槟城

我曾经说过，槟城和吉隆坡是两个禁地。
在有选择的情况下，我是不会踏上她们的土地。
可是，在四年后，我还是去了槟城。

这一次去槟城，还是一样住在Batu Ferringhi。
经过我们当年住的那间旅店，正在装修中。
原来它和我们一样，经不起时间的变迁。
踏上了那柔软的沙滩，
想起了我们当年那么放肆地在沙滩上睡着了。
醒来后，你提着我的衣服，相机，
然后沿着沙滩一步一步地走。

去到Burmanese and Thai temple，
我也记起了昔日的情景。
还有，我们到Gurney Drive 的大吃特吃。
你依旧那么地有风度，照料我的一切。

我不仅记起槟城的一切一切，
也想起了吉隆坡的种种。
我才了解，原来短短的四年，
我们到过许多地方，拥有许多的回忆。
有开心的，有不开心的。
不过，经过时间的冲淡，
我记起时，竟然笑了。

我曾经为这段我不晓得是不是感情的感情，
付出了真心，诚意。
曾经哭过，曾经歇斯底里。
如今，我竟然笑了，
是我释怀了还是我又输给了时间？

决定的价值

（刚从槟城回来，心情灰暗）

开开心心地去槟城度假，
心情却乱糟糟地会来。
我才了解，我还是非常介意我的决定。

我说过，我不想让任何人为我的决定负责。
因为，那是我自己的决定。
可是，当让我放弃梦想的原因都否定了我的决定，
我的决定是否还有它存在的价值？

当旁人提起我的决定时，
心还是不时不时地痛。
虽然澳洲不适合我，
可是走出去一直是我的梦。

如今，梦碎了，心也碎了。
我的决定到底有它存在的意义吗？

Happiness is.......

Just came back from a Buddhist seminar from Dr Thubten Jinpa. It was an enlightening seminar where the focus was happiness. I have decided to pen down some of the thoughts that were going through my mind.

First and foremost, everyone wanted to be happy. However according to the speaker, pursuation of happiness is a paradox. The more you seek it, the more it evaded from you. Frankly, that had never crossed my mind until today. But it did have some sense of truth in it. Some things when you tried too hard, it would not happen. It would be better to let nature takes its course. What we could do was to "create the conditions" to be happy.

There was a section on tips being happy. My friends was commenting that I had such good memories that I did not write down anything yet I could remember. I guess when something was very close to your heart, you would take an effort to remember. I find the tips to being happy rather insightful.

Rule 1: Adopt a positive outlook / attitude on your past.
Indeed, whatever that had happened served as a lesson. There was no need to hang on to it. Having said that, I did realise there were certain aspects of the past that I hang on quite tightly to. It was not that I did not want to let go, but it just sort of made me lose my faith having gone through the pain. After today's session, I hoped I would be able to come to terms with it better and learn to let go and have faith.

Rule 2: Avoid upward comparison if possible.
This had always been my philosophy in life though it was hard at times. Whatever tasks I undertook, I just made sure I tried my best. It was my principle. I had never attempted to compare with people who were better than me. Neither do I compare my achievements with people who were above me. Comparison hurt. I learnt through the hard way. However at times it was difficult because you may not try to compare with others, but you could be other people's targets.

Rule 3: Do not fully focus on goals.
This was indeed something new to me. For me, I pride myself as being a disciplined person. If I set my mind to achieve a goal, it was highly unlikely that I would fail. However after today's session, I began to have second thoughts. Perhaps sometimes when I was too focussed on the goals, I began to give myself unnecessary stress. I knew the theory that the journey was always more valuable than the goals. Maybe I ought to relook at my style of doing things, to be able to enjoy more out of it.

Rule 4: Nurture relationships that were significant in your life.
I think everyone knew this fact. It was so easy yet so hard. Family has always been my priority. Yet I am guilty of it. Most of the times, I am there physically but not mentally. I guess I just took them for granted at times. It was so silly. Family was the only one I would tell the truth without any qualms, they were the only I would show most of my true self, yet they were the one I sacrificed most of the times. It was time to prioritise really.

Rule 5: Seek a life that transcend one's existence.
This was a little too profound for me to comprehend at the moment. The theory was those who volunteered was always happier. Immediately I could think of one person who would object to this school of thought. For me, I wanted to give back to society within my means yet I could not find the time to commit. So to me, it became a grey area. I had the thought, yet I could not put it into action. Maybe deep down, I was always worried about commitment, worried about not having my private time. Come next year, I really hoped I could at least spare some time for community work. It was the least I could do and it was a resolution I set for myself next year. Not sure if I could derive happiness from there, but it had been something I wanted to do. Let nature takes its course. :)

Rule 6: Turn adversity into opportunities.
This was not too difficult as long as the element of confidence was present. For me, as long as I had my confidence level, I believed I could handle any situations. However, there were times when my confidence deserted me, and it was a difficult situation. I needed to work very hard to get my confidence level back in order not to drop to depression level. I had a chat with a friend recently on this issue. She told me throughout the years she knew me, she had never saw me flared up at people or things even though she knew I had a fiery temper. (I had to confess my way of venting frustrations was to complain about it and forget all about it :p) I guessed no matter how bad things went, I still retained that little bit of sanity to handle the situation. She was different. I had seen the fiery side of her when things went wrong. I guess when things were close to her heart, she would snap no matter how composed she usually was. But I believed a sense of control would create the ultimate condition towards the path of happiness.

In the new year to come, I would not strive to be happy. Rather, I would strive to create the conditions to being happy, being at peace with thyself.

My cosy little corner

Finally, I got my sofa bed delivered yesterday afternoon. It was a small wish that came true :) . Ever since I started working from home, I tried to make my home office as cosy as possible. However, it was not really possible because my study room was full of 'junk'. Let me count, I have 4 cupboards in the room, 1 sewing machine and 1 bookshelf. I guess that is what happened when you have been living in one place for too long, and everything has its value in the bank of memory, no matter how worthless it looked on the appearance.

I had to shift my furniture around, using my 'mathematical' and 'logic' sense of mind to fit this newly accquired furniture into the right place. It is really not an easy feat.

No matter how messy my study room looked, I still feel at ease there is some small corner that I can retreat into whenever I am tired physically and mentally. I called it my own solitude. Behind the sofa bed are all my 'masterpieces' that I have taken, places that i have visited, people who are dear to me and of course, pictures that expressed myself. It is a way of retreating into my inner world.

Yesterday, I had a first hand experience in finding my solitude. I turned on the classical music, and lying on the new sofa bed, I was reading Dalai Lama's "The Art of Happiness" and reflecting on myself. I was really at peace with myself. Perhaps in the many days to come, this small corner will be the best corner that I will treasure, finding new insights to my life and learning to become a better person.

幸与不幸之间

最近忽然发现周围的人都很不开心。
都市人，烦恼还真多，
不过很多时候，都是庸人自扰。

周围的人，最近都为情所困。
唉，不是为钱，就是为情。

和朋友聚会时，
才发现其中一位朋友的婚姻正面临考验。
还记得她结婚时，众人都献上了祝福。
五年后，要面对的却是另一个问题。

其实我一直对婚姻抱着不乐观的态度。
两个没有血缘的人要走完一生，
真的很不容易。
也许，我是一段不愉快婚姻的结晶，
所以一直走不出阴影。
婚姻对我来说， 不过是一张纸。
离婚也不过如此。

那天和L去徒步。
和L并不熟络，只是刚好约好。
原来，L也刚结束了11 年的婚姻，
又丢了工作。
我想，L此刻的心情应该陷入谷底。
L说，现在生活很糟糕，可是会积极面对。
还有更多人比自己不幸。
这句话说得很好。
做人应该积极面对现实。

忽然间，我觉得自己很幸福。
L说得对，如果满意自己的生活，
没有必要为了找个伴而找。
对于自己的单身生活，我还乐在其中。
偶尔，我会羡慕有个伴的人。
偶尔，我也想找个人。
可是，我始终没有信心。

好友说得对，姻缘是天注定。
如果是我的，它自然会属于我。
她说，既然不能强求，
我们还是享受我们俩的单身生活。
至少目前为止，我们还能相伴吧。

我就这样，处在幸福与不幸之间。
觉得自己已经成长了许多，
也比以前开心了许多。
读书的时候，老爱钻牛角尖。
现在偶尔还会，可是已经学习放开了。
原来要做到可遇不可求，还真不简单。

现在的我，只想平淡地过我的生活。
不想有太多的风浪，让我举棋不定。
原来在平淡中，也可以找到属于自己的天空。

祝福L和我那位朋友，
愿你们也能找到自己的蓝天。

A meaningful saturday

I decided to do something different last saturday. Instead of the usual trekking, surfing of web, I decide to bake cookies. Actually I must say I am quite a good baker :) . Not that I am boasting, but at least the cookies were still edible though for a few "mishaps" here and there.

Last saturday, I decided to give almond cookies a try. To be honest, that was my first try. I went to the Internet to search for the simplest form of ingredients. And I was amazed by my own creativity. When I could not find a particular ingredient, I subsituted it with something I thought that would taste equally good. My, maybe I am really talented in this area for all I know. Hahah. Enough of the crap.

The reason I set on almond cookies was because a close friend of mine love them. Yes, just as she knew I loved cheese cakes and baked them for me, I decided to bake for her on her coming birthday. I guess that would be something different for this year's celebration. I think as one ages, friends become more and more important. The irony thing is, as I grew older, I suddenly realised I have many close friends, more than I can account for.

The end product was better than expected. My folks mentioned it was too hard, but the taste was good. I guess there is always room for improvement on everything. I will set to perfect it in time for my friend's birthday, for christmas and maybe for VDay :p Maybe that will set start to my next goal in life, to open a small guesthouse, with a snack shop, selling all different types of cookies.

无边无际

很喜欢这张在白茫垭口拍的照片。
看到照片时，我的第一感觉：
宇宙如此的大，人如此地渺小。
记得徒步雨崩时， 有一则寻人启事。
老爹说，到了雨崩，就发现生命如此脆弱。
转眼间，就消失了。

其实换个角度来看，
宇宙如此之大，无边无际，
我们真的不应该给自己设太多的局限。

原来在日常生活中，
我的心并没有想象中的大。
面对感情，事业，亲情，友情，
我都给自己太多的局限。
回过头，才发现越来越渺小。

Happiness is a state of mind。
在追求目标的当儿，
我忽略了心灵上的空虚。
原来，我所追求的并不是我所追求的。

Talking to new friends

I have to admit, I am not in the best of moods ever since I came back from Yunnan. I have been feeling down to the point I would rate myself as a mild depression. I hated the kind of motion I was going through. I felt useless and I could not give meaning to the things that I was about to undertake. All in all, I felt I was going down down down. And the fact that I was working from home made it worse because I could not meet new people, open up new perspectives. In short, I could not find people to talk to when I needed it most.

I started making new acquaintances via msn. Yes, I am a party animal. I need to talk to feel alive. By new acquaintances, I do not really mean new friends. They refer to people whom I have contact with, but I have not really sat down and talked to them seriously. Is amazng how God's creation is really. When He closed a door, He opened a window. I had a 'slight' argument with one of my gems over the problem I was facing and I realised it was difficult to relate to her how I was feeling. Somehow, when a person knows you too well, there is a lot of preassumptions and it is difficult to break it down.

The first person that came was really unexpected. It was E, one my kakis to Yunnan. Honestly, I do not know her very well. All my kakis know I had some problem with my body ever since I came back. In short, my whole body felt weak and they thought it was phyiscal. So it all started one day with E asking me if I felt better. So it turned out, the conversation turned from the physical problem to mental problem. It turned out she perfectly understood what I was going through. Maybe she did not have the preassumptions about the problem and the party involved and she was able to see the problem in a different light. I was really grateful to her. It turned out that she too was a deep thinker. However, she chose to be happy whenever she could. In the end, the chat lasted about 2-3 hours and that sort of brought us closer together.

Sometimes friendship is really a funny thing. Out of nowhere, somebody came and offered consolation and in the end, I find myself another friend. We did mention, someday we should travel together again for both of us really had so much fun with each other. Honestly, without her, the trip would not be as enjoyable as it was.

The second person that came was JY. Frankly, I was only close to JY after we left where we came from. He went on to pursue his dreams in USA and he was someone I really admired. He reminded me of my younger days. I used to have the aspirations of working in Silicon Valley, USA once I graduated. But that was just a dream and this guy really went all the way out to fulfill his childhood dreams. It was again via msn that we got closer. It was funny. Maybe during msn, I could relate myself better.

He was going through a bad patch in life when he msn me. I felt sorry for him for he was all alone in USA. He just chatted with me not too long ago, about all the wonderful pictures he painted. I guess it was just not meant to be. Somehow, all the msn sessions brought us closer together. It became quite a normal routine for us to be chatting on our daily lives and events. It ranged from perspectives on relationships to the problems/struggles we faced. Somehow we clicked. And indeed, he was one of the rare male friends that I could chat freely with. Perhaps, he was such a nice guy and always so positive and more importantly, he was far away, so there was no expectations. Despite his heartbreak, he would check on me to make sure I was feeling good. I was truly appreciative of his good intentions.

For the next two days, he would be going through something hopeful. Really, I hope he would make it this time round. At least, amidst all the bad things he was going through, there was still something good that came out of it. Perhaps, that could be the window that God has left open for him. Like what I said to him, I will be praying for him.

Sometimes when I looked back, I guess we really have to keep an eye on the people around us. You never know who you know until you try. Things in life are so unpredictable. We may get too engrossed in our past relationships / friendships that we neglect those who are ready to lend a helping hand/ ear when the occasion arises.

寻找信心

我已经迷迷糊糊地过了一个星期。
已经有一段日子， 抗拒醒来。
一醒来，我就全身无力。
然后，我告诉自己是云南的后遗症。

其实，我比谁都清楚，那是怎么一回事。
潜意识里我一直回不到现在。
我一直活在云南的日子里。
我想，我抗拒苏醒。

友人说我患上了工作恐惧症。
说我拒绝回到工作岗位上，
去做我应该做的事。

在我很努力的分析下，
我觉得我失去了生活的重心。
我，失去了信心。
我，失去了去相信的信心。
所以，我选择堕落。

信心，一件对我很重要的东西。
我永远都是那么有自信，
可是最近的我怎么了？

新的挑战，让我很彷徨。
原来要和朋友工作，是一件很难的事。
我常常要顾忌对方对我的期望，
和对自己的要求。
于是，我想如果有一天反目成仇，
陪上了一段友谊， 值得吗？

我害怕，也不敢想。
毕竟这个朋友是我一直很感激的人。
如果没有遇见这个人，
今天的我也无法走那么远。

因为有了心理的负担，
所以一直没有信心把工作做好。
友人误以为是朋友给我太多的压力。
而我多番的解释都没用，
所以心理很不舒服。

不晓得是不是因为心情低落，
人也变得脆弱。
一直很害怕眼前的一切会消失，
想捉也捉不住。
已经很久很久没有这种感觉了。

我想到我身边的人。
很怕他们都离我而去，
也怕目前的情感会改变。
于是，我想到了死亡。
那是一个很可怕的思绪。

如果这个世界上只剩我一人，
我该怎么办？
我无法承受这样的打击。

曾经和友人说过，
如果有一天我昏迷不醒，
我的家人一定不可以放弃我，
因为我有信心我一定会苏醒过来。

可是换个角度来看，
如果身边最亲的人都不在了，
生命不就没意义了吗？
那时，我还会苏醒吗？

这些可怕的想法，这几天都在脑里打转。
是因为我失去我的重心，我的信心吗?
我的斗志，到底跑到哪里了？

到现在为止，我还是没往回头看。
可是，我真的无法解释我现在的心情。
或许，我晓得许多事都在随着时间改变，
而我却无能为力。
感觉很差劲。

重生

去了神瀑回来，感觉自己重生了。
也许淋了圣水的那一刹那，
把自己都彻底地“洗”干净了。
我不是个迷信的人，
但我想借此改变一下自己。
或许，就这样可以更接近自己想成为的人。

十月一日，对我来说很特别。
我觉得那是我重生的日子。
做了一个会影响一生的决定，
我觉得是时候释怀了。
不想再提过去，不想再想会是怎么样。
不想再说是为了谁。
我想是时候为自己的决定负责。
这样，对谁都公平。

一份新的挑战，心情难免有点七上八下。
已经很久没有感受这样的压力。
有压力是好的，那才有推动力。
是有种又期待，又害怕的心理。
很矛盾的心情。

想借这个重生的机会，
改变一下自己的作风。
没耐性的个性，要改。
先入为主的个性，要改。
太爱说活，要改。

不晓得在不久的将来，
能否看到一个有耐性，主观，然后又聆听多过说活的自己？
如果有，我想我已经成为我想要成为的人了。

感谢有这次重生的机会。

从云南回来以后

从云南回来以后，就个一个字形容自己，累。

累，不是普通的累。

我从来没有试过，用三天的时间去睡觉。

然后，第二天醒来之后，还是全身无力，不想起床。

我想，潜意识里我也不想回到现实。

所以体力和精神都停留在云南高原里。

其实，一段长途旅行，我最讨厌的就是现在的心情。

那种与几个志同道合的朋友胡闹过后，

得收拾起心情，调整心情，回到现实。

我，是个适应能力很差的人。

所以每次长途跋涉回来后，都会有一点点的失落。

去Europe 是这样，去丝路是这样，

去日本是这样，去越南是这样，

云南也逃不过心情的挑逗。

然后，我就得拼命让自己回到现实。

云南，那让人向往的十七天。

我的记忆里，除了Europe，丝路，日本，和越南，还多了云南。

很喜欢老爹开着车，往下一个目的地前进时，

后面的同伴都睡着了，旁边的同伴不断的摄影，

而我就让思绪飞呀飞，写着我的心情。

很喜欢，我们每天为了每天的吃喝而烦。

很喜欢，我们每到一个地方，为了卫生间而愁。

我总是最后一个进去，然后就会问同伴们，“怎么样，臭吗？” （哈哈）

很喜欢，我们每天为了明天的行程而担忧。

那种随心所欲的旅程，太棒了。

没有时间的限制，想呆多久就呆多久。

还记得我们去了半天的苍山，

老爹见了我们不禁讽刺地问“苍山很美是吗？”

我们都傻笑了，因为苍山都被雾盖过了，什么都看不见。

只是我们不好意思说，我们在山上出了点意外。

还有玉龙雪山，为了能再一次看到冰川，

我们四个人，淋着雨在上面等雾散。

老爹还以为海拔太高，太冷了，我们晕倒了。

很喜欢，去雨崩徒步的感觉。

那种自我挑战的境界。

虽然徒步很辛苦，可是倔强的我们怎么样都不肯骑驴子。

最后，我们成功了。

去雨崩，神瀑，冰川，我们都是靠自己的双腿和毅力。

我为这班人感到骄傲。

真的， 有太多太多美好的回忆了。

现在想起来，还会引人发笑。

四个人的旅程，的确比两个人来的好玩。

不知道是否有机会再一次旅行，

不过这一次旅程的种种，将会成为我宝贵记忆的一部份。

谢谢你们，你们是最棒的。

我的配角，我的导演， 我的观众。

少了你们，我这个主角也演不下去。

这一次的离别不伤感

终于又到了离别的时候。
说真的，这一次的离别是我伤感最少的一次。
是我成长，看开了，还是我累了？

比起三年前，离开SP那依依不舍的心情，
我只能说现在的心情格外地平静。
也许在这个地方，我并没有付出真正的感情，
所以没有SP那种抽心的疼，
伤感也减到最低。

在这里，到目前为止，我可以说我到达我事业的巅峰。
我一直盼望事业上有的突破，都在这里一一地实现了。
或许，这里少了许多情感上的诱惑，
所以我才能那么地专注于我的工作。
也因为这样，才发现原来自己是适合IT 的。
以前一直觉得自己不适合，甚至想转行，
都是因为一直遇不到欣赏自己的人。
所以我一直很珍惜那个给我机会的人。

这里的同事，我想我会想念，
但不回太刻意吧。
毕竟，我们拥有的不多。
虽然说，我们有欢笑，有悲伤，
但始终少了些什么。
也许，因为大家都有了家事，
所以胡闹的日子也非常有限。
很感激认识他们，
他们教会了我什么叫尽责，
也让我学会了什么叫知足常乐。
不知道，我们是否有缘在做同事？

虽然是离别，但心情其实轻松多过伤感。
在这里，不能完成在香港的工作是我的遗憾，
但我也成长，也看开了。
于是我了解，只要尽力了，就应该无怨无悔。
轻松， 因为再不关我的事了。

我喜欢这样的离别方式。
轻轻松松地，淡淡地，
没有太多的伤感，没有太多的眷恋。
也许这样，我不会那么惦记着过去，
比较容易move on 吧。

我一直认为不要拿过去做比较，
一定要活得比现在更好。
这样，我才会进步。

爱情观

三十岁的我，终于认真地思考找个伴的可能性。
是寂寞吗？还是不想孤独一生？
我不晓得。

只晓得，快乐的时候，
想和另一个人分享。
只晓得，伤心的时候，
希望有个肩膀可以靠。
只晓得，无助的时候，
希望有人能给我希望，永远不遗弃我。

和友人聊起我的爱情观时，
她问我想找什么样的人。
我说，我想找个聪明但脚踏实地的人。
这样的人存在吗？
友人信心满满地和我说，
有，只是我还没遇到。

年少的时候，向往的爱情都是刻骨铭心的。
想在有生之年，轰轰烈烈地爱一回，
那就不枉此生。
爱过后，受伤后，
才发现其实爱情是可以很简单的。

三十岁的我，领悟到其实爱情是可以淡淡的，但清新的。
不需要太多的海誓山盟， 太多的甜言蜜语。
取而代之的，是一颗真诚的心，一句细心的问候。
更多的时候，只是简单的生活对白。
那就是成熟的我，所向往的简单爱情。
爱情其实不需要太惊心动魄。
爱情其实可以纯纯地，像一杯醇酒。
经过长时间的酿制，纯纯的也可以变得很香，很浓。

我想经过长时间的酿制的东西，才会长久吧。
我何时才能找到我那简单但很香很浓的爱情呢？

香港的遗憾

（于Conrad的最后一晚）

终于还是走到了这里，
已经到了这份工作的最后一次公干。
其实，这已经是连我自己也数不清的第几次工干。
我想，我已经麻木了。

用手指算一算，
其实在香港还留下许多的遗憾吧。
人生因为有遗憾，才圆满吧。

我始终没办法完成在香港的工作。
这对我的事业来说，是莫大的遗憾。
我已经尽了全力，
或许全力还不够吧。
说真的，心情真的有点低落。
我就是那么追求完美的一个人吧。

追求完美，所以有失望。
因为还能够付出，所以就还有要求吧。
我想我必须学习控制一下自己的情绪。

来了那么多次香港，
才发现，原来很多想去的地方都没去。
好像说好要去尖沙嘴的laser show，
说好要去饮茶等等，
我始终都没做到。

或许生在其中的时候，
什么都是taken for granted 吧，
直到是最后一次体验的时候，
才发现时间过得太快，
没有好好地去做该做的事。

我的人生又要迈向另一个旅程碑，
希望我真的不要有太多的遗憾。
希望我懂得珍惜眼前的人与物。
更希望我会成为更好的一个人。

康复中

最近都在忙忙碌碌中过日子。
小宝的手术终于过去了，
心里也放下了一块大石。

说真的，小宝好像我自己的儿子。
也许因为他两个星期大的时候就得动手术，
所以对他格外地怜惜吧。

他动手术的前后，我都一直陪着他。
他不断地问，为什么是他？ 为什么上天选择了他？
我只能摇着头对他说，那是上天给你的考验。
看你到底是不是个坚强的孩子。

他的心情，我彻底地了解。
还记得我不幸发生意外时，
我也不断地问，为什么是我。
后来我才晓得，那是因为上天知道我够坚强，
一定过得了他给我的考验，成为一个更好的人。

也许因为有同样的遭遇，
所以我可以更了解他的心情。
其实对他来说，
这个手术只是他生活的一个开始。
他晓得，十年后，他又得面临另一个考验。
或许，那时的他已经麻木了吧。

无论如何，我希望他可以用平常心来看待。
希望他不要丧失他的乐观，他的幽默。
更希望，他会因此而更懂事，更坚强。
我相信，他会是个不平凡的人。

加油，小宝！

Marcus

等了八年，家人和我害怕的一天，终于要降临了。
说真的，这几天的心情很糟。
一直在为下个星期五做准备。

八年了，上一次Marcus 动手术的时候，是八年前。
那时候的他，不过是个刚出世两个星期的宝宝。
这个孩子，一出世似乎就和医院脱离不了关系。
由于心跳比较慢，所以在两个星期大时，
便注定了他一辈子要靠heartpacer 过活。
身为我家的第一个孙子，
这对我们来说无疑是一个承重的打击。

手术过后，去看他时，全身差满了系管。
我的心，哭了。
看了他的系管沾满了他的血，
心好疼好疼。
于是，我每天都坚持到医院去陪他。
看到他渐渐地康复，心情才恢复平静。

这八年来，我们一直祈祷他会不药而愈。
一直祈求这个小宝，不需要再饱受另一次手术的痛苦。
在我的眼里，他一直是那么出色。
一直都那么地善良，善解人意。
为什么他要饱受这么多煎熬？
太不公平了。

刚才和他聊起手术时，
他问我，要是手术过后他醒不来，怎么办？
看他的彷徨，他的忧虑，我感到很无助。
如果可以，我真的希望可以代替他。

八岁的他，已经懂事了。
他已经晓得什么是害怕。
我只能不断地安慰他。
他和我说，他不想去想。
不去想，就不会害怕。
八岁的他，已经成熟了。

现在我能做的，
就是希望他早日康复。
因为他还有很长的路要走，
还有许多梦要去实现。
这只是他人生的一个小小煎熬，
他一定能克服。

希望他一切都会没事。
这是我现在唯一希望的。

这一夜的我，为了他而哭了。

Tiger Roll

Hmm, went for a 'matchmaking' session a few days ago. It was not exactly a 'matchmaking' but rather a farewell session. It had been 3 years in the current company and it dawned on me that actually I seldom lunched with my colleagues. Now that I have signalled my intention to leave, a few actually came up to me and would like to have a meal with me. I guessed when it was always the last few times, we would cherish the times more together, wasnt it?

Anyway, K initiated a lunch session with me. She was my bubbly secretary who always tried her best to help me process my airtickets and accommodation. Throughout my business trips, we had built a rapport. Our conversations went from normal trips arrangement to personal small talks. Upon realising that I was still single and available, she wanted to promote another colleague of mine, TR, to me. I did not mind knowing one more friend before I left, so in the end, a weird combination of 3 of us went for lunch. I had insisted that it was a lunch and not farewell for I did not know TR well.

The lunch session went well. TR was chatty and so was K. TR was the typical guy next door. The kind that would make a good husband. Generous and caring, and willing to learn. Do not be mistaken, I am still neutral to him. In the end, TR insisted paying for the meal, so K took the chance to promote him further. Out of token of my appreciation, I decided to get him some pastries. K told me he loved tiger roll. My God, I never knew what tiger roll was until two days ago. It was a typical chocolate swiss roll wrapped up in yellow skin which made it looked like tiger skin and was on sale at Bengawan Solo. Anyway, I did not manage to get the tiger roll to TR but I ended up with egg tarts instead. I guessed it was just Fate. And then it was the 'secret operation'. I asked K to pass to him, otherwise I would make the headlines to the intranet the very next day. It seemed like an 'underground' mission again.

The whole episode actually came to an end here. But it did sparked off some thoughts over at my side. I just felt uneasy now even talking to K because the whole conversation would always surround TR and me. And my the other colleagues were not making it easy for me either. But where did the uneasiness come from? I could not explain.

For one, I am definitely sure I am not interested in TR at this moment, at least not now. But then again, in my opinion, he is definitely the kind who can bring happiness to his partner. He is well-tamed, holy (he went to India's monastry to mediate) and considerate. Faced with such a perfect guy, I do not know where I stand. By right, I should be taking the initiative to 'go after' him. But no, I was not moved at all. I guessed something was just not right. Perhaps I have lost the courage to take the initiative after the last painful experience. Perhaps TR was perfect, but perhaps too perfect for me. I did not know.

It set me wondering. What am I looking for? How do I explain the confusion that I am going through now? I always thought I was ready to accept somebody now. However, faced with such a guy, I hesitated. Was it because of TR, him or was it something else? Maybe I am still not ready. I wondered who could really move me these days? Have I given up on relationship? Perhaps, TR was too perfect for me. He had everything a woman would look for except that he was too honest. I seemed so silly. I appreciated honesty but somehow if TR was the kind of man I was waiting for, hmmm, a feeling of sadness dwelled over me. I guessed I was looking for more than the usual qualities. I did not know. I landed myself in a confusion stage again. Ha.

Anyway, I wished TR all the best. I hoped one day he would find his perfect girl and I am sure he would be able to do his best to give the girl happiness. If only I could learn to appreciate his beauty. Sighz!

南丫岛之恋II之完结篇

我在南丫岛最喜欢的一个角落。

再一度游玩南丫岛，她依旧那么美丽。
这一次的游玩，总算是给自己一个交代。

终于，有了一个决定。

心情，依然是那么地平静。

我再一次回到我熟悉的角落，
任由我的思绪飞呀飞呀。
想着我刚做的决定。
这样的决定好吗？

友人曾经说过，
很少人能确定自己的决定。
重要的是，要对自己的决定感到舒服。
那么决定不会错。

想着想着，无论我的决定是什么，
我想我都能释怀。
只不过对于我的选择，有那么一点点的遗憾。

遗憾，因为我放弃了我的梦。
遗憾，因为我始终走不出去。
遗憾，因为我没鼓气勇气去追随我的意愿。
遗憾，就象这一次我始终没在南丫岛走完我为自己设下的目标。

但，人生真的不完美。
有遗憾是好的，至少让我懂得珍惜。
至少，我以后将拥有的一切，
是我用我的遗憾换回来的，
所以我会特别地珍惜接下来的风风雨雨。

从第一次到南丫岛对自己的决定举棋不定，
到第二次到南丫岛对抉择的释怀，
我想终于有了个结果。

是开心，因为我有能力面对自己，面对一切。
是快乐，因为我开始为自己的决定点算一切。
是激昂，因为我又要为自己的前途而奋斗。

从云南度假回来后，
我会再一次踏上我人生的另一个巅峰。
希望我能把我的遗憾遗忘，
为自己的人生继续加油。

希望我永远不会为了我的遗憾而后悔。
希望再一次回到南丫岛时，我不再是孤独一人。
希望明天会更好。

Money = Motivation???

Recently, my company has been hit by a spate of resignations. Apart from myself who had indicated my decision to leave one year ago to puruse my dreams, the rest of the resignations were tied to political reason with existing colleagues joining a competitor. The company in its bid to stop people from leaving, tried to force the key staff to sign a contract that will lock them in for at least one year.

Of course, a contract come with a price. It comes with a huge increment in exchange for 15 months of freedom to move around. That set me thinking. Not to get me wrong, I am not jealous. I am sure if i were to revert my decision to stay put, I will also be offered the same terms. Money is definitely something everyone is working towards to. But the most important thing is, can money buy motivation and more importantly loyalty?

I have been enticed before by the attractive terms when my previous boss left. I enjoyed my job then and in order to motivate me, I was given a huge increment. At that moment, I was thinking it did not matter as I enjoyed my job and the project and I was not feeling much heat as yet when my boss left. After half a year, the same issue came back and they used the same method to tempt people.

I always have held the principle that I do not work for money. It sounded very noble. But if you ponder over it, if the only motivation for your work is money, one day money will become a demotivator. So I always make it a point to enjoy my job, my boss and my environment. If one of the factors is missing, then is time to say goodbye. And so the saying goes, most of the people leave their bosses rather than their job.

Is a pity really to be leaving at this moment when things are starting to get exciting. But like I say, one of the factors is missing and sad to say money cannot motivate me anymore. I would rather start somewhere afresh and learn to become a better person. The longer I stayed on, the worse a person I will become because I have lost my motivation. I should not be staying to demotivate others.

If money cannot motivate me, it definitely cannot buy my loyalty. I think I am proud of this principle that I uphold all the times. It is sad to see that we become slaves to money. I have seen a few examples in the company. They were given huge increment to stop them from leaving, from joining competitor. However after staying on, they were just surfing internet everyday to pass day. I bet these people would not be leaving, at the same time they have stopped progressing. They leave their knowledge, their experience and most importantly their aspirations behind. I think it is really ridiculous. The people in my company are getting increment every 3 months just because of some political reason. It seemed the wage system is collasping. And because of that, I think money has become a demotivating factor for me. What an irony!

I just hope whatever my final decision is, I will still uphold that principle not to be enticed by money whereever I go. I promised myself whereever I go, I will become a better person, more systematic, less emotional and more assertive. In short, to progress to the next stage of my life.

Cheers to my next chapter of life. :)

成长的决定

活了三十年，才晓得这一次，真的很难做决定。
我，已经摆脱了以往的潇洒，再也不在我行我素。
我想，我成长了。
可以从做决定的过程，看到自己的成熟。
我，应该开心。

原来岁月真的不饶人。
原来在岁月的蹉跎下，小妹妹也会变成小女人。
原来以往在意的一切，在认真地考虑下，也变得不重要了。
原来还有那么多的原来。
原来我真的长大了。

梦想与现实，往往都不能如愿以偿。
我晓得，无论我选择什么，
心还是会有一点点的疼。
脑子也不时会浮现许多的如果。
我晓得，那就是成长的代价。
我考虑的不再只是自己，更多时候是身边的人的感受。
我知道我选择了让我身边的人，少一点伤心，多一点开心。
我想我唯一能做的就只有这样。

面对我的决定，我会后悔吗？
我这样问我自己。
后悔，我想不会，不过会有一点遗憾吧。
遗憾，因为我始终没有走出去，去体验生活。
可是，如果我走出去，可能我会后悔。
后悔，因为我没有付出时间去陪我认为生命里最重要的人。

考虑了一年，有了这样的决定，
自己也不晓得用什么来形容自己的心情。
是责任，遗憾的交叠。
不是开心，也不是伤心。
我想，我还需要时间来调解心情吧。

成长的决定，原来会令心情那么复杂。