Faith

It is Feb. It's been a while since i last penned down my thoughts. The dreadful exams has just passed last week and already i am feeling the "emptiness". Guess it has been two years since I last have some spare time and it is the first time i spent my weekend idling away at home, not knowing what to do. I did not arrange any appointments mostly due to the fact that i did not feel like seeing anybody. Maybe when people have time for me, I don't, and when I have time for them, they don't. As time passed, it did not matter if we did meet up or not, such is reality.

Actually, i have always thought this year is a fabulous year for me, but at this point of writing, I do not know why, but I seemed to be breaking apart, breaking down, and my world seemed to be collasping for no apparent reason. Perhaps I have lost my faith in things, I do not know. All I know was it started with Sunflower's simple comments that set me thinking. I do not blame her for causing this depression episode, she has just brought out my "repressed" thoughts. Indeed the past two years, I have been so overwhelmed by Psych and so caught up in dividing my time between work and study that the things I have been thinking before I started Psych have been "repressed".

Her striking comment about me was I have very few friends that I could turn to. And I was like mine, she was so accurate. Actually I am a very easy-going person and I made friends easily. To put it bluntly, most of the people will like me when they talked to me. However, that was only my facade. Very few people could actually share my thoughts (I really wonder if there were any.) I began to evaluate the friendships I have established over the years. Honestly, I have always felt I was pretty lucky that I was able to find two persons who could share some of my thoughts. However, on a closer inspection, I began to lose my faith in them. Let's take the first one for example. She is a childhood friend, and we practically watched each other grew up. However, she has always maintained a safe distance for her motto is "In order to be friends, there is a need to establish a distance." Well for me, I respect that and I do not mind for I am comfortable with that kind of friendship, it is kind of "special". Having a good friend who always wanted to maintain a safety distance, is kind of interesting experience to me. I never have any expectations of her as a friend, but when I have always to take the initiative to meet up, I would get tired. At this juncture, I think I am pretty tired in initiating gatherings. Perhaps, at this point, my mind is too boggled up.

Well for the second one, I think we got too close together that I begin to have expectations of her. Yes, I know it is wrong in the first place to have expectations of friends, that's why I am trying to suppress myself so that I would not jeopardise our friendship. However, what was hurting was whatever was shared between us, would be shared between her and her sister. It sort of pained me because I think some of things were pretty confidential. And both of them had to tell me there were not secrets between them. Somehow, I felt a sense of "betrayal". Because of this, it made me think twice when I want to share something with her. It is as if I am telling two persons (one of them whom I am not very close to) about myself. Knowing how private a person I am, I do not like that feeling of having disclosed myself and having the other party msning me about things that I have never disclosed to personally. Perhaps, this friend of mine has not understood the essence of friendship, I feel.

Perhaps it is kind of silly to have these kind of thoughts. But somehow, I feel my faith in people is diminishing. It is kind of scary. I do not know who I can turn to, to share my happiness, my unhappiness and most importantly my thoughts. I always dreamt of meeting that special person, who could understand me, and able to relate to me. But what Sunflower has said had dealt with me a strong blow, the cruel fact that I may not be able to find that one person who I could relate to. Indeed, it was a dreadful thought even though I know I have alternatives to carry on with my life. I am not sure why I am having these thoughts lately. Perhaps, my mind is too lethargic to think. Once again, I feel I begin to lose faith in people. That happened to me before and it took a rather special person to make me regain my confidence and for that, I always owed him one I feel (though he never knew he had brighten up somebody's life.)

Whenever I tried to share with people about the thoughts I have, the common remark is "You think too much". Well, at first I thought so. However, after reading M.J Scott Peck "The Road Less Travelled and Beyond", I agreed with him that you never think too much. From his book, I deduced that ability to think is a gift. It is free and you are free to do anything with the gift. Perhaps because of this special gift, I began my own struggles and lost my faith. Perhaps, I was at the cross road of making a decision that I have lost my faith. Or maybe I am too busy with a BIG project that was turning into a mess as time goes by. I think I am trying to analyse and rationalise the thoughts/feelings that are going through me.

School is starting in another three weeks or so, for that I really hope I could get myself out of this mess. I wanted to start feeling positive again, start meeting with people again. I guess this period is what I call a cool off period, a time to really get in touch with my own feelings, to think about what I really wanted to do. Most importantly, to learn more about myself, my disappointments, my faith, my convictions and many many more. Hopefully, it would not take too long for me to get out of this mess.