懒洋洋地坐在电脑前面，听着不断播出的mp3，正好播着《向左走，向右走》的主题曲，一部我看了哭了死去活来的电影。回想着这半年来的生活，除了忙，就是累。感觉上，心忙也盲了。每天， 除了工作就是读书，日子过得很快，但有空挡的时候，不时会觉得有一股空虚感。
我，到底怎么了？
感觉上，心很麻。在工作上，时不时都开怀大笑，但那是我吗？还是我用笑声来掩饰自己心灵上的空虚与寂寞，我不晓得。常常对自己说，要善待自己，因为这个世界，如果自己不爱自己，那我就得不到爱了。宁愿做一个等爱也可以爱别人的我，也不想做一个只能让别人爱的人。也许，付出对我来说，永远是一种美。
这半年来，已经减少出门的次数，可能是累到已经没有多余的经历，和友人畅所欲言，也可能只想一个人静一静， 想想未来的路该怎么走。
再过一个星期，就要开始我人生最后的一个二十年头。心情是很复杂的，也许今年将会是我在这里度过的最后一个生日。明年的那一天，我会在那里，我不知道。想像着离开的情景，心里充满了惆怅。离开永远是伤感的。到新的国度，一个人去过新的生活，我会有着怎么样的经历？有一点点的期待，但跟多的舍不得。舍不得我的家人，我那群一起胡闹的朋友，更舍不得那回家的感觉。我会变成怎么样的一个人， 更独立还是更孤僻？
每一年，到了这个时候，我总会有一点点的期待。总是期待会有意想不到的惊喜，可是每一次都那么平淡。不过也因为平淡，让我学会珍惜。每一年，我都有着同样的习惯，数数看有多少人献上祝福，也会看谁是黑马， 会在那一天和我联系。我想每一个联系都代表着一份祝福吧。虽然每一年，我总会有一些失望，但也会有一些惊喜吧。人生不过也如此。
希望今年迎接我的生日时，心不再那么麻，也希望会有一点点的惊喜，让我至少可以记得在我还没离乡背井的那个生日，是用什么样的心情度过的。
Monday, April 10, 2006
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
思念
最近我一直想起 你。
你，好吗？
偶尔，收到 你的简讯，
偶尔，从别人口中知道 你的消息，
心里会闪过，一丝的 开心。
你，有打听 我的消息吗？
你，有惦记 我吗？
那天意外收到 你的简讯，
天天倒数着，和你 相见。
结果换来，一箩箩的 失望。
我， 好傻。
A 和 K, 分手了。
我想起， 我们四个人的日子。
我，始终走不出 你的阴影。
三年了。
**想你，念你，惦你，可惜都不是你。**
你，好吗？
偶尔，收到 你的简讯，
偶尔，从别人口中知道 你的消息，
心里会闪过，一丝的 开心。
你，有打听 我的消息吗？
你，有惦记 我吗？
那天意外收到 你的简讯，
天天倒数着，和你 相见。
结果换来，一箩箩的 失望。
我， 好傻。
A 和 K, 分手了。
我想起， 我们四个人的日子。
我，始终走不出 你的阴影。
三年了。
**想你，念你，惦你，可惜都不是你。**
Saturday, March 18, 2006
Family
Family.....I still remember when I was young, I never had the guts to write about it. Perhaps I was an escapist. Whenever the composition title was "My Family", I would agonise over it because it was time for me to tell a white lie, to use my creativity to paint the kind of family I wanted. No matter how hard I tried, the family I came out with only existed in my writings, not in reality.
I had to admit, I did not grow up in a healthy environment and somehow, that did contribute to part of me now. Well, in my context, every family was dsyfunct in some way or the other. The difference was only in the depth of seriousness. Anyway, I had already came to terms with my family. I realised parents and siblings are the only things in the world that I have no choice with. It is God's gift to me.
Gradually, I began to appreciate my family. Due to its dysfunction, I had to mature earlier than my peers and I was much closer to my siblings than the rest. And at this point in time, when the thoughts came to me that I was leaving them soon, somehow, a feeling of sadness overcame me. Perhaps, I have never left home and live independently before, perhaps I was scared, perhaps I was worried that when I needed emotional support, I could only depend on myself.....
Last weekend was my Grandma's birthday. Actually to be honest, I was not very close to her. Every year, attending birthdays was going through a motion until my Grandpa passed away suddenly last year. Suddenly, it dawned to me, it could be the last time I would be celebrating for her, I would not know. So this year was kind of special, at least I feel I was not going through the motion, but enjoying the process. As usual, this year I was the photographer. Personally, I feel this year I had taken a number of nature shots. The one shown was my favourite, capture the main lead and her numerous great-grandchildren.
I am very sure I would miss home when I departed for my dreams in another 1 year or so. I would miss the "smell" of coming home everyday after work. I am not sure if the rest have the same feeling before. Everyday, no matter how tired I am, I am still looking forward to going home. At least, I know there is somebody at home waiting for me. And as soon as I reached the area where I stayed, I could practically smell the familiar scent, the bird chirping, the housewives busy cooking dinners, the hungry schoolchildren coming home from school, all looking forward to going home. Once I reached the foreign land, I would miss this feeling terribly. There is no one at home, no one cares if I do go home or not, and no one cares if I have had my dinner. And there is no one I could turn to if I need emotional support. Everything has to be on myself.......and I have to be strong enough for that.
Sometimes I really wonder if I make the right decision by leaving my family behind to achieve what I wanted to. Well, I can only say if I do not try now, I would never have the guts to try it out anymore as age is catching up. I just had to promise myself, no matter how tough things are, I will tide it through and I will make it home once again definitely and make the folks at home proud of me.
Monday, March 06, 2006
想念
想念你,
昔日的憧憬,
今日不断地浮现。
想念你,
你的魄力，你的激发，你对我的信任,
如今却再也找不回那股干劲。
想念你,
在同样的星空里，同样的时间里,
却少了那熟悉的你,
我只能对同伴述说种种的你。
想念你,
感谢你,
感激你成为我生命中,
另一个有份量的人,
照亮在黑暗抹索的我。
想念你，
祈祷，期待着......
何时才会再一次相遇，
何时才能再一次敞开胸怀，
细说从前。
(这篇文章到底是为谁而写，我自己也混淆了.....)
昔日的憧憬,
今日不断地浮现。
想念你,
你的魄力，你的激发，你对我的信任,
如今却再也找不回那股干劲。
想念你,
在同样的星空里，同样的时间里,
却少了那熟悉的你,
我只能对同伴述说种种的你。
想念你,
感谢你,
感激你成为我生命中,
另一个有份量的人,
照亮在黑暗抹索的我。
想念你，
祈祷，期待着......
何时才会再一次相遇，
何时才能再一次敞开胸怀，
细说从前。
(这篇文章到底是为谁而写，我自己也混淆了.....)
Friday, March 03, 2006
Friends
Honestly, I never like to think about Friends, not especially in writing. To me, I am a person with very few friends, as long as I am comfortable with you, that is good enough. But do not try to step into my inner world, the world of my thoughts. However, there are always exceptions and the few that slipped through are what I called them my gem, but sometimes these gem would cause me disappointments too. Alas, this is not another blog to pen down my disappointment in Friends....think I have written too much on that issue before. The problem could be well myself. However, I would like to write about a few people who have or have the potential to become my Friends and the kind of relationship we shared put me at ease.
I think I have became friends with Sunflower. Yes, it is Sunflower again. She is worth special mention here because I think I owed her a debt. If there is any slightest chance of me becoming a great psychologist in the future, she will be the first person I would want to thank and she will always hold a special place in my heart where Psychology is concerned. Indeed, if not for that stimulating class that she has taught, I think I would have given up Psy long ago. She brought the then disillusioned me back to reality, believing in me that I could succeed if I wanted to, and imparting her knowledge to me. Yes, I think I did not let her down. I scored a Distinction for what most labelled as the toughest paper. Is not only the paper academic I am grateful to her, I am more grateful to her for sharing her aspirations, her thoughts and her stir of my emotions where Psy is concerned. She truly made me ponder if I should /am talented in this area. She brought back the motivation in me for doing my best and yes, I really appreciate those thought provoking sessions where my head was in a turmoil after talking to her. She truly inspired me. To me, I think she will be someone who I always looked up to (just like what I always trying to find in friends, something for me to look up to).
The second lady I have to admit, I used to judge her. I used to find her a "bimbo", complaining over the slightest thing. But fate has decreed us that we should become closer after we both left the place where we once work. She is what I defined in between a simple and a not so simple person. Is an awkward position to be in, somewhere in between. Well for one, she is quite intelligent and for one given her intelligence, she is not at all scheming but yearning for a simplistic life. I remembered I told her about the mild depression I suffered during one of the msn session. What she said hit the nail. The minute you were unhappy, you have wasted one minute of your life. How true that statement is. I have always reminded myself to be happy, but it takes somebody in middle ground, to give me that tight slap to see the light in tunnel. I have to admit, she has matured over the years and our friendship sort of build up over the msn sessions. She is not a so simple person who has able to live a simple life. Maybe through al the sharing sessions, I have come to appreciate her beauty. Is kind of funny when at one moment, you feel / think that this person can never be your friend and at the next moment, this person could well be the one offering some sort of solace. For that, I really appreciate her kind intention.
The third lady is an old time friend. Actually, I am not sure if she comes close to my category as a friend. We braved through thick and thin during our school days, however she is the kind of person whom I never will have expectations. She has drawn the line very clearly that her family is her priority and friends always come second. And yes, is the same case for me. However, I guess there is some aspect of her character that is not so well-formed that will put me off at times. Nevertheless, we kept in touch all these years. It is how funny things go. Right at this moment, we are all fighting hard to fulfill our dreams and so we could empathise with each other, and spurring each other on, not to give up till the end. Is a kind of special bond. From time to time, when she is disillusioned, she will come to me for advice and we exchange pointers in the process of achieving our dreams. Though like I mentioned earlier, she had some aspects of characteristics that put me off, she also had some characteristics that made me admire her. For one, she is also a fighter, hanging on always for her dreams. I like people with dreams and I admire people who set all out to achieve them. Perhaps, we are the similar kind of people who will go all out to do what we set to. Her self-discipline and motivation earned my admiration.
It is kind of interesting to ponder why these 3 persons are doing in my life at the same time, the time when I am disappointed with my own collection of gem. Perhaps, it is trying to tell me something. That I am not alone, that I always have people to count on. Throughout my whole mild depression episode, one of my favourite gem was missing and even though I did spell briefly what was happening in my life, no further action was taken from her. Perhaps, I think she was too caught up in her own life that she forgot to spare a thought for those who knocked on her door briefly. Indeed, it did really upset me to feel ignored and even more disappointed that when I needed help or call for help, her hand was not lifted out to me. Anyway, perhaps I feel I should move on to other gem in life. Indeed, there were many who really cared for me and helped me through my ordeal. And the most ironical thing was these people did not even come close to my category of friends.
That is it about life. The thing you cherished most need not necessarily be the best, isn't it? Actually, I feel I learnt something from this mild depression. The person you cared about the most may not reciprocate in similar manner. Sometimes, it takes a stranger to show that they care.
Friends to me now has a new meaning. It doesnt mean you have to know the other party very well to be considered a friend. In the past, I was too stringent in my category of friends. It is always better to have more friends, more people to rely on for support when the need arises. And never never forsake or ignore those who called on you. You never know what impact your actions have on them.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
感动
好久没有用华文下笔了。我想，自从我上了心理学的课之后，便想磨练自己的英语，所以把思绪都用英语写下。今天，在无意间，看了某人的文笔之后，有了一丝的感动，所以决定提笔，写下自己的感触。
跟某人并不熟悉，因为其实只认识了两天，可是他和那个人有太多的相似之处，让我这几天一直不断想起那个人。一样的温柔，一样的外形，一样的黑，还有一样的感性。其实，我以为只有外形一样而已，可是没想到某人也是个思绪紧密的男人。在工作之余，无意间翻读了某人的网上日记，有了一些感动。他的文笔是我少数看到的棒，而且又是出自一个男生，所以除了感动，还是感动。文笔间，流露了他那颗寂寞的心，还有那渴望回家的心情。也许，在短暂的未来，我也有着同样的感觉，所以，可以特别了解他的心情。也不晓得为什么，读了之后，感觉很好。也许，他掩饰得很好，所以一直看不出他是一个思绪周密的人。那种渴望简单， 单纯的生活。或许，人很多时候都身不由己吧。我自己何尝不是呢？
很可惜，是在办公的时候认识了某人，因为我已经告诉自己，在办公时，不可以再投入感情了。因为一次的摔伤，对感情也不抱任何的期待。我也告诉自己，因为自己有了期限，所以不能在这个时候，为了感情，放弃梦想。更不想让自己的思绪，影响了判断能力。或许，如果换一个场合认识某人的话，也许我们能成为知己，毕竟大家都是性情中人。
不知道我是不是还走不出那个人的阴影？还是这两个人真的那么相像。第一次见到的时候，我就觉得，真的是天意，又让我碰到另一个那么相像的人。我一直觉得，我已经走出阴影，可是生活上的许多事，还是会让我想起那个人。也许，我真的太投入了，所以我一直觉得，自己的世界里，已经有了个缺口， 而我却一直还在寻觅那个留了缺口的那个人。
我真的回不到过去，回不到还没认识那个人的时间。我想，失去的永远是最好的吧。虽然已经不再奢望什么了，可是还是无法弥扑那残缺的缺口。
跟某人并不熟悉，因为其实只认识了两天，可是他和那个人有太多的相似之处，让我这几天一直不断想起那个人。一样的温柔，一样的外形，一样的黑，还有一样的感性。其实，我以为只有外形一样而已，可是没想到某人也是个思绪紧密的男人。在工作之余，无意间翻读了某人的网上日记，有了一些感动。他的文笔是我少数看到的棒，而且又是出自一个男生，所以除了感动，还是感动。文笔间，流露了他那颗寂寞的心，还有那渴望回家的心情。也许，在短暂的未来，我也有着同样的感觉，所以，可以特别了解他的心情。也不晓得为什么，读了之后，感觉很好。也许，他掩饰得很好，所以一直看不出他是一个思绪周密的人。那种渴望简单， 单纯的生活。或许，人很多时候都身不由己吧。我自己何尝不是呢？
很可惜，是在办公的时候认识了某人，因为我已经告诉自己，在办公时，不可以再投入感情了。因为一次的摔伤，对感情也不抱任何的期待。我也告诉自己，因为自己有了期限，所以不能在这个时候，为了感情，放弃梦想。更不想让自己的思绪，影响了判断能力。或许，如果换一个场合认识某人的话，也许我们能成为知己，毕竟大家都是性情中人。
不知道我是不是还走不出那个人的阴影？还是这两个人真的那么相像。第一次见到的时候，我就觉得，真的是天意，又让我碰到另一个那么相像的人。我一直觉得，我已经走出阴影，可是生活上的许多事，还是会让我想起那个人。也许，我真的太投入了，所以我一直觉得，自己的世界里，已经有了个缺口， 而我却一直还在寻觅那个留了缺口的那个人。
我真的回不到过去，回不到还没认识那个人的时间。我想，失去的永远是最好的吧。虽然已经不再奢望什么了，可是还是无法弥扑那残缺的缺口。
Monday, February 13, 2006
Faith
It is Feb. It's been a while since i last penned down my thoughts. The dreadful exams has just passed last week and already i am feeling the "emptiness". Guess it has been two years since I last have some spare time and it is the first time i spent my weekend idling away at home, not knowing what to do. I did not arrange any appointments mostly due to the fact that i did not feel like seeing anybody. Maybe when people have time for me, I don't, and when I have time for them, they don't. As time passed, it did not matter if we did meet up or not, such is reality.
Actually, i have always thought this year is a fabulous year for me, but at this point of writing, I do not know why, but I seemed to be breaking apart, breaking down, and my world seemed to be collasping for no apparent reason. Perhaps I have lost my faith in things, I do not know. All I know was it started with Sunflower's simple comments that set me thinking. I do not blame her for causing this depression episode, she has just brought out my "repressed" thoughts. Indeed the past two years, I have been so overwhelmed by Psych and so caught up in dividing my time between work and study that the things I have been thinking before I started Psych have been "repressed".
Her striking comment about me was I have very few friends that I could turn to. And I was like mine, she was so accurate. Actually I am a very easy-going person and I made friends easily. To put it bluntly, most of the people will like me when they talked to me. However, that was only my facade. Very few people could actually share my thoughts (I really wonder if there were any.) I began to evaluate the friendships I have established over the years. Honestly, I have always felt I was pretty lucky that I was able to find two persons who could share some of my thoughts. However, on a closer inspection, I began to lose my faith in them. Let's take the first one for example. She is a childhood friend, and we practically watched each other grew up. However, she has always maintained a safe distance for her motto is "In order to be friends, there is a need to establish a distance." Well for me, I respect that and I do not mind for I am comfortable with that kind of friendship, it is kind of "special". Having a good friend who always wanted to maintain a safety distance, is kind of interesting experience to me. I never have any expectations of her as a friend, but when I have always to take the initiative to meet up, I would get tired. At this juncture, I think I am pretty tired in initiating gatherings. Perhaps, at this point, my mind is too boggled up.
Well for the second one, I think we got too close together that I begin to have expectations of her. Yes, I know it is wrong in the first place to have expectations of friends, that's why I am trying to suppress myself so that I would not jeopardise our friendship. However, what was hurting was whatever was shared between us, would be shared between her and her sister. It sort of pained me because I think some of things were pretty confidential. And both of them had to tell me there were not secrets between them. Somehow, I felt a sense of "betrayal". Because of this, it made me think twice when I want to share something with her. It is as if I am telling two persons (one of them whom I am not very close to) about myself. Knowing how private a person I am, I do not like that feeling of having disclosed myself and having the other party msning me about things that I have never disclosed to personally. Perhaps, this friend of mine has not understood the essence of friendship, I feel.
Perhaps it is kind of silly to have these kind of thoughts. But somehow, I feel my faith in people is diminishing. It is kind of scary. I do not know who I can turn to, to share my happiness, my unhappiness and most importantly my thoughts. I always dreamt of meeting that special person, who could understand me, and able to relate to me. But what Sunflower has said had dealt with me a strong blow, the cruel fact that I may not be able to find that one person who I could relate to. Indeed, it was a dreadful thought even though I know I have alternatives to carry on with my life. I am not sure why I am having these thoughts lately. Perhaps, my mind is too lethargic to think. Once again, I feel I begin to lose faith in people. That happened to me before and it took a rather special person to make me regain my confidence and for that, I always owed him one I feel (though he never knew he had brighten up somebody's life.)
Whenever I tried to share with people about the thoughts I have, the common remark is "You think too much". Well, at first I thought so. However, after reading M.J Scott Peck "The Road Less Travelled and Beyond", I agreed with him that you never think too much. From his book, I deduced that ability to think is a gift. It is free and you are free to do anything with the gift. Perhaps because of this special gift, I began my own struggles and lost my faith. Perhaps, I was at the cross road of making a decision that I have lost my faith. Or maybe I am too busy with a BIG project that was turning into a mess as time goes by. I think I am trying to analyse and rationalise the thoughts/feelings that are going through me.
School is starting in another three weeks or so, for that I really hope I could get myself out of this mess. I wanted to start feeling positive again, start meeting with people again. I guess this period is what I call a cool off period, a time to really get in touch with my own feelings, to think about what I really wanted to do. Most importantly, to learn more about myself, my disappointments, my faith, my convictions and many many more. Hopefully, it would not take too long for me to get out of this mess.
Actually, i have always thought this year is a fabulous year for me, but at this point of writing, I do not know why, but I seemed to be breaking apart, breaking down, and my world seemed to be collasping for no apparent reason. Perhaps I have lost my faith in things, I do not know. All I know was it started with Sunflower's simple comments that set me thinking. I do not blame her for causing this depression episode, she has just brought out my "repressed" thoughts. Indeed the past two years, I have been so overwhelmed by Psych and so caught up in dividing my time between work and study that the things I have been thinking before I started Psych have been "repressed".
Her striking comment about me was I have very few friends that I could turn to. And I was like mine, she was so accurate. Actually I am a very easy-going person and I made friends easily. To put it bluntly, most of the people will like me when they talked to me. However, that was only my facade. Very few people could actually share my thoughts (I really wonder if there were any.) I began to evaluate the friendships I have established over the years. Honestly, I have always felt I was pretty lucky that I was able to find two persons who could share some of my thoughts. However, on a closer inspection, I began to lose my faith in them. Let's take the first one for example. She is a childhood friend, and we practically watched each other grew up. However, she has always maintained a safe distance for her motto is "In order to be friends, there is a need to establish a distance." Well for me, I respect that and I do not mind for I am comfortable with that kind of friendship, it is kind of "special". Having a good friend who always wanted to maintain a safety distance, is kind of interesting experience to me. I never have any expectations of her as a friend, but when I have always to take the initiative to meet up, I would get tired. At this juncture, I think I am pretty tired in initiating gatherings. Perhaps, at this point, my mind is too boggled up.
Well for the second one, I think we got too close together that I begin to have expectations of her. Yes, I know it is wrong in the first place to have expectations of friends, that's why I am trying to suppress myself so that I would not jeopardise our friendship. However, what was hurting was whatever was shared between us, would be shared between her and her sister. It sort of pained me because I think some of things were pretty confidential. And both of them had to tell me there were not secrets between them. Somehow, I felt a sense of "betrayal". Because of this, it made me think twice when I want to share something with her. It is as if I am telling two persons (one of them whom I am not very close to) about myself. Knowing how private a person I am, I do not like that feeling of having disclosed myself and having the other party msning me about things that I have never disclosed to personally. Perhaps, this friend of mine has not understood the essence of friendship, I feel.
Perhaps it is kind of silly to have these kind of thoughts. But somehow, I feel my faith in people is diminishing. It is kind of scary. I do not know who I can turn to, to share my happiness, my unhappiness and most importantly my thoughts. I always dreamt of meeting that special person, who could understand me, and able to relate to me. But what Sunflower has said had dealt with me a strong blow, the cruel fact that I may not be able to find that one person who I could relate to. Indeed, it was a dreadful thought even though I know I have alternatives to carry on with my life. I am not sure why I am having these thoughts lately. Perhaps, my mind is too lethargic to think. Once again, I feel I begin to lose faith in people. That happened to me before and it took a rather special person to make me regain my confidence and for that, I always owed him one I feel (though he never knew he had brighten up somebody's life.)
Whenever I tried to share with people about the thoughts I have, the common remark is "You think too much". Well, at first I thought so. However, after reading M.J Scott Peck "The Road Less Travelled and Beyond", I agreed with him that you never think too much. From his book, I deduced that ability to think is a gift. It is free and you are free to do anything with the gift. Perhaps because of this special gift, I began my own struggles and lost my faith. Perhaps, I was at the cross road of making a decision that I have lost my faith. Or maybe I am too busy with a BIG project that was turning into a mess as time goes by. I think I am trying to analyse and rationalise the thoughts/feelings that are going through me.
School is starting in another three weeks or so, for that I really hope I could get myself out of this mess. I wanted to start feeling positive again, start meeting with people again. I guess this period is what I call a cool off period, a time to really get in touch with my own feelings, to think about what I really wanted to do. Most importantly, to learn more about myself, my disappointments, my faith, my convictions and many many more. Hopefully, it would not take too long for me to get out of this mess.
Saturday, January 28, 2006
Another Thursday
As i was writing this, the part of the world where i was coming from was celebrating the lunar new year eve. Just had a reunion dinner wif my folks. Having helped out for the first time in cooking, tis year is really a bit different. Anyway, i m not sure if i will be at home next lunar new year eve, so is impt that i enjoyed the every bit of it. The feelings of having to spend the most impt chinese festival alone indeed spelled loneliness to me...but well, who knows what next year has in store for me.
Had another gd thursday in the week that just passed. Was a bit sad and reluctant that this semester flew so fast. It was the last lesson for my summer module tis sem and i hated to say goodbye to Sunflower. But well, everything has to come to an end, isn't it? I still rem the first time i saw her, she took over the lesson from the previous lecturer who was not competent enough. Well, i tot, another change. Never had any strong feelings for her except tat she was one of the better ones who cld teach. Never did i tot she wld become my inspiration for this particular tough module. It all started wif her approaching me abt the lessons, wat was taught the previous week and the questions abt assignments. Gradually we became frens thru emails exchanges. Guess something good really came out of the course tis semester.
Stayed back to chat wif her after the last class. Talked abt a lot of things, abt her aspirations, her rejections she suffered in Psych, her tots abt the course. Hmm, she was truly a high flier in Psych and possibly in her academic achievements. She scored 7 HDs and 3 Ds. I was like wow, she is fantastic. But to be honest, she was rite, scoring HDs was not difficult. For me it was difficult becos i had problems wif the writings. She was really nice in that aspect and humble. She told me i cld actually approach her for my last module where writings are concerned and she will help me out. Well, as the teaching guidelines said, the lecturer was not supposed to vet the student's writings. But wat she said make sense. If she was not teaching that module, there wld not be any conflicts. Felt tat she was really helpful. For my part, i wld definitely approach her though it was gg to be my last module and an elective at tat, but that doesnt mean i will slack.
I began to tink she was sent by God to tell me to persist on in Psych. At this juncture, my career was actually taking off and i was actually tinking of pursuing my career rather than Psych. But looking at her attitude and her achievements, it made me had second tots. No doubt the job i had now was wat i had been waiting for for a long long time, and no doubt i was deeply appreciated in the company and highly looked up upon, but something seemed to be missing. Upon inspection, i tink the satisfaction of helping pple and myself was missing. Yes, i was satisfied to be able to build systems, to do wat others deemed as impossible, but i feel i was not getting in touch wif myself and wif others, not learning more abt "life". Whereas in Psych, everything i learnt, i cld apply it and learn abt myself, the pple ard me and life itself, my career just gave me the "technical" satisfaction. I was worried i was not able to feed myself if i switched to Psych, but seeing how Sunflower overcame all the obstacles and being happy wif herself, i felt i cld do the same. She was rite, if i wanted to do it, i cld. However the desire encompassed a lot of things, including sacrifices. I wld not be earning as much i wld now, meaning i have to cut back on my luxurious travelling plans. But i will be happy. I remembered i once said, after all the travelling, i wld get sick of it, till then i will have to find other alternatives. So it seemed, if i do Psych, i wld be in touch wif myself and in touch wif "life". Perhaps thru her, i really see wat i wanted for myself. Perhaps God feel i should persist on and do what i really wanted and be happy.
I tink i m really lucky to have met her. After more than 20 years of studying, i finally saw an inspiring teacher who gives me the ray of hope. I feel she had made great sacrifices to fulfill her dreams. If she cld do it, so cld I. So it stayed for now that i will be pursuing Psych. Perhaps after i grad in June and if i have the spare time, i will sit in for some of the classes that i been thru and find out new things abt myself.
In the new year to come, i promise myself that i will be happy always, wif less expectations, be an inspiration to others and become a better person.
I m sure i will stay in touch wif Sunflower for a long long time, perhaps even till the time i leave for my dreams. Thank you Lady, you have truly been wonderful!
Had another gd thursday in the week that just passed. Was a bit sad and reluctant that this semester flew so fast. It was the last lesson for my summer module tis sem and i hated to say goodbye to Sunflower. But well, everything has to come to an end, isn't it? I still rem the first time i saw her, she took over the lesson from the previous lecturer who was not competent enough. Well, i tot, another change. Never had any strong feelings for her except tat she was one of the better ones who cld teach. Never did i tot she wld become my inspiration for this particular tough module. It all started wif her approaching me abt the lessons, wat was taught the previous week and the questions abt assignments. Gradually we became frens thru emails exchanges. Guess something good really came out of the course tis semester.
Stayed back to chat wif her after the last class. Talked abt a lot of things, abt her aspirations, her rejections she suffered in Psych, her tots abt the course. Hmm, she was truly a high flier in Psych and possibly in her academic achievements. She scored 7 HDs and 3 Ds. I was like wow, she is fantastic. But to be honest, she was rite, scoring HDs was not difficult. For me it was difficult becos i had problems wif the writings. She was really nice in that aspect and humble. She told me i cld actually approach her for my last module where writings are concerned and she will help me out. Well, as the teaching guidelines said, the lecturer was not supposed to vet the student's writings. But wat she said make sense. If she was not teaching that module, there wld not be any conflicts. Felt tat she was really helpful. For my part, i wld definitely approach her though it was gg to be my last module and an elective at tat, but that doesnt mean i will slack.
I began to tink she was sent by God to tell me to persist on in Psych. At this juncture, my career was actually taking off and i was actually tinking of pursuing my career rather than Psych. But looking at her attitude and her achievements, it made me had second tots. No doubt the job i had now was wat i had been waiting for for a long long time, and no doubt i was deeply appreciated in the company and highly looked up upon, but something seemed to be missing. Upon inspection, i tink the satisfaction of helping pple and myself was missing. Yes, i was satisfied to be able to build systems, to do wat others deemed as impossible, but i feel i was not getting in touch wif myself and wif others, not learning more abt "life". Whereas in Psych, everything i learnt, i cld apply it and learn abt myself, the pple ard me and life itself, my career just gave me the "technical" satisfaction. I was worried i was not able to feed myself if i switched to Psych, but seeing how Sunflower overcame all the obstacles and being happy wif herself, i felt i cld do the same. She was rite, if i wanted to do it, i cld. However the desire encompassed a lot of things, including sacrifices. I wld not be earning as much i wld now, meaning i have to cut back on my luxurious travelling plans. But i will be happy. I remembered i once said, after all the travelling, i wld get sick of it, till then i will have to find other alternatives. So it seemed, if i do Psych, i wld be in touch wif myself and in touch wif "life". Perhaps thru her, i really see wat i wanted for myself. Perhaps God feel i should persist on and do what i really wanted and be happy.
I tink i m really lucky to have met her. After more than 20 years of studying, i finally saw an inspiring teacher who gives me the ray of hope. I feel she had made great sacrifices to fulfill her dreams. If she cld do it, so cld I. So it stayed for now that i will be pursuing Psych. Perhaps after i grad in June and if i have the spare time, i will sit in for some of the classes that i been thru and find out new things abt myself.
In the new year to come, i promise myself that i will be happy always, wif less expectations, be an inspiration to others and become a better person.
I m sure i will stay in touch wif Sunflower for a long long time, perhaps even till the time i leave for my dreams. Thank you Lady, you have truly been wonderful!
Friday, January 20, 2006
Good vs Evil
It's thursday, and to tell the truth, i m looking towards every thursday these days due to my Psych class. I tink the last few lessons had actually been stimulating, in terms of knowledge from the class as well as learning more abt myself. I tink it was the first time, i feel i m truly in a Psych class, learning more and more abt myself....really enjoy it. The downside of it was, my head was always in turmoil on the way back from school, thinking of the conversations i have had wif Sunflower earlier on.
It all started wif the chain of email exchanges we have and today the conversation started wif my job....frankly i wasnt too keen to talk abt my job becos it was so tiring to explain abt IT and concepts of OO. i guess i just wasnt a good lecturer where IT is concerned, anyway i admired her drive for learning, and she is forever so keen abt things happening around her. Then the conversation stemmed towards the direction of Forensic Psych which i was deeply interested in. I explained to her abt my motivation, which was wat drove pple into Psychopathology. We had the same concepts abt humans. Humans are innately good, however i put it in a negative way to explain it. I believed everyone of us cld become psychopaths if we lose our self-control, though we are good by nature, while she believe that humans are +ve beings. Then it all sparked off the good vs the bad / evil. She had a valid pt, Psychopathology is a veri dark area, an area where one will be led astray unless one had a strong willpower. However, i feel that was wat sparked off my interest. I always believed that if one had strong willpower, they will not turn to psychopath, meaning psychopaths are pple who lost their self-control and deviated from the normal good value systems. However, it was amazing that these pple who lost their self-control cld actually influence pple who are not so strong mentally and manipulate them. I tink i shocked her, becos it appeared i was such a "dark" person.
Honestly, just a few months ago, i really wanted to give up Psych, i was afraid i wld lose self control and became a "bad" person. I tink i was too engrossed into the world of Psych and i always think everyone has a "dark" side of their characteristics and if u did not suppress that "dark" side, it is easy to go the other way. However, i tink i managed to pick myself up from that mess, but of course i m worried. I studied Psych to help pple, not to harm pple. So today, by having a conversation wif Sunflower, she really sparked off tis issue of Good vs Evil. To me, there is a thin line of difference between them, and each of us will view an incident differently, there are so many areas to consider, so it is easy to deviate from one side to another. I tink i have truly aroused her interest in me. But she hit the nail twice wifin that short conversation, she cld tell i m a philosopical person and not many pple cld understand my tots. It was kinda of scary.
Recently i looked back in the frens i have and i realise not even my two best frens cld understand me or my tots. At times, i tend to pose thought poking questions to them which stimulated them, but it was funny tat they nvr tot of these things. More importantly, i tink i tend to share more of my tots abt the world, abt pple to them than the other way. Sometimes i really wonder if i m normal. Tat explained the helplessness feeling i experienced at times tat no one cld understand or share my tots, and tat also explained the loneliness feeling i have at times. Maybe i really tink too much.
Sunflower also posed another interesting question. Why was pple also so interested in the -ve aspects of life if human is innately +ve/good? My ans wld be there was nothing much to study abt the gd things. The "bad" things made studies interesting or challenging. My pt is by finding out how pple deviated to the bad side of things, is easier to curb them rather enforcing the positive things abt them. Prevention is always better than cure.
I dunno if i m normal, but sometimes i tink i m afraid by having these kinds of weird tots. I truly wanted to be "good" person. However, it seemed pple ard me din seem to be experiencing the same things and i worried myself by tinking too much abt pple's nature. Perhaps i was gifted in a particular way which i have not realised it yet. Really hope Sunflower cld ans some of my questions. She looked so amazed at my perception abt things.
Anyway, it's been a tiring day today. Hopefully after meeting up wif her after exams, i cld understand myself better. Truly, i have made somebody interested in knowing me.
It all started wif the chain of email exchanges we have and today the conversation started wif my job....frankly i wasnt too keen to talk abt my job becos it was so tiring to explain abt IT and concepts of OO. i guess i just wasnt a good lecturer where IT is concerned, anyway i admired her drive for learning, and she is forever so keen abt things happening around her. Then the conversation stemmed towards the direction of Forensic Psych which i was deeply interested in. I explained to her abt my motivation, which was wat drove pple into Psychopathology. We had the same concepts abt humans. Humans are innately good, however i put it in a negative way to explain it. I believed everyone of us cld become psychopaths if we lose our self-control, though we are good by nature, while she believe that humans are +ve beings. Then it all sparked off the good vs the bad / evil. She had a valid pt, Psychopathology is a veri dark area, an area where one will be led astray unless one had a strong willpower. However, i feel that was wat sparked off my interest. I always believed that if one had strong willpower, they will not turn to psychopath, meaning psychopaths are pple who lost their self-control and deviated from the normal good value systems. However, it was amazing that these pple who lost their self-control cld actually influence pple who are not so strong mentally and manipulate them. I tink i shocked her, becos it appeared i was such a "dark" person.
Honestly, just a few months ago, i really wanted to give up Psych, i was afraid i wld lose self control and became a "bad" person. I tink i was too engrossed into the world of Psych and i always think everyone has a "dark" side of their characteristics and if u did not suppress that "dark" side, it is easy to go the other way. However, i tink i managed to pick myself up from that mess, but of course i m worried. I studied Psych to help pple, not to harm pple. So today, by having a conversation wif Sunflower, she really sparked off tis issue of Good vs Evil. To me, there is a thin line of difference between them, and each of us will view an incident differently, there are so many areas to consider, so it is easy to deviate from one side to another. I tink i have truly aroused her interest in me. But she hit the nail twice wifin that short conversation, she cld tell i m a philosopical person and not many pple cld understand my tots. It was kinda of scary.
Recently i looked back in the frens i have and i realise not even my two best frens cld understand me or my tots. At times, i tend to pose thought poking questions to them which stimulated them, but it was funny tat they nvr tot of these things. More importantly, i tink i tend to share more of my tots abt the world, abt pple to them than the other way. Sometimes i really wonder if i m normal. Tat explained the helplessness feeling i experienced at times tat no one cld understand or share my tots, and tat also explained the loneliness feeling i have at times. Maybe i really tink too much.
Sunflower also posed another interesting question. Why was pple also so interested in the -ve aspects of life if human is innately +ve/good? My ans wld be there was nothing much to study abt the gd things. The "bad" things made studies interesting or challenging. My pt is by finding out how pple deviated to the bad side of things, is easier to curb them rather enforcing the positive things abt them. Prevention is always better than cure.
I dunno if i m normal, but sometimes i tink i m afraid by having these kinds of weird tots. I truly wanted to be "good" person. However, it seemed pple ard me din seem to be experiencing the same things and i worried myself by tinking too much abt pple's nature. Perhaps i was gifted in a particular way which i have not realised it yet. Really hope Sunflower cld ans some of my questions. She looked so amazed at my perception abt things.
Anyway, it's been a tiring day today. Hopefully after meeting up wif her after exams, i cld understand myself better. Truly, i have made somebody interested in knowing me.
Monday, January 16, 2006
Inspiration
What does it take to be an inspiration to others? For me, i m always on lookout for role models to inspire me. Actually, i tink i liked to be inspired and i like to inspire pple too. Unfortunately, nobody so far has come fwd me and tell me, "you know, you have really been an inspiration." Well, i guess is not an easy task to inspire pple. I always tot i cld inspire pple wif my +ve thoughts, my unlimited energy levels and my optimum level of positiveness, but i was sure i got smbody upset today....not tat it bothered me, but it worried me.
My ever whining fren (actually not sure if she really belonged to my category of fren) started whining abt her job and her health. Her health was suffering due to her job. Well, in my perspective ( i dunno if i m judging), i felt that she was always whining, nothing new. Thruout my years of knowing her, she was so used to tat. I remarked tat her mind was sick, to me changing the mind, changed the person. Alas, i tink she got so crossed wif that statement, saying tat i was not doing her job, if i were, i wun be saying the same thing. Wat i truly felt was, no matter wat, you still have a choice. That's the beauty of living in this world. My principle in life is not to restrict my choices, instead explore them. Clearly, this has gotten her rather upset that she cut off her conversation wif me. Not that it really bothered me tat she was mad at me, but somehow maybe i felt i was not empatheic enough...but on recollection, i guess i had been patient enough over the 11 years and it was the time to snap.....Truly, wanting to inspire pple was never easy.
Started an email chain wif Sunflower last week after a fulfilling Psych class. It all started wif her asking me if i intend to further my course. Then, i realise she was actually a student of the course i was doing. Hmm, it was an ans to my prayer, at least for now i noe somebody had done it before and gave such gd feedback abt it. The journey back home that day was a long one, i had so many tots gg thru my mind tat i felt an urge to drop her an email. I wld say it was an explosive urge, it was like i had so many questions waiting to be answered. Well, she did not disappoint me, at least i found some ans to my burning questions. And i tot tat was the first step to knowing my inspiration better. Thru the exchanges only did i realise she was actually a trained teacher and she actually went all out to achieve her dreams, and she really earned my admiration for tat. Compare to her, i felt so insignifcant. She gave up her job as a teacher of > 10 years to pursue her dreams, and i still cld not decide whether to go for it. Though she was not doing as well as she shld if she stick on to her teaching, but she gave me the feeling that she was truly happy. Perhaps happiness in her thoughts, was doing smthg she was passionate abt. From the way she taught the class, and the way she was willing to learn from her students and the ways she answered the queries i posed, her passion really touched me.
When i first started doing Psych, i had great dreams, i was counting down to my 7 years of earning my Psychologist licence and i was so sure i wld get it as long as i desired it. Along the way, i did become disillusioned, met some setbacks and questioning myself. But i tink her passion brought out the best in me, it made me truly enjoyed the last 3000 module which was supposed to be the toughest. I was really grateful to her for making me reconsidering my options. Is tough to see pple sticking to their dreams in technology age, and is even tougher to be an inspiration to others. She had done both at least in my context and i felt she was like an angel God sent telling me "I have sent somebody to show that you can do it" and in her words to me "as long as you desired, success is hugely yours". Till now, i m still at the cross road, perhaps after meeting up wif her after exams, i may have a clearer direction of where to go. Is kinda of sad that classes are ending soon and i have to admit, tis semester was one of the fulfilling sessions i have. Good things are always short, arent they?
I learnt something from Sunflower. Her desire, her will, and her passion are the ingredients to success. Though success cld be measured in many ways, and though the industry is pretty limited, as long as you have the passion to stick to wat you believed, no matter how small the corner is, you will still be able to satisfy yourself and be an inspiration to others. And truly, i have not felt so touched before for a long time.
Hopefully no matter what my decision was, i will be an inspiration to some and hopefully, someday, someone will come up to me and thank me for being an inspiration :)
Thank you lady, once again for touching that immune heart of mine wif ur pure passion.
My ever whining fren (actually not sure if she really belonged to my category of fren) started whining abt her job and her health. Her health was suffering due to her job. Well, in my perspective ( i dunno if i m judging), i felt that she was always whining, nothing new. Thruout my years of knowing her, she was so used to tat. I remarked tat her mind was sick, to me changing the mind, changed the person. Alas, i tink she got so crossed wif that statement, saying tat i was not doing her job, if i were, i wun be saying the same thing. Wat i truly felt was, no matter wat, you still have a choice. That's the beauty of living in this world. My principle in life is not to restrict my choices, instead explore them. Clearly, this has gotten her rather upset that she cut off her conversation wif me. Not that it really bothered me tat she was mad at me, but somehow maybe i felt i was not empatheic enough...but on recollection, i guess i had been patient enough over the 11 years and it was the time to snap.....Truly, wanting to inspire pple was never easy.
Started an email chain wif Sunflower last week after a fulfilling Psych class. It all started wif her asking me if i intend to further my course. Then, i realise she was actually a student of the course i was doing. Hmm, it was an ans to my prayer, at least for now i noe somebody had done it before and gave such gd feedback abt it. The journey back home that day was a long one, i had so many tots gg thru my mind tat i felt an urge to drop her an email. I wld say it was an explosive urge, it was like i had so many questions waiting to be answered. Well, she did not disappoint me, at least i found some ans to my burning questions. And i tot tat was the first step to knowing my inspiration better. Thru the exchanges only did i realise she was actually a trained teacher and she actually went all out to achieve her dreams, and she really earned my admiration for tat. Compare to her, i felt so insignifcant. She gave up her job as a teacher of > 10 years to pursue her dreams, and i still cld not decide whether to go for it. Though she was not doing as well as she shld if she stick on to her teaching, but she gave me the feeling that she was truly happy. Perhaps happiness in her thoughts, was doing smthg she was passionate abt. From the way she taught the class, and the way she was willing to learn from her students and the ways she answered the queries i posed, her passion really touched me.
When i first started doing Psych, i had great dreams, i was counting down to my 7 years of earning my Psychologist licence and i was so sure i wld get it as long as i desired it. Along the way, i did become disillusioned, met some setbacks and questioning myself. But i tink her passion brought out the best in me, it made me truly enjoyed the last 3000 module which was supposed to be the toughest. I was really grateful to her for making me reconsidering my options. Is tough to see pple sticking to their dreams in technology age, and is even tougher to be an inspiration to others. She had done both at least in my context and i felt she was like an angel God sent telling me "I have sent somebody to show that you can do it" and in her words to me "as long as you desired, success is hugely yours". Till now, i m still at the cross road, perhaps after meeting up wif her after exams, i may have a clearer direction of where to go. Is kinda of sad that classes are ending soon and i have to admit, tis semester was one of the fulfilling sessions i have. Good things are always short, arent they?
I learnt something from Sunflower. Her desire, her will, and her passion are the ingredients to success. Though success cld be measured in many ways, and though the industry is pretty limited, as long as you have the passion to stick to wat you believed, no matter how small the corner is, you will still be able to satisfy yourself and be an inspiration to others. And truly, i have not felt so touched before for a long time.
Hopefully no matter what my decision was, i will be an inspiration to some and hopefully, someday, someone will come up to me and thank me for being an inspiration :)
Thank you lady, once again for touching that immune heart of mine wif ur pure passion.
Saturday, January 07, 2006
Emotions
Another week had passed, time really flies. Perhaps there were to many holidays in Jan that i feel time just shot passed without me realising it. Just finished my introduction for my Personality essay. Was feeling good, becos i took shorter than expected time and also i tink personality was one of my strenghts. Giving myself a reward by listening to Rene Liu's 一次幸福的机会. Just indulging in the lyrics and the power of emotions.
Kind of like this song a lot for a few reasons. She was one of my fav singers, not tat she sang exceptionally well, but i guess she was a person wif inner substance, secondly, i cld relate to the songs, the pain of having giving up when u knew there was no outcome. For me, i was at peace wif myself these days where relationships were concerned. Guess i had grown much stronger than i expected to be. In the past, i yearned too much for a heart wrenching relationship, now i realised simplicity is a blessing. You shld not and do not need to feel a lot of pain, upset to be truly involved in a relationship, it cld be as simple as having the person by your side. I guess a lot of pple still haven understood the pt.
Was having a late conversation wif a fren the other day. She was always plauged wif relationship problems and it was kind of amazing how her emotions worked their way thru her. To me, she was a person who required lots and lots of love and attention, however, she was always putting on a false front that she dun need anybody, that she had planned her life alone and nobody shld try and disturb that peace. The bottom of the facade was she was afraid of getting hurt, her heart cld not take the pain. In my humble opinion, it was difficult to be involved in a relationship w/o feeling pain. It wld seem so superfical isnt it tat the other person was so "perfect" that he/she had nvr done anything to hurt you. At least to me. If you got yourself involved, you wld have expectations, and wif expectations, there are bounds to be pain. Like wat Rene Liu said, you have expectations becos you cld contribute, when the day came tat u cld not contribute anymore, u wld not have anymore expectations. Alas, having expectations after all may not be a bad thing, becos it was truly the emotions of "living", of experiencing things, but others seemed to be taking it so badly (myself for one), i guess life is all about finding the balance point. I wanted to find the point where i can give and have expectations, but if the expectations are not met, i wld not be too upset / disappointed over it. It is really tough, but is a process of self-discovery i guess.
Anyway, back to my the fren. she was consoling a fren who had a failed relationship wif the start of new year. i wld say it was a bad start, but cld truly understand the pain for it happened to me too. u began to analyse the whole thing, wat went wrong etc etc, and more often than not, tears wld start to roll. she got too emotional over it i guess to the extent of affecting herself whereas for me, i was overly calm over the whole incident. diff personalities i guess. she was tinking over her own relationship which ended 6 mths ago and which she saw no future. funni thing is, if u see no future, wldnt it be best to give it up and let time heal everything? otherwise, there wld be more pain to bear? perhaps tat is how i persuaded myself to give somebody up. i know wat it all means, it wasnt easy.....everything related to the other person, the times spent together wld become even clearer and then tears wld start rolling again...but i always believe time is a veri powerful element. it will make pple forget a lot of things, or make the sufferings seemed less painful and make gd things seem even more precious. mostly importantly, it has a limit, once the limt is passed, nothing else wld matter anymore.
To me, my time has passed.......no more pain and memories seem so distant......perhaps subconsciously i din wanna rem a lot of things, one gd thing that u can derive fr a failed relationship was that the next one wld be better. so i told my fren, by thinking tat way, maybe shld wld feel better, but she just cant seem to let him go....well, if u wanna be happy for urself and for him, u gotta let him go. if is meant to be urs, it will come back. hmm, i really wish she cld take my advice at times, no pt hanging to memories to live ur life, it wun make u happy. The important thing now is about the "Present", how to live your life fuly every moment and not hanging to lost love, failed relationships and enhancing your pains.
For tis fren of mine, i really hope you will have a gd start tis year. kinda of worry for ur health, worried abt ur mental state. cant really help u if u dun help urself. if u wanna be happy, learn to let go, take everything as part of growing up, learn to lick ur pain. I really wish, one day the person who cld save u fr salvation wld come and nurse u back into a healthy being.......May happiness be wif u always!
Kind of like this song a lot for a few reasons. She was one of my fav singers, not tat she sang exceptionally well, but i guess she was a person wif inner substance, secondly, i cld relate to the songs, the pain of having giving up when u knew there was no outcome. For me, i was at peace wif myself these days where relationships were concerned. Guess i had grown much stronger than i expected to be. In the past, i yearned too much for a heart wrenching relationship, now i realised simplicity is a blessing. You shld not and do not need to feel a lot of pain, upset to be truly involved in a relationship, it cld be as simple as having the person by your side. I guess a lot of pple still haven understood the pt.
Was having a late conversation wif a fren the other day. She was always plauged wif relationship problems and it was kind of amazing how her emotions worked their way thru her. To me, she was a person who required lots and lots of love and attention, however, she was always putting on a false front that she dun need anybody, that she had planned her life alone and nobody shld try and disturb that peace. The bottom of the facade was she was afraid of getting hurt, her heart cld not take the pain. In my humble opinion, it was difficult to be involved in a relationship w/o feeling pain. It wld seem so superfical isnt it tat the other person was so "perfect" that he/she had nvr done anything to hurt you. At least to me. If you got yourself involved, you wld have expectations, and wif expectations, there are bounds to be pain. Like wat Rene Liu said, you have expectations becos you cld contribute, when the day came tat u cld not contribute anymore, u wld not have anymore expectations. Alas, having expectations after all may not be a bad thing, becos it was truly the emotions of "living", of experiencing things, but others seemed to be taking it so badly (myself for one), i guess life is all about finding the balance point. I wanted to find the point where i can give and have expectations, but if the expectations are not met, i wld not be too upset / disappointed over it. It is really tough, but is a process of self-discovery i guess.
Anyway, back to my the fren. she was consoling a fren who had a failed relationship wif the start of new year. i wld say it was a bad start, but cld truly understand the pain for it happened to me too. u began to analyse the whole thing, wat went wrong etc etc, and more often than not, tears wld start to roll. she got too emotional over it i guess to the extent of affecting herself whereas for me, i was overly calm over the whole incident. diff personalities i guess. she was tinking over her own relationship which ended 6 mths ago and which she saw no future. funni thing is, if u see no future, wldnt it be best to give it up and let time heal everything? otherwise, there wld be more pain to bear? perhaps tat is how i persuaded myself to give somebody up. i know wat it all means, it wasnt easy.....everything related to the other person, the times spent together wld become even clearer and then tears wld start rolling again...but i always believe time is a veri powerful element. it will make pple forget a lot of things, or make the sufferings seemed less painful and make gd things seem even more precious. mostly importantly, it has a limit, once the limt is passed, nothing else wld matter anymore.
To me, my time has passed.......no more pain and memories seem so distant......perhaps subconsciously i din wanna rem a lot of things, one gd thing that u can derive fr a failed relationship was that the next one wld be better. so i told my fren, by thinking tat way, maybe shld wld feel better, but she just cant seem to let him go....well, if u wanna be happy for urself and for him, u gotta let him go. if is meant to be urs, it will come back. hmm, i really wish she cld take my advice at times, no pt hanging to memories to live ur life, it wun make u happy. The important thing now is about the "Present", how to live your life fuly every moment and not hanging to lost love, failed relationships and enhancing your pains.
For tis fren of mine, i really hope you will have a gd start tis year. kinda of worry for ur health, worried abt ur mental state. cant really help u if u dun help urself. if u wanna be happy, learn to let go, take everything as part of growing up, learn to lick ur pain. I really wish, one day the person who cld save u fr salvation wld come and nurse u back into a healthy being.......May happiness be wif u always!
Sunday, January 01, 2006
Happy New Year 2006
Yes, finally we are here, in the year of 2006, the year where I will get to rise and shine, climbing to greater heights. I dunno why, but somehow, i feel this is "THE YEAR" for me to accomplish wat i wanted to. I dun tink i m ambitious, just tat hunger for experience, not looking for high increment in job, just high increment in overseas stint, hopefully.
OK, just to blog down wat i have done today and wat thoughts went thru me today to start my New Year so tat i cld rem a year later how i started tis fabulous year.
For a start, it was kind of boring....i had a late nite last nite, coming home at 3am, having 3 rounds of food at diff places wif the same grp of pple and wif the hang over fr the nite before, i pop straight to the bed after showering.....luckily, i still managed to keep my record of waking up 6 hours later becos i was far behind time in my study assignment, having to write a Personality essay.
Actually, somehow for a long time, i was enjoying writing the two essays recently. Perhaps becos i did well for one of the essays last semseter and tat sort of gave me a boost, or it cld be related to the Sunflower who had been so encouraging and inspiring that gave me smthg to look fwd to. The tots went thru me today. I tink i will miss the times locating references, learning thru the process and writing and awaiting the fruit of my labour when i grad in another few mths time. I tink these two years after i taken up psych, it had been esp fulfiling for me. I find my knowledge gaining tremendously and i began to look at things in a diff light. I tink i am gg to miss these fulfilling times tat rite now i m actually enjoying it. It is an irony. I wanted to finish asap then, but now, i do wanna slow the process so that i cld enjoy. Perhaps, i reallly love Psych, otherwise i wun be having tis kind of thots. Tat itself is a consolation to me.
As i was finishing thru my essay online, saw my dear fren online. Hmm, it was a sort of mixed feeling. Had hung out wif her the nite bf.....was not a veri gd feel becos she was feeling down by her job. I dun like pple ard me to be unhappy, if i cld i wld always try to make them happy. but for this lady, i guess it was slightly diff perhaps we were really close. she was the closest beside family, so i wun want to see her unhappy. she was working today as well, i dunno wat to say. sometimes, i feel frens do drain me out....perhaps i give too much, and hence i began to have expectations, and expectations kill a frenship or relationship. so at times, i wld be detached fr the relationship in order to protect myself......becos i noe if my expectations were not met, i wld feel hurt, but at the same time i noe it was not rite to have expectations becos it killed a frenship.....sigh, it was really tough. The only thing i cld do was not to give too much my attention and maybe perhaps tat wld make me feel better......is a form of escapism i feel, but is a feeling i cld not battle over since young.....so one of the things i wanna do tis year is to stop having expectations.....i dun wanna get drained by feelings and emotions anymore :D
Was tinking thru work today........i suddenly rem wat my boss told me over the drinks.....(actually i cant really rem wat he said becos my head was spinning).....i tink he told me to pick up biz knowledge for it will become invaluable...not sure if i was dreaming or it was real....hahaha.....i been figuring out wat was real and wat was my intuition till now...becos i tink we were both drunk....if he meant wat he said when he was drunk, things wld be getting interesting in this year....if not, i still will have things to look forward to in the proj i m doing...well, i better learn not to have expectations lest i get disappointed again....
I tink the morale of the story for the first day of the year 2006, is not to have any expectations regardless in friends, work or anything. I will tell myself that, i will try to take things as they come and do not have any expectations for disappointments are hard to bear.........with that i will work hard, and anything good that came along will be a bonus......I will be happier that way.
OK, just to blog down wat i have done today and wat thoughts went thru me today to start my New Year so tat i cld rem a year later how i started tis fabulous year.
For a start, it was kind of boring....i had a late nite last nite, coming home at 3am, having 3 rounds of food at diff places wif the same grp of pple and wif the hang over fr the nite before, i pop straight to the bed after showering.....luckily, i still managed to keep my record of waking up 6 hours later becos i was far behind time in my study assignment, having to write a Personality essay.
Actually, somehow for a long time, i was enjoying writing the two essays recently. Perhaps becos i did well for one of the essays last semseter and tat sort of gave me a boost, or it cld be related to the Sunflower who had been so encouraging and inspiring that gave me smthg to look fwd to. The tots went thru me today. I tink i will miss the times locating references, learning thru the process and writing and awaiting the fruit of my labour when i grad in another few mths time. I tink these two years after i taken up psych, it had been esp fulfiling for me. I find my knowledge gaining tremendously and i began to look at things in a diff light. I tink i am gg to miss these fulfilling times tat rite now i m actually enjoying it. It is an irony. I wanted to finish asap then, but now, i do wanna slow the process so that i cld enjoy. Perhaps, i reallly love Psych, otherwise i wun be having tis kind of thots. Tat itself is a consolation to me.
As i was finishing thru my essay online, saw my dear fren online. Hmm, it was a sort of mixed feeling. Had hung out wif her the nite bf.....was not a veri gd feel becos she was feeling down by her job. I dun like pple ard me to be unhappy, if i cld i wld always try to make them happy. but for this lady, i guess it was slightly diff perhaps we were really close. she was the closest beside family, so i wun want to see her unhappy. she was working today as well, i dunno wat to say. sometimes, i feel frens do drain me out....perhaps i give too much, and hence i began to have expectations, and expectations kill a frenship or relationship. so at times, i wld be detached fr the relationship in order to protect myself......becos i noe if my expectations were not met, i wld feel hurt, but at the same time i noe it was not rite to have expectations becos it killed a frenship.....sigh, it was really tough. The only thing i cld do was not to give too much my attention and maybe perhaps tat wld make me feel better......is a form of escapism i feel, but is a feeling i cld not battle over since young.....so one of the things i wanna do tis year is to stop having expectations.....i dun wanna get drained by feelings and emotions anymore :D
Was tinking thru work today........i suddenly rem wat my boss told me over the drinks.....(actually i cant really rem wat he said becos my head was spinning).....i tink he told me to pick up biz knowledge for it will become invaluable...not sure if i was dreaming or it was real....hahaha.....i been figuring out wat was real and wat was my intuition till now...becos i tink we were both drunk....if he meant wat he said when he was drunk, things wld be getting interesting in this year....if not, i still will have things to look forward to in the proj i m doing...well, i better learn not to have expectations lest i get disappointed again....
I tink the morale of the story for the first day of the year 2006, is not to have any expectations regardless in friends, work or anything. I will tell myself that, i will try to take things as they come and do not have any expectations for disappointments are hard to bear.........with that i will work hard, and anything good that came along will be a bonus......I will be happier that way.
Saturday, December 31, 2005
Goodbye 2005
Hmm, finally we are at the last day of the year. Well, i wanted to write one whole chunk of the past year happenings in my first website last nite, but alas, i was drunk...yes, drunk. It was the sec time in my life that i got drunk. To confess, i m not a gd drinker and i dun enjoy drinking, reason being for the first time in my life tat i got drunk, i did smthg that blew out of proportion, hence i promised myself i would nvr ever get drunk again. However, this time was diff, it was a biz gathering, hence i cld not say "No". Sometimes, you just cant helped it....but not too bad for me, my drinking capapacity has improved and i still managed to take the MRT home by myself...though my head was spinning badly....
Ok, after a gd swim in the morning, i felt much refreshed.....had a gd breakfast wif mum at the market (which i haven visited for years), and now sitting down, listening to Rene Liu's newest album, i shall begin my day of revisiting the Year 2005........
Year 2005 to me, was a good year. It was 3 months into a new job, a new step that i have taken to step out of the comfort zone and accomplishing things that i longed wanted to in my so called career. Though there was some unknown into the new envr, i tink i love everything in the new job, the pple, the job scope and the envr. Yes, it was much better spending 8 hours a day yahooing and gossiping. I guess i just wanted to become a better person as the years go by and i find that lacking in my old envr, where there was too much time, and wat i could do was oni to gossip. Where work was concerned, i tink i score a High Distinction in 2005. Not that my perf was fantastic, but wat i really felt, i was finally learning, and this job was wat i longed, to LEARN. No more gossips, no more boring projects, and finally someone who really appreciated my efforts and acknowledging it and Yes, finally my boss was smarter than me (not tat i m smart, but all bosses seemed to be blur abt their jobs) and i tink he was truly a motivation and inspiration to me. Once again, i was motivated to tink abt ways of solving problems after work, and once again, i wld commit myself to be doing research abt work, it was a force/energy that i had been searching since my sch days and i cld feel, i m getting it back.
Of course, Year 2005 was not all about work. Where study was concerned, it was a busy year, for i was taking the main bulk of the units in this year....it was tough to do 2 modules per semester part time. But yes, i survived. However, it also dawned on me that maybe after all, i was not so talented in Psych. Perhaps due to time constraint, Psych became gg thru a motion, i just wanted to finish it quickly. I had lost my focus along the way, forgot the initial reason y i took up the course. I forgot that my motive was to learn, to learn abt the science of humans and understand pple better. As i was losing hope, i tink God had sent his angels to me. I met two such angels in my psych course, both of them were lecturers. If you had done part time before, chances were u would get crappy lecturers.....and i was so used to it, that i nvr held high hopes anymore. The first lady had a certain kind of air in her, for my standards, she was rather pretty. She was definitely knowledgable and maybe becos of her intelligence, she was rather sarcastic. However, she was one of the few lecturers who really knew her stuff, but she was not really approachable in the sense she kept a distance fr her students. I wld say it was a smart ways to ward off students who were overly dependent on her. If i had to find a symbol for her, i wld compare her to birds of paradise, elegant, but so distant. The sec lady i tink wld have a bigger impact on me. For one, she was a veri next door lecturer who wld admit, she din noe all the stuff, who wld throw the questions back to the students and who wld learn fr the students. For that, she really earned my admiration and she was the kind that was approachable, and who wld talk abt other stuff beside psych. If i were to rate her, i tink she looked like a sunflower, full of energy and friendly and approachable. These two persons were my inspiration bcos i hope one day i wld become as knowledgable as they are and able to instill inspiration to others. For now, i still cant foresee my future in psych. I m no longer that sure if i really wanted to continue, not that i have lost my interest, but maybe becos i m not sure wat i really wanted to pursue....i told my very best fren, rite now i m leading a fulfiling life becos i was pursuing two things in my life that i have interest in......it was tough that i had to give up one for the other, however i m also sure they cant co exist....someday, i wld have to make a choice.....
The other thing i wld want to talk abt is relationships. Guess i finally got myself out of the ordeal after 3 years of trying....honestly, if u were to ask me now to describe our relationship, i cant give a concrete ans....for one, i was nvr sure if he was ever in love wif me bf...he nvr explicitly told me, but his actions were otherwise. Hence it was always in a state of confusion. I hate to admit, but it was also partly bcos of him tat i left....i cant bear to face him everyday. By leaving i noe time wld heal all wounds and i was right. No longer do i feel so intense for him anymore, he became a fren whom i cld do wifout. Even so, i still wished him all the best as always....becos he was somebody impt......so it was impt that he was happy. I may not be the one, but i really hope he wld find the one and make him a more complete and better person. It was painful to see a talented person wallow in despair, hopefully someday he wld wake up fr his idea, and put his strengths into great use....i promise, wherever i m in any corner of the world, i will be happy for him......
Year 2005 i also did a fair bit of travel...Been to oz, redang and hua hin. It was always great to travel, for every trip i wld get smthg back.....and recharge myself.......Out of the 3, my vote goes to Redang, was really a beautiful place and i had deepened my love for the sea.....beneath the calm surfaces, there was so much movements...and it was a beautiful sight to be swimming wif the marine creatures...though most of the time, i dunno wat they were.....hopefully the next year i get back, it wld still be as beautiful as ever...
Having a good year in 2005, i have higher expectations for 2006. Somehow, i cld feel my body energizing up for next year which is coming in less than 24 hours. For one, i know my career will climb a new heights. I m not an ambitious person, i just wanted the experience of working overseas and how well i can deal wif foreigners who doesnt like Chinese. It is the thirst of experience that is driving me on. Second, i wld have finish my course by mid of next year, by then, i hope i will have a clearer conclusion of wat i wanted to do. Thirdly, hopefully i will be able to find somebody special in the year to go. Well, honestly i leave it to fate.....as long as i m happy, even if i have to walk the journey on my own, i will have the courage to do it. Fourthly, i hope my family and frens will be healthy and happy. Nothing beats the two. Lastly, i hope i will become a better, more knowledgable person......becoming an inspiration to others...
Goodbye 2005, Welcome 2006 !
Ok, after a gd swim in the morning, i felt much refreshed.....had a gd breakfast wif mum at the market (which i haven visited for years), and now sitting down, listening to Rene Liu's newest album, i shall begin my day of revisiting the Year 2005........
Year 2005 to me, was a good year. It was 3 months into a new job, a new step that i have taken to step out of the comfort zone and accomplishing things that i longed wanted to in my so called career. Though there was some unknown into the new envr, i tink i love everything in the new job, the pple, the job scope and the envr. Yes, it was much better spending 8 hours a day yahooing and gossiping. I guess i just wanted to become a better person as the years go by and i find that lacking in my old envr, where there was too much time, and wat i could do was oni to gossip. Where work was concerned, i tink i score a High Distinction in 2005. Not that my perf was fantastic, but wat i really felt, i was finally learning, and this job was wat i longed, to LEARN. No more gossips, no more boring projects, and finally someone who really appreciated my efforts and acknowledging it and Yes, finally my boss was smarter than me (not tat i m smart, but all bosses seemed to be blur abt their jobs) and i tink he was truly a motivation and inspiration to me. Once again, i was motivated to tink abt ways of solving problems after work, and once again, i wld commit myself to be doing research abt work, it was a force/energy that i had been searching since my sch days and i cld feel, i m getting it back.
Of course, Year 2005 was not all about work. Where study was concerned, it was a busy year, for i was taking the main bulk of the units in this year....it was tough to do 2 modules per semester part time. But yes, i survived. However, it also dawned on me that maybe after all, i was not so talented in Psych. Perhaps due to time constraint, Psych became gg thru a motion, i just wanted to finish it quickly. I had lost my focus along the way, forgot the initial reason y i took up the course. I forgot that my motive was to learn, to learn abt the science of humans and understand pple better. As i was losing hope, i tink God had sent his angels to me. I met two such angels in my psych course, both of them were lecturers. If you had done part time before, chances were u would get crappy lecturers.....and i was so used to it, that i nvr held high hopes anymore. The first lady had a certain kind of air in her, for my standards, she was rather pretty. She was definitely knowledgable and maybe becos of her intelligence, she was rather sarcastic. However, she was one of the few lecturers who really knew her stuff, but she was not really approachable in the sense she kept a distance fr her students. I wld say it was a smart ways to ward off students who were overly dependent on her. If i had to find a symbol for her, i wld compare her to birds of paradise, elegant, but so distant. The sec lady i tink wld have a bigger impact on me. For one, she was a veri next door lecturer who wld admit, she din noe all the stuff, who wld throw the questions back to the students and who wld learn fr the students. For that, she really earned my admiration and she was the kind that was approachable, and who wld talk abt other stuff beside psych. If i were to rate her, i tink she looked like a sunflower, full of energy and friendly and approachable. These two persons were my inspiration bcos i hope one day i wld become as knowledgable as they are and able to instill inspiration to others. For now, i still cant foresee my future in psych. I m no longer that sure if i really wanted to continue, not that i have lost my interest, but maybe becos i m not sure wat i really wanted to pursue....i told my very best fren, rite now i m leading a fulfiling life becos i was pursuing two things in my life that i have interest in......it was tough that i had to give up one for the other, however i m also sure they cant co exist....someday, i wld have to make a choice.....
The other thing i wld want to talk abt is relationships. Guess i finally got myself out of the ordeal after 3 years of trying....honestly, if u were to ask me now to describe our relationship, i cant give a concrete ans....for one, i was nvr sure if he was ever in love wif me bf...he nvr explicitly told me, but his actions were otherwise. Hence it was always in a state of confusion. I hate to admit, but it was also partly bcos of him tat i left....i cant bear to face him everyday. By leaving i noe time wld heal all wounds and i was right. No longer do i feel so intense for him anymore, he became a fren whom i cld do wifout. Even so, i still wished him all the best as always....becos he was somebody impt......so it was impt that he was happy. I may not be the one, but i really hope he wld find the one and make him a more complete and better person. It was painful to see a talented person wallow in despair, hopefully someday he wld wake up fr his idea, and put his strengths into great use....i promise, wherever i m in any corner of the world, i will be happy for him......
Year 2005 i also did a fair bit of travel...Been to oz, redang and hua hin. It was always great to travel, for every trip i wld get smthg back.....and recharge myself.......Out of the 3, my vote goes to Redang, was really a beautiful place and i had deepened my love for the sea.....beneath the calm surfaces, there was so much movements...and it was a beautiful sight to be swimming wif the marine creatures...though most of the time, i dunno wat they were.....hopefully the next year i get back, it wld still be as beautiful as ever...
Having a good year in 2005, i have higher expectations for 2006. Somehow, i cld feel my body energizing up for next year which is coming in less than 24 hours. For one, i know my career will climb a new heights. I m not an ambitious person, i just wanted the experience of working overseas and how well i can deal wif foreigners who doesnt like Chinese. It is the thirst of experience that is driving me on. Second, i wld have finish my course by mid of next year, by then, i hope i will have a clearer conclusion of wat i wanted to do. Thirdly, hopefully i will be able to find somebody special in the year to go. Well, honestly i leave it to fate.....as long as i m happy, even if i have to walk the journey on my own, i will have the courage to do it. Fourthly, i hope my family and frens will be healthy and happy. Nothing beats the two. Lastly, i hope i will become a better, more knowledgable person......becoming an inspiration to others...
Goodbye 2005, Welcome 2006 !
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Q-U-O-T-E-S
You can achieve anything you want in life if you have the courage todream it, the intelligence to make a realistic plan, and the will to see that plan through to the end. -- Sidney A. Friedman
The above quote is my favourite, and my motto for life. I still remembered how I came about to put this quote into my signature 2 years ago. However, i tink i have forgotten the significance of it (or rather a convenient excuse , i was too caught up in my life to practise) until a fine lady came along and gave me a smack on my face. Coincidentally, the lady and the quote are related to Psychology.
I still remember about 2 years back, i was veri lost in life. It happened, they call it the quarter-life crisis though i was slightly overaged..keke. I din know what i wanted in life, i only knew i was hunger for new experiences, hunger for knowledge, but my then job (not career) was coming to a standstill. I thought for long and hard and also to create more options for myself, i ventured into the art of Psychology. Honestly, Psych is a dream i wanted to fulfill badly. I always thot i was somehow gifted in the human science, i seemed to be able to read pple's tots based on my intuition and basically, the badly stereotyped Psych then to me, was wat it was all about. Since my job cld not gave me the satisfaction that i wanted, i ventured into my dreams. I remembered i did all the researches i cld find in my place about distance learning, the path to being a psychologist and the ordeals and sacrifices that i needed to make. The truth was : i need 7 years, 4 years of undergrad, 1 year of masters and 2 years of internship to earn my licence to psychologist. A long process i thought, longer than a doctor yet less prestigous than that. However, i was not put off by the efforts required....i rem i even told myself, as long as i desired it, i will be able to get it.....
Coincidentally, after i made the decision into the Psych course, i chanced upon the above quote from Daily Insights and it fitted the picture then. I had the courage to dream, veri few in the place i came from wld want to be a psychologist becos it was an effortless job, and in taking the dream to a more realistic journey, i made plans to realise my dreams, to enrol in a course that wld ultimately earn my psychologist licence. Finally, the hardest of all was to persist in it.....and wif that quote, i always encouraged myself whenever i encountered setbacks in Psych. Honestly, by doing Psych, i gave up a lot of things, the time to meet new pple, to foster new relationships, to make time for family and having to cope wif study and work at the same time. It was tough and i tink i was stretched to the limit...and i did have tots of giving up...of not furthering after i graduated.....seemed to me i was not able to persist....my will was not strong enough......
Two days ago, as i was communicating wif my current tutor in Psychology, she loved my quote and somehow it was like a wake up call. I had to say i found some inspiration in her, she was the sec person in the distance learning course tat was able to instill some inspirations. I had 2 more modules before i finished my undergrad course and somehow i had forgotten the significance of the quote.....i forgotten abt my desire to become a better person thru psych, my passion and everything abt my sacrifices....and all these were attributed to time.....i simply had no time to tink, i was too tied up in last semester where i had to do 5 essays in 3 mths along wif a major proj in my current career....Psych had been like gg thru a motion. Suddenly when the lady reminded me of my quote, it was like a slap in the face, it was like, what had happened along the way?
Honestly, i had to admit i became a better person after doing Psych, i saw a lot of shortcoming in myself. The main bulk of it boils down to : am i really talented? Actually i dunno. I seemed to be able to comprehend things better than the rest, but i was unable to produce a beautiful piece of essay or lab report no matter how hard i tried. Sometimes i really wonder if it boils down to my command of English or is God telling me "Yes, you have tried it and you know you are not up to the mark." Is kind of disheartening at times when i sat down and is such a pain to go thru the process of writing......Another factor was my career was taking off, at tis pt in time, i wld say it was really a tough decision and tough battle wifin myself....
Am really grateful to the lady who gave me a smack......for making me tink it thru again and again and for her patience in answering a silly and basic question which i shld not be asking....for her encouragement and lastly for being an inspiration. Hopefully, one of these days, i wld be an inspiration to somebody regardless be it in my career or in Psychology.....Is a blessing to be an inspiration. Thank you Lady!
The above quote is my favourite, and my motto for life. I still remembered how I came about to put this quote into my signature 2 years ago. However, i tink i have forgotten the significance of it (or rather a convenient excuse , i was too caught up in my life to practise) until a fine lady came along and gave me a smack on my face. Coincidentally, the lady and the quote are related to Psychology.
I still remember about 2 years back, i was veri lost in life. It happened, they call it the quarter-life crisis though i was slightly overaged..keke. I din know what i wanted in life, i only knew i was hunger for new experiences, hunger for knowledge, but my then job (not career) was coming to a standstill. I thought for long and hard and also to create more options for myself, i ventured into the art of Psychology. Honestly, Psych is a dream i wanted to fulfill badly. I always thot i was somehow gifted in the human science, i seemed to be able to read pple's tots based on my intuition and basically, the badly stereotyped Psych then to me, was wat it was all about. Since my job cld not gave me the satisfaction that i wanted, i ventured into my dreams. I remembered i did all the researches i cld find in my place about distance learning, the path to being a psychologist and the ordeals and sacrifices that i needed to make. The truth was : i need 7 years, 4 years of undergrad, 1 year of masters and 2 years of internship to earn my licence to psychologist. A long process i thought, longer than a doctor yet less prestigous than that. However, i was not put off by the efforts required....i rem i even told myself, as long as i desired it, i will be able to get it.....
Coincidentally, after i made the decision into the Psych course, i chanced upon the above quote from Daily Insights and it fitted the picture then. I had the courage to dream, veri few in the place i came from wld want to be a psychologist becos it was an effortless job, and in taking the dream to a more realistic journey, i made plans to realise my dreams, to enrol in a course that wld ultimately earn my psychologist licence. Finally, the hardest of all was to persist in it.....and wif that quote, i always encouraged myself whenever i encountered setbacks in Psych. Honestly, by doing Psych, i gave up a lot of things, the time to meet new pple, to foster new relationships, to make time for family and having to cope wif study and work at the same time. It was tough and i tink i was stretched to the limit...and i did have tots of giving up...of not furthering after i graduated.....seemed to me i was not able to persist....my will was not strong enough......
Two days ago, as i was communicating wif my current tutor in Psychology, she loved my quote and somehow it was like a wake up call. I had to say i found some inspiration in her, she was the sec person in the distance learning course tat was able to instill some inspirations. I had 2 more modules before i finished my undergrad course and somehow i had forgotten the significance of the quote.....i forgotten abt my desire to become a better person thru psych, my passion and everything abt my sacrifices....and all these were attributed to time.....i simply had no time to tink, i was too tied up in last semester where i had to do 5 essays in 3 mths along wif a major proj in my current career....Psych had been like gg thru a motion. Suddenly when the lady reminded me of my quote, it was like a slap in the face, it was like, what had happened along the way?
Honestly, i had to admit i became a better person after doing Psych, i saw a lot of shortcoming in myself. The main bulk of it boils down to : am i really talented? Actually i dunno. I seemed to be able to comprehend things better than the rest, but i was unable to produce a beautiful piece of essay or lab report no matter how hard i tried. Sometimes i really wonder if it boils down to my command of English or is God telling me "Yes, you have tried it and you know you are not up to the mark." Is kind of disheartening at times when i sat down and is such a pain to go thru the process of writing......Another factor was my career was taking off, at tis pt in time, i wld say it was really a tough decision and tough battle wifin myself....
Am really grateful to the lady who gave me a smack......for making me tink it thru again and again and for her patience in answering a silly and basic question which i shld not be asking....for her encouragement and lastly for being an inspiration. Hopefully, one of these days, i wld be an inspiration to somebody regardless be it in my career or in Psychology.....Is a blessing to be an inspiration. Thank you Lady!
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Perhaps Love
Hmm, i have to admit, i wasnt in the best of mood today. Work was piling up and i haven completed my assignment for my second last module. Worse, my work is robbing me of my time to concentrate that my assignments became a burden....really bad timing. Was thinking after the gruelling previous semester, i shld be able to enjoy myself more this semester, but alas, work commitment had taken the toil out of me....but i do enjoy my work though....it finally gave me the satisfaction i was looking for ....for a long long time.
Somehow i decided to watch the movie today. Wun miss Takeshi's move esp this one had such a strong cast.....and somehow when i decided to watch the movie, i wld link it wif him. Yes, i know, he was already a past, but perhaps it had to do wif Takeshi's last movie, "Turn left, Turn right". I still rem the time when i cried so hard after watching the movie, perhaps i can feel wif the movie. He and I were like two parallel lines which cant meet.....and i rem i told him i wld want to wat "Turn left, Turn right" another time. He asked me why, and i told a white lie, saying tat i was a fan of Takeshi. Well, i just wanna see if i cld see other things else by watching it the sec time......anyway, somehow he was in my thoughts today...
I wld say it was a gd movie.......Takeshi cant forget the past, while Zhou Xun wanted to move fwd......perhaps like wat Zhou Xun did, one shld move fwd. And so i tot i did........i din want any contact......but maybe he cant let me go.......Gotcha his sms the other day. I cant help but feel glad. No doubt, i feel no more pain, but is also a fact tat i still had some feelings for him......guess wat i had "invested" had taken a toil out of me tat after 3 years, i cld still feel something....Actually i wonder, will u ever get over somebody? That person had taken something fr u tat u dun feel like the same person anymore...wat he had said and did, u may have adopted and adapted...it was like the many little things in life still contained some of his images.....
Anyway, i really love this movie, i feel everything was so nicely captured and yes the cast gave a splendid performance.......the display of emotions was so great. Perhaps love was supposed to be simple.....a simple love story that Jacky always wanted to make.....and it was also a simple thing tat everyone yearned....at least for me. When i was young, i wanted a heart wenching relationship so tat i wld cherish my loved ones.....I supposed i got my wish and i finally realise perhaps love wld be better if it is simple......It is a blessing to be simple...and i wld always rem that...:)
Time to go to bed ne......!
Somehow i decided to watch the movie today. Wun miss Takeshi's move esp this one had such a strong cast.....and somehow when i decided to watch the movie, i wld link it wif him. Yes, i know, he was already a past, but perhaps it had to do wif Takeshi's last movie, "Turn left, Turn right". I still rem the time when i cried so hard after watching the movie, perhaps i can feel wif the movie. He and I were like two parallel lines which cant meet.....and i rem i told him i wld want to wat "Turn left, Turn right" another time. He asked me why, and i told a white lie, saying tat i was a fan of Takeshi. Well, i just wanna see if i cld see other things else by watching it the sec time......anyway, somehow he was in my thoughts today...
I wld say it was a gd movie.......Takeshi cant forget the past, while Zhou Xun wanted to move fwd......perhaps like wat Zhou Xun did, one shld move fwd. And so i tot i did........i din want any contact......but maybe he cant let me go.......Gotcha his sms the other day. I cant help but feel glad. No doubt, i feel no more pain, but is also a fact tat i still had some feelings for him......guess wat i had "invested" had taken a toil out of me tat after 3 years, i cld still feel something....Actually i wonder, will u ever get over somebody? That person had taken something fr u tat u dun feel like the same person anymore...wat he had said and did, u may have adopted and adapted...it was like the many little things in life still contained some of his images.....
Anyway, i really love this movie, i feel everything was so nicely captured and yes the cast gave a splendid performance.......the display of emotions was so great. Perhaps love was supposed to be simple.....a simple love story that Jacky always wanted to make.....and it was also a simple thing tat everyone yearned....at least for me. When i was young, i wanted a heart wenching relationship so tat i wld cherish my loved ones.....I supposed i got my wish and i finally realise perhaps love wld be better if it is simple......It is a blessing to be simple...and i wld always rem that...:)
Time to go to bed ne......!
Saturday, November 26, 2005
R-E-S-T
Well, just got back from the company's D&D. Cant say i really enjoy myself, more like going thru the motion. Perhaps i looked outgoing, but beyond that outgoing look, i prefer to settle in front of my pc, penning down my thoughts and let my thoughts run wild, like wat i m doing now. My perfect R-E-S-T is to be able spend the weekend at home, be it a couch potato surfing the boring few limited channels i have, be it playing the different kinds of mindless games in front of the pc all day or strolling down the dirty smelly canal near my home.....R-E-S-T to me is to be able to do wat i cant do for a long time, just being alone and letting my thoughts run wild. Unfortunately, i dun have the luxury. In the place where i lived, things moved very fast......and weekends unfortunately are always packed wif activities, be it entertainment, spending time wif family, or catching the unfinished work or studies.
Enough of the whining....may as well write smthg since i cant sleep after drowning myself down wif a few cups of coke just now....for those who just noe me, i m super sensitive to caffeine......a cup of coke is enough to keep me awake for a long time, so i may as well pen down my thoughts.
Just read a very good article by King Kang (a renowed writer back in my place) that sparked off some thoughts. He wrote abt revisitng a place tat he once visited wif his loved one and wish that person was there then. Well, i tot of my Japan trip to Hokkaido last year. I supposed it was the best trip so far....and yes, it stirred up my thoughts. I was tinking, if i did ever visit that place again, wifout the person who did the trip wif me then, i may write smthg like that. We went thru a lot of stuff, like getting stranded in Lake Toya, missing out the fabulous fireworks, caught in the rain in Noboribetsu, experiencing the musical box tingerling in Otaru and yes, receiving that particular email fr the fren who travelled wif me and who had the same thoughts warmed my heart....perhaps if i travelled back to Hokkaido alone again, i may write a "wish you were here" article. Of course, i also remembered about the trip i made to KL. i mentioned it a few times when i was in Hua Hin, reason was the two places had so much in common. In Hua Hin, we climbed to the top of the temple to pray, in KL we climbed the 272 flight of stairs to pray....and to the same God, Buddha. The only diff was the travel partner was diff......but it still brought back lots of good memories.....
Was renewing my frenship wif a sec sch fren recently. Actually cant rem how i noe her, din really talk to her in sec sch then......but i was just using my R-E-S-T period to do things i cant do for a long long time....like i said, i was always known to be outgoing. Surprisingly she saw the serious part of me that day, talking and planning for my future. Cant imagine i cld be that serious. I supposed tat was the prb wif me.........i dun like pple to get too close to me, to noe me too well. I guess a distance, no matter how tiny was always good. But anyway it was good to chat wif her. It is always good to talk to more pple to see how they feel abt things, how they see you. In short, is always good to hear abt more opinions.....
I rem there was tis saying in a Japanese show that, a short rest is meant for longer road ahead. I supposed after all the rest periods i required, i would have to get on to complete things that i was supposed to. Before i cld get to my rest periods, i supposed i still had much work to complete.....till then. Gan ba te !
Enough of the whining....may as well write smthg since i cant sleep after drowning myself down wif a few cups of coke just now....for those who just noe me, i m super sensitive to caffeine......a cup of coke is enough to keep me awake for a long time, so i may as well pen down my thoughts.
Just read a very good article by King Kang (a renowed writer back in my place) that sparked off some thoughts. He wrote abt revisitng a place tat he once visited wif his loved one and wish that person was there then. Well, i tot of my Japan trip to Hokkaido last year. I supposed it was the best trip so far....and yes, it stirred up my thoughts. I was tinking, if i did ever visit that place again, wifout the person who did the trip wif me then, i may write smthg like that. We went thru a lot of stuff, like getting stranded in Lake Toya, missing out the fabulous fireworks, caught in the rain in Noboribetsu, experiencing the musical box tingerling in Otaru and yes, receiving that particular email fr the fren who travelled wif me and who had the same thoughts warmed my heart....perhaps if i travelled back to Hokkaido alone again, i may write a "wish you were here" article. Of course, i also remembered about the trip i made to KL. i mentioned it a few times when i was in Hua Hin, reason was the two places had so much in common. In Hua Hin, we climbed to the top of the temple to pray, in KL we climbed the 272 flight of stairs to pray....and to the same God, Buddha. The only diff was the travel partner was diff......but it still brought back lots of good memories.....
Was renewing my frenship wif a sec sch fren recently. Actually cant rem how i noe her, din really talk to her in sec sch then......but i was just using my R-E-S-T period to do things i cant do for a long long time....like i said, i was always known to be outgoing. Surprisingly she saw the serious part of me that day, talking and planning for my future. Cant imagine i cld be that serious. I supposed tat was the prb wif me.........i dun like pple to get too close to me, to noe me too well. I guess a distance, no matter how tiny was always good. But anyway it was good to chat wif her. It is always good to talk to more pple to see how they feel abt things, how they see you. In short, is always good to hear abt more opinions.....
I rem there was tis saying in a Japanese show that, a short rest is meant for longer road ahead. I supposed after all the rest periods i required, i would have to get on to complete things that i was supposed to. Before i cld get to my rest periods, i supposed i still had much work to complete.....till then. Gan ba te !
Friday, November 18, 2005
First blog, first thoughts
Well, finally i officially started my own first blog. There is always a first time to everything and yes, first time is always a good experience, a time to be treasured. Well, to be honest, this is not really my first blog, but i decided to start a new one becos the old one back in friendster robbed me of my privacy, frens on the list wld email, msn and sms me whenever there is an update to my life......well, i guess i m a private person who doesnt want to be disturbed unnecessarily....let alone share my thoughts wif pple who proclaimed to be my "frens". I just needed somewhere to vent out my emotions, to let go of things, and yes, an emergency exit.
Since this is the official first tiny little blog where i can write freely and hopefully, wifout pple disturbing me abt the latest stuff in my life, i decided to write a long long one......First impression always last i guess.
Just came back from Hua Hin after having a short break......well mentally i m still tired, but a new semester of sch had began and it wasnt easy to cope wif work and studies. Finally realise doing part time is no joke, it takes a lot of mental and physical strength to do it. Imagine having to forgo the parties every weekend to immerse in what i call D-R-E-A-M-S. Is tough, but is a challenge. Ok enough on the grumbling....just wanna talk about a bit on Hua Hin.
Well, the aim to Hua Hin was achieved, to rot there and to tink nothing of work and studies, just immerse myself in the world of paradise and yes i met an interesting man there. A man whom i do not know his name.....yet he was a man whom i chatted like an old fren. Let's call him Dr D. I only knew he was a uterologist from Dutch. In case imagination went wild, he went to Hua Hin wif his wife......i went wif my best fren and so it was a pure admiration. We met at a snorkelling trip at Bang Saphan. Well, i supposed his knowledge about the world really made him a nice talking partner. He could talk about anything under the sun, i wonder if that was the gift for ang mohs. He was sharing his experience as a doctor in Kenya and Africa and suddenly i feel so insignificant, so sheltered. Is like there were so many things tat i haven really experienced in life. Perhaps that was God's gift to me tat day in Hua Hin, enlightening me of the numerous things i hadnt experienced and i shldnt give up my chances of experiencing them. I suppose you only live once and you were only young once, and when opportunity approached, give it a shot. Of course opportunites come wif a trade-off. Is tough to find a man well-learned in my place....or perhaps we lived in a materialistic world where knowledge no longer mattered. However, on that particular day in Hua Hin, i saw all the shortcomings in myself.....and i told myself, i will continue to work hard and learn hard about things around me, about things in the world and yes be a better person.
Is almost coming to an end of the year and i tink i found my new resolution not only for next year, but for the many many years to come, to become a better person, to learn more and to become knowlegable......and hopefully i am able to fulfill tat promise to myself.
Dr D, whoever you are, thanks for letting me to know you. It was a truly enjoyable experience chatting wif u. Wherever you are, may you always be a blessing to pple around you.....
Since this is the official first tiny little blog where i can write freely and hopefully, wifout pple disturbing me abt the latest stuff in my life, i decided to write a long long one......First impression always last i guess.
Just came back from Hua Hin after having a short break......well mentally i m still tired, but a new semester of sch had began and it wasnt easy to cope wif work and studies. Finally realise doing part time is no joke, it takes a lot of mental and physical strength to do it. Imagine having to forgo the parties every weekend to immerse in what i call D-R-E-A-M-S. Is tough, but is a challenge. Ok enough on the grumbling....just wanna talk about a bit on Hua Hin.
Well, the aim to Hua Hin was achieved, to rot there and to tink nothing of work and studies, just immerse myself in the world of paradise and yes i met an interesting man there. A man whom i do not know his name.....yet he was a man whom i chatted like an old fren. Let's call him Dr D. I only knew he was a uterologist from Dutch. In case imagination went wild, he went to Hua Hin wif his wife......i went wif my best fren and so it was a pure admiration. We met at a snorkelling trip at Bang Saphan. Well, i supposed his knowledge about the world really made him a nice talking partner. He could talk about anything under the sun, i wonder if that was the gift for ang mohs. He was sharing his experience as a doctor in Kenya and Africa and suddenly i feel so insignificant, so sheltered. Is like there were so many things tat i haven really experienced in life. Perhaps that was God's gift to me tat day in Hua Hin, enlightening me of the numerous things i hadnt experienced and i shldnt give up my chances of experiencing them. I suppose you only live once and you were only young once, and when opportunity approached, give it a shot. Of course opportunites come wif a trade-off. Is tough to find a man well-learned in my place....or perhaps we lived in a materialistic world where knowledge no longer mattered. However, on that particular day in Hua Hin, i saw all the shortcomings in myself.....and i told myself, i will continue to work hard and learn hard about things around me, about things in the world and yes be a better person.
Is almost coming to an end of the year and i tink i found my new resolution not only for next year, but for the many many years to come, to become a better person, to learn more and to become knowlegable......and hopefully i am able to fulfill tat promise to myself.
Dr D, whoever you are, thanks for letting me to know you. It was a truly enjoyable experience chatting wif u. Wherever you are, may you always be a blessing to pple around you.....
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