安全感

今天，心情不是很漂亮。
又再为公事而懊恼。
于是，我决定，应该是放轻松的时候了。

那天，去观赏了《生日快乐》，由一股被感动的感觉。
我想，我哭了。
为了男女主角的爱情，我哭了。
我想，当谈到情感时，我还是容易被感动的。

看到小米，我觉得看到自己。
忽然间，我才恍然大悟。
原来，自己对爱情，一直都没有安全感。
我不知道，我是否可以和一个人常想厮守。
所以，我一直徘徊着。
在情人节来临之际，我还不能明确地说出我是否想settle down。
很悲哀。

小南送小米手机的那一幕， 依然很清晰。
小米拒绝小南，因为她不想当她想他时，却找不到他。
我想，我也是这样的一个人。
我一直不喜欢拨电话给人，因为我不喜欢那种想找人聊天，却是空等待。
久而久之，就养成和自己说话的习惯。
小米要和小南做，比情人还要好的朋友。
我，能了解。
小米不希望有一天会和小南分开， 不希望为他伤心落泪。
做好朋友，因为没有要求，所以就不会吵架，就不会分开。
这，也是我。
小米，不希望自己的世界里，多了一份爱情，也多了一份忧伤。

看了这部电影之后，有点心碎。
小米，因为自己的安全感，而错过了真正爱她的人。
我，不晓得有没有因为我的安全感，而错过真正爱我的人？
还是因为我的安全感，而举起不定呢？

希望，我能对爱情有多一点点的信心。
希望，在新的一年里，能找到愿意守护我的人。
如果有，我一定不让我的安全感作祟。

Pineapple Tarts

Chinese new year is coming. From the part of the world that I come from, everyone is in festive mood. It is the most celebrated festival in my country. Shops will be closed and most people will be visiting their relatives.

Honestly, i do not really like Chinese New Year because it is so boring. Shops are closed, no food available except fast food restaurant. That is the only time in my country that you will have problem finding something decent to eat, except fast food. And for New Year's visiting, it seemed like a routine to me. But i think this year, i felt different because it will be my last Chinese New Year before i depart for Australia to achieve my dreams. Somehow, i tend to take it in different stride, i wanted to remember every part of the last Chinese New Year I have here before i leave.

Look at the pineapple tarts in the picture, don't they looked professinal like what was sold in the markets? This year, I made them myself. I went over to an ex-colleague's house to learn the skills from her. Yesterday, i spend the whole day making them and thank God it turned out well. But, i had a few arguments with Mum during the process. I think I am still me, still so hot headed. Even so, Mother tend to forgive their children easily. I was feeling guilty though for shouting. When i m on my bad day, everything will tend to come out. So i must try to restrain myself.

Come to think of it, I think i will miss my country a lot when i leave, especially Chinese New Year when we have reunion dinner, and we would play mahjong till dawn the next day wif my siblings. Next year this time, I suppose i will be alone in a foreign land, missing them badly. But i know, that will only make me stronger, and one day I will be back again.

安慰

那天，和你连线了。
是开心，也很安慰。
我对你，已经不再思念了。
我知道，我已经把你当成一个朋友来看待。
也许，回来一个月了，
渐渐地，我也回到现实。

给你看了我的网上的照片，
很安慰你还记得我们的一起合拍的那唯一照片。
你说，你很失望，没看到那张照片。
我始终不想，把它放上网。
总觉得，那是我一个很美的回忆，
所以想私人收藏。

你和我要了那张相片，
说已经做成wallpaper。
我觉得很搞笑。
无论如何，和感谢你停流过。

也许，人越老越会珍惜身边的人与物。
但愿我们能再一次相见吧。

Demoralised....

The colour explains my mood today, demoralised. I started on a high note, but i was badly demoralised today, wounded. Today marks the 3rd week of my PT. I was counting previously, i lost 2kgs in 2 weeks. With the rate i was going, i tot i should reach my first short term goal within this week. Alas, i was wrong. This week, my week remained stagnant, I did not lose any kg at all. What had happened?

I am not sure what i have done wrong. Could it be because my body got use to the exercise routine? Could it be because my menses are coming and i have water retention that contribute to the wt? Could it be i was eating too much outside food that i exceed my carbo intake daily? Could it be i had built up muscles and muscles weigh more than fats which explained the stagnant in weight? I had too much questions on my mind...it all boils down to why? Why was there no weight loss? Nothing could explain my disappointment.

I am not sure if it is a jinx. Usually, after i lost the 2nd kg, i will hit a plateau and i would start putting on weight. I certainly hope this is not happening. Whenever i announced to my fren that i had lost 2kg, i would start gaining all of them back. Is that happening now? I got really paranoid. My aim is to be 62kg or 60kg by chinese new year. However, the results this week really demoralised me. I feel so lousy.

I think i must review what i did last week. Not sure if it was due to too many unhealthy food i had. Whatever it was, i took salad with no carbo, so that should not be the case. Maybe this week, i would try to vary my exercise routine. By carrying more weights, challenging myself to the limits. I had been too lenient on myself, letting myself go if i cannot lift the weights. This week, i promised myself, no outside food, i will increase my intensity of weight training and i will start on progressive run and more variety of crunches.

I remember i still have 2 goals to fulfill. To achieve a sub 50 kg weight and to be a normal person. I cannot give up now, i must perserve....focus focus focus. Hopefully things will turn out to be better next week. Hopefully, i can make up for this week, by losing 2kgs in the next week. I will try to get down to some activity if time permits tmr.

Please do not disappoint me, i m not taking any shortcuts and i m working hard, please let me see the results i desire.......meanwhile i will continue to work hard. I will do anything to lose to the weight that i desire.....

Perservance......

Work is starting to pile up.....no good. In lousy mood today. Cant solve the layout of one report and had to rush back to work after kickboxing...nevertheless, now is my rest time, leave the work behind me.

In another 20 min, i have 24 days to my deadline. I am reminding myself everyday, i need to perk up, beef up. I hope i can lose another 2kgs in another 24 days. Doesnt seem like a hard feat i guess, but i am just taking it slowly. Everyday, i will minus one day from my msn, in that way, i will constantly remind myself how far i m from my deadline.

Deadline makes pp work harder i guess. In 2 weeks, i dropped 2kgs, so what is 2kgs in another 24 days. After the 24 days, i have to shed another 8kgs in another 8 weeks. Honestly, that is my aim and i m trying hard to stay focus. I had a lot of temptations at work, thanks to a nice bunch of colleagues. Choclates from Beligium, cakes, ang gu kueh, everyday they will come up wif different deliciaces to tempt me. Of course, i wun give in. I am well-known for my determination. Perhaps i should have set bigger goals, i shld aim to drop another 3kgs in another 24 days. I should not been too kind to myself. I shld learn from Jason, to try and challenge the machine. This friday, i am gg to slowly build up my progressive sprinting and making the neurons connect to my limbs.

I think i will perserve this time round. Time is running out for me, so i have no excuses to lag back on my timeschedule. Actually, i feel i am very fit now. Think i have never been fitter than now. And i can feel my agility is improving and so is my strength. For once, i really kept a close watch on my diet. I did not have rice for the 3rd week in the row. I remember in the past, i always gave myself excuses, but now no more. I am going to follow strictly, low carb, moderate protein, moderate fat. If i want to succeed, i have o perserve.

Here is a typical schedule: Monday - light run for 20 min. Tue - gym workout, Wed - kickboxing, Thu - Rest, Fri- gym workout, Sat- rest, Sun- Swimming cum running. With that kind of workout and diet, i think i should be able to lose weight.....more than anything. Right now, my mind is pretty focus on food and workout. I want to make my case a success story. I promise myself, if i do lose to the weight i wanted, i will write down my story how i made it, how to lose weight and most importantly, how to stay healthy.

Most importantly for now is to stay focus, and perserve and achieve my targets set....i still have 24 days to go.

Meeting Up

Well, life has been good to me so far in 2007. No longer am I spending my time during the weekend on work. I guess my resolution has started working, i am not going to work unnecessarily. Really, life has more meaning than only just work. Just met up wif a few old frens last thursday. Hmm, it was a good meeting i must say. One of the frens is someone whom i have not spoken to / seen for over 10 odd years, after we left secondary school.

So the 4 of us were trying to catch back the old times. I had a feeling it was like a church session, everyone sharing their stories on how life has been to them over the years. One thing is for sure, age is catching up with us, but like i told the rest, we are just about to embark the best part of life, so we should learn to embrace it. To me, 0-10 years is growing up, 10-20 is pursuing your studies, 20-30 is finding out what you want in life. 30-40 is to enjoy your fruit of labour and 40 onwards you should learn to take things easy.

There were some shocking relevations during the gathering though. My buddy fren in secondary school finally admitted she is a lesbian. I thought that was really brave of her. All along I have suspected her to be one of them, but I never have the guts to ask her. I feel happy for her to come clean with it, it means at least she is accepting herself for who she is. That i thought, is a new chapter in life. For another fren, it was a up and down time over the last few years. She had a failed relationship, parents ended up in divorce, her work is not getting recognition and her sister is diagnosed with schizio. However, a miracle happened to her. She was knocked down by a car and she was totally unhurt. To her, that is God's calling to her and she became devoted to God, working part time and serving him at the same time. Honestly, I guess I cannot really understand because I have heard many such cases, but have yet to witness it myself. Perhaps it is really the Lord's doing, but I did feel she was a bit of an extremist and I have to admit I did feel sorta of uncomfortable, but well we all have our own beliefs.

The third fren of that day came a long way wif me. We been in the same ECA and we sorta of support each other in ECA. She is a teacher now and really, looking at her gives me some sort of hope. She is one of the few persons whom i know that really got a passion for teaching and for that I admire her. Like me, she had a simple life, learning to be happy each day. The funniest thing i could remember from her that day was her encounter wif SDU's speed dating. She told us, there were abt 20 guys and 20 girls sitting on one side of the table each. Each has 3 min to intro themselves. And every 3 min, they would switch places. And at the end of it, she would have to submit a piece of paper on which guy she would love to meet. She told us she submitted a blank piece of paper because she was so tired after the whole thing. I find it very hilarious.

I guess over the years, we definitely have met some setbacks in life and we have wallowed and mellowed. For myself, i have a fair share of life experiences. An unrecipocrated relationship, a mudane job, the period of time living in black box, I do not think i have it easy over the years too. Though so, I do believe that having a strong state of mind, i will be able to pull through a lot of things. Yes, I have been unhappy over a lot of things, but I guess i can choose to learn from it and learn to be happy. Happiness is actually a state of mind, isnt it?

Looking back, I think I have grown wiser by all the different encounters in life. It was great meeting up with the folks, to look at how pple cope wif their differences in life and coming to terms with who they really are. Like i say, now is the best part of our life, coming to terms wif all the decisions we have really made. For that, I am grateful to God for He has made me appreciate myself more and I will strive to learn more as the day goes by.

夕阳无限好，只是近黄昏

夕阳无限好，只是近黄昏。从河内回来后，我忽然间有这样的感觉。也许在Halong Bay 看到的夕阳，给了我许多的启示，或许回来两个星期后，心情逐渐恢复平静。时间，永远都不会对我撒谎，永远是我最真实地提醒。

刚回来时，还每天都和你聊着。虽然我早已经知道，我们很快就会断线。最令我醒悟的是那一天，我和你说我不喜欢洋人， 而是亚洲人， 尤其像你这样有头脑的人。你不信，说因为你穷，生活水准低，我不会看上你。

我想，我就是那么的另类。我欣赏的人，通常都是有头脑的，生活富不富裕反而是其次。也许因为自己穷过，所以没把金钱看得那么重。很可惜，我们的相遇地点在河内，如果是在本地，或许我们会有下文。因为你的那一番话，让我不再抱任何的希望，毕竟我们是活在不同世界的人。

夕阳无限好，只是近黄昏，我觉得这样形容我们的关系很贴切。表面看起来，感觉很悲观，其实我是抱着乐观的态度看待这一次的缘分。虽然我们见面的日子很短，可是却很棒。我在河内看到人因为有希望而奋斗，也发现原来我欣赏的男人，一定要比我聪明，虽然不一定要比我有成就。在短短的相遇中，我悟了这个道理，所以我觉得是乐观的。

最近，日子又回到以往的步伐，已经没那么挂念你了。心里恢复以往的平静。虽然只是短短的一份情愿，可是我想我会永远记得你。可能，你就是我掌纹上，那条虽短，但还是make a difference 的那个人。

很高兴认识你！

First Decision for Year 2007

Yes, it is now year 2007. I am approaching an exciting part of my life, i feel. In order to start the year on a high note, I have made the first decision of the year. It is something that I wanted to do for a long time, but I am not sure if I have the guts to stick to it. This year, in Jan, I have finally make up my mind. I feel it is my last chance as age is catching up with me.

I have finally signed up a personal training course. I promised myself, before I hit the age of 30 (where the metalbolism starts slowing down), I will get rid of the extra fats I have. Actually, I know I have to do it. My health is not in a good state again. 3 years ago, I had managed to lose 15kgs and I was becoming "normal". Alas, after a change of job, I had put on weight due to excessive drinking and eating and I was not normal again. This year, I told myself, by hook by crook I will have to rid myself of the fats and aim for the kind of body I have always wanted.

Health to me is the most important asset in the world. Without it, I cannot do anything. I have a condition of hormones inbalance. The doctor whom I have seen for the last 13 years, could only give me contraceptives to induce my period. Besides that, she can only tell me my condition is caused by excessive overweight. I buy the story, but I never see the need to lose the extra fats until recently it dawned on me that I can strike ovarian cancer. Finally, the last few years, I became very health conscious. I tried everything that could make me normal. Though losing some of the extra pounds help, it was not enough. I have to lose more. I started losing faith in my doctor, she is not helping at all. I turned to Chinese medicine. To others, it may not be a big deal, but to me it is. I cannot take chinse medicine. Since young, whenever I smelled it, I would puke. I could still remember how Mum chased after me with a cane if I puked, but there was nothing I could stop myself from throwing out. This time, I told myself if I wanted to get well, I would endure anything. Yes, anything to make myself normal.

I think I started the year on the right track. After my recent stint in Hanoi and Luang Prabang, I had lost about 4kgs. With my current training program, I was aiming to go below 60kgs for the first time in my life. I hope I could achieve my aim. I am determined to make myself healthier. And yes, I will do anything to get rid of the fats, though through legitimate means. For the next two weeks, I am aiming to hit 62kgs. After which, 60kgs. I have 12 weeks and I certainly hope after riding the extra fats, I will be a normal healthy woman.

Life is short, we must learn to treasure the body given to us. Time waits for no one. It is sad that it took me so long to come to terms to being healthy. However, I am at the same time glad. It is better late than never. Hopefully, before my 30th birthday this year, I can see a miracle. That i have managed to lose those stubborn fats. If i do, I vow I will never ever get them back.

We shall see. I am glad I have made the important decision this year. :)

回来了

我回来了。休息了十八天，终于回来了。
此刻的心情，很复杂。
脑海里，依旧留着度假的美景。
我，真的不想回到现实。

脑海里，遗留着河内的种种。
想念在Halong Bay的日子。
在船上，那么的无忧无虑。
和Nam聊个东南西北。
我，好想念。

脑海里，遗留着Sapa的情景。
那一个不小心，就会滚下山的情景。
每走一步，我都很小心。
结果，还是不小心，摔了一跤。
于是，我发现人的极限是无止尽的。
毅力才是最后的胜利。
很享受trekking 后的成果。
我，爱上了trekking。

脑海里，遗留着今年的平安夜。
想起那满天的星星。
那一刻，我想起了家人，朋友还有你。
流星划过，我立刻许了一个愿。
但愿，梦想回成真。

脑海里，依旧全是你。
回来了，我们依旧连线。
对话时，我们依旧有数不尽的想念。
我们，来真的吗？

我想，我有点动心了。
见面后，开始动心了。
也许，你的性格吸引了我。
纵然，我晓得我们没有下文。

我希望，我们依旧是朋友。
我希望，我们能成为知己。
我希望，我对你没有期望。
我希望，我能把你当朋友。

End of year....Start of year

Well, after a long break, I am finally ready to make my first post of the year. Of course, to whoever is reading this, Happy New Year. From the part of the world where I come from, it seemed 2007 is a good year, with good increment and good bonus. Before I dwell on what I expect for the year to come, I think is important to count my blessings in 2006. Indeed, after the 18 days stint in Hanoi and Luang Prabang, I have learnt to count my blessings by the day which made me a happier person.

2006, I think I started the year on a high note. My ex-boss kept his promise that I achieved a high distinction where my career was concerned. He made me a project leader, put me in charge of a major project and gave me his unconditional support. It was sad that things did not turn out to be what we expected. He left without seeing his brainchild being born, while I continued the struggles under the new management. 2006 was a crazy year where work was concerned. I could be in 3 different places in one week. Singapore - Shanghai - Sydney. Sometimes, when I woke up, I could not remember where I was. Though it was a challenge physically and mentally, I took it in good stride. Like what my ex-boss said, this project brought out the best in me. I endured, struggled, confronted, worked my guts out. The end product was a more versatile me, who was ready to rise to occasion. Though our paths had now deviated, he would be somebody I always had great respect for. Someone who could really tame a wild horse like me, the first person whom I had no complaints for slogging my guts out. Thankful would be the word i used to describe knowing him. Someday (i hope in the not too distant future), I hope our paths would cross again.......

2006, another challenge was i finished my grad dip in Psych. To me, that was an achievement. It meant a stop to all those writing/reading of essays, references and finally some time for me to rest. No doubt i learnt a lot thru the course, but i had qualms about continuing. I knew i would not practise, not that i was not up to it, just that it was not my calling, maybe just not yet. Thru Psych, i knew more abt myself, but i was not ready to help pp thru it. It was meant for myself that i took up the course, to understand the often confused and complicated inner self. And becos of a rash decision i made years ago while studying, i was faced with the decision of leaving my beloved family and country for a dream in a foreign land. Though i have decided to leave, i will BE BACK. I just realise time was too short, and i had not done a lot of things in my own land. I told myself, i would be there just to experience life, once i m tired, i would set my path back, back to the place where i was born, where my family and friends were, back to the place where i called HOME.........

2006 was another travelling year. Besides the numerous business trips, i went to Redang, HongKong, Taiwan, Vietnam and Laos. I think i had almost covered majority of Asia. Budget was one of my concerns......I did not want to spend too much on travelling. So i opted for all the cheap places. And Vietnam and Laos met my expectations, 18 days, 1.5k. Actually, right now I really miss Hanoi a lot. I am not sure why. Perhaps its pp, its scenary, its food and its traffic are very distinctive. Perhaps, it was really a trip that i called REST. I have time to think over things, to realise how lucky i have been and i finally understood what it means by being contented. In the past, i was always unhappy because i have had a lot of desires. Perhaps, the guide i met in Hanoi, his name was Nam, taught me how to cherish the things and pp around me. My cousin mentioned i was different when i came back. I was less frustrated....whenever i was upset with work, i would think of the pp in Hanoi, how they managed to stay happy despite the poor conditions. Compared to them, i was really insignificant and that was the essence of happiness.

2006, just as i thought my love life would be another blank, somebody crept in quietly into my life. I had to admit, at this moment, i am still thinking about him even though i knew we have no future. It was a very amazing experience that i had trouble believing that happened to me. We met in Hanoi while i was planning for the Hanoi trip. He was trying to sell me some tours while i was bargaining. It turned out we chatted everyday and he had illusions about me. I was tempted but i stopped myself before i went for the trip. However, when i got back, i realised i did have some feelings for him. Maybe that is the power of time. We spent very little time together and up to this point, I am still not sure if i was a friend or a customer. I guessed that was not important anymore. What was important was he existed and he gave me wonderful memories. I do not think we could work it out at all, but i was still reluctant to give up at this point, perhaps because I was falling into temptation. I told myself, he was just treating me like a customer, trying to earn a few more dollars from me. After the trip, I should think that would be the end of our relationship. I was never lucky in love, sometimes i wonder why......I guess for me, it would be beter for me not to have met that person, than to meet and suffered disappointment. For me, that was what i was going through now. Till now, we had not kept in touch. I was not sure if we still would......i guess if we did, i would be licking my disappointment quietly.

Anyway, all those happened in 2006, so it was a past. It was just plain unfortunate i would start the year thinking of an impossible. Perhaps, in a few more months, i would have recovered and moved on in my life.......the world waited for no one. In 2007, effectively i had only 10 months left with my family and friends. They would be my priority. After that, i would have to face up to the consequences due to the decision i made. Whatever that came out of it, i am sure i would become a better person. Take every obstacle as an opportunity to build my character building.

Yes, i would be looking forward to 2007, to see what it has in store for me......whatever it is, count my blessings and things would be a lot more bearable.......

观雨

好久没观雨了，今天在上海的香格里啦，从窗口望出去，整个城市蒙蒙的，已经是雨季了，冬天也来了。很喜欢这样的感觉，很平静， 很难得。我任由我的思绪飞翔。

其实，我此刻是相当疲惫的。这几个月来的不断飞翔，我已经不知道自己在那里了。虽然，住的是豪华酒店，可是却少了家庭的温暖。这时，我才发觉原来我是那么地想家。以前，我总以为我很潇洒，想念不必一直挂在嘴边，在心里就够了。现在，我才知道能和家人一起度过日子，才算是一种幸福。

看到上海下着雨，不禁想起在远方的家人。于是，拨了一通电话回家。我就是这样的一个人，虽然想念，可是就是说不出口。和妈妈没聊五分钟，我便挂了。也许，我真的习惯把思念连成篇，一一写下来吧。我还是那么一个内向的人吧。一直都没学会把感情表露出来。不晓得，何时何地，我才能把我的思绪一一展露出来。希望我不会越变越孤僻。

庆幸的是， 明天我就要回家了。接着便和家人一起去度假。我答应我自己，我一定要好好放假。

倒数

（与浦东香格里拉酒店）

今天，在工作上又受到了挫折。可能我已经麻木了，心情的起伏已经没那么大了。
只不过，只不过，我终于感受到那种在异乡的寂寞。
好想找个人倾诉一下。
我天天都在倒数着，回家的日子。
倒数着。

工作上发生的那些事，让我很想哭泣。
我很想，象个小孩，哭向你的怀抱。
我想，撒撒娇，让自己放纵一下。
可惜，你太遥远了。
于是，我开始倒数和你的相见的日子。
倒数着。

我很傻吧。
竟然会为你，而开始有点举棋不定。
理智上来说，我们是不可能的。
我想，我又开始放纵自己。
我们见了面，会是怎么样的情景？
我每天都在期待，都在彩排。
我一直倒数着我们的初遇。
倒数着。

虽然我知道，一定没结果，
可是还是有一点的期待。
在那充满星星的星空下，
会是怎么样的结局？
我们的离别又会是怎么样？
我一直倒数着。
倒数着。

We are so near yet so far......
Counting down......
To the day.....
We meet..

**已经很久没有对别人动心了，我不觉得我已经动心了，只不过，我还是很享受那种交流很自然的感觉吧。最希望自己真的不会受伤， 因为成功的百分点少过一。

是寂寞吗？

是寂寞吗？ 我自己也不晓得。
这一次的邂逅，是我自己也没有预料到的。
不晓得，自己的生活， 思绪会不会变得一塌糊涂。
毕竟，我们彼此都有了幻想。

河内，到底是一个怎么样的地方？
一个很平常的网上订购，竟然促成一段友谊的开始。
其实，我是一个很多疑的人。
我一直在想，对方说的话到底有没有欺骗我。
一直认为，自己是一个不轻易新人别人的人，
可是面对一个素未谋面的人，
我竟然选择相信他的一切。
我想，我已经开始有了幻想。

现在的邂逅，让我想起了宇修。
那时的年少无知，那时的放纵，
是一种很好的感觉。
现在的我，已经成熟了，
但还是有一点点地渴望吧。

其实，很渴望十二月的想见。
我知道，见面之后，什么幻想都没有了，
可是我真的希望，我们至少能保留朋友。
希望我们的结局，就如我们的开始，
那么值得回味。

--献给一个远方看不懂汉字的朋友

九月十五日，于悉尼YHA (Central) - 笨蛋

我，独自一个人， 在悉尼的YHA， 让自己的思绪， 任意飞翔，一边听着mp3。

我，想起了他。在临别前收到他的sms， 还以为他想让我保重，可是原来另有目的。想了之后，都觉得自己有点笨，一直都还没把他忘记，而且对他还有要求，真得不应该。想想，已经无数次被他利用，可是我还是那么心甘情愿。明明知道已经不会有结果，为什么我还那么傻？笨，笨，笨死了。

已经不会主动约他，也不主动和他联络，可是我还是摆脱不了他。难道我真的得拒绝和他所有的来往吗？越是刻意，不是更代表自己越是放不下。 快要四年了， 我还真痴情。哈哈。

可能，我还得给自己更多的时间吧。我也晓得，我必须顺其自然。就这样吧，别刻意躲着他，让自己开始对他没有要求。

九月十五日，于悉尼YHA (Central)

今天是我第一次，自己一个人踏上路程。终于可以放假了。此刻的心情除了累，还是累。也许，饱和点要到了吧。我也不晓得。从毕业到现在才三个月的时间，我发现自己竟然不在控制中，说起来挺可笑的。

还记得，还没毕业时，我做了种种的计划，计划要怎么样去享受人生，好好地利用我仅剩下的一年的时间 （移民之前），好好地陪家人，好好地想想自己未来的路， 可是这些事我都没有做。有点对不起自己，更对不起妈妈。

我想趁这几天，有空档，可以好好地想一想，到底要不要继续深造。不晓得我是不是在逃避，可是怎么就还没有决定，真得很不像我的作风。可能，潜意识里，我觉得我不想继续，可是有那么不甘心，所以至今还琢磨不定。

友人和我说过，读心理学，有三种人， 第一种人是为了帮助别人而读的，我称这种人为天使。说真的，我真的没有那种能耐，可以时时刻刻地开导人， 毕竟我真的没那么伟大。第二种人，我称他为恶魔，因为他们是为了控制人，而选者读心理学。讲师增经说过，心理学一门很powerful 的科目，而我也在学习的过程中，看见这样的恶魔。我知道其实我是有这种能耐，成为恶魔，可是我选择平凡。第三种人，我称他为“人”，因为他最有人性。这种人是为了了解自己，而读心里学。我想，我属于这一类的人。因为想多了解自己，想知道为什么自己有时会有那么dark 的想法，想做一个好人，所以选择心理学。也因为这个原因，让我自己挣扎了很久，我到底是不是花更多的时间， 金钱和精力去了解自己，还是我应该就这样算了。到现在，我还是没有答案。

上司的突然离职，无疑对我来说一种打击。 好不容易，才找到一个赏识我，而我也佩服的上司，可是一切都太短了。因为他的离去，让我有种一切都不在重要的感觉。也许，他一直是我的推动力，一直让我把他当成目标， 想成为和他一样的人吧。如今，一切对我来说已经不重要了。我想，我还是必须走自己的路。

一年后的我，到底会在澳洲做些什么呢？是读书，工作还是安定下来？我，真的不知道。

心麻

心，真的麻了。

那天，接到老板即将离职的消息，整个人傻了。我想在我工作接近十年的生涯，他应该属于最棒的一位，所以听说他要离去，我怎么样也无法提起劲工作。虽然说，天下没有不散的宴席，可是总觉得这一切来了太快乐。 我以为，我会比他先离开，可是唉!

他说过，本来想要我接手他的职务，可是我知道他在大家心目中的地位，是无法取代的。我，也不希望代替他。事到如今，我也衷心地祝福他，希望他能找到自己的天空，更希望能有一天，我们能再一次合作。

我想，应该是时候，替自己的前途大算了，不能再逃避了。应该会很快就会有决定了，我想。

下一次，在把我的决定一一写下来吧。

结束

结束是另一个开始吗？

好久没有那么放肆的感觉了。听着一首又一首的抒情歌曲，整个人感觉很平静。是的， 一切都已经结束了。 两年半来的奋斗，努力，压力，酸甜苦辣，都在我最后一张试卷后，结束了。 回想起那所有的点点滴滴，其实真的有无限的感慨。而我心里也知道，这一切的结束，其实是我人生的另一个开始，因为那意味着，我离家的日子，越来越近了。

我知道，其实我一直在逃避这个问题。我不想去想，所以潜意识里，我一直用忙做借口。因为忙，所以没有时间去想，说穿了，是自己不想去想。我真的是很舍不得这里的一切，虽然我很不认同这个国家的政治。舍不得的是我的家人，我的朋友，还有那熟悉的感觉。最舍不得的是，那回家的感觉。不晓得从何时开始，我变得那么想家的一个人。也许，人越老越会珍惜那回家的感觉，那种有人等着你一起开饭的感觉，还有那我受伤后，可以很潇洒地跑回家的感觉。家里，永远会有人和我分享我喜怒哀乐。

一个人的日子会是怎么样的呢？虽然害怕，但也有一点期待。每天，我都在为这个问题寻找答案。 很羡慕那些人，可以潇洒地走一回，无牵无挂。我想，一个人的日子，虽然多了份自由，也多了份忧伤。受伤后，在也找不到回家的感觉。

我是怎么了？怎么突然间变得那么伤感？一个结束其实意味着另一段开始。

我想，还是收拾心情， 准备做决定吧。

杂念

懒洋洋地坐在电脑前面，听着不断播出的mp3，正好播着《向左走，向右走》的主题曲，一部我看了哭了死去活来的电影。回想着这半年来的生活，除了忙，就是累。感觉上，心忙也盲了。每天， 除了工作就是读书，日子过得很快，但有空挡的时候，不时会觉得有一股空虚感。

我，到底怎么了？

感觉上，心很麻。在工作上，时不时都开怀大笑，但那是我吗？还是我用笑声来掩饰自己心灵上的空虚与寂寞，我不晓得。常常对自己说，要善待自己，因为这个世界，如果自己不爱自己，那我就得不到爱了。宁愿做一个等爱也可以爱别人的我，也不想做一个只能让别人爱的人。也许，付出对我来说，永远是一种美。

这半年来，已经减少出门的次数，可能是累到已经没有多余的经历，和友人畅所欲言，也可能只想一个人静一静， 想想未来的路该怎么走。

再过一个星期，就要开始我人生最后的一个二十年头。心情是很复杂的，也许今年将会是我在这里度过的最后一个生日。明年的那一天，我会在那里，我不知道。想像着离开的情景，心里充满了惆怅。离开永远是伤感的。到新的国度，一个人去过新的生活，我会有着怎么样的经历？有一点点的期待，但跟多的舍不得。舍不得我的家人，我那群一起胡闹的朋友，更舍不得那回家的感觉。我会变成怎么样的一个人， 更独立还是更孤僻？

每一年，到了这个时候，我总会有一点点的期待。总是期待会有意想不到的惊喜，可是每一次都那么平淡。不过也因为平淡，让我学会珍惜。每一年，我都有着同样的习惯，数数看有多少人献上祝福，也会看谁是黑马， 会在那一天和我联系。我想每一个联系都代表着一份祝福吧。虽然每一年，我总会有一些失望，但也会有一些惊喜吧。人生不过也如此。

希望今年迎接我的生日时，心不再那么麻，也希望会有一点点的惊喜，让我至少可以记得在我还没离乡背井的那个生日，是用什么样的心情度过的。

思念

最近我一直想起 你。
你，好吗？
偶尔，收到 你的简讯，
偶尔，从别人口中知道 你的消息，
心里会闪过，一丝的 开心。
你，有打听 我的消息吗？
你，有惦记 我吗？

那天意外收到 你的简讯，
天天倒数着，和你 相见。
结果换来，一箩箩的 失望。
我， 好傻。

A 和 K, 分手了。
我想起， 我们四个人的日子。
我，始终走不出 你的阴影。

三年了。


**想你，念你，惦你，可惜都不是你。**

Family

Family.....I still remember when I was young, I never had the guts to write about it. Perhaps I was an escapist. Whenever the composition title was "My Family", I would agonise over it because it was time for me to tell a white lie, to use my creativity to paint the kind of family I wanted. No matter how hard I tried, the family I came out with only existed in my writings, not in reality.

I had to admit, I did not grow up in a healthy environment and somehow, that did contribute to part of me now. Well, in my context, every family was dsyfunct in some way or the other. The difference was only in the depth of seriousness. Anyway, I had already came to terms with my family. I realised parents and siblings are the only things in the world that I have no choice with. It is God's gift to me.

Gradually, I began to appreciate my family. Due to its dysfunction, I had to mature earlier than my peers and I was much closer to my siblings than the rest. And at this point in time, when the thoughts came to me that I was leaving them soon, somehow, a feeling of sadness overcame me. Perhaps, I have never left home and live independently before, perhaps I was scared, perhaps I was worried that when I needed emotional support, I could only depend on myself.....

Last weekend was my Grandma's birthday. Actually to be honest, I was not very close to her. Every year, attending birthdays was going through a motion until my Grandpa passed away suddenly last year. Suddenly, it dawned to me, it could be the last time I would be celebrating for her, I would not know. So this year was kind of special, at least I feel I was not going through the motion, but enjoying the process. As usual, this year I was the photographer. Personally, I feel this year I had taken a number of nature shots. The one shown was my favourite, capture the main lead and her numerous great-grandchildren.

I am very sure I would miss home when I departed for my dreams in another 1 year or so. I would miss the "smell" of coming home everyday after work. I am not sure if the rest have the same feeling before. Everyday, no matter how tired I am, I am still looking forward to going home. At least, I know there is somebody at home waiting for me. And as soon as I reached the area where I stayed, I could practically smell the familiar scent, the bird chirping, the housewives busy cooking dinners, the hungry schoolchildren coming home from school, all looking forward to going home. Once I reached the foreign land, I would miss this feeling terribly. There is no one at home, no one cares if I do go home or not, and no one cares if I have had my dinner. And there is no one I could turn to if I need emotional support. Everything has to be on myself.......and I have to be strong enough for that.

Sometimes I really wonder if I make the right decision by leaving my family behind to achieve what I wanted to. Well, I can only say if I do not try now, I would never have the guts to try it out anymore as age is catching up. I just had to promise myself, no matter how tough things are, I will tide it through and I will make it home once again definitely and make the folks at home proud of me.

想念

想念你,
昔日的憧憬,
今日不断地浮现。

想念你,
你的魄力，你的激发，你对我的信任,
如今却再也找不回那股干劲。

想念你,
在同样的星空里，同样的时间里,
却少了那熟悉的你,
我只能对同伴述说种种的你。

想念你,
感谢你,
感激你成为我生命中,
另一个有份量的人,
照亮在黑暗抹索的我。

想念你，
祈祷，期待着......
何时才会再一次相遇，
何时才能再一次敞开胸怀，
细说从前。

(这篇文章到底是为谁而写，我自己也混淆了.....)

Friends

Honestly, I never like to think about Friends, not especially in writing. To me, I am a person with very few friends, as long as I am comfortable with you, that is good enough. But do not try to step into my inner world, the world of my thoughts. However, there are always exceptions and the few that slipped through are what I called them my gem, but sometimes these gem would cause me disappointments too. Alas, this is not another blog to pen down my disappointment in Friends....think I have written too much on that issue before. The problem could be well myself. However, I would like to write about a few people who have or have the potential to become my Friends and the kind of relationship we shared put me at ease.

I think I have became friends with Sunflower. Yes, it is Sunflower again. She is worth special mention here because I think I owed her a debt. If there is any slightest chance of me becoming a great psychologist in the future, she will be the first person I would want to thank and she will always hold a special place in my heart where Psychology is concerned. Indeed, if not for that stimulating class that she has taught, I think I would have given up Psy long ago. She brought the then disillusioned me back to reality, believing in me that I could succeed if I wanted to, and imparting her knowledge to me. Yes, I think I did not let her down. I scored a Distinction for what most labelled as the toughest paper. Is not only the paper academic I am grateful to her, I am more grateful to her for sharing her aspirations, her thoughts and her stir of my emotions where Psy is concerned. She truly made me ponder if I should /am talented in this area. She brought back the motivation in me for doing my best and yes, I really appreciate those thought provoking sessions where my head was in a turmoil after talking to her. She truly inspired me. To me, I think she will be someone who I always looked up to (just like what I always trying to find in friends, something for me to look up to).

The second lady I have to admit, I used to judge her. I used to find her a "bimbo", complaining over the slightest thing. But fate has decreed us that we should become closer after we both left the place where we once work. She is what I defined in between a simple and a not so simple person. Is an awkward position to be in, somewhere in between. Well for one, she is quite intelligent and for one given her intelligence, she is not at all scheming but yearning for a simplistic life. I remembered I told her about the mild depression I suffered during one of the msn session. What she said hit the nail. The minute you were unhappy, you have wasted one minute of your life. How true that statement is. I have always reminded myself to be happy, but it takes somebody in middle ground, to give me that tight slap to see the light in tunnel. I have to admit, she has matured over the years and our friendship sort of build up over the msn sessions. She is not a so simple person who has able to live a simple life. Maybe through al the sharing sessions, I have come to appreciate her beauty. Is kind of funny when at one moment, you feel / think that this person can never be your friend and at the next moment, this person could well be the one offering some sort of solace. For that, I really appreciate her kind intention.

The third lady is an old time friend. Actually, I am not sure if she comes close to my category as a friend. We braved through thick and thin during our school days, however she is the kind of person whom I never will have expectations. She has drawn the line very clearly that her family is her priority and friends always come second. And yes, is the same case for me. However, I guess there is some aspect of her character that is not so well-formed that will put me off at times. Nevertheless, we kept in touch all these years. It is how funny things go. Right at this moment, we are all fighting hard to fulfill our dreams and so we could empathise with each other, and spurring each other on, not to give up till the end. Is a kind of special bond. From time to time, when she is disillusioned, she will come to me for advice and we exchange pointers in the process of achieving our dreams. Though like I mentioned earlier, she had some aspects of characteristics that put me off, she also had some characteristics that made me admire her. For one, she is also a fighter, hanging on always for her dreams. I like people with dreams and I admire people who set all out to achieve them. Perhaps, we are the similar kind of people who will go all out to do what we set to. Her self-discipline and motivation earned my admiration.

It is kind of interesting to ponder why these 3 persons are doing in my life at the same time, the time when I am disappointed with my own collection of gem. Perhaps, it is trying to tell me something. That I am not alone, that I always have people to count on. Throughout my whole mild depression episode, one of my favourite gem was missing and even though I did spell briefly what was happening in my life, no further action was taken from her. Perhaps, I think she was too caught up in her own life that she forgot to spare a thought for those who knocked on her door briefly. Indeed, it did really upset me to feel ignored and even more disappointed that when I needed help or call for help, her hand was not lifted out to me. Anyway, perhaps I feel I should move on to other gem in life. Indeed, there were many who really cared for me and helped me through my ordeal. And the most ironical thing was these people did not even come close to my category of friends.

That is it about life. The thing you cherished most need not necessarily be the best, isn't it? Actually, I feel I learnt something from this mild depression. The person you cared about the most may not reciprocate in similar manner. Sometimes, it takes a stranger to show that they care.

Friends to me now has a new meaning. It doesnt mean you have to know the other party very well to be considered a friend. In the past, I was too stringent in my category of friends. It is always better to have more friends, more people to rely on for support when the need arises. And never never forsake or ignore those who called on you. You never know what impact your actions have on them.

感动

好久没有用华文下笔了。我想，自从我上了心理学的课之后，便想磨练自己的英语，所以把思绪都用英语写下。今天，在无意间，看了某人的文笔之后，有了一丝的感动，所以决定提笔，写下自己的感触。

跟某人并不熟悉，因为其实只认识了两天，可是他和那个人有太多的相似之处，让我这几天一直不断想起那个人。一样的温柔，一样的外形，一样的黑，还有一样的感性。其实，我以为只有外形一样而已，可是没想到某人也是个思绪紧密的男人。在工作之余，无意间翻读了某人的网上日记，有了一些感动。他的文笔是我少数看到的棒，而且又是出自一个男生，所以除了感动，还是感动。文笔间，流露了他那颗寂寞的心，还有那渴望回家的心情。也许，在短暂的未来，我也有着同样的感觉，所以，可以特别了解他的心情。也不晓得为什么，读了之后，感觉很好。也许，他掩饰得很好，所以一直看不出他是一个思绪周密的人。那种渴望简单， 单纯的生活。或许，人很多时候都身不由己吧。我自己何尝不是呢？

很可惜，是在办公的时候认识了某人，因为我已经告诉自己，在办公时，不可以再投入感情了。因为一次的摔伤，对感情也不抱任何的期待。我也告诉自己，因为自己有了期限，所以不能在这个时候，为了感情，放弃梦想。更不想让自己的思绪，影响了判断能力。或许，如果换一个场合认识某人的话，也许我们能成为知己，毕竟大家都是性情中人。

不知道我是不是还走不出那个人的阴影？还是这两个人真的那么相像。第一次见到的时候，我就觉得，真的是天意，又让我碰到另一个那么相像的人。我一直觉得，我已经走出阴影，可是生活上的许多事，还是会让我想起那个人。也许，我真的太投入了，所以我一直觉得，自己的世界里，已经有了个缺口， 而我却一直还在寻觅那个留了缺口的那个人。

我真的回不到过去，回不到还没认识那个人的时间。我想，失去的永远是最好的吧。虽然已经不再奢望什么了，可是还是无法弥扑那残缺的缺口。

Faith

It is Feb. It's been a while since i last penned down my thoughts. The dreadful exams has just passed last week and already i am feeling the "emptiness". Guess it has been two years since I last have some spare time and it is the first time i spent my weekend idling away at home, not knowing what to do. I did not arrange any appointments mostly due to the fact that i did not feel like seeing anybody. Maybe when people have time for me, I don't, and when I have time for them, they don't. As time passed, it did not matter if we did meet up or not, such is reality.

Actually, i have always thought this year is a fabulous year for me, but at this point of writing, I do not know why, but I seemed to be breaking apart, breaking down, and my world seemed to be collasping for no apparent reason. Perhaps I have lost my faith in things, I do not know. All I know was it started with Sunflower's simple comments that set me thinking. I do not blame her for causing this depression episode, she has just brought out my "repressed" thoughts. Indeed the past two years, I have been so overwhelmed by Psych and so caught up in dividing my time between work and study that the things I have been thinking before I started Psych have been "repressed".

Her striking comment about me was I have very few friends that I could turn to. And I was like mine, she was so accurate. Actually I am a very easy-going person and I made friends easily. To put it bluntly, most of the people will like me when they talked to me. However, that was only my facade. Very few people could actually share my thoughts (I really wonder if there were any.) I began to evaluate the friendships I have established over the years. Honestly, I have always felt I was pretty lucky that I was able to find two persons who could share some of my thoughts. However, on a closer inspection, I began to lose my faith in them. Let's take the first one for example. She is a childhood friend, and we practically watched each other grew up. However, she has always maintained a safe distance for her motto is "In order to be friends, there is a need to establish a distance." Well for me, I respect that and I do not mind for I am comfortable with that kind of friendship, it is kind of "special". Having a good friend who always wanted to maintain a safety distance, is kind of interesting experience to me. I never have any expectations of her as a friend, but when I have always to take the initiative to meet up, I would get tired. At this juncture, I think I am pretty tired in initiating gatherings. Perhaps, at this point, my mind is too boggled up.

Well for the second one, I think we got too close together that I begin to have expectations of her. Yes, I know it is wrong in the first place to have expectations of friends, that's why I am trying to suppress myself so that I would not jeopardise our friendship. However, what was hurting was whatever was shared between us, would be shared between her and her sister. It sort of pained me because I think some of things were pretty confidential. And both of them had to tell me there were not secrets between them. Somehow, I felt a sense of "betrayal". Because of this, it made me think twice when I want to share something with her. It is as if I am telling two persons (one of them whom I am not very close to) about myself. Knowing how private a person I am, I do not like that feeling of having disclosed myself and having the other party msning me about things that I have never disclosed to personally. Perhaps, this friend of mine has not understood the essence of friendship, I feel.

Perhaps it is kind of silly to have these kind of thoughts. But somehow, I feel my faith in people is diminishing. It is kind of scary. I do not know who I can turn to, to share my happiness, my unhappiness and most importantly my thoughts. I always dreamt of meeting that special person, who could understand me, and able to relate to me. But what Sunflower has said had dealt with me a strong blow, the cruel fact that I may not be able to find that one person who I could relate to. Indeed, it was a dreadful thought even though I know I have alternatives to carry on with my life. I am not sure why I am having these thoughts lately. Perhaps, my mind is too lethargic to think. Once again, I feel I begin to lose faith in people. That happened to me before and it took a rather special person to make me regain my confidence and for that, I always owed him one I feel (though he never knew he had brighten up somebody's life.)

Whenever I tried to share with people about the thoughts I have, the common remark is "You think too much". Well, at first I thought so. However, after reading M.J Scott Peck "The Road Less Travelled and Beyond", I agreed with him that you never think too much. From his book, I deduced that ability to think is a gift. It is free and you are free to do anything with the gift. Perhaps because of this special gift, I began my own struggles and lost my faith. Perhaps, I was at the cross road of making a decision that I have lost my faith. Or maybe I am too busy with a BIG project that was turning into a mess as time goes by. I think I am trying to analyse and rationalise the thoughts/feelings that are going through me.

School is starting in another three weeks or so, for that I really hope I could get myself out of this mess. I wanted to start feeling positive again, start meeting with people again. I guess this period is what I call a cool off period, a time to really get in touch with my own feelings, to think about what I really wanted to do. Most importantly, to learn more about myself, my disappointments, my faith, my convictions and many many more. Hopefully, it would not take too long for me to get out of this mess.

Another Thursday

As i was writing this, the part of the world where i was coming from was celebrating the lunar new year eve. Just had a reunion dinner wif my folks. Having helped out for the first time in cooking, tis year is really a bit different. Anyway, i m not sure if i will be at home next lunar new year eve, so is impt that i enjoyed the every bit of it. The feelings of having to spend the most impt chinese festival alone indeed spelled loneliness to me...but well, who knows what next year has in store for me.

Had another gd thursday in the week that just passed. Was a bit sad and reluctant that this semester flew so fast. It was the last lesson for my summer module tis sem and i hated to say goodbye to Sunflower. But well, everything has to come to an end, isn't it? I still rem the first time i saw her, she took over the lesson from the previous lecturer who was not competent enough. Well, i tot, another change. Never had any strong feelings for her except tat she was one of the better ones who cld teach. Never did i tot she wld become my inspiration for this particular tough module. It all started wif her approaching me abt the lessons, wat was taught the previous week and the questions abt assignments. Gradually we became frens thru emails exchanges. Guess something good really came out of the course tis semester.

Stayed back to chat wif her after the last class. Talked abt a lot of things, abt her aspirations, her rejections she suffered in Psych, her tots abt the course. Hmm, she was truly a high flier in Psych and possibly in her academic achievements. She scored 7 HDs and 3 Ds. I was like wow, she is fantastic. But to be honest, she was rite, scoring HDs was not difficult. For me it was difficult becos i had problems wif the writings. She was really nice in that aspect and humble. She told me i cld actually approach her for my last module where writings are concerned and she will help me out. Well, as the teaching guidelines said, the lecturer was not supposed to vet the student's writings. But wat she said make sense. If she was not teaching that module, there wld not be any conflicts. Felt tat she was really helpful. For my part, i wld definitely approach her though it was gg to be my last module and an elective at tat, but that doesnt mean i will slack.

I began to tink she was sent by God to tell me to persist on in Psych. At this juncture, my career was actually taking off and i was actually tinking of pursuing my career rather than Psych. But looking at her attitude and her achievements, it made me had second tots. No doubt the job i had now was wat i had been waiting for for a long long time, and no doubt i was deeply appreciated in the company and highly looked up upon, but something seemed to be missing. Upon inspection, i tink the satisfaction of helping pple and myself was missing. Yes, i was satisfied to be able to build systems, to do wat others deemed as impossible, but i feel i was not getting in touch wif myself and wif others, not learning more abt "life". Whereas in Psych, everything i learnt, i cld apply it and learn abt myself, the pple ard me and life itself, my career just gave me the "technical" satisfaction. I was worried i was not able to feed myself if i switched to Psych, but seeing how Sunflower overcame all the obstacles and being happy wif herself, i felt i cld do the same. She was rite, if i wanted to do it, i cld. However the desire encompassed a lot of things, including sacrifices. I wld not be earning as much i wld now, meaning i have to cut back on my luxurious travelling plans. But i will be happy. I remembered i once said, after all the travelling, i wld get sick of it, till then i will have to find other alternatives. So it seemed, if i do Psych, i wld be in touch wif myself and in touch wif "life". Perhaps thru her, i really see wat i wanted for myself. Perhaps God feel i should persist on and do what i really wanted and be happy.

I tink i m really lucky to have met her. After more than 20 years of studying, i finally saw an inspiring teacher who gives me the ray of hope. I feel she had made great sacrifices to fulfill her dreams. If she cld do it, so cld I. So it stayed for now that i will be pursuing Psych. Perhaps after i grad in June and if i have the spare time, i will sit in for some of the classes that i been thru and find out new things abt myself.

In the new year to come, i promise myself that i will be happy always, wif less expectations, be an inspiration to others and become a better person.

I m sure i will stay in touch wif Sunflower for a long long time, perhaps even till the time i leave for my dreams. Thank you Lady, you have truly been wonderful!

Good vs Evil

It's thursday, and to tell the truth, i m looking towards every thursday these days due to my Psych class. I tink the last few lessons had actually been stimulating, in terms of knowledge from the class as well as learning more abt myself. I tink it was the first time, i feel i m truly in a Psych class, learning more and more abt myself....really enjoy it. The downside of it was, my head was always in turmoil on the way back from school, thinking of the conversations i have had wif Sunflower earlier on.

It all started wif the chain of email exchanges we have and today the conversation started wif my job....frankly i wasnt too keen to talk abt my job becos it was so tiring to explain abt IT and concepts of OO. i guess i just wasnt a good lecturer where IT is concerned, anyway i admired her drive for learning, and she is forever so keen abt things happening around her. Then the conversation stemmed towards the direction of Forensic Psych which i was deeply interested in. I explained to her abt my motivation, which was wat drove pple into Psychopathology. We had the same concepts abt humans. Humans are innately good, however i put it in a negative way to explain it. I believed everyone of us cld become psychopaths if we lose our self-control, though we are good by nature, while she believe that humans are +ve beings. Then it all sparked off the good vs the bad / evil. She had a valid pt, Psychopathology is a veri dark area, an area where one will be led astray unless one had a strong willpower. However, i feel that was wat sparked off my interest. I always believed that if one had strong willpower, they will not turn to psychopath, meaning psychopaths are pple who lost their self-control and deviated from the normal good value systems. However, it was amazing that these pple who lost their self-control cld actually influence pple who are not so strong mentally and manipulate them. I tink i shocked her, becos it appeared i was such a "dark" person.

Honestly, just a few months ago, i really wanted to give up Psych, i was afraid i wld lose self control and became a "bad" person. I tink i was too engrossed into the world of Psych and i always think everyone has a "dark" side of their characteristics and if u did not suppress that "dark" side, it is easy to go the other way. However, i tink i managed to pick myself up from that mess, but of course i m worried. I studied Psych to help pple, not to harm pple. So today, by having a conversation wif Sunflower, she really sparked off tis issue of Good vs Evil. To me, there is a thin line of difference between them, and each of us will view an incident differently, there are so many areas to consider, so it is easy to deviate from one side to another. I tink i have truly aroused her interest in me. But she hit the nail twice wifin that short conversation, she cld tell i m a philosopical person and not many pple cld understand my tots. It was kinda of scary.

Recently i looked back in the frens i have and i realise not even my two best frens cld understand me or my tots. At times, i tend to pose thought poking questions to them which stimulated them, but it was funny tat they nvr tot of these things. More importantly, i tink i tend to share more of my tots abt the world, abt pple to them than the other way. Sometimes i really wonder if i m normal. Tat explained the helplessness feeling i experienced at times tat no one cld understand or share my tots, and tat also explained the loneliness feeling i have at times. Maybe i really tink too much.

Sunflower also posed another interesting question. Why was pple also so interested in the -ve aspects of life if human is innately +ve/good? My ans wld be there was nothing much to study abt the gd things. The "bad" things made studies interesting or challenging. My pt is by finding out how pple deviated to the bad side of things, is easier to curb them rather enforcing the positive things abt them. Prevention is always better than cure.

I dunno if i m normal, but sometimes i tink i m afraid by having these kinds of weird tots. I truly wanted to be "good" person. However, it seemed pple ard me din seem to be experiencing the same things and i worried myself by tinking too much abt pple's nature. Perhaps i was gifted in a particular way which i have not realised it yet. Really hope Sunflower cld ans some of my questions. She looked so amazed at my perception abt things.

Anyway, it's been a tiring day today. Hopefully after meeting up wif her after exams, i cld understand myself better. Truly, i have made somebody interested in knowing me.

Inspiration

What does it take to be an inspiration to others? For me, i m always on lookout for role models to inspire me. Actually, i tink i liked to be inspired and i like to inspire pple too. Unfortunately, nobody so far has come fwd me and tell me, "you know, you have really been an inspiration." Well, i guess is not an easy task to inspire pple. I always tot i cld inspire pple wif my +ve thoughts, my unlimited energy levels and my optimum level of positiveness, but i was sure i got smbody upset today....not tat it bothered me, but it worried me.

My ever whining fren (actually not sure if she really belonged to my category of fren) started whining abt her job and her health. Her health was suffering due to her job. Well, in my perspective ( i dunno if i m judging), i felt that she was always whining, nothing new. Thruout my years of knowing her, she was so used to tat. I remarked tat her mind was sick, to me changing the mind, changed the person. Alas, i tink she got so crossed wif that statement, saying tat i was not doing her job, if i were, i wun be saying the same thing. Wat i truly felt was, no matter wat, you still have a choice. That's the beauty of living in this world. My principle in life is not to restrict my choices, instead explore them. Clearly, this has gotten her rather upset that she cut off her conversation wif me. Not that it really bothered me tat she was mad at me, but somehow maybe i felt i was not empatheic enough...but on recollection, i guess i had been patient enough over the 11 years and it was the time to snap.....Truly, wanting to inspire pple was never easy.

Started an email chain wif Sunflower last week after a fulfilling Psych class. It all started wif her asking me if i intend to further my course. Then, i realise she was actually a student of the course i was doing. Hmm, it was an ans to my prayer, at least for now i noe somebody had done it before and gave such gd feedback abt it. The journey back home that day was a long one, i had so many tots gg thru my mind tat i felt an urge to drop her an email. I wld say it was an explosive urge, it was like i had so many questions waiting to be answered. Well, she did not disappoint me, at least i found some ans to my burning questions. And i tot tat was the first step to knowing my inspiration better. Thru the exchanges only did i realise she was actually a trained teacher and she actually went all out to achieve her dreams, and she really earned my admiration for tat. Compare to her, i felt so insignifcant. She gave up her job as a teacher of > 10 years to pursue her dreams, and i still cld not decide whether to go for it. Though she was not doing as well as she shld if she stick on to her teaching, but she gave me the feeling that she was truly happy. Perhaps happiness in her thoughts, was doing smthg she was passionate abt. From the way she taught the class, and the way she was willing to learn from her students and the ways she answered the queries i posed, her passion really touched me.

When i first started doing Psych, i had great dreams, i was counting down to my 7 years of earning my Psychologist licence and i was so sure i wld get it as long as i desired it. Along the way, i did become disillusioned, met some setbacks and questioning myself. But i tink her passion brought out the best in me, it made me truly enjoyed the last 3000 module which was supposed to be the toughest. I was really grateful to her for making me reconsidering my options. Is tough to see pple sticking to their dreams in technology age, and is even tougher to be an inspiration to others. She had done both at least in my context and i felt she was like an angel God sent telling me "I have sent somebody to show that you can do it" and in her words to me "as long as you desired, success is hugely yours". Till now, i m still at the cross road, perhaps after meeting up wif her after exams, i may have a clearer direction of where to go. Is kinda of sad that classes are ending soon and i have to admit, tis semester was one of the fulfilling sessions i have. Good things are always short, arent they?

I learnt something from Sunflower. Her desire, her will, and her passion are the ingredients to success. Though success cld be measured in many ways, and though the industry is pretty limited, as long as you have the passion to stick to wat you believed, no matter how small the corner is, you will still be able to satisfy yourself and be an inspiration to others. And truly, i have not felt so touched before for a long time.

Hopefully no matter what my decision was, i will be an inspiration to some and hopefully, someday, someone will come up to me and thank me for being an inspiration :)

Thank you lady, once again for touching that immune heart of mine wif ur pure passion.

Emotions

Another week had passed, time really flies. Perhaps there were to many holidays in Jan that i feel time just shot passed without me realising it. Just finished my introduction for my Personality essay. Was feeling good, becos i took shorter than expected time and also i tink personality was one of my strenghts. Giving myself a reward by listening to Rene Liu's 一次幸福的机会. Just indulging in the lyrics and the power of emotions.

Kind of like this song a lot for a few reasons. She was one of my fav singers, not tat she sang exceptionally well, but i guess she was a person wif inner substance, secondly, i cld relate to the songs, the pain of having giving up when u knew there was no outcome. For me, i was at peace wif myself these days where relationships were concerned. Guess i had grown much stronger than i expected to be. In the past, i yearned too much for a heart wrenching relationship, now i realised simplicity is a blessing. You shld not and do not need to feel a lot of pain, upset to be truly involved in a relationship, it cld be as simple as having the person by your side. I guess a lot of pple still haven understood the pt.

Was having a late conversation wif a fren the other day. She was always plauged wif relationship problems and it was kind of amazing how her emotions worked their way thru her. To me, she was a person who required lots and lots of love and attention, however, she was always putting on a false front that she dun need anybody, that she had planned her life alone and nobody shld try and disturb that peace. The bottom of the facade was she was afraid of getting hurt, her heart cld not take the pain. In my humble opinion, it was difficult to be involved in a relationship w/o feeling pain. It wld seem so superfical isnt it tat the other person was so "perfect" that he/she had nvr done anything to hurt you. At least to me. If you got yourself involved, you wld have expectations, and wif expectations, there are bounds to be pain. Like wat Rene Liu said, you have expectations becos you cld contribute, when the day came tat u cld not contribute anymore, u wld not have anymore expectations. Alas, having expectations after all may not be a bad thing, becos it was truly the emotions of "living", of experiencing things, but others seemed to be taking it so badly (myself for one), i guess life is all about finding the balance point. I wanted to find the point where i can give and have expectations, but if the expectations are not met, i wld not be too upset / disappointed over it. It is really tough, but is a process of self-discovery i guess.

Anyway, back to my the fren. she was consoling a fren who had a failed relationship wif the start of new year. i wld say it was a bad start, but cld truly understand the pain for it happened to me too. u began to analyse the whole thing, wat went wrong etc etc, and more often than not, tears wld start to roll. she got too emotional over it i guess to the extent of affecting herself whereas for me, i was overly calm over the whole incident. diff personalities i guess. she was tinking over her own relationship which ended 6 mths ago and which she saw no future. funni thing is, if u see no future, wldnt it be best to give it up and let time heal everything? otherwise, there wld be more pain to bear? perhaps tat is how i persuaded myself to give somebody up. i know wat it all means, it wasnt easy.....everything related to the other person, the times spent together wld become even clearer and then tears wld start rolling again...but i always believe time is a veri powerful element. it will make pple forget a lot of things, or make the sufferings seemed less painful and make gd things seem even more precious. mostly importantly, it has a limit, once the limt is passed, nothing else wld matter anymore.

To me, my time has passed.......no more pain and memories seem so distant......perhaps subconsciously i din wanna rem a lot of things, one gd thing that u can derive fr a failed relationship was that the next one wld be better. so i told my fren, by thinking tat way, maybe shld wld feel better, but she just cant seem to let him go....well, if u wanna be happy for urself and for him, u gotta let him go. if is meant to be urs, it will come back. hmm, i really wish she cld take my advice at times, no pt hanging to memories to live ur life, it wun make u happy. The important thing now is about the "Present", how to live your life fuly every moment and not hanging to lost love, failed relationships and enhancing your pains.

For tis fren of mine, i really hope you will have a gd start tis year. kinda of worry for ur health, worried abt ur mental state. cant really help u if u dun help urself. if u wanna be happy, learn to let go, take everything as part of growing up, learn to lick ur pain. I really wish, one day the person who cld save u fr salvation wld come and nurse u back into a healthy being.......May happiness be wif u always!

Happy New Year 2006

Yes, finally we are here, in the year of 2006, the year where I will get to rise and shine, climbing to greater heights. I dunno why, but somehow, i feel this is "THE YEAR" for me to accomplish wat i wanted to. I dun tink i m ambitious, just tat hunger for experience, not looking for high increment in job, just high increment in overseas stint, hopefully.

OK, just to blog down wat i have done today and wat thoughts went thru me today to start my New Year so tat i cld rem a year later how i started tis fabulous year.

For a start, it was kind of boring....i had a late nite last nite, coming home at 3am, having 3 rounds of food at diff places wif the same grp of pple and wif the hang over fr the nite before, i pop straight to the bed after showering.....luckily, i still managed to keep my record of waking up 6 hours later becos i was far behind time in my study assignment, having to write a Personality essay.

Actually, somehow for a long time, i was enjoying writing the two essays recently. Perhaps becos i did well for one of the essays last semseter and tat sort of gave me a boost, or it cld be related to the Sunflower who had been so encouraging and inspiring that gave me smthg to look fwd to. The tots went thru me today. I tink i will miss the times locating references, learning thru the process and writing and awaiting the fruit of my labour when i grad in another few mths time. I tink these two years after i taken up psych, it had been esp fulfiling for me. I find my knowledge gaining tremendously and i began to look at things in a diff light. I tink i am gg to miss these fulfilling times tat rite now i m actually enjoying it. It is an irony. I wanted to finish asap then, but now, i do wanna slow the process so that i cld enjoy. Perhaps, i reallly love Psych, otherwise i wun be having tis kind of thots. Tat itself is a consolation to me.

As i was finishing thru my essay online, saw my dear fren online. Hmm, it was a sort of mixed feeling. Had hung out wif her the nite bf.....was not a veri gd feel becos she was feeling down by her job. I dun like pple ard me to be unhappy, if i cld i wld always try to make them happy. but for this lady, i guess it was slightly diff perhaps we were really close. she was the closest beside family, so i wun want to see her unhappy. she was working today as well, i dunno wat to say. sometimes, i feel frens do drain me out....perhaps i give too much, and hence i began to have expectations, and expectations kill a frenship or relationship. so at times, i wld be detached fr the relationship in order to protect myself......becos i noe if my expectations were not met, i wld feel hurt, but at the same time i noe it was not rite to have expectations becos it killed a frenship.....sigh, it was really tough. The only thing i cld do was not to give too much my attention and maybe perhaps tat wld make me feel better......is a form of escapism i feel, but is a feeling i cld not battle over since young.....so one of the things i wanna do tis year is to stop having expectations.....i dun wanna get drained by feelings and emotions anymore :D

Was tinking thru work today........i suddenly rem wat my boss told me over the drinks.....(actually i cant really rem wat he said becos my head was spinning).....i tink he told me to pick up biz knowledge for it will become invaluable...not sure if i was dreaming or it was real....hahaha.....i been figuring out wat was real and wat was my intuition till now...becos i tink we were both drunk....if he meant wat he said when he was drunk, things wld be getting interesting in this year....if not, i still will have things to look forward to in the proj i m doing...well, i better learn not to have expectations lest i get disappointed again....

I tink the morale of the story for the first day of the year 2006, is not to have any expectations regardless in friends, work or anything. I will tell myself that, i will try to take things as they come and do not have any expectations for disappointments are hard to bear.........with that i will work hard, and anything good that came along will be a bonus......I will be happier that way.

Goodbye 2005

Hmm, finally we are at the last day of the year. Well, i wanted to write one whole chunk of the past year happenings in my first website last nite, but alas, i was drunk...yes, drunk. It was the sec time in my life that i got drunk. To confess, i m not a gd drinker and i dun enjoy drinking, reason being for the first time in my life tat i got drunk, i did smthg that blew out of proportion, hence i promised myself i would nvr ever get drunk again. However, this time was diff, it was a biz gathering, hence i cld not say "No". Sometimes, you just cant helped it....but not too bad for me, my drinking capapacity has improved and i still managed to take the MRT home by myself...though my head was spinning badly....

Ok, after a gd swim in the morning, i felt much refreshed.....had a gd breakfast wif mum at the market (which i haven visited for years), and now sitting down, listening to Rene Liu's newest album, i shall begin my day of revisiting the Year 2005........

Year 2005 to me, was a good year. It was 3 months into a new job, a new step that i have taken to step out of the comfort zone and accomplishing things that i longed wanted to in my so called career. Though there was some unknown into the new envr, i tink i love everything in the new job, the pple, the job scope and the envr. Yes, it was much better spending 8 hours a day yahooing and gossiping. I guess i just wanted to become a better person as the years go by and i find that lacking in my old envr, where there was too much time, and wat i could do was oni to gossip. Where work was concerned, i tink i score a High Distinction in 2005. Not that my perf was fantastic, but wat i really felt, i was finally learning, and this job was wat i longed, to LEARN. No more gossips, no more boring projects, and finally someone who really appreciated my efforts and acknowledging it and Yes, finally my boss was smarter than me (not tat i m smart, but all bosses seemed to be blur abt their jobs) and i tink he was truly a motivation and inspiration to me. Once again, i was motivated to tink abt ways of solving problems after work, and once again, i wld commit myself to be doing research abt work, it was a force/energy that i had been searching since my sch days and i cld feel, i m getting it back.

Of course, Year 2005 was not all about work. Where study was concerned, it was a busy year, for i was taking the main bulk of the units in this year....it was tough to do 2 modules per semester part time. But yes, i survived. However, it also dawned on me that maybe after all, i was not so talented in Psych. Perhaps due to time constraint, Psych became gg thru a motion, i just wanted to finish it quickly. I had lost my focus along the way, forgot the initial reason y i took up the course. I forgot that my motive was to learn, to learn abt the science of humans and understand pple better. As i was losing hope, i tink God had sent his angels to me. I met two such angels in my psych course, both of them were lecturers. If you had done part time before, chances were u would get crappy lecturers.....and i was so used to it, that i nvr held high hopes anymore. The first lady had a certain kind of air in her, for my standards, she was rather pretty. She was definitely knowledgable and maybe becos of her intelligence, she was rather sarcastic. However, she was one of the few lecturers who really knew her stuff, but she was not really approachable in the sense she kept a distance fr her students. I wld say it was a smart ways to ward off students who were overly dependent on her. If i had to find a symbol for her, i wld compare her to birds of paradise, elegant, but so distant. The sec lady i tink wld have a bigger impact on me. For one, she was a veri next door lecturer who wld admit, she din noe all the stuff, who wld throw the questions back to the students and who wld learn fr the students. For that, she really earned my admiration and she was the kind that was approachable, and who wld talk abt other stuff beside psych. If i were to rate her, i tink she looked like a sunflower, full of energy and friendly and approachable. These two persons were my inspiration bcos i hope one day i wld become as knowledgable as they are and able to instill inspiration to others. For now, i still cant foresee my future in psych. I m no longer that sure if i really wanted to continue, not that i have lost my interest, but maybe becos i m not sure wat i really wanted to pursue....i told my very best fren, rite now i m leading a fulfiling life becos i was pursuing two things in my life that i have interest in......it was tough that i had to give up one for the other, however i m also sure they cant co exist....someday, i wld have to make a choice.....

The other thing i wld want to talk abt is relationships. Guess i finally got myself out of the ordeal after 3 years of trying....honestly, if u were to ask me now to describe our relationship, i cant give a concrete ans....for one, i was nvr sure if he was ever in love wif me bf...he nvr explicitly told me, but his actions were otherwise. Hence it was always in a state of confusion. I hate to admit, but it was also partly bcos of him tat i left....i cant bear to face him everyday. By leaving i noe time wld heal all wounds and i was right. No longer do i feel so intense for him anymore, he became a fren whom i cld do wifout. Even so, i still wished him all the best as always....becos he was somebody impt......so it was impt that he was happy. I may not be the one, but i really hope he wld find the one and make him a more complete and better person. It was painful to see a talented person wallow in despair, hopefully someday he wld wake up fr his idea, and put his strengths into great use....i promise, wherever i m in any corner of the world, i will be happy for him......

Year 2005 i also did a fair bit of travel...Been to oz, redang and hua hin. It was always great to travel, for every trip i wld get smthg back.....and recharge myself.......Out of the 3, my vote goes to Redang, was really a beautiful place and i had deepened my love for the sea.....beneath the calm surfaces, there was so much movements...and it was a beautiful sight to be swimming wif the marine creatures...though most of the time, i dunno wat they were.....hopefully the next year i get back, it wld still be as beautiful as ever...

Having a good year in 2005, i have higher expectations for 2006. Somehow, i cld feel my body energizing up for next year which is coming in less than 24 hours. For one, i know my career will climb a new heights. I m not an ambitious person, i just wanted the experience of working overseas and how well i can deal wif foreigners who doesnt like Chinese. It is the thirst of experience that is driving me on. Second, i wld have finish my course by mid of next year, by then, i hope i will have a clearer conclusion of wat i wanted to do. Thirdly, hopefully i will be able to find somebody special in the year to go. Well, honestly i leave it to fate.....as long as i m happy, even if i have to walk the journey on my own, i will have the courage to do it. Fourthly, i hope my family and frens will be healthy and happy. Nothing beats the two. Lastly, i hope i will become a better, more knowledgable person......becoming an inspiration to others...

Goodbye 2005, Welcome 2006 !

Q-U-O-T-E-S

You can achieve anything you want in life if you have the courage todream it, the intelligence to make a realistic plan, and the will to see that plan through to the end. -- Sidney A. Friedman

The above quote is my favourite, and my motto for life. I still remembered how I came about to put this quote into my signature 2 years ago. However, i tink i have forgotten the significance of it (or rather a convenient excuse , i was too caught up in my life to practise) until a fine lady came along and gave me a smack on my face. Coincidentally, the lady and the quote are related to Psychology.

I still remember about 2 years back, i was veri lost in life. It happened, they call it the quarter-life crisis though i was slightly overaged..keke. I din know what i wanted in life, i only knew i was hunger for new experiences, hunger for knowledge, but my then job (not career) was coming to a standstill. I thought for long and hard and also to create more options for myself, i ventured into the art of Psychology. Honestly, Psych is a dream i wanted to fulfill badly. I always thot i was somehow gifted in the human science, i seemed to be able to read pple's tots based on my intuition and basically, the badly stereotyped Psych then to me, was wat it was all about. Since my job cld not gave me the satisfaction that i wanted, i ventured into my dreams. I remembered i did all the researches i cld find in my place about distance learning, the path to being a psychologist and the ordeals and sacrifices that i needed to make. The truth was : i need 7 years, 4 years of undergrad, 1 year of masters and 2 years of internship to earn my licence to psychologist. A long process i thought, longer than a doctor yet less prestigous than that. However, i was not put off by the efforts required....i rem i even told myself, as long as i desired it, i will be able to get it.....

Coincidentally, after i made the decision into the Psych course, i chanced upon the above quote from Daily Insights and it fitted the picture then. I had the courage to dream, veri few in the place i came from wld want to be a psychologist becos it was an effortless job, and in taking the dream to a more realistic journey, i made plans to realise my dreams, to enrol in a course that wld ultimately earn my psychologist licence. Finally, the hardest of all was to persist in it.....and wif that quote, i always encouraged myself whenever i encountered setbacks in Psych. Honestly, by doing Psych, i gave up a lot of things, the time to meet new pple, to foster new relationships, to make time for family and having to cope wif study and work at the same time. It was tough and i tink i was stretched to the limit...and i did have tots of giving up...of not furthering after i graduated.....seemed to me i was not able to persist....my will was not strong enough......

Two days ago, as i was communicating wif my current tutor in Psychology, she loved my quote and somehow it was like a wake up call. I had to say i found some inspiration in her, she was the sec person in the distance learning course tat was able to instill some inspirations. I had 2 more modules before i finished my undergrad course and somehow i had forgotten the significance of the quote.....i forgotten abt my desire to become a better person thru psych, my passion and everything abt my sacrifices....and all these were attributed to time.....i simply had no time to tink, i was too tied up in last semester where i had to do 5 essays in 3 mths along wif a major proj in my current career....Psych had been like gg thru a motion. Suddenly when the lady reminded me of my quote, it was like a slap in the face, it was like, what had happened along the way?

Honestly, i had to admit i became a better person after doing Psych, i saw a lot of shortcoming in myself. The main bulk of it boils down to : am i really talented? Actually i dunno. I seemed to be able to comprehend things better than the rest, but i was unable to produce a beautiful piece of essay or lab report no matter how hard i tried. Sometimes i really wonder if it boils down to my command of English or is God telling me "Yes, you have tried it and you know you are not up to the mark." Is kind of disheartening at times when i sat down and is such a pain to go thru the process of writing......Another factor was my career was taking off, at tis pt in time, i wld say it was really a tough decision and tough battle wifin myself....

Am really grateful to the lady who gave me a smack......for making me tink it thru again and again and for her patience in answering a silly and basic question which i shld not be asking....for her encouragement and lastly for being an inspiration. Hopefully, one of these days, i wld be an inspiration to somebody regardless be it in my career or in Psychology.....Is a blessing to be an inspiration. Thank you Lady!

Perhaps Love

Hmm, i have to admit, i wasnt in the best of mood today. Work was piling up and i haven completed my assignment for my second last module. Worse, my work is robbing me of my time to concentrate that my assignments became a burden....really bad timing. Was thinking after the gruelling previous semester, i shld be able to enjoy myself more this semester, but alas, work commitment had taken the toil out of me....but i do enjoy my work though....it finally gave me the satisfaction i was looking for ....for a long long time.

Somehow i decided to watch the movie today. Wun miss Takeshi's move esp this one had such a strong cast.....and somehow when i decided to watch the movie, i wld link it wif him. Yes, i know, he was already a past, but perhaps it had to do wif Takeshi's last movie, "Turn left, Turn right". I still rem the time when i cried so hard after watching the movie, perhaps i can feel wif the movie. He and I were like two parallel lines which cant meet.....and i rem i told him i wld want to wat "Turn left, Turn right" another time. He asked me why, and i told a white lie, saying tat i was a fan of Takeshi. Well, i just wanna see if i cld see other things else by watching it the sec time......anyway, somehow he was in my thoughts today...

I wld say it was a gd movie.......Takeshi cant forget the past, while Zhou Xun wanted to move fwd......perhaps like wat Zhou Xun did, one shld move fwd. And so i tot i did........i din want any contact......but maybe he cant let me go.......Gotcha his sms the other day. I cant help but feel glad. No doubt, i feel no more pain, but is also a fact tat i still had some feelings for him......guess wat i had "invested" had taken a toil out of me tat after 3 years, i cld still feel something....Actually i wonder, will u ever get over somebody? That person had taken something fr u tat u dun feel like the same person anymore...wat he had said and did, u may have adopted and adapted...it was like the many little things in life still contained some of his images.....

Anyway, i really love this movie, i feel everything was so nicely captured and yes the cast gave a splendid performance.......the display of emotions was so great. Perhaps love was supposed to be simple.....a simple love story that Jacky always wanted to make.....and it was also a simple thing tat everyone yearned....at least for me. When i was young, i wanted a heart wenching relationship so tat i wld cherish my loved ones.....I supposed i got my wish and i finally realise perhaps love wld be better if it is simple......It is a blessing to be simple...and i wld always rem that...:)

Time to go to bed ne......!