闷

心情直播：每个星期三，傍晚过后，心情都会乱糟糟的。这种心情通常都会持续到周末，然后自我安慰一番，下个星期会更好。一直都希望能把Pilates学好，一来是为自己的身体好，二来是为了挑战自己。也许在学习的过程，我给自己注入了太多的expectations，所以心情才那么起伏不定。
****************************************

闷，开始觉得日子过得枯燥乏味。
在短短的新的一年的头一个月，
我竟然有种力不从心的感觉。
也许工作上得不到我要的满足感，
所以我的心也跟着一起乱飞。

庆幸我真的没有远走高飞，
要不，此刻的我可能已经闷得发疯了。
我就是一个静不下来的人。
现在的我，真的很怀念飞翔的日子。
日子很忙，很累，但很充实。
I feel I am ALIVE!

闷，所以思绪不断地飞，
脑筋不断地转。
在首一个月里，我已经尝试了许多新玩意。
烘cheesecake，Pilates，捐血，投资。
我想，我真的是闷到发慌。

闷，当然也有它的好处。
至少，我有多一点时间盘算自己的未来。
我一直在问自己，未来的路应该怎么走。
虽然到现在还没有一个明确的答案，
可是至少看到一丝曙光。

人，就是那么的犯贱。
忙得时候喊累，
闷得时候喊烦。
其实，生活不就是在找那平衡点吗？

Blood Donation Drive

Mood telecast: Was feeling inspired these few days by Pilates. I guess I was bored with my life and having some withdrawal symptoms at home. Pilates was something new to me and set me thinking how to "perfect" it through email exchanges with Jo. At least, I felt "alive". Hopefully this bright wave will continue....

******************************************************
Recently, the blood bank is low on its supply of blood again and there is appeal in the newspapers to the public. It came timely as I am intending to do my first blood donation within these few days. It was supposed to be a "project" I set for myself last year. I made an appointment with HSA after Christmas, I thought it would a wonderful way to end the year by saving lives. Alas, I think I was overcame with fear of donating blood that I had a fever on Christmas day. Hence, I had to wait for 3 weeks before I am eligible to donate blood. I made an appointment, 18 Jan to fulfill my little wish to give back to society.

Yes, today is the day. Actually, in the morning, I was still gripped with fear. I never like drawing blood for they made me feel sick, it made me feel like a patient. Perhaps, it is because I have been drawing too much blood due to past aliments.

The process is a painless one. First, we need to fill up a questionnaire to declare our state of health. After that, we need to speak to a medical officer in charge to do a verbal health screening which is followed by a blood hemoglobin test. After that, I proceed to the blood donation room where the drawing blood procedure started.

It is not as scary as I thought. First, I was told to rest on the chair for 10 mins before the nurses attended to me. They checked my pressure, my veins to decide which hand to draw blood from. As it turned out, my veins are too fine and the junior nurse has problem handling my case. Luckily, a senior nurse took over my case. They took about 3 tubes to test for HIV, Syphilis and Hepatitis A, B and C. After 5-10 min, they managed to draw a packet of blood (about 450ml) from me. The nurse is very kind, after drawing the blood, she asked me to feel my own blood which is warm.

At that point, I really felt a sense of satisfaction. At least I fulfilled what I wanted for myself this year, to help people or to give back to society in whatever small ways that I could manage. Hopefully my one unit of blood will be able to save some folks.

After the whole procedure, I was told to rest for another 10 minutes before they bandaged my arm with a nice pink "Give Blood" bandage from HSA. My next appointment will be in April, just in time to give myself a meaningful Birthday present :)

The pink bandage which looked quite fashionable on my arm

Hopefully more people will come forward and help to save lives.

Pilates

Mood telecast: Was feeling a bit gloomy these few days for no apparent reason. Work is progressing in a good direction, but I can't help feeling low to the extent of bursting into tears. Just when I thought, I have come to accept the fact, I would get over it and continue my life, that I realised I have never let go before. Perhaps, giving part of me up was really difficult and I knew this was going to happen sooner or later. Hopefully time could make me get over it and start my life afresh.

***********************************************
I remembered last year, the first decision I made was to sign up for a PT course and it was a decision that I never regretted. This year, I have made another decision. I have decided to take up Pilates. Honestly, I never like Pilates nor Yoga and I never thought that one day I would take it up. I always feel that Pilates and Yoga are "soft exercises", exercises that would not make you perspire, hence I do not feel "alive". Perhaps, I am full of energy and I need to sweat it out to show that I AM ALIVE.

I think I am pretty left with no choice to take up Pilates. An accident that happened more than 10 years ago caused my spine to degenerate and I could only help myself by building up my core muscles, and Pilates is one of the exercises that is good for building core muscles. Life is really full of irony! So now I have to take up the "wimp" (no offence meant) exercise to prevent myself from further hunching.

My instructor Jo is an interesting lady. She really looked stern when I signed up for the class and it sorta of made me worry about my decision to sign up for the course. On the day of the class, she turned out to be such a humourous lady that I can't stop laughing while lying on the machine. I guess all of us (6 of us) were all new to Pilates and we were trying our ways and means to get the movements correct via brutal force. When she looked at us, she can't help but "make fun" of us that made us laugh non stop.

Actually Jo is right and I was right too. Pilates is about movements, it is not about force nor energy (yes, is a "wimp" form of exercise). It is about breathing. She looked at me and she shaked her head "You are using all your energy to pull, remember to relax relax, you looked so stiff up". Haha, she hit the nail all right. I am never good at soft sports, but good at sports that can release a lot of energy. I knew it myself and I really admired my courage for trying a soft exercise. But I guess life is about learning yourself, your strengths, your weaknesses and correct them as you progress. The more you hated something, the more you should try to master it and the more you learn about yourself.

I applied that in life and in work. Yes, I am a person who will apply "force" when things do not go my way rather than handling it gracefully. In short, I have a lot of "aggressions" within me. Throughout the years, I think I have tried to conquer it, to handle my aggressions gracefully. Sometimes I could, sometimes I could not. No doubt, I learnt a lot about myself. At the minimum, I do know where my saturation point of endurance is before I use "force" to settle things. It is never easy to handle all things gracefully as it requires the techniques and practices (just like Pilates). However, at least I am willing to try and I am more than willing to practise. I just hope in time to come, I will see results, regardless in Pilates or in moulding my character.

Pilates is not as bad as I thought it to be. It is not as "wimpy" as I thought to. Really, it needs a lot of skills to be able to do small movements with your body, to be able to control your body well. Just like it takes a lot to mould your character to handle all situations in life gracefully. It never dawned on me that learning Pilates could be so philosophical.

Really looking forward to the next lesson though I suffer from stiff neck and muscles cramps all over. Jo's words keep repeating: Remember to relax and smile!

Cheesecake

What a way to spend the first weekend of a brand new year. :D

The picture on my left showed my "masterpiece", cheesecake. Ok, the truth is, the picture is not too appealing (well, i was never good in art :P ) but the taste is still up to standard. At least, when I reached home just now, searching for the last 2 pieces of cheesecake, it was gone. :~( Credits to my mother and nephew for finishing the last 2 pieces and spared me from putting on weight due to the excessive fats and cheese.

This cheesecake was made by freezing and not baking. It wasn't too hard. All in all, it took me about 2 hours? The hardest bit was making the crust and that was where the failure was. I was trying to be lazy, my intention was to get a premade crust, unfortunately NTUC and Phoon Huat did not have that and I could not combat my craze for cheesecake that weekend. So in the end, I turned to the Internet for making a simple crust by pounding crackers. That was the weak link, the failure. I failed to pound the crackers fine enough, in the end, the crust was too flaky. Failure number 2 was it was too sweet. That was not too difficult to combat, next time add less sugar :) .

All in all, I was quite happy with my performance of my first attempt at "baking" (or freezing rather) a cake. The best part of it is, I get to eat cheesecake everyday (that spells troubles). Haha, I am known to my friends for being a cheesecake frantic. Anyway, I am sure I will perfect my cheesecake in time to come. This week, I will start baking chocolate chips cookies and see how it goes.

Till then. :) A good way to start a cheery brand new year.

2007 Report Card

Yes, we are at the time of the year again. The time of the year to look back, to reflect on past achievements and making preparations for the next year. Well, this year I am slightly early (by one day) as I do not have time to pen my thoughts tomorrow.

For me, I think 2007 could have been a better year. It is a mixed year of ups and downs.

The biggest achievement of the year is I finally got rid of the excess fats that have been bothering me for the past 10 years. From an overweight to being atheletic, I am proud of my own achievement. I remebered I signed up a PT course in Jan and made the commitment to lose all those fats by my 30th birthday. I am glad I kept my promise and I finally got rid of the annoying "health problem" that has been bothering me for the last 14 years. If I know it is so easy, I would have not waited 14 years to make the first move.

The biggest disappointment of the year I guess is my decision to stay put than to venture down under. I could only say, I was very disappointed with myself with that decision. It took me 2 years to make up my mind not to leave. I was disappointed because it was my dream to venture out, to live a life overseas, to experience life. Was it because I lacked the courage to pursue my beliefs or I prioritised my family's needs? It was no longer important I guess. Having gone through the ordeal, I understand myself more. I would still seek to venture out in the next year to come. I guess as long as that desire of mine is not fulfilled, I would not be happy. Hopefully, when the opportunity knocks, I will GRAB it.

Apart from that, I think I get a B grade in terms of work. I could not finish my Hong Kong project before I left. It was a disappointment to me for I failed to see my fruit of labour blossomed. I guess that is life, I have already tried my best and sometimes the best seemed not good enough. I have learnt to accept that and moved on.

The happiest moment of the year was the trip to Yunnan. It was the first backpack trekking trip with my best travelling kaki and 2 other folks. I gave the trip an A+. It was the first trip of 17 days that involved more than 2 persons, without any sort of arguements involved. In short, it was a harmonious trip with fun and laughter along the way. I have made two new friends in fact. Travel partners are very important to me. There were simply so many unforeseen events that could happen along the trip especially to a place like China. I guess we all took it in good stride and laughed at our own silliness instead of making a big fuss out of it. Frankly, I really hope to travel with this group to Tibet once more. They are the BEST.

The year ended a little gloomy for me as I was being kept under wraps for a while. Hopefully with the new year, all these will end and I could be doing what I wanted.

With 2008 in place, I have no idea what is in store for me (that made it exciting, isn't it? ). Whatever it is, I will take it in good stride and take every opportunity that comes my way as a challenge. And maybe, along the way, I will start to find that someone who will appreciate me. :)

十二月

每一年，到了这个月份，
我就有点忐忑不安。
一直很期待十二月的到来，
可是每一年的十二月，
总有许多的不如意。
所以我对十二月，
是又爱又恨。

几年前的十二月，
我失去了我的第一个亲人。
祖母是在几年前的十二月去世的。
虽然感情不深，但离别时仍然依依不舍。

三年后，我又在十二月失去了父亲。
还记得，那一年过年时，
家里都蒙上了一层层的忧伤。
虽然和父亲的感情一向不好，
可是心里还是悲痛的。

十二月，也曾经那么地令人难忘。
那刻骨铭心的那一个人，
也悄悄地选择在十二月逗留过。
如今回想起来，只能说岁月不饶人。
如今人成熟了，原来的刻骨铭心，
也不过如此。

去年在越南与寮国度过了最平静的十二月。
还记得，在Muang Ngoi度过了一生最平静的圣诞夜。
住在草屋里，抬头一望那数不清的北斗星，
四处宁静地连针掉落时，也听得见。
我的十二月，终于有了一丝的宁静。

今年的十二月，家里又再度陷入一片混乱。
家里最小的小宝得动头部手术。
小小宝一出世，头上便长着一粒tumour。
是先天性的blood vessel disorder。

她在医院整整躺了一个星期。
看到她，又看到小宝，
我想我以后真的不敢生。
把痛苦带给小孩子，
我真的于心不忍。

庆幸的是，小孩子都是健忘的。
如今她已康复中。
而我也因为她的康复，
在剩下寥寥无几的十二月，
得到了一点点的宁静。

槟城

我曾经说过，槟城和吉隆坡是两个禁地。
在有选择的情况下，我是不会踏上她们的土地。
可是，在四年后，我还是去了槟城。

这一次去槟城，还是一样住在Batu Ferringhi。
经过我们当年住的那间旅店，正在装修中。
原来它和我们一样，经不起时间的变迁。
踏上了那柔软的沙滩，
想起了我们当年那么放肆地在沙滩上睡着了。
醒来后，你提着我的衣服，相机，
然后沿着沙滩一步一步地走。

去到Burmanese and Thai temple，
我也记起了昔日的情景。
还有，我们到Gurney Drive 的大吃特吃。
你依旧那么地有风度，照料我的一切。

我不仅记起槟城的一切一切，
也想起了吉隆坡的种种。
我才了解，原来短短的四年，
我们到过许多地方，拥有许多的回忆。
有开心的，有不开心的。
不过，经过时间的冲淡，
我记起时，竟然笑了。

我曾经为这段我不晓得是不是感情的感情，
付出了真心，诚意。
曾经哭过，曾经歇斯底里。
如今，我竟然笑了，
是我释怀了还是我又输给了时间？

决定的价值

（刚从槟城回来，心情灰暗）

开开心心地去槟城度假，
心情却乱糟糟地会来。
我才了解，我还是非常介意我的决定。

我说过，我不想让任何人为我的决定负责。
因为，那是我自己的决定。
可是，当让我放弃梦想的原因都否定了我的决定，
我的决定是否还有它存在的价值？

当旁人提起我的决定时，
心还是不时不时地痛。
虽然澳洲不适合我，
可是走出去一直是我的梦。

如今，梦碎了，心也碎了。
我的决定到底有它存在的意义吗？

Happiness is.......

Just came back from a Buddhist seminar from Dr Thubten Jinpa. It was an enlightening seminar where the focus was happiness. I have decided to pen down some of the thoughts that were going through my mind.

First and foremost, everyone wanted to be happy. However according to the speaker, pursuation of happiness is a paradox. The more you seek it, the more it evaded from you. Frankly, that had never crossed my mind until today. But it did have some sense of truth in it. Some things when you tried too hard, it would not happen. It would be better to let nature takes its course. What we could do was to "create the conditions" to be happy.

There was a section on tips being happy. My friends was commenting that I had such good memories that I did not write down anything yet I could remember. I guess when something was very close to your heart, you would take an effort to remember. I find the tips to being happy rather insightful.

Rule 1: Adopt a positive outlook / attitude on your past.
Indeed, whatever that had happened served as a lesson. There was no need to hang on to it. Having said that, I did realise there were certain aspects of the past that I hang on quite tightly to. It was not that I did not want to let go, but it just sort of made me lose my faith having gone through the pain. After today's session, I hoped I would be able to come to terms with it better and learn to let go and have faith.

Rule 2: Avoid upward comparison if possible.
This had always been my philosophy in life though it was hard at times. Whatever tasks I undertook, I just made sure I tried my best. It was my principle. I had never attempted to compare with people who were better than me. Neither do I compare my achievements with people who were above me. Comparison hurt. I learnt through the hard way. However at times it was difficult because you may not try to compare with others, but you could be other people's targets.

Rule 3: Do not fully focus on goals.
This was indeed something new to me. For me, I pride myself as being a disciplined person. If I set my mind to achieve a goal, it was highly unlikely that I would fail. However after today's session, I began to have second thoughts. Perhaps sometimes when I was too focussed on the goals, I began to give myself unnecessary stress. I knew the theory that the journey was always more valuable than the goals. Maybe I ought to relook at my style of doing things, to be able to enjoy more out of it.

Rule 4: Nurture relationships that were significant in your life.
I think everyone knew this fact. It was so easy yet so hard. Family has always been my priority. Yet I am guilty of it. Most of the times, I am there physically but not mentally. I guess I just took them for granted at times. It was so silly. Family was the only one I would tell the truth without any qualms, they were the only I would show most of my true self, yet they were the one I sacrificed most of the times. It was time to prioritise really.

Rule 5: Seek a life that transcend one's existence.
This was a little too profound for me to comprehend at the moment. The theory was those who volunteered was always happier. Immediately I could think of one person who would object to this school of thought. For me, I wanted to give back to society within my means yet I could not find the time to commit. So to me, it became a grey area. I had the thought, yet I could not put it into action. Maybe deep down, I was always worried about commitment, worried about not having my private time. Come next year, I really hoped I could at least spare some time for community work. It was the least I could do and it was a resolution I set for myself next year. Not sure if I could derive happiness from there, but it had been something I wanted to do. Let nature takes its course. :)

Rule 6: Turn adversity into opportunities.
This was not too difficult as long as the element of confidence was present. For me, as long as I had my confidence level, I believed I could handle any situations. However, there were times when my confidence deserted me, and it was a difficult situation. I needed to work very hard to get my confidence level back in order not to drop to depression level. I had a chat with a friend recently on this issue. She told me throughout the years she knew me, she had never saw me flared up at people or things even though she knew I had a fiery temper. (I had to confess my way of venting frustrations was to complain about it and forget all about it :p) I guessed no matter how bad things went, I still retained that little bit of sanity to handle the situation. She was different. I had seen the fiery side of her when things went wrong. I guess when things were close to her heart, she would snap no matter how composed she usually was. But I believed a sense of control would create the ultimate condition towards the path of happiness.

In the new year to come, I would not strive to be happy. Rather, I would strive to create the conditions to being happy, being at peace with thyself.

My cosy little corner

Finally, I got my sofa bed delivered yesterday afternoon. It was a small wish that came true :) . Ever since I started working from home, I tried to make my home office as cosy as possible. However, it was not really possible because my study room was full of 'junk'. Let me count, I have 4 cupboards in the room, 1 sewing machine and 1 bookshelf. I guess that is what happened when you have been living in one place for too long, and everything has its value in the bank of memory, no matter how worthless it looked on the appearance.

I had to shift my furniture around, using my 'mathematical' and 'logic' sense of mind to fit this newly accquired furniture into the right place. It is really not an easy feat.

No matter how messy my study room looked, I still feel at ease there is some small corner that I can retreat into whenever I am tired physically and mentally. I called it my own solitude. Behind the sofa bed are all my 'masterpieces' that I have taken, places that i have visited, people who are dear to me and of course, pictures that expressed myself. It is a way of retreating into my inner world.

Yesterday, I had a first hand experience in finding my solitude. I turned on the classical music, and lying on the new sofa bed, I was reading Dalai Lama's "The Art of Happiness" and reflecting on myself. I was really at peace with myself. Perhaps in the many days to come, this small corner will be the best corner that I will treasure, finding new insights to my life and learning to become a better person.

幸与不幸之间

最近忽然发现周围的人都很不开心。
都市人，烦恼还真多，
不过很多时候，都是庸人自扰。

周围的人，最近都为情所困。
唉，不是为钱，就是为情。

和朋友聚会时，
才发现其中一位朋友的婚姻正面临考验。
还记得她结婚时，众人都献上了祝福。
五年后，要面对的却是另一个问题。

其实我一直对婚姻抱着不乐观的态度。
两个没有血缘的人要走完一生，
真的很不容易。
也许，我是一段不愉快婚姻的结晶，
所以一直走不出阴影。
婚姻对我来说， 不过是一张纸。
离婚也不过如此。

那天和L去徒步。
和L并不熟络，只是刚好约好。
原来，L也刚结束了11 年的婚姻，
又丢了工作。
我想，L此刻的心情应该陷入谷底。
L说，现在生活很糟糕，可是会积极面对。
还有更多人比自己不幸。
这句话说得很好。
做人应该积极面对现实。

忽然间，我觉得自己很幸福。
L说得对，如果满意自己的生活，
没有必要为了找个伴而找。
对于自己的单身生活，我还乐在其中。
偶尔，我会羡慕有个伴的人。
偶尔，我也想找个人。
可是，我始终没有信心。

好友说得对，姻缘是天注定。
如果是我的，它自然会属于我。
她说，既然不能强求，
我们还是享受我们俩的单身生活。
至少目前为止，我们还能相伴吧。

我就这样，处在幸福与不幸之间。
觉得自己已经成长了许多，
也比以前开心了许多。
读书的时候，老爱钻牛角尖。
现在偶尔还会，可是已经学习放开了。
原来要做到可遇不可求，还真不简单。

现在的我，只想平淡地过我的生活。
不想有太多的风浪，让我举棋不定。
原来在平淡中，也可以找到属于自己的天空。

祝福L和我那位朋友，
愿你们也能找到自己的蓝天。

A meaningful saturday

I decided to do something different last saturday. Instead of the usual trekking, surfing of web, I decide to bake cookies. Actually I must say I am quite a good baker :) . Not that I am boasting, but at least the cookies were still edible though for a few "mishaps" here and there.

Last saturday, I decided to give almond cookies a try. To be honest, that was my first try. I went to the Internet to search for the simplest form of ingredients. And I was amazed by my own creativity. When I could not find a particular ingredient, I subsituted it with something I thought that would taste equally good. My, maybe I am really talented in this area for all I know. Hahah. Enough of the crap.

The reason I set on almond cookies was because a close friend of mine love them. Yes, just as she knew I loved cheese cakes and baked them for me, I decided to bake for her on her coming birthday. I guess that would be something different for this year's celebration. I think as one ages, friends become more and more important. The irony thing is, as I grew older, I suddenly realised I have many close friends, more than I can account for.

The end product was better than expected. My folks mentioned it was too hard, but the taste was good. I guess there is always room for improvement on everything. I will set to perfect it in time for my friend's birthday, for christmas and maybe for VDay :p Maybe that will set start to my next goal in life, to open a small guesthouse, with a snack shop, selling all different types of cookies.

无边无际

很喜欢这张在白茫垭口拍的照片。
看到照片时，我的第一感觉：
宇宙如此的大，人如此地渺小。
记得徒步雨崩时， 有一则寻人启事。
老爹说，到了雨崩，就发现生命如此脆弱。
转眼间，就消失了。

其实换个角度来看，
宇宙如此之大，无边无际，
我们真的不应该给自己设太多的局限。

原来在日常生活中，
我的心并没有想象中的大。
面对感情，事业，亲情，友情，
我都给自己太多的局限。
回过头，才发现越来越渺小。

Happiness is a state of mind。
在追求目标的当儿，
我忽略了心灵上的空虚。
原来，我所追求的并不是我所追求的。

Talking to new friends

I have to admit, I am not in the best of moods ever since I came back from Yunnan. I have been feeling down to the point I would rate myself as a mild depression. I hated the kind of motion I was going through. I felt useless and I could not give meaning to the things that I was about to undertake. All in all, I felt I was going down down down. And the fact that I was working from home made it worse because I could not meet new people, open up new perspectives. In short, I could not find people to talk to when I needed it most.

I started making new acquaintances via msn. Yes, I am a party animal. I need to talk to feel alive. By new acquaintances, I do not really mean new friends. They refer to people whom I have contact with, but I have not really sat down and talked to them seriously. Is amazng how God's creation is really. When He closed a door, He opened a window. I had a 'slight' argument with one of my gems over the problem I was facing and I realised it was difficult to relate to her how I was feeling. Somehow, when a person knows you too well, there is a lot of preassumptions and it is difficult to break it down.

The first person that came was really unexpected. It was E, one my kakis to Yunnan. Honestly, I do not know her very well. All my kakis know I had some problem with my body ever since I came back. In short, my whole body felt weak and they thought it was phyiscal. So it all started one day with E asking me if I felt better. So it turned out, the conversation turned from the physical problem to mental problem. It turned out she perfectly understood what I was going through. Maybe she did not have the preassumptions about the problem and the party involved and she was able to see the problem in a different light. I was really grateful to her. It turned out that she too was a deep thinker. However, she chose to be happy whenever she could. In the end, the chat lasted about 2-3 hours and that sort of brought us closer together.

Sometimes friendship is really a funny thing. Out of nowhere, somebody came and offered consolation and in the end, I find myself another friend. We did mention, someday we should travel together again for both of us really had so much fun with each other. Honestly, without her, the trip would not be as enjoyable as it was.

The second person that came was JY. Frankly, I was only close to JY after we left where we came from. He went on to pursue his dreams in USA and he was someone I really admired. He reminded me of my younger days. I used to have the aspirations of working in Silicon Valley, USA once I graduated. But that was just a dream and this guy really went all the way out to fulfill his childhood dreams. It was again via msn that we got closer. It was funny. Maybe during msn, I could relate myself better.

He was going through a bad patch in life when he msn me. I felt sorry for him for he was all alone in USA. He just chatted with me not too long ago, about all the wonderful pictures he painted. I guess it was just not meant to be. Somehow, all the msn sessions brought us closer together. It became quite a normal routine for us to be chatting on our daily lives and events. It ranged from perspectives on relationships to the problems/struggles we faced. Somehow we clicked. And indeed, he was one of the rare male friends that I could chat freely with. Perhaps, he was such a nice guy and always so positive and more importantly, he was far away, so there was no expectations. Despite his heartbreak, he would check on me to make sure I was feeling good. I was truly appreciative of his good intentions.

For the next two days, he would be going through something hopeful. Really, I hope he would make it this time round. At least, amidst all the bad things he was going through, there was still something good that came out of it. Perhaps, that could be the window that God has left open for him. Like what I said to him, I will be praying for him.

Sometimes when I looked back, I guess we really have to keep an eye on the people around us. You never know who you know until you try. Things in life are so unpredictable. We may get too engrossed in our past relationships / friendships that we neglect those who are ready to lend a helping hand/ ear when the occasion arises.

寻找信心

我已经迷迷糊糊地过了一个星期。
已经有一段日子， 抗拒醒来。
一醒来，我就全身无力。
然后，我告诉自己是云南的后遗症。

其实，我比谁都清楚，那是怎么一回事。
潜意识里我一直回不到现在。
我一直活在云南的日子里。
我想，我抗拒苏醒。

友人说我患上了工作恐惧症。
说我拒绝回到工作岗位上，
去做我应该做的事。

在我很努力的分析下，
我觉得我失去了生活的重心。
我，失去了信心。
我，失去了去相信的信心。
所以，我选择堕落。

信心，一件对我很重要的东西。
我永远都是那么有自信，
可是最近的我怎么了？

新的挑战，让我很彷徨。
原来要和朋友工作，是一件很难的事。
我常常要顾忌对方对我的期望，
和对自己的要求。
于是，我想如果有一天反目成仇，
陪上了一段友谊， 值得吗？

我害怕，也不敢想。
毕竟这个朋友是我一直很感激的人。
如果没有遇见这个人，
今天的我也无法走那么远。

因为有了心理的负担，
所以一直没有信心把工作做好。
友人误以为是朋友给我太多的压力。
而我多番的解释都没用，
所以心理很不舒服。

不晓得是不是因为心情低落，
人也变得脆弱。
一直很害怕眼前的一切会消失，
想捉也捉不住。
已经很久很久没有这种感觉了。

我想到我身边的人。
很怕他们都离我而去，
也怕目前的情感会改变。
于是，我想到了死亡。
那是一个很可怕的思绪。

如果这个世界上只剩我一人，
我该怎么办？
我无法承受这样的打击。

曾经和友人说过，
如果有一天我昏迷不醒，
我的家人一定不可以放弃我，
因为我有信心我一定会苏醒过来。

可是换个角度来看，
如果身边最亲的人都不在了，
生命不就没意义了吗？
那时，我还会苏醒吗？

这些可怕的想法，这几天都在脑里打转。
是因为我失去我的重心，我的信心吗?
我的斗志，到底跑到哪里了？

到现在为止，我还是没往回头看。
可是，我真的无法解释我现在的心情。
或许，我晓得许多事都在随着时间改变，
而我却无能为力。
感觉很差劲。

重生

去了神瀑回来，感觉自己重生了。
也许淋了圣水的那一刹那，
把自己都彻底地“洗”干净了。
我不是个迷信的人，
但我想借此改变一下自己。
或许，就这样可以更接近自己想成为的人。

十月一日，对我来说很特别。
我觉得那是我重生的日子。
做了一个会影响一生的决定，
我觉得是时候释怀了。
不想再提过去，不想再想会是怎么样。
不想再说是为了谁。
我想是时候为自己的决定负责。
这样，对谁都公平。

一份新的挑战，心情难免有点七上八下。
已经很久没有感受这样的压力。
有压力是好的，那才有推动力。
是有种又期待，又害怕的心理。
很矛盾的心情。

想借这个重生的机会，
改变一下自己的作风。
没耐性的个性，要改。
先入为主的个性，要改。
太爱说活，要改。

不晓得在不久的将来，
能否看到一个有耐性，主观，然后又聆听多过说活的自己？
如果有，我想我已经成为我想要成为的人了。

感谢有这次重生的机会。

从云南回来以后

从云南回来以后，就个一个字形容自己，累。

累，不是普通的累。

我从来没有试过，用三天的时间去睡觉。

然后，第二天醒来之后，还是全身无力，不想起床。

我想，潜意识里我也不想回到现实。

所以体力和精神都停留在云南高原里。

其实，一段长途旅行，我最讨厌的就是现在的心情。

那种与几个志同道合的朋友胡闹过后，

得收拾起心情，调整心情，回到现实。

我，是个适应能力很差的人。

所以每次长途跋涉回来后，都会有一点点的失落。

去Europe 是这样，去丝路是这样，

去日本是这样，去越南是这样，

云南也逃不过心情的挑逗。

然后，我就得拼命让自己回到现实。

云南，那让人向往的十七天。

我的记忆里，除了Europe，丝路，日本，和越南，还多了云南。

很喜欢老爹开着车，往下一个目的地前进时，

后面的同伴都睡着了，旁边的同伴不断的摄影，

而我就让思绪飞呀飞，写着我的心情。

很喜欢，我们每天为了每天的吃喝而烦。

很喜欢，我们每到一个地方，为了卫生间而愁。

我总是最后一个进去，然后就会问同伴们，“怎么样，臭吗？” （哈哈）

很喜欢，我们每天为了明天的行程而担忧。

那种随心所欲的旅程，太棒了。

没有时间的限制，想呆多久就呆多久。

还记得我们去了半天的苍山，

老爹见了我们不禁讽刺地问“苍山很美是吗？”

我们都傻笑了，因为苍山都被雾盖过了，什么都看不见。

只是我们不好意思说，我们在山上出了点意外。

还有玉龙雪山，为了能再一次看到冰川，

我们四个人，淋着雨在上面等雾散。

老爹还以为海拔太高，太冷了，我们晕倒了。

很喜欢，去雨崩徒步的感觉。

那种自我挑战的境界。

虽然徒步很辛苦，可是倔强的我们怎么样都不肯骑驴子。

最后，我们成功了。

去雨崩，神瀑，冰川，我们都是靠自己的双腿和毅力。

我为这班人感到骄傲。

真的， 有太多太多美好的回忆了。

现在想起来，还会引人发笑。

四个人的旅程，的确比两个人来的好玩。

不知道是否有机会再一次旅行，

不过这一次旅程的种种，将会成为我宝贵记忆的一部份。

谢谢你们，你们是最棒的。

我的配角，我的导演， 我的观众。

少了你们，我这个主角也演不下去。

这一次的离别不伤感

终于又到了离别的时候。
说真的，这一次的离别是我伤感最少的一次。
是我成长，看开了，还是我累了？

比起三年前，离开SP那依依不舍的心情，
我只能说现在的心情格外地平静。
也许在这个地方，我并没有付出真正的感情，
所以没有SP那种抽心的疼，
伤感也减到最低。

在这里，到目前为止，我可以说我到达我事业的巅峰。
我一直盼望事业上有的突破，都在这里一一地实现了。
或许，这里少了许多情感上的诱惑，
所以我才能那么地专注于我的工作。
也因为这样，才发现原来自己是适合IT 的。
以前一直觉得自己不适合，甚至想转行，
都是因为一直遇不到欣赏自己的人。
所以我一直很珍惜那个给我机会的人。

这里的同事，我想我会想念，
但不回太刻意吧。
毕竟，我们拥有的不多。
虽然说，我们有欢笑，有悲伤，
但始终少了些什么。
也许，因为大家都有了家事，
所以胡闹的日子也非常有限。
很感激认识他们，
他们教会了我什么叫尽责，
也让我学会了什么叫知足常乐。
不知道，我们是否有缘在做同事？

虽然是离别，但心情其实轻松多过伤感。
在这里，不能完成在香港的工作是我的遗憾，
但我也成长，也看开了。
于是我了解，只要尽力了，就应该无怨无悔。
轻松， 因为再不关我的事了。

我喜欢这样的离别方式。
轻轻松松地，淡淡地，
没有太多的伤感，没有太多的眷恋。
也许这样，我不会那么惦记着过去，
比较容易move on 吧。

我一直认为不要拿过去做比较，
一定要活得比现在更好。
这样，我才会进步。

爱情观

三十岁的我，终于认真地思考找个伴的可能性。
是寂寞吗？还是不想孤独一生？
我不晓得。

只晓得，快乐的时候，
想和另一个人分享。
只晓得，伤心的时候，
希望有个肩膀可以靠。
只晓得，无助的时候，
希望有人能给我希望，永远不遗弃我。

和友人聊起我的爱情观时，
她问我想找什么样的人。
我说，我想找个聪明但脚踏实地的人。
这样的人存在吗？
友人信心满满地和我说，
有，只是我还没遇到。

年少的时候，向往的爱情都是刻骨铭心的。
想在有生之年，轰轰烈烈地爱一回，
那就不枉此生。
爱过后，受伤后，
才发现其实爱情是可以很简单的。

三十岁的我，领悟到其实爱情是可以淡淡的，但清新的。
不需要太多的海誓山盟， 太多的甜言蜜语。
取而代之的，是一颗真诚的心，一句细心的问候。
更多的时候，只是简单的生活对白。
那就是成熟的我，所向往的简单爱情。
爱情其实不需要太惊心动魄。
爱情其实可以纯纯地，像一杯醇酒。
经过长时间的酿制，纯纯的也可以变得很香，很浓。

我想经过长时间的酿制的东西，才会长久吧。
我何时才能找到我那简单但很香很浓的爱情呢？

香港的遗憾

（于Conrad的最后一晚）

终于还是走到了这里，
已经到了这份工作的最后一次公干。
其实，这已经是连我自己也数不清的第几次工干。
我想，我已经麻木了。

用手指算一算，
其实在香港还留下许多的遗憾吧。
人生因为有遗憾，才圆满吧。

我始终没办法完成在香港的工作。
这对我的事业来说，是莫大的遗憾。
我已经尽了全力，
或许全力还不够吧。
说真的，心情真的有点低落。
我就是那么追求完美的一个人吧。

追求完美，所以有失望。
因为还能够付出，所以就还有要求吧。
我想我必须学习控制一下自己的情绪。

来了那么多次香港，
才发现，原来很多想去的地方都没去。
好像说好要去尖沙嘴的laser show，
说好要去饮茶等等，
我始终都没做到。

或许生在其中的时候，
什么都是taken for granted 吧，
直到是最后一次体验的时候，
才发现时间过得太快，
没有好好地去做该做的事。

我的人生又要迈向另一个旅程碑，
希望我真的不要有太多的遗憾。
希望我懂得珍惜眼前的人与物。
更希望我会成为更好的一个人。