So it was good food all 3 meals. I decided that should be stopped. So in order not to miss out the shopping, I went to gym every morning at 630 am. I thought that was really crazy of me. Luckily, this trip I was quite free that I could wake up at 6 every morning to go gym.

My typical schedule when i was in HK. At 6 am i would be awaken by the ever reliable mobile alarm. After some battle to get out of the bed, I would rush to boil water so that I could get a cup of hot tea before i ran down to the gym. Jason said hot tea would help me to burn faster, increased my metabolism. After that, it was about 1.25 hour at the gym. Then i would rush up again and prepared myself for work. That included showered and touching up and I would rush down to meet my ever early colleagues.

Actually I amazed my colleagues. They could not believe that i could actually get up at 6am everyday to go gym. Well, when i wanted to do something, my determination would be so strong that it beat everything. They feel i m depriving myself. Actually to me, that is a challenge in life. It shows that if i wanted to acheive something in life, i can go all out to do it. It tells me that in life, nothing is too difficult for me if i have the determination. Honestly, i do not feel deprvied at all because after every session of gym, i feel so good that my whole body is energised. It is something not many people can understand i supposed.

I feel i am still going strong. After this sunday, i m going for the ultimate challenge. My last 30 days challenge to reach the ultimate weight i have set for myself when i started on the personal training programme. Even if i do not reach the target i set, I think i can be proud of myself for all the achievements that I have had. My friends who had not seen me for a long time was shocked to see me losing so much weight. The people in the office told me i have to get tighter clothes and some old time friends were urging me to stop losing weight. But i m not really to call it quits yet. 4-5 kgs and yes i think i can safely say i should be there. And finally, i will never ever get the fats that i lost back.....is a promise to myself.

It feels so good to lose weight. My mind is strong, my training is intense and my nutrition is on the right track.

写万芳

昨日，和友人去看了于台烟和万芳的“好情歌”说唱会，
找回了那种好久已经没被感动的感觉。
直到现在，心情还无法平息。
我想，就如万芳说的，
如果把回忆放在脑袋里，回想起来，也会是一部很美的画面。

万芳的歌，其实陪伴了我无尽的岁月。
早在中学时代，就被她的歌声迷倒。
天生有着一副好嗓子的她，
却不曾大红大紫，
给我一种怀才不遇的感觉，
不禁怜惜她。

第一次看到她的现场表演，
是在十年前的一场校园演唱会。
第一次听到她的清唱，
深深地被她的声音迷住了。
再听到她的说话与举止，
我觉得她又是另一个有内涵的女人。

于是，我一等再等，
一等就是十年。

这一次再见到她，
又再一次被她的歌声迷倒了。
她是一个很专业的歌手，
歌唱时，全情投入。
我想她的歌声之那么动人，
多少与她的投入有关。
她要求台下的观众不要拍照，
因为闪光灯会影响她的情绪。
观众们，因为她的投入，也很听话。

她一开口说话，和她歌唱的时候，
是截然不同的人。
歌唱的她，歌声非常有爆发力，
说话的她，就好像一个小女人，很有魅力。
我还记得，她说，她好久没来了。
大家都成熟了，都长大了。
她说，就像她的“Fly Away" 歌词里，
想要成熟就要接受不完美。
多么发人省醒的一句话。
是的，从第一次听这首歌到现在，
我已经长大了，已经成熟了。
而如她说的，我也接受了生活的许多不完美。

她说，当她唱“试着了解”时，
台下经常有许多人在哭。
说真的，当她唱那首歌时，
的确触动了我的心灵。
眼泪也在眼睛里打滚。
我想我想起了他。
和他的无所不谈，到最后的无话可说，
我都试着了解。
我想，就如歌词里唱的，
他的喜悲，都不想我陪，所以我试着了解。
之前我就很喜欢这首歌，
可是在一次听到万芳诠释这首歌时，
又有另一番风味。

我想，万芳是除了张爱嘉， 刘若英之后，
我欣赏的另一个有内涵的女子。
虽然她不认识我，可是我希望她一切都好。
希望如她所希望的，每天都睡得好，吃得好。
天天都开心。
祝福你。

谢谢你，因为你的歌，
让我找回那很久没被感动的感觉。

香港篇 （于Excelsior Hotel)

终于到了香港。这是我的第三个站，也是最后一站。
感触很多，一直在倒数着离家的日子，离开熟悉的一切。

这是我第二次到香港，其实并不喜欢香港。
原因是应为太热闹了，不适合度假的心情。
这是我第一次到香港工干。
我发现其实， 香港人都很勤劳。
原来，香港比较适合公干的心情。

这次来到香港，意外地太空闲。
于是，我便到处走走逛逛。
才发现，香港的服务水平真的比新加坡高。
也发现香港的夜生活，的确比新加坡精彩。
就趁这最后的两天，
好好地感染她的朝气蓬勃。
让我好好地记住在香港的那轻松心情。

香港那冷冷的天气，
那懒洋洋的心情，
那充满人群的街道，
那数不尽的美食，
我都要一一地记下来。
因为我不晓得这会不会是我最后一次的公干。
我一定要把公干的心情都记下来。

Weighing Machine

Hmm, it is another grey week for me. It seems the effort put in and the results of the weighing machine do not tally again. :(

Eversince i started on my PT (personal training) program, i have been weighing myself consistently. Sunday thus has became the day that i love and hate. The mixture of feelings when i stand on the dreaded weighing machine. The feelings i think is like a prisoner sentenced to the gallows. If it is a good week, i would feel like a prisoner that had been granted appeal. If it is a bad week, the feeling is like counting down to my deadline.

I would say it is really emotional draining. It seemed i hit another plateau again. I have been at this weight for 2 weeks. Not sure if the CNY has anything to do with it. When i looked back at the food diary, actually, this week i have been eating more than the normal. Shouldn't i be feeling happy that i managed to maintain my weight?

Actually to be honest, i have been making good progress apart from the figures from the weighing machine. My clothes are much looser, i feel stronger and my body is more toned. But, the facts and figures do not tally and i need to do something to lift myself out of this plateau.

In another one week, i will be off for business trip again. Really dread business trip because it means i will be out of sync on my diet and exercise plan. Hmm, when can i go below sub 60? I remembered one of my goals is to go below that sub 30 for my waistline. I have achieved that rather easily, but it was much more difficult for my weight.

Though it was emotional draining and demoralising, i am not ready to call it quits. There is always a tomorrow. I remembered there is a saying: Just keep working out, and you will get out of the plateau soon. This week, i think i have to review my plans with my trainer. It seems like for 2 weeks, i m getting nowhere. Hmmm.

Hopefully, next week will be a better week for me. Give myself a break on mon and thu. Cheer up, one day i will be there as long as i believe in my convictions. Hopefully the dreaded feeling of the weighing machine will soon go away.

Books

Happy Chinese New Year to all those who celebrate the occasion. It had been a good new year I must say. Probably I did the Chinese New Year with 'heart' this year. When you put your heart to something, the outcome is always different.

Anyway, it is said that Green is my lucky colour these few days. So Green it shall be. Was in a pretty relaxed mode probably due to the long weekend that has just passed. Went for a short progressive run today. Feeling quite all right. After the run, i decide to run down to the bookstore and grab a few books. Haven been reading for a while.

Actually, i had a few books in mind before i step ino Kino. Well, my first attempt failed. It was a Chinese novel by Rene Liu. The book went out of stock. No doubt I was disappointed, but perhaps it was just not meant to be. But, i will be back for the book, I promised. As i was browsing the Psychology section, I chanced on the Art of War. Actually, I have been eyeing on this book for a long time. I always felt i was too emtional at times during work. I ought to read some strategy book to improve myself. When i saw this book, i think it was fated. Without second thoughts, I grabbed it. I think I will start reading it tomorrow when i m bound for work.

I still had 2 books in mind. It was recommended by a guy whom i held high respect for. The first was The Tipping Point. After reading the synopsis, it sounds like an interesting book. Another kind of book that offers a different perspective to things. It is a pretty old book, published back in 2001. Back then, i have not appreciated the essence of readng. As you grow older, you tend to become more indoors, i guess. The second book has to do with Economics. It is called Freakonomics. Frankly, i am not really interested in reading serious book about analysing the economy, how to get rich etc, how to manage your finances. But this book caught my attention because it was written in a rather hiliarious way. So i grabbed these two as well.

Finally back to the Psychology section. Was contemplating on grabbing a book on Stumbling on happiness. I decided otherwise. Give myself a break. After i finished all these books, maybe i will make another trip down to Kino. Take it as a chance to reward myself.

It is really funny that i begin to read more as i grow older. Wonder if that is a sign of aging. I used to hate reading, it had more to do with my character. I was like a wild horse that had to be on the run all the time. Reading, to me is a sign of weakness, a sign of timidness, being indoors. Alas, as i grew older, i realised i have to read to improve myself. Maybe the wild horse has became an old horse that needed rest. Whatever it is, i am enjoying every bit of my new found hobby.

Indeed, it has been a fruitful day, stay happy.

p.s. received a very weird yahoo message just before i knocked off from a fren in Hanoi. Not sure what went wrong for him today, whatever it is, i hope he will be happy and stay strong. Is a pity i cannot be with him all the time, but i m rooting for him always.

新年快乐

今天是年除夕，心情很好。
也许，因为离家的日子越来越近了，
所以，我选择开心地渡过每一天，尤其是新年。

今天，我起得很早，吃了早点，便去跑步。
然后，我便开始准备团圆午餐与晚餐。
从十一点钟开始煮，一直到三点钟，我们才开始吃。
虽然很累，但很有成就感。
我想，我会一直记住这个新年，我当时的心情。
今天，我终于用“心”过新年了。

今天，也收到很多朋友的简讯。
感觉很好，原来有那么多朋友记得我。
也许，其实我们认识的人往往比自己知道得多吧。
我想，收到祝福是一件开心的事吧。

今天，很意外地收到远方的你的祝福。
那种感觉，是意外，窝心和兴奋的交叠。
昨日在和你连线，和你互相道贺新年。
我和你说了今天的团圆饭情景。
我和你说，如果你在的话，那该多好。
我想，唯一能感觉你在我的身边，就是传简讯给你。
你说你不能传给我，只能接受。
臭小子，竟然给了我那么好的惊喜。
其实，我真的没有想到你会回复，真得让你破费了。

今天，在跑步的当儿，想起了你。
我想，在2006年，最好的一件事，就是认识了你。
我想起我们的关系。
虽然我们的谈话都很“亲密”，
可是我真的只是把你当成一个朋友，一个知己。
虽然我们的谈话总离不开hugs, kissess and misses，
可是我觉得是两个好朋友的沟通方式。
我想，我们的关系蛮微妙的。
对你，我没有要求，所以我永远不会有失望。
希望，我们这样的关系，可以常常久久。

今天，感觉很好，已经好久没有那么at ease 了。
希望来临的猪年，大家一切都好。
大家身体健康，平安快乐。
我对自己的展望，只希望自己会开心，不要奢求什么。
祝大家新年快乐。

情人节

今年的情人节，和往年一样，过得很平淡。
上了kickboxing 课之后，收到好友的简讯。
我们都习惯在这么一天，庆祝友情节。

回了简讯之后，在回家的途中，我想起了身边“亲密”的人。
和友人已经步入第十个年头的友情。
我一直很庆幸，这十年里，一直有她的陪伴。
我何得何能， 今世能遇到一个那么志同道合的知己。
从她的身上，我学会了，即使有聪明的头脑，还是可以选择简单的生活。

思绪飞呀飞的，想起在远方的你。
情人节那天，你没有上网。
我想，可能你正和你亲密的爱人渡过吧。
我一直都不相信，你是孤家寡人一个。
今天，和你连线了。
第一句话，就是你想我。
对我来说，那很窝心，可是我也不觉得是真的。
可能，距离太远了，所以是真是假，我也无法分辨。
我的安全感又在作祟了。
我说我不信，你竟给我一个心碎的脸。
哈。

我想我很享受这样的沟通方式。
一种没有约束，没有期望的友情。
我的确是蛮想念我们相遇的那一段日子。
虽然很短，可是那感觉很好。
所以，我觉得认识你，很开心。
和另一个人比较下，我会比较愿意和你保持联络。

情人节，也想起了他。
他很久没找我了。
对我而言，他已经过去了。
很庆幸，我们还能保留这段友谊。
我始终觉得，他伤害了我。
不过，伤口已经痊愈了。
所以，不再排斥，不再逃避。

那天，和好友聊起他。
好友已经对他失去兴趣。
好友对你比较有兴趣。
哈。

和好友说，那一天和他一起出席婚宴。
散场时，我独自回家。
意外地受到他的简讯，要我到家时，回他简讯报平安。
我觉得莫名其妙，不过礼貌上还是回了。
他，竟然回复我。
那一刻，我想那个简讯迟了整整四年。
好友觉得，这个人很奇怪。
不时忽冷忽热。

当时，正在琢磨是否要和他说我即将离别。
后来，觉得真的没这个必要。
该了断的，已经在四年前就了断了。
我又何必节外生枝呢？

想起他，常常都有种无奈的感觉。
我想，我要的爱情真的不是这样。
我希望我想起某人时，
会是开心的， 窝心的。
纵然没有结果，我也心甘情愿。
我不想一直记住自己被另一个人伤得有多深。
所以，我决定让他随风而逝。

明年的情人节，我会在那里呢？
希望会有不同的收获。

窝心的感觉

今天，又再一次和你连线了。
感觉好窝心。
你问我，有没有想念你。
其实，我有注意到你这几天都没有上网。
如果，那算是想念，我想应该是有吧。

我觉得和你聊天，是一种很棒的感觉。
可能，我对你已经没有期望，
所以就不会有失望。
也因为我们的距离，
所以我想我们可以做聊天的朋友。

你说过几天又会带新加坡团。
我想，你因为新加坡而认识了我，
因为我，对新加坡有着一股亲切感。
你又会借着新加坡团，想起我们短短的日子。

我只能说，那段日子很短，但很美。
它，已经成为我记忆的一部分。
那天看到河内的照片，
又想起那一段日子。
真的好想回去。

我知道，我始终要面对现实。
真的，希望我们能再见面，
更希望我们能永远保持那窝心的感觉。
祝福你！

安全感

今天，心情不是很漂亮。
又再为公事而懊恼。
于是，我决定，应该是放轻松的时候了。

那天，去观赏了《生日快乐》，由一股被感动的感觉。
我想，我哭了。
为了男女主角的爱情，我哭了。
我想，当谈到情感时，我还是容易被感动的。

看到小米，我觉得看到自己。
忽然间，我才恍然大悟。
原来，自己对爱情，一直都没有安全感。
我不知道，我是否可以和一个人常想厮守。
所以，我一直徘徊着。
在情人节来临之际，我还不能明确地说出我是否想settle down。
很悲哀。

小南送小米手机的那一幕， 依然很清晰。
小米拒绝小南，因为她不想当她想他时，却找不到他。
我想，我也是这样的一个人。
我一直不喜欢拨电话给人，因为我不喜欢那种想找人聊天，却是空等待。
久而久之，就养成和自己说话的习惯。
小米要和小南做，比情人还要好的朋友。
我，能了解。
小米不希望有一天会和小南分开， 不希望为他伤心落泪。
做好朋友，因为没有要求，所以就不会吵架，就不会分开。
这，也是我。
小米，不希望自己的世界里，多了一份爱情，也多了一份忧伤。

看了这部电影之后，有点心碎。
小米，因为自己的安全感，而错过了真正爱她的人。
我，不晓得有没有因为我的安全感，而错过真正爱我的人？
还是因为我的安全感，而举起不定呢？

希望，我能对爱情有多一点点的信心。
希望，在新的一年里，能找到愿意守护我的人。
如果有，我一定不让我的安全感作祟。

Pineapple Tarts

Chinese new year is coming. From the part of the world that I come from, everyone is in festive mood. It is the most celebrated festival in my country. Shops will be closed and most people will be visiting their relatives.

Honestly, i do not really like Chinese New Year because it is so boring. Shops are closed, no food available except fast food restaurant. That is the only time in my country that you will have problem finding something decent to eat, except fast food. And for New Year's visiting, it seemed like a routine to me. But i think this year, i felt different because it will be my last Chinese New Year before i depart for Australia to achieve my dreams. Somehow, i tend to take it in different stride, i wanted to remember every part of the last Chinese New Year I have here before i leave.

Look at the pineapple tarts in the picture, don't they looked professinal like what was sold in the markets? This year, I made them myself. I went over to an ex-colleague's house to learn the skills from her. Yesterday, i spend the whole day making them and thank God it turned out well. But, i had a few arguments with Mum during the process. I think I am still me, still so hot headed. Even so, Mother tend to forgive their children easily. I was feeling guilty though for shouting. When i m on my bad day, everything will tend to come out. So i must try to restrain myself.

Come to think of it, I think i will miss my country a lot when i leave, especially Chinese New Year when we have reunion dinner, and we would play mahjong till dawn the next day wif my siblings. Next year this time, I suppose i will be alone in a foreign land, missing them badly. But i know, that will only make me stronger, and one day I will be back again.

安慰

那天，和你连线了。
是开心，也很安慰。
我对你，已经不再思念了。
我知道，我已经把你当成一个朋友来看待。
也许，回来一个月了，
渐渐地，我也回到现实。

给你看了我的网上的照片，
很安慰你还记得我们的一起合拍的那唯一照片。
你说，你很失望，没看到那张照片。
我始终不想，把它放上网。
总觉得，那是我一个很美的回忆，
所以想私人收藏。

你和我要了那张相片，
说已经做成wallpaper。
我觉得很搞笑。
无论如何，和感谢你停流过。

也许，人越老越会珍惜身边的人与物。
但愿我们能再一次相见吧。

Demoralised....

The colour explains my mood today, demoralised. I started on a high note, but i was badly demoralised today, wounded. Today marks the 3rd week of my PT. I was counting previously, i lost 2kgs in 2 weeks. With the rate i was going, i tot i should reach my first short term goal within this week. Alas, i was wrong. This week, my week remained stagnant, I did not lose any kg at all. What had happened?

I am not sure what i have done wrong. Could it be because my body got use to the exercise routine? Could it be because my menses are coming and i have water retention that contribute to the wt? Could it be i was eating too much outside food that i exceed my carbo intake daily? Could it be i had built up muscles and muscles weigh more than fats which explained the stagnant in weight? I had too much questions on my mind...it all boils down to why? Why was there no weight loss? Nothing could explain my disappointment.

I am not sure if it is a jinx. Usually, after i lost the 2nd kg, i will hit a plateau and i would start putting on weight. I certainly hope this is not happening. Whenever i announced to my fren that i had lost 2kg, i would start gaining all of them back. Is that happening now? I got really paranoid. My aim is to be 62kg or 60kg by chinese new year. However, the results this week really demoralised me. I feel so lousy.

I think i must review what i did last week. Not sure if it was due to too many unhealthy food i had. Whatever it was, i took salad with no carbo, so that should not be the case. Maybe this week, i would try to vary my exercise routine. By carrying more weights, challenging myself to the limits. I had been too lenient on myself, letting myself go if i cannot lift the weights. This week, i promised myself, no outside food, i will increase my intensity of weight training and i will start on progressive run and more variety of crunches.

I remember i still have 2 goals to fulfill. To achieve a sub 50 kg weight and to be a normal person. I cannot give up now, i must perserve....focus focus focus. Hopefully things will turn out to be better next week. Hopefully, i can make up for this week, by losing 2kgs in the next week. I will try to get down to some activity if time permits tmr.

Please do not disappoint me, i m not taking any shortcuts and i m working hard, please let me see the results i desire.......meanwhile i will continue to work hard. I will do anything to lose to the weight that i desire.....

Perservance......

Work is starting to pile up.....no good. In lousy mood today. Cant solve the layout of one report and had to rush back to work after kickboxing...nevertheless, now is my rest time, leave the work behind me.

In another 20 min, i have 24 days to my deadline. I am reminding myself everyday, i need to perk up, beef up. I hope i can lose another 2kgs in another 24 days. Doesnt seem like a hard feat i guess, but i am just taking it slowly. Everyday, i will minus one day from my msn, in that way, i will constantly remind myself how far i m from my deadline.

Deadline makes pp work harder i guess. In 2 weeks, i dropped 2kgs, so what is 2kgs in another 24 days. After the 24 days, i have to shed another 8kgs in another 8 weeks. Honestly, that is my aim and i m trying hard to stay focus. I had a lot of temptations at work, thanks to a nice bunch of colleagues. Choclates from Beligium, cakes, ang gu kueh, everyday they will come up wif different deliciaces to tempt me. Of course, i wun give in. I am well-known for my determination. Perhaps i should have set bigger goals, i shld aim to drop another 3kgs in another 24 days. I should not been too kind to myself. I shld learn from Jason, to try and challenge the machine. This friday, i am gg to slowly build up my progressive sprinting and making the neurons connect to my limbs.

I think i will perserve this time round. Time is running out for me, so i have no excuses to lag back on my timeschedule. Actually, i feel i am very fit now. Think i have never been fitter than now. And i can feel my agility is improving and so is my strength. For once, i really kept a close watch on my diet. I did not have rice for the 3rd week in the row. I remember in the past, i always gave myself excuses, but now no more. I am going to follow strictly, low carb, moderate protein, moderate fat. If i want to succeed, i have o perserve.

Here is a typical schedule: Monday - light run for 20 min. Tue - gym workout, Wed - kickboxing, Thu - Rest, Fri- gym workout, Sat- rest, Sun- Swimming cum running. With that kind of workout and diet, i think i should be able to lose weight.....more than anything. Right now, my mind is pretty focus on food and workout. I want to make my case a success story. I promise myself, if i do lose to the weight i wanted, i will write down my story how i made it, how to lose weight and most importantly, how to stay healthy.

Most importantly for now is to stay focus, and perserve and achieve my targets set....i still have 24 days to go.

Meeting Up

Well, life has been good to me so far in 2007. No longer am I spending my time during the weekend on work. I guess my resolution has started working, i am not going to work unnecessarily. Really, life has more meaning than only just work. Just met up wif a few old frens last thursday. Hmm, it was a good meeting i must say. One of the frens is someone whom i have not spoken to / seen for over 10 odd years, after we left secondary school.

So the 4 of us were trying to catch back the old times. I had a feeling it was like a church session, everyone sharing their stories on how life has been to them over the years. One thing is for sure, age is catching up with us, but like i told the rest, we are just about to embark the best part of life, so we should learn to embrace it. To me, 0-10 years is growing up, 10-20 is pursuing your studies, 20-30 is finding out what you want in life. 30-40 is to enjoy your fruit of labour and 40 onwards you should learn to take things easy.

There were some shocking relevations during the gathering though. My buddy fren in secondary school finally admitted she is a lesbian. I thought that was really brave of her. All along I have suspected her to be one of them, but I never have the guts to ask her. I feel happy for her to come clean with it, it means at least she is accepting herself for who she is. That i thought, is a new chapter in life. For another fren, it was a up and down time over the last few years. She had a failed relationship, parents ended up in divorce, her work is not getting recognition and her sister is diagnosed with schizio. However, a miracle happened to her. She was knocked down by a car and she was totally unhurt. To her, that is God's calling to her and she became devoted to God, working part time and serving him at the same time. Honestly, I guess I cannot really understand because I have heard many such cases, but have yet to witness it myself. Perhaps it is really the Lord's doing, but I did feel she was a bit of an extremist and I have to admit I did feel sorta of uncomfortable, but well we all have our own beliefs.

The third fren of that day came a long way wif me. We been in the same ECA and we sorta of support each other in ECA. She is a teacher now and really, looking at her gives me some sort of hope. She is one of the few persons whom i know that really got a passion for teaching and for that I admire her. Like me, she had a simple life, learning to be happy each day. The funniest thing i could remember from her that day was her encounter wif SDU's speed dating. She told us, there were abt 20 guys and 20 girls sitting on one side of the table each. Each has 3 min to intro themselves. And every 3 min, they would switch places. And at the end of it, she would have to submit a piece of paper on which guy she would love to meet. She told us she submitted a blank piece of paper because she was so tired after the whole thing. I find it very hilarious.

I guess over the years, we definitely have met some setbacks in life and we have wallowed and mellowed. For myself, i have a fair share of life experiences. An unrecipocrated relationship, a mudane job, the period of time living in black box, I do not think i have it easy over the years too. Though so, I do believe that having a strong state of mind, i will be able to pull through a lot of things. Yes, I have been unhappy over a lot of things, but I guess i can choose to learn from it and learn to be happy. Happiness is actually a state of mind, isnt it?

Looking back, I think I have grown wiser by all the different encounters in life. It was great meeting up with the folks, to look at how pple cope wif their differences in life and coming to terms with who they really are. Like i say, now is the best part of our life, coming to terms wif all the decisions we have really made. For that, I am grateful to God for He has made me appreciate myself more and I will strive to learn more as the day goes by.

夕阳无限好，只是近黄昏

夕阳无限好，只是近黄昏。从河内回来后，我忽然间有这样的感觉。也许在Halong Bay 看到的夕阳，给了我许多的启示，或许回来两个星期后，心情逐渐恢复平静。时间，永远都不会对我撒谎，永远是我最真实地提醒。

刚回来时，还每天都和你聊着。虽然我早已经知道，我们很快就会断线。最令我醒悟的是那一天，我和你说我不喜欢洋人， 而是亚洲人， 尤其像你这样有头脑的人。你不信，说因为你穷，生活水准低，我不会看上你。

我想，我就是那么的另类。我欣赏的人，通常都是有头脑的，生活富不富裕反而是其次。也许因为自己穷过，所以没把金钱看得那么重。很可惜，我们的相遇地点在河内，如果是在本地，或许我们会有下文。因为你的那一番话，让我不再抱任何的希望，毕竟我们是活在不同世界的人。

夕阳无限好，只是近黄昏，我觉得这样形容我们的关系很贴切。表面看起来，感觉很悲观，其实我是抱着乐观的态度看待这一次的缘分。虽然我们见面的日子很短，可是却很棒。我在河内看到人因为有希望而奋斗，也发现原来我欣赏的男人，一定要比我聪明，虽然不一定要比我有成就。在短短的相遇中，我悟了这个道理，所以我觉得是乐观的。

最近，日子又回到以往的步伐，已经没那么挂念你了。心里恢复以往的平静。虽然只是短短的一份情愿，可是我想我会永远记得你。可能，你就是我掌纹上，那条虽短，但还是make a difference 的那个人。

很高兴认识你！

First Decision for Year 2007

Yes, it is now year 2007. I am approaching an exciting part of my life, i feel. In order to start the year on a high note, I have made the first decision of the year. It is something that I wanted to do for a long time, but I am not sure if I have the guts to stick to it. This year, in Jan, I have finally make up my mind. I feel it is my last chance as age is catching up with me.

I have finally signed up a personal training course. I promised myself, before I hit the age of 30 (where the metalbolism starts slowing down), I will get rid of the extra fats I have. Actually, I know I have to do it. My health is not in a good state again. 3 years ago, I had managed to lose 15kgs and I was becoming "normal". Alas, after a change of job, I had put on weight due to excessive drinking and eating and I was not normal again. This year, I told myself, by hook by crook I will have to rid myself of the fats and aim for the kind of body I have always wanted.

Health to me is the most important asset in the world. Without it, I cannot do anything. I have a condition of hormones inbalance. The doctor whom I have seen for the last 13 years, could only give me contraceptives to induce my period. Besides that, she can only tell me my condition is caused by excessive overweight. I buy the story, but I never see the need to lose the extra fats until recently it dawned on me that I can strike ovarian cancer. Finally, the last few years, I became very health conscious. I tried everything that could make me normal. Though losing some of the extra pounds help, it was not enough. I have to lose more. I started losing faith in my doctor, she is not helping at all. I turned to Chinese medicine. To others, it may not be a big deal, but to me it is. I cannot take chinse medicine. Since young, whenever I smelled it, I would puke. I could still remember how Mum chased after me with a cane if I puked, but there was nothing I could stop myself from throwing out. This time, I told myself if I wanted to get well, I would endure anything. Yes, anything to make myself normal.

I think I started the year on the right track. After my recent stint in Hanoi and Luang Prabang, I had lost about 4kgs. With my current training program, I was aiming to go below 60kgs for the first time in my life. I hope I could achieve my aim. I am determined to make myself healthier. And yes, I will do anything to get rid of the fats, though through legitimate means. For the next two weeks, I am aiming to hit 62kgs. After which, 60kgs. I have 12 weeks and I certainly hope after riding the extra fats, I will be a normal healthy woman.

Life is short, we must learn to treasure the body given to us. Time waits for no one. It is sad that it took me so long to come to terms to being healthy. However, I am at the same time glad. It is better late than never. Hopefully, before my 30th birthday this year, I can see a miracle. That i have managed to lose those stubborn fats. If i do, I vow I will never ever get them back.

We shall see. I am glad I have made the important decision this year. :)

回来了

我回来了。休息了十八天，终于回来了。
此刻的心情，很复杂。
脑海里，依旧留着度假的美景。
我，真的不想回到现实。

脑海里，遗留着河内的种种。
想念在Halong Bay的日子。
在船上，那么的无忧无虑。
和Nam聊个东南西北。
我，好想念。

脑海里，遗留着Sapa的情景。
那一个不小心，就会滚下山的情景。
每走一步，我都很小心。
结果，还是不小心，摔了一跤。
于是，我发现人的极限是无止尽的。
毅力才是最后的胜利。
很享受trekking 后的成果。
我，爱上了trekking。

脑海里，遗留着今年的平安夜。
想起那满天的星星。
那一刻，我想起了家人，朋友还有你。
流星划过，我立刻许了一个愿。
但愿，梦想回成真。

脑海里，依旧全是你。
回来了，我们依旧连线。
对话时，我们依旧有数不尽的想念。
我们，来真的吗？

我想，我有点动心了。
见面后，开始动心了。
也许，你的性格吸引了我。
纵然，我晓得我们没有下文。

我希望，我们依旧是朋友。
我希望，我们能成为知己。
我希望，我对你没有期望。
我希望，我能把你当朋友。