Money = Motivation???

Recently, my company has been hit by a spate of resignations. Apart from myself who had indicated my decision to leave one year ago to puruse my dreams, the rest of the resignations were tied to political reason with existing colleagues joining a competitor. The company in its bid to stop people from leaving, tried to force the key staff to sign a contract that will lock them in for at least one year.

Of course, a contract come with a price. It comes with a huge increment in exchange for 15 months of freedom to move around. That set me thinking. Not to get me wrong, I am not jealous. I am sure if i were to revert my decision to stay put, I will also be offered the same terms. Money is definitely something everyone is working towards to. But the most important thing is, can money buy motivation and more importantly loyalty?

I have been enticed before by the attractive terms when my previous boss left. I enjoyed my job then and in order to motivate me, I was given a huge increment. At that moment, I was thinking it did not matter as I enjoyed my job and the project and I was not feeling much heat as yet when my boss left. After half a year, the same issue came back and they used the same method to tempt people.

I always have held the principle that I do not work for money. It sounded very noble. But if you ponder over it, if the only motivation for your work is money, one day money will become a demotivator. So I always make it a point to enjoy my job, my boss and my environment. If one of the factors is missing, then is time to say goodbye. And so the saying goes, most of the people leave their bosses rather than their job.

Is a pity really to be leaving at this moment when things are starting to get exciting. But like I say, one of the factors is missing and sad to say money cannot motivate me anymore. I would rather start somewhere afresh and learn to become a better person. The longer I stayed on, the worse a person I will become because I have lost my motivation. I should not be staying to demotivate others.

If money cannot motivate me, it definitely cannot buy my loyalty. I think I am proud of this principle that I uphold all the times. It is sad to see that we become slaves to money. I have seen a few examples in the company. They were given huge increment to stop them from leaving, from joining competitor. However after staying on, they were just surfing internet everyday to pass day. I bet these people would not be leaving, at the same time they have stopped progressing. They leave their knowledge, their experience and most importantly their aspirations behind. I think it is really ridiculous. The people in my company are getting increment every 3 months just because of some political reason. It seemed the wage system is collasping. And because of that, I think money has become a demotivating factor for me. What an irony!

I just hope whatever my final decision is, I will still uphold that principle not to be enticed by money whereever I go. I promised myself whereever I go, I will become a better person, more systematic, less emotional and more assertive. In short, to progress to the next stage of my life.

Cheers to my next chapter of life. :)

成长的决定

活了三十年，才晓得这一次，真的很难做决定。
我，已经摆脱了以往的潇洒，再也不在我行我素。
我想，我成长了。
可以从做决定的过程，看到自己的成熟。
我，应该开心。

原来岁月真的不饶人。
原来在岁月的蹉跎下，小妹妹也会变成小女人。
原来以往在意的一切，在认真地考虑下，也变得不重要了。
原来还有那么多的原来。
原来我真的长大了。

梦想与现实，往往都不能如愿以偿。
我晓得，无论我选择什么，
心还是会有一点点的疼。
脑子也不时会浮现许多的如果。
我晓得，那就是成长的代价。
我考虑的不再只是自己，更多时候是身边的人的感受。
我知道我选择了让我身边的人，少一点伤心，多一点开心。
我想我唯一能做的就只有这样。

面对我的决定，我会后悔吗？
我这样问我自己。
后悔，我想不会，不过会有一点遗憾吧。
遗憾，因为我始终没有走出去，去体验生活。
可是，如果我走出去，可能我会后悔。
后悔，因为我没有付出时间去陪我认为生命里最重要的人。

考虑了一年，有了这样的决定，
自己也不晓得用什么来形容自己的心情。
是责任，遗憾的交叠。
不是开心，也不是伤心。
我想，我还需要时间来调解心情吧。

成长的决定，原来会令心情那么复杂。

南丫岛之恋

从南丫岛回来了两个星期，心里还是一直念念不忘那了地方。
对我而言， 那两天的小歇， 是我自己的心灵之约。

很久以前，就向往着南丫岛。听说过她种种的美，种种的好，
现在终于有机会去探索她。
心，是平静的。

到中环乘搭渡轮到达后，第一件事就是解决住宿问题。
于是， 我找了一间靠大路的度假屋，开始一个人的旅程。
刚踏进房间时，有一点不习惯。
可能我的脑海里还停留在五星级的要求，
一时之间，转不过来。
渐渐的，我适应了，也开始喜欢上我那小小的房间。

安顿好了之后，我便在岛上四处逛逛。
很喜欢当时的感觉，到了南丫岛，我差一点就忘了我在香港。

傍晚的时分，我便到海边旁，走走坐坐，任由思绪地飞。
我只知道，我很享受当时的感觉，那种与事无争的感觉。
我，爱上了南丫岛。
爱上了她的朴素，她的宁静。

就这样，我在海边消磨了整个傍晚。
想起了我的未来，我得做的决定。
南丫岛之那么深刻，我想跟我的决定多少有点关系。
虽然不到最后一刻，我不想把决定说出来，
可是我的确是在那里思考了人生的一个重要的决择。
我想，我的人生也会因为这个决定而改变。

潜意识里，我不想把我的决定说出来，
也许因为我还有些不明确吧。
所以纵然母亲已经认定我已经放弃了我的公民权，
我始终不肯明确地回复她。
我，在等待什么，我也不知道。
希望在这两个月里，我会得到一些提示，
让我的意志力可以坚决一些。

在南丫岛里，也不时想起他。
说起来很奇怪，其实我已经放下了，
可是我们到过的地方，拥有的一切，
却不断地浮现。
我，也不晓得为什么。
我，想起了我们在海边那么地放肆地睡着了，
那一起去看萤火虫的日子。

最近，我才发现，纵然他有多么的不好，
可是他没有企图骗过我。
这一点，的确让我欣慰，虽然我晓得，
他也是无事不登三宝店。
至少，他让我看到最纯的一面吧。

再过两个星期，我又要重游南丫岛，
去完成我未完成的旅程。
这一趟的心灵之约，不晓得又会有什么样的启发呢？

我，依旧期待着。
期待着那还没被污染的心窗。

Health...Decision....Timing

Hmm, I am sitting all alone in Conrad Hong Kong thinking of the things that happened to me for the past few weeks/ months. Really, have been feeling very down. It is really unlike me. I guess we all have our ups and downs period. It just so happened I am at the valley now, hopefully I will perk up soon.

Sms one of my friend yesterday. She was asking about my decision to stay put or to venture down under. At this moment, I think I still do not have an answer for her. I hope after this weekend when I go into retreat at Lamma island, I will have a clearer picture. I told her the possibility of me staying put is higher partly due to family and partly due to health.

It is really ironical. I went on a dieting spree at the start of this year. In 6 months, I lost about 15kgs or close to. I thought I should have a clear bill when I went for a medical checkup. After all, I did not starve myself and I exercise regularly. There was no reason to have any problems. I felt good and physically fitter. Well unfortunately things did not always turn out as they expected to be.

When my medical report came back, I was diagnosed with elevated liver enzymes. It sounded so scary. Am I having some problems? I was confused. All along I never had any problems with my liver. What contributed to it? A check at the doc indicated that it was nothing worrying. It was a common aliment. But I did not feel at ease. Doc said it could be due to fatty liver. God knows what that means. To make matter worse, I saw that I had an abnormal borderline ECG. I have to admit I felt nervous during the ECG, but it seemed the doc just skipped through. Really puzzling. And yet the worst was yet to come. My menses came twice in 2 weeks. I got a shock of my life. Last time it would come every 3-6 months, and now twice in 2 weeks. I really had no idea what my body was coming to.

I had a chat with another good friend. She mentioned probably my body was too stressed up with all the exercising and stress from work. Probably i guess. I had been losing a lot of hair recently as well. So i guess my hormones were really unbalanced. Probably I really needed a long deserved break before I take off my next journey. I do not know.

It seemed like it was a sign to tell me that I should stay put. With my health in this stage, I did not think it was a good idea to venture down under when I could only depend on myself. I guess I am scared and worried at the time. I saw the agonizing look on my mother's face when I told her I had liver problem. It then dawned on me that I really could not bear to upset her anymore given her age. Perhaps for once, I should really consider her feelings and put her before me and stop her from worrying. It seemed like a test for me, to see how determined I was to go down under.

I think I have agonised over this issue long enough. It had been more than a year? I think. Everytime when I think I have made up my mind, something else would happen to sway my decision. This is really so unlike me. I guess as one grows older, their priorities in life changes. And i realise my biggest priority in life now is my mother at this moment. 3 years ago when I applied for my PR, things were so different. I wanted to venture out, to experience life, to be independent. But now, I am not so sure. I guess I had learnt the value and concept of time. I just do not want live to regret my decision for not being able to spend more time with my mother when I could.

At this stage, my mind is still like a whirlpool. There were simply too many things going on in my life. Hopefully after Lamma island, I could take some time to think things through there to decide what I want in my life. Whatever it is, I think I want to take a 1-2 months break, away from work, away from stress and truly enjoy the meaning of taking a break.

Hopefully things will turn out well for me.

Home Alone

Today marks the last day of me being home alone. How time flies. It has been 10 days since my folks left for holidays to Hokkaido and Sendai and I think I still have not made full use of the time being home alone. I guessed I was just to busy with my life as always.

Occassionally, it feels good to be home alone. I have the freedom in the world to "mess up" the house, to do whatever I wanted. I could get up at any time I wanted, and I could dish up any dishes whenever I felt like it. And of course, it feels good to enjoy the peace that is hardly evident in the house of mine as it was always full of people. But I guess the good things end here.

The bad things: I need to clean up the house after messing it up. Doing housework was never my forte. If there was any extra time, I would rather spending it surfing web or reading. However, as I promised my mother, I would be able to take care of the house and be a rare homemake for once. Every 2 or 3 days, I would need to wash my clothes. Washing clothes was not really difficult, but the difficult part is washing it without the washing machine. I knew I was being silly, trying to use the washing board, wasting precious time. But I guessed through doing it, I would truly appreciate my mother's efforts in keeping the house spick and span. Plus, my poor back acted up due to overexercise and on top of the housework, it was quite a tortue for me. After washing the clothes, then it was to mopping the floor and cleaning the dishes. These were quite light chores I guess. But the real challenge was how to keep the ants out of the house. Really had no idea where all the ants came from. I had to think of ways and means just to get rid of the different types of ants in the home. After all these housework and exercise time, I guess there was really only little time for me to enjoy. Sighz, I guessed I was not as good a time manager compared to my mother.

The other bad thing is when I needed somebody to talk to, I could not turn to anyone. There were just certain things that I did not like to talk to friends. I just got back my MRI scan reports. Results were not as optimistic as i hoped to be. There some collateral between my L4 and L5 and I needed to consult a specialist. No doubt I was worried. I wished my family especially my mother was there then to share the burden with me. It was then I realised I was not as strong as I thought myself to be, nor was I as independent. It dawned on me my mother was my pillar of strength all these while.

With this experience of being home alone, I really ought to think carefully if I wanted to live alone for the next 2 years in a foreign land. Things could be worse as besides my family, I would not have my friends with me as well. When I met a setback in life, I guessed my only soulmate would be my laptop. The thought of it made me quite pessimistic. Whatever it is, I guess I would have a decision by the time I come back from HongKong business trip.

And of course, I am looking forward to tomorrow where my folks will be back.

3rd May

3rd of May - Today marks the 14th anniversary of my "committing suicide" stint and to tell the truth, I am suffering from sore back at this moment. And I am trying to bring my posture straight. Time really flies, it has been 14 years since the incident happened.

14 years ago, on this particular fateful day, I jumped down from the second storey in school after being trapped in the school deliberately with another mate. She was the one who made me stayed back after school and we were up to some mischief then. However, only a few of my close friends knew about this incident. I still remembered the moment I jumped down, I landed on my butt and as a result, I suffered from compression fracture as the doctor labelled it. I was hysterical when I reached the hospital, worried that I would become paralysed. It was after when I was discharged from the hospital that did I realise, I was about 0.1mm away from paralysis. I still remembered the doctor used a thin thread and put in between the cracks and he told me, that was how close I was to lifelong paralysis.

At that moment, I did not know how to react. Happy that I could still walk and kick or sad that I had a chip off and I would suffer from backache for the rest of my life. One thing was for sure, it was the start of my hatred for my mate whom I think caused me to be in that predicament. It was the first time in my life that I had actually hated anybody. I hated her for causing me to be in a cast for 2 months and inconveniencing my family especially my mother. Because of her, I could not roam around as freely as I should and most importantly, I would be carrying this injury with me for the rest of my life. I sank into depression mode, I did not want to see anybody.

Anyway, I just remembered it took me 6 years to forgive her. Though we never quarrelled, I tried my best to avoid meeting her. Seeing her will remind me of my folly back then and I really regretted my decision to jump then. It was like my body was no longer perfect and I could not do strenous exercise. As a result, it made it very difficult for me to lose weight as there were lots of activities that I could not do. Even up to this date, I still try to avoid meeting her alone. Not that I still hate her, I just feel she was a jinx to me. Whenever we were together, something bad would have happened.

Up to this date, we still kept in touch, but no one has ever brought up this incident again. I am not sure how she felt bad then when she saw how badly injuried I was. I just rememebred when I was lying on the hospital bed, she was very guilty and apologised to me. I guessed we have just grown out of this incident. Perhaps, all along she felt a sense of guilt towards me, and never dared to bring up this incident. As for me, I think I took it quite badly at first. However as time progressed, I realised this incident made me a better person. I was truly able to understand the essence of forgive and forget. Indeed, it was very painful to hate somebody. It made me a very bad and negative person. I began to realise I had to be partly responsible for what had happened. Most of all, it brought on a lot of insights about myself.

I think that could be a turning point in my life. When everything was going too smoothly, sometimes you would not sit down and give it more thoughts. But when misfortune struck, you would dwell over it and try to understand why you were the chosen one. Throughout that six months I was in depression, I asked a lot of whys. I knew I could never be the same me again. That incident had forced me to grow up at a rate I did not want to. I had matured instantly at that period of life. It was the first time in my life that I went through a lot of emotional struggles and coming to terms with reality that I could not do some of the things (like roller blading) that others could do. That was acceptance of reality.

Anyway that was 14 years ago. Everything happened for a reason. At that instant, we would always question why. Looking back, I guess it was a way for me to grow up, to accept the harsh reality. Though I cannot say I am glad that this incident happened, I am just contented that it did not make me into a negative person. I could lose anything in the world, but the last thing I would want to lose is my positive outlook towards life. Hopefully the optimisim will accompany me for the rest of my life.

Cheers to 14 years of celebration.

Flying higher and higher

Work is taking its toll on me. I really cannot picture myself staying in this current job for any much longer. I think the boss really matters to me where work is concerned. I have to work for someone who I admired or at least respect for, otherwise I cannot feel motivated. Right now, I am counting down to the day that I will call it quits. It is another about one month before I will hand in that letter, meanwhile is all about endurance.

Sometimes, I really wonder, when did I really start losing my motivation? To be honest, I still like what I am doing currently, but there are just certain things that I cannot come to terms with. I guess it has something to do with principle. For example, I cannot tolerate the fact that when one of my staff is not performing, instead of being sent off, she was given an increment to boost her confidence. I am not sure what is the world coming to. Perhaps, being pretty really has its advantages in this world. I am just thankful that God has given me a brain instead of external beauty.

After leaving this place, I wonder where I will end up? Actually, at this point though I really wanted to try out Down Under, but there is still a possibility that I will give up on that piece of paper that cost me 6k. Just had a teleconversation with sis in the afternoon, she made me realise that the moment I leave, Mum will all alone at home. And I know, she is the only person and the only factor that will make me give up my dreams to explore overseas. If she just say it, I will stay. Filial piety is just part of the reason, I am just worried that if I leave, I will live to regret my decision. Everything has a time limit in this world and my mother is the last thing in the world that I would want to miss the time. Life is always such a dilemma. And I know, even though she do not want to see me leave, she still support my decision.

If things go smoothly for me, I wonder what can I expect in a foreign land? How will I combat my loneliness? And findng new friends, starting all over. All these questions keep spinning in my head everyday. And to tell the truth, this is one of the toughest decision that I have to make. For the past one year, I have been thinking to leave or not to leave. I know myself. If I go, no matter how harsh reality is to me, I will still survive and become a better person. If I stay, I will always wondered what would have happened if I left then....It seems if I choose to go, I should be flying higher than I will be now. Perhaps I could see all my shortcomings more clearly, I would grow up instantly and become a more mature and less emotional person.

Something happened today that made me realise that if I am the only person left to make my own decision, I have to be much tougher than I am now. When provoked, I am just too emotional and may make the wrong decision. I really have to take care of my emotional side in order to progress in life. Endurance is the word. Hopefully what I have realised today will be able to help me in my future decision makings.

Lastly, I just hoped what I am wishing for will come true. I am just praying very hard now. If that comes true, I will be very grateful for the chance given to me just like I cherished my opportunity for making my mark in this present company. I will make sure I grow to become a better and less emotional person.

Hopefully, everything will turn out well. Praying very hard.

三十了

刚从热浪岛度假回来，心情是平静的。
选择在那里庆祝生日，希望自己有一个好的开始。
终于， 三十了。
三十， 对我而言，是一个新的旅程。

曾经说过，三十是人生的另一个开始。
在十多岁时，每天不断地啃书，为了将来。
在二十多岁时，每天为了自己的前途打拼，为了寻找自己的梦。
在三十多岁时，不再彷徨，对自己的生活有了一定的目标，为了享受生活。

我想三十的我，开始变得不一样。

三十的我，少了年少的霸气，多了一份成熟。
年少的我，可以为了一丁点小事，翻天覆地。
三十的我，遇到任何的事，虽然还是会动火，但是多了一份分析，不再理直气壮。
这，就是岁月的蹉跎。
人，因为随着经验的累积，开始学习成长。
三十的我，终于长大了。

三十的我，开始对生活没有太多的要求。
才发现，原来简简单单地过活，也是一种美。
三十的我，开始发现家的重要。
才发现，原来岁月不饶人，看见身边的人慢慢地老去，很可怕。
才了解，多余的时间应该腾出来给身边最重要的家人。
三十的我，开始了解有个伴的重要。
才发现，一个人独自走完一生，太孤独了。
才发现，两个人一起走完一生，那才算圆满。

三十的我，还是不断地在学习做一个更好的人。
我虽然不完美，但我努力地做一个好人。
学习说话少一点，聆听多一点。
学习从不同的角度，去看待一件事。
学习要看开，不要把情义看得太重。
学习要放开，不要太多的自我防备。
学习要如何变得更有魅力，成为我想成为的人。

三十的我，将迈上另一个旅程碑，
希望每天都能不断地鞭策自己，
让我成为一个有内涵，有知识，有谈吐的成熟妇女。

为三十的我，干一杯！

谎言，欺骗

今天，心情乱糟糟的。
我也不知道怎么了。
我自己也无法解释。

今天，无意地打开Yahoo Messenger，
看到你的留言，问候我。
其实，心里是蛮开心的，
原来在国外的你，还会惦记我。
你和我说，你会去悉尼公干一个月，
而笨蛋的我，一点也没有对你的话质疑。

于是，看到你上网，便和你聊了几句。
你说，你昨日回来了。
我很惊讶，因为你最多只走了一个星期。
你说钱用完了，顿时，我心里有一种无法形容的感觉。

我不知道，我和你之间，到底怎么样形容。
我一直都把你当成是一个好朋友，
对你一直没有要求。
我只是希望你，能把我当成一个朋友，
对我坦诚。

似乎，我的这个要求也太过份了一点。
从我们的谈话，很多时候，我都觉得你好象在隐瞒着什么。
我不晓得是不是太多疑了。
太多太多的巧合，都让我觉得你对我不诚实。

今天，因为这件事，心情乱糟糟的。
原因不是因为我对你有要求，
或是有幻想。
而是，我不喜欢象猴子那样被耍。
我不喜欢被人欺骗，尤其是被我当成朋友的人。
经过这个事件之后，对你我也心灰意冷。
我不晓得有没有错怪你，
只不过，我想累了。
不想去想，不想去问。

也许，我们因为不同的文化，
不同的背景，所以想法不一样。
你曾经说过，我容易受骗，
所以我一直牢牢地记住。
也许，因为这样，你对我从来没有真诚过。
我想，就当是一个成长的教训吧。

成长，都是要付出代价的。

气馁

好久好久，没有对自己进行自我治疗。
以往，只要碰到什么不开心的事，
我不是去海边大声吼叫，
便是听张艾嘉那清晰的声音，来平静我的心情。
今天，我选择了万芳的专辑。

最近，觉得好气馁，做什么事都提不起劲。
不晓得是生理上，还是情绪上需要调养。
今天，碰了一鼻子灰，整个人好像要垮了。

首先，是被姐姐方飞机。
本来约好了要一起用膳，
却因为她的临时的一个会议而取消了。
她还是她，始终不曾说出一句“对不起”。
不晓得，何时何日，她才会衷心地和人道歉。
希望那一天，我不需要等太久。

然后，上司又和我说了一个坏消息。
香港的project又要延迟一个月。
听了之后，心情很差， 很气馁。
似乎他走马上任之后，没有一件事办得好。
我觉得我的motivation 不断地在减少，
不晓得我可以忍耐多久。
我一直告诉自己，一定要沉得住气，不可冲动。
希望，我真的做的到。

最近，我发现我的朋友越来越少了。
不晓得是因为我的心情不好，还是事实。
MSN 上长长的contact list，
可是想找人倾诉， 却找不到任何人。
一种很悲哀的感觉。
是我累了吗？

虽然最近常和他有联系，
可是我发现他还是在利用我。
所谓无事不登三宝店，
他常和我联系，无非是需要我帮忙。
真的感觉心灰意冷。
或许我们之间的感情，只是建立在能在我身上得到好处吧。

和你之间的情谊，
我想我也有点冷却下来。
我想，我累了。
不想去想，去猜测你有没有骗我。
从何你我之间的对话，
我觉得你似乎特意隐瞒一些事。
累了，我不想再多问，也不想再保持联络。
算了吧，散了吧。

看到同事们，我也觉得累了。
也许，很多时候，想法都不一样吧。
我不想一直留在comfort zone 里，
面对一群踏不出comfort zone 的人，
真的有点受不了，可是我却得逼自己接受。
有时候，真的想头也不回，就这样走出去。

最近的我，到底是怎么了？

成熟

最近刚和几个旧同事聚会，和他们聊起我的工作时，
其中一位同事觉得，我的处事待人成熟了。
事由因为最近上司请了一名漂亮的女员工，
虽然她的工作表现不好，态度还算不错。
我生气，不是因为她不好，而是上司请错人。

或许，这位同事是对的，在待人处事方面，我的确少了以前的霸气。
这三年来，在这间公司任职，让我放眼看天下。
这世界上没有永远的朋友，更没有永远的敌人。
刚出道时，只要我认为那个人的表现不理想，
我会毫不犹豫地给警告。
后来，我发现我真的不可以用自己的要求去衡量别人的表现。
毕竟，我们是不同的人。
说穿了，只是一份工作，没必要搞到再一次见面时，连朋友都没得做。

我想，这应该是成熟吧。

最近，我似乎有点想通了。
在旧老板离职之后，我一直有点替他打抱不平。
甚至到新老板上任之后，一直都在做比较。
毕竟，旧老板是我难得遇到的好老板。
所以，我一直很欣赏他。
渐渐地，我的视线越来越狭窄，也越来越爱做比较。
所以，一直很不开心。

我甚至想，离职之后，去投靠他，放弃自己的梦想。
最近我才发现，有些东西曾经遇过，就应该满足了。
做人应该往前看，不应该一直停留在过去的时光。
更不应该为了欣赏的人，放弃自己的梦想。
如果这样，我以后一定会后悔，
更会走不出旧老板的影子。

不晓得， 这样算成熟吗？
还是领悟呢？

无论如何，路还是要自己走出来，
不应该被别人左右着。
虽然我不晓得，我会不会再一次遇到我欣赏的上司，
可是毕竟是我的选择。
无论结果如何，路上的风风雨雨，
应该会陪伴我成长， 成熟。
也会把我推向我更想成为的人——
一个成熟，有内涵，有谈吐，有魅力的女人。

希望我真的可以成为我想成为的女人。

Taken for granted

Let me start off with a cheery mood though i think i had a bad week. Yes, finally i hit the target i set for myself abeit one week late. Anyway, it feels good. Finally, i understood the meaning of zig zag diet. Yes, i learnt something important too, never give up halfway, no matter how hard the road is. I think that is one of the good things that happened to me this week apart from Grandma's birthday which i took lots of pictures. I was being sentimental because I know next year this time, i would be in a foreign land alone, lonely. So i need all those beautiful moments to be captured.

Something happened this week that made me realise we tend to take things for granted and i truly learnt a lesson, a lesson that i will remember, not to send out emails late in the middle of the night and most importantly, face to face converstaion is always better than technology.

It so happened that another fren of mine and myself would be in HK around the same time. So we planned to go trekking on sat. As we were ambitious, we decided to do 2 treks, one in the morning and one in the evening. Having that kind of plan, we thought we would do with a dinner at the peak and then a good night sleep in my hotel. After the morning trek, we would check in to her hotel and followed by the evening trek.

It was at this moment we received news that two of our old time frens would be joining us. And we did have a some problem with accommodation. For sat, it was all right as my fren's hotel could accommodate 4 persons, but i had a slight problem with 4 in my hotel if sat was going to be a busy day. At first, i tot it would be good to have all 4 in the hotel, we could have an all night out. After much consideration, i tot it would be better for the 2 gals to get a hotel due to the long journey ahead on sat.

Hence, having discussed with my fren, i wrote an email in the middle of the night and listing down some of the hotels and logistics stuff. Happily i tot everything was settled, and i tot everyone should be happy and everyone would take the content of my email as it is. Alas, i was wrong, very wrong.

That very morning when the email was sent, i received a "weird" sms from one of the gals. She is considered a close fren who knew me well enough. She asked if i was uncomfortable with 2 idiots tagging along. From that message i knew, somebody misinterpreted my message. Oh my god. Then my fren agreed, said the content of the email could be misleading. It was better to talk face to face though she knew i did not have that kind of intention to make people feel unwelcome. So at that moment, it dawned on me that i was being too curt in the email. I wished i have re-read the email before hitting the send button. It was never never my intention to mean the other way in the email. I felt i had taken our friendship for granted, that everyone knows me well enough to know my intention in the email.

That very evening i called the gal who sent me the sms. She told me she was not in anyway affected by my email. She knew of my good intentions when she read the email becos she knew me well enough. But she cant say the same for the other gal. She tot she was imposing on me. I cant blame the other gal. It was ten odd years we knew each other, but we were not that close and thus which led her to interpret the email the other way. After ending the first call, i called her immediately to explain the whole scenario. I felt it was important to clear up the whole misunderstanding as i valued all their friendship a lot and it was not worth it to fall out because of one small misunderstanding. This gal was apologetic as well. She felt she din inform us earlier that both of them were bunking in. Actually, i kept assuring her it was all right. Both of us were not in the least imposed. Just that the logistics we had to settle before they reached HK.

After the call, i felt so much better. It was a bad feeling to be misunderstood really. I was lucky that i managed to resolve it in time, otherwise i think everyone will be unhappy during the trekking. I also learnt an important lesson. Do not rely on technology tool to convey messages especially important ones that are personal related. They do not have tone and it is easy for the messages to go the other way. Lastly, do not take anyone for granted especially people who have been close ard you. It is always good to exercise some form of repsect between frens.

Hopefully the 4 of us can enjoy the trek in HK and make it memorable.

Searching blog

It is another Sunday, tomorrow Mr Xie Ting Feng will be coming back from Bali, wonder how he will spin off another new story with his Zhang Bo Zhi...haha. Anyway, I cannot be bothered, just counting down. This week i hit another plateau. I am taking it better than the previous time, maybe the first time is always the most difficult. Once you crossed that barrier, you will know how to handle yourself better. Whatever it is, I am not going to give up. There is always a tomorrow. :D

Met up with an old friend last Saturday. The meeting was spun off because she felt I was having some relationship problem. My vietnamese friend mentioned about transitting to my homeland and suggested a possible meet up. Anway, I am not too keen in meeting up. Actually at this point in time, I still do not know how to define our relationship. To me, it is definitely not love because I do not have that kind of strong feelings I once experienced before. My dear friend thought my love world had blossomed once again. I guess I am at ease with myself now, not having any expectations in romance. Truly, I am happy and contented. My only wish is I can get hold of a decent job Down Under. The rest can wait.

Anyway, it was a good meet up, catching up on each other's life. That is what old friends gatherings are meant to be. Just before we parted, she mentioned about a blog. Yes, a blog. It got me excited. Well, there is always a curious side of us, isn't it? Actually i have only read one blog that is written by a fren and i do not have a habit of reading other people's blog. But since she mentioned, i guess she is hesitating to tell me something (my imagination ran wild.....) Maybe she wanted to tell me something she could not put across, or maybe she just wanted to share her thoughts with me. I do not which, but the curiosity got the better of me and the very night itself, i started searching for her blog.

Come to think of it, i had known her for 10 odd years, but we have maintained a safety distance. During the progress of searching, suddenly i realised i did not really know her that well. I am an IT professional, and being equipped with the necessary skills, it is not difficult to track somebody down. But in order to do that, you need to at least know something about your target. For me, i tried a variety of terms that i could associate to her, but no luck. After 2 hours, i had to resort to sms for clues. In the end, it was one of the title of her posts that saved the days. When i finally found the blog, i realised her nick was something she mentioned to me many years ago (i got a fantastic memory). We were both fans of Wong Kar Wai and that was the last thing that could dawn on me to be her nick. I guess i really got to "relearn" things about this fren of mine.

I think at this juncture, my dear fren is still searching hard for my blog. Honestly, this blog was meant to be kept secret. I did not reveal my blog to anyone because that was the only way i could be honest with myself when i write. If i know somebody that knows me is reading this blog, at times i will take into considerations and write things that is not the "real" me. To me, that defeat the purpose of blogging. At least up till now, i can say all the posts here were written without any considerations of anyone's feelings, at least i been truthful to myself. Hopefully even when she managed to find my blog, i am still able to write using my real feelings.

I guess it is good to blog about your thoughts. Everyone, no matter how many friends you have, you are still you and it is the truth that none of your friends can ever see the true side of you. What they can is just to see part of the true you. By writing down your thoughts, you can see your own true self and it is through these that you reflect, progress, mature and become a better person. For me, bloggging is a way to relieve my thoughts though in recent years i have not been thinking that much. It is a way to tell me I am still a good person though in real life, many people see the "mask" i have been wearing and i feel most of the times i been wearing a very ugly mask. I guess that is just a way of hiding myself behind a shell. I do not like people to know too much about me.

Anyway for my dear fren, i hope you will continue to blog, to share your thoughts with me. We have progressed to different stages in life, so sometimes it is difficult for me to understand your thoughts. At this moment, i m still pursuing my dreams while you have decided to put your feet on the ground. Hopefully things will turn out fine for us. If things become difficult, endurance is the word.

Finally....:D

Well, it has been a crazy week since i came back from Hong Kong last week. Looks like my weekend is going to be work work work. I hate that idea. The thought of it really puts me off. I have started to work later than usual. The feeling of unbalance is coming back. No good. I guess I did not have a good week this week.

Ok, something to rejoice about is I have finally hit below 60kgs. Yes, cheers to myself, all the hardwork has finally paid off. The sweat, the pain, the ache all of it. For the past 10-15 years, I have never seen myself hit below 60kgs. The closest I came was 61.5 about 2-3 years back. Anyway, when i got back from Hong Kong, i was just glad my efforts paid off. Before I left for my business trip, I was praying hard that I would just maintain my weight. I was close to 60kgs then. When I reached Hong Kong, it was really tough on me. First of all, Hong Kong was a food paradise. It was dim sum, my favourite and all the good desserts all around the corner. Secondly, I was on business trip, so the users at Hong Kong had to do their part to entertain us. So it was good food all 3 meals. I decided that should be stopped. So in order not to miss out the shopping, I went to gym every morning at 630 am. I thought that was really crazy of me. Luckily, this trip I was quite free that I could wake up at 6 every morning to go gym.

My typical schedule when i was in HK. At 6 am i would be awaken by the ever reliable mobile alarm. After some battle to get out of the bed, I would rush to boil water so that I could get a cup of hot tea before i ran down to the gym. Jason said hot tea would help me to burn faster, increased my metabolism. After that, it was about 1.25 hour at the gym. Then i would rush up again and prepared myself for work. That included showered and touching up and I would rush down to meet my ever early colleagues.

Actually I amazed my colleagues. They could not believe that i could actually get up at 6am everyday to go gym. Well, when i wanted to do something, my determination would be so strong that it beat everything. They feel i m depriving myself. Actually to me, that is a challenge in life. It shows that if i wanted to acheive something in life, i can go all out to do it. It tells me that in life, nothing is too difficult for me if i have the determination. Honestly, i do not feel deprvied at all because after every session of gym, i feel so good that my whole body is energised. It is something not many people can understand i supposed.

I feel i am still going strong. After this sunday, i m going for the ultimate challenge. My last 30 days challenge to reach the ultimate weight i have set for myself when i started on the personal training programme. Even if i do not reach the target i set, I think i can be proud of myself for all the achievements that I have had. My friends who had not seen me for a long time was shocked to see me losing so much weight. The people in the office told me i have to get tighter clothes and some old time friends were urging me to stop losing weight. But i m not really to call it quits yet. 4-5 kgs and yes i think i can safely say i should be there. And finally, i will never ever get the fats that i lost back.....is a promise to myself.

It feels so good to lose weight. My mind is strong, my training is intense and my nutrition is on the right track.

写万芳

昨日，和友人去看了于台烟和万芳的“好情歌”说唱会，
找回了那种好久已经没被感动的感觉。
直到现在，心情还无法平息。
我想，就如万芳说的，
如果把回忆放在脑袋里，回想起来，也会是一部很美的画面。

万芳的歌，其实陪伴了我无尽的岁月。
早在中学时代，就被她的歌声迷倒。
天生有着一副好嗓子的她，
却不曾大红大紫，
给我一种怀才不遇的感觉，
不禁怜惜她。

第一次看到她的现场表演，
是在十年前的一场校园演唱会。
第一次听到她的清唱，
深深地被她的声音迷住了。
再听到她的说话与举止，
我觉得她又是另一个有内涵的女人。

于是，我一等再等，
一等就是十年。

这一次再见到她，
又再一次被她的歌声迷倒了。
她是一个很专业的歌手，
歌唱时，全情投入。
我想她的歌声之那么动人，
多少与她的投入有关。
她要求台下的观众不要拍照，
因为闪光灯会影响她的情绪。
观众们，因为她的投入，也很听话。

她一开口说话，和她歌唱的时候，
是截然不同的人。
歌唱的她，歌声非常有爆发力，
说话的她，就好像一个小女人，很有魅力。
我还记得，她说，她好久没来了。
大家都成熟了，都长大了。
她说，就像她的“Fly Away" 歌词里，
想要成熟就要接受不完美。
多么发人省醒的一句话。
是的，从第一次听这首歌到现在，
我已经长大了，已经成熟了。
而如她说的，我也接受了生活的许多不完美。

她说，当她唱“试着了解”时，
台下经常有许多人在哭。
说真的，当她唱那首歌时，
的确触动了我的心灵。
眼泪也在眼睛里打滚。
我想我想起了他。
和他的无所不谈，到最后的无话可说，
我都试着了解。
我想，就如歌词里唱的，
他的喜悲，都不想我陪，所以我试着了解。
之前我就很喜欢这首歌，
可是在一次听到万芳诠释这首歌时，
又有另一番风味。

我想，万芳是除了张爱嘉， 刘若英之后，
我欣赏的另一个有内涵的女子。
虽然她不认识我，可是我希望她一切都好。
希望如她所希望的，每天都睡得好，吃得好。
天天都开心。
祝福你。

谢谢你，因为你的歌，
让我找回那很久没被感动的感觉。

香港篇 （于Excelsior Hotel)

终于到了香港。这是我的第三个站，也是最后一站。
感触很多，一直在倒数着离家的日子，离开熟悉的一切。

这是我第二次到香港，其实并不喜欢香港。
原因是应为太热闹了，不适合度假的心情。
这是我第一次到香港工干。
我发现其实， 香港人都很勤劳。
原来，香港比较适合公干的心情。

这次来到香港，意外地太空闲。
于是，我便到处走走逛逛。
才发现，香港的服务水平真的比新加坡高。
也发现香港的夜生活，的确比新加坡精彩。
就趁这最后的两天，
好好地感染她的朝气蓬勃。
让我好好地记住在香港的那轻松心情。

香港那冷冷的天气，
那懒洋洋的心情，
那充满人群的街道，
那数不尽的美食，
我都要一一地记下来。
因为我不晓得这会不会是我最后一次的公干。
我一定要把公干的心情都记下来。

Weighing Machine

Hmm, it is another grey week for me. It seems the effort put in and the results of the weighing machine do not tally again. :(

Eversince i started on my PT (personal training) program, i have been weighing myself consistently. Sunday thus has became the day that i love and hate. The mixture of feelings when i stand on the dreaded weighing machine. The feelings i think is like a prisoner sentenced to the gallows. If it is a good week, i would feel like a prisoner that had been granted appeal. If it is a bad week, the feeling is like counting down to my deadline.

I would say it is really emotional draining. It seemed i hit another plateau again. I have been at this weight for 2 weeks. Not sure if the CNY has anything to do with it. When i looked back at the food diary, actually, this week i have been eating more than the normal. Shouldn't i be feeling happy that i managed to maintain my weight?

Actually to be honest, i have been making good progress apart from the figures from the weighing machine. My clothes are much looser, i feel stronger and my body is more toned. But, the facts and figures do not tally and i need to do something to lift myself out of this plateau.

In another one week, i will be off for business trip again. Really dread business trip because it means i will be out of sync on my diet and exercise plan. Hmm, when can i go below sub 60? I remembered one of my goals is to go below that sub 30 for my waistline. I have achieved that rather easily, but it was much more difficult for my weight.

Though it was emotional draining and demoralising, i am not ready to call it quits. There is always a tomorrow. I remembered there is a saying: Just keep working out, and you will get out of the plateau soon. This week, i think i have to review my plans with my trainer. It seems like for 2 weeks, i m getting nowhere. Hmmm.

Hopefully, next week will be a better week for me. Give myself a break on mon and thu. Cheer up, one day i will be there as long as i believe in my convictions. Hopefully the dreaded feeling of the weighing machine will soon go away.

Books

Happy Chinese New Year to all those who celebrate the occasion. It had been a good new year I must say. Probably I did the Chinese New Year with 'heart' this year. When you put your heart to something, the outcome is always different.

Anyway, it is said that Green is my lucky colour these few days. So Green it shall be. Was in a pretty relaxed mode probably due to the long weekend that has just passed. Went for a short progressive run today. Feeling quite all right. After the run, i decide to run down to the bookstore and grab a few books. Haven been reading for a while.

Actually, i had a few books in mind before i step ino Kino. Well, my first attempt failed. It was a Chinese novel by Rene Liu. The book went out of stock. No doubt I was disappointed, but perhaps it was just not meant to be. But, i will be back for the book, I promised. As i was browsing the Psychology section, I chanced on the Art of War. Actually, I have been eyeing on this book for a long time. I always felt i was too emtional at times during work. I ought to read some strategy book to improve myself. When i saw this book, i think it was fated. Without second thoughts, I grabbed it. I think I will start reading it tomorrow when i m bound for work.

I still had 2 books in mind. It was recommended by a guy whom i held high respect for. The first was The Tipping Point. After reading the synopsis, it sounds like an interesting book. Another kind of book that offers a different perspective to things. It is a pretty old book, published back in 2001. Back then, i have not appreciated the essence of readng. As you grow older, you tend to become more indoors, i guess. The second book has to do with Economics. It is called Freakonomics. Frankly, i am not really interested in reading serious book about analysing the economy, how to get rich etc, how to manage your finances. But this book caught my attention because it was written in a rather hiliarious way. So i grabbed these two as well.

Finally back to the Psychology section. Was contemplating on grabbing a book on Stumbling on happiness. I decided otherwise. Give myself a break. After i finished all these books, maybe i will make another trip down to Kino. Take it as a chance to reward myself.

It is really funny that i begin to read more as i grow older. Wonder if that is a sign of aging. I used to hate reading, it had more to do with my character. I was like a wild horse that had to be on the run all the time. Reading, to me is a sign of weakness, a sign of timidness, being indoors. Alas, as i grew older, i realised i have to read to improve myself. Maybe the wild horse has became an old horse that needed rest. Whatever it is, i am enjoying every bit of my new found hobby.

Indeed, it has been a fruitful day, stay happy.

p.s. received a very weird yahoo message just before i knocked off from a fren in Hanoi. Not sure what went wrong for him today, whatever it is, i hope he will be happy and stay strong. Is a pity i cannot be with him all the time, but i m rooting for him always.

新年快乐

今天是年除夕，心情很好。
也许，因为离家的日子越来越近了，
所以，我选择开心地渡过每一天，尤其是新年。

今天，我起得很早，吃了早点，便去跑步。
然后，我便开始准备团圆午餐与晚餐。
从十一点钟开始煮，一直到三点钟，我们才开始吃。
虽然很累，但很有成就感。
我想，我会一直记住这个新年，我当时的心情。
今天，我终于用“心”过新年了。

今天，也收到很多朋友的简讯。
感觉很好，原来有那么多朋友记得我。
也许，其实我们认识的人往往比自己知道得多吧。
我想，收到祝福是一件开心的事吧。

今天，很意外地收到远方的你的祝福。
那种感觉，是意外，窝心和兴奋的交叠。
昨日在和你连线，和你互相道贺新年。
我和你说了今天的团圆饭情景。
我和你说，如果你在的话，那该多好。
我想，唯一能感觉你在我的身边，就是传简讯给你。
你说你不能传给我，只能接受。
臭小子，竟然给了我那么好的惊喜。
其实，我真的没有想到你会回复，真得让你破费了。

今天，在跑步的当儿，想起了你。
我想，在2006年，最好的一件事，就是认识了你。
我想起我们的关系。
虽然我们的谈话都很“亲密”，
可是我真的只是把你当成一个朋友，一个知己。
虽然我们的谈话总离不开hugs, kissess and misses，
可是我觉得是两个好朋友的沟通方式。
我想，我们的关系蛮微妙的。
对你，我没有要求，所以我永远不会有失望。
希望，我们这样的关系，可以常常久久。

今天，感觉很好，已经好久没有那么at ease 了。
希望来临的猪年，大家一切都好。
大家身体健康，平安快乐。
我对自己的展望，只希望自己会开心，不要奢求什么。
祝大家新年快乐。

情人节

今年的情人节，和往年一样，过得很平淡。
上了kickboxing 课之后，收到好友的简讯。
我们都习惯在这么一天，庆祝友情节。

回了简讯之后，在回家的途中，我想起了身边“亲密”的人。
和友人已经步入第十个年头的友情。
我一直很庆幸，这十年里，一直有她的陪伴。
我何得何能， 今世能遇到一个那么志同道合的知己。
从她的身上，我学会了，即使有聪明的头脑，还是可以选择简单的生活。

思绪飞呀飞的，想起在远方的你。
情人节那天，你没有上网。
我想，可能你正和你亲密的爱人渡过吧。
我一直都不相信，你是孤家寡人一个。
今天，和你连线了。
第一句话，就是你想我。
对我来说，那很窝心，可是我也不觉得是真的。
可能，距离太远了，所以是真是假，我也无法分辨。
我的安全感又在作祟了。
我说我不信，你竟给我一个心碎的脸。
哈。

我想我很享受这样的沟通方式。
一种没有约束，没有期望的友情。
我的确是蛮想念我们相遇的那一段日子。
虽然很短，可是那感觉很好。
所以，我觉得认识你，很开心。
和另一个人比较下，我会比较愿意和你保持联络。

情人节，也想起了他。
他很久没找我了。
对我而言，他已经过去了。
很庆幸，我们还能保留这段友谊。
我始终觉得，他伤害了我。
不过，伤口已经痊愈了。
所以，不再排斥，不再逃避。

那天，和好友聊起他。
好友已经对他失去兴趣。
好友对你比较有兴趣。
哈。

和好友说，那一天和他一起出席婚宴。
散场时，我独自回家。
意外地受到他的简讯，要我到家时，回他简讯报平安。
我觉得莫名其妙，不过礼貌上还是回了。
他，竟然回复我。
那一刻，我想那个简讯迟了整整四年。
好友觉得，这个人很奇怪。
不时忽冷忽热。

当时，正在琢磨是否要和他说我即将离别。
后来，觉得真的没这个必要。
该了断的，已经在四年前就了断了。
我又何必节外生枝呢？

想起他，常常都有种无奈的感觉。
我想，我要的爱情真的不是这样。
我希望我想起某人时，
会是开心的， 窝心的。
纵然没有结果，我也心甘情愿。
我不想一直记住自己被另一个人伤得有多深。
所以，我决定让他随风而逝。

明年的情人节，我会在那里呢？
希望会有不同的收获。

窝心的感觉

今天，又再一次和你连线了。
感觉好窝心。
你问我，有没有想念你。
其实，我有注意到你这几天都没有上网。
如果，那算是想念，我想应该是有吧。

我觉得和你聊天，是一种很棒的感觉。
可能，我对你已经没有期望，
所以就不会有失望。
也因为我们的距离，
所以我想我们可以做聊天的朋友。

你说过几天又会带新加坡团。
我想，你因为新加坡而认识了我，
因为我，对新加坡有着一股亲切感。
你又会借着新加坡团，想起我们短短的日子。

我只能说，那段日子很短，但很美。
它，已经成为我记忆的一部分。
那天看到河内的照片，
又想起那一段日子。
真的好想回去。

我知道，我始终要面对现实。
真的，希望我们能再见面，
更希望我们能永远保持那窝心的感觉。
祝福你！

安全感

今天，心情不是很漂亮。
又再为公事而懊恼。
于是，我决定，应该是放轻松的时候了。

那天，去观赏了《生日快乐》，由一股被感动的感觉。
我想，我哭了。
为了男女主角的爱情，我哭了。
我想，当谈到情感时，我还是容易被感动的。

看到小米，我觉得看到自己。
忽然间，我才恍然大悟。
原来，自己对爱情，一直都没有安全感。
我不知道，我是否可以和一个人常想厮守。
所以，我一直徘徊着。
在情人节来临之际，我还不能明确地说出我是否想settle down。
很悲哀。

小南送小米手机的那一幕， 依然很清晰。
小米拒绝小南，因为她不想当她想他时，却找不到他。
我想，我也是这样的一个人。
我一直不喜欢拨电话给人，因为我不喜欢那种想找人聊天，却是空等待。
久而久之，就养成和自己说话的习惯。
小米要和小南做，比情人还要好的朋友。
我，能了解。
小米不希望有一天会和小南分开， 不希望为他伤心落泪。
做好朋友，因为没有要求，所以就不会吵架，就不会分开。
这，也是我。
小米，不希望自己的世界里，多了一份爱情，也多了一份忧伤。

看了这部电影之后，有点心碎。
小米，因为自己的安全感，而错过了真正爱她的人。
我，不晓得有没有因为我的安全感，而错过真正爱我的人？
还是因为我的安全感，而举起不定呢？

希望，我能对爱情有多一点点的信心。
希望，在新的一年里，能找到愿意守护我的人。
如果有，我一定不让我的安全感作祟。

Pineapple Tarts

Chinese new year is coming. From the part of the world that I come from, everyone is in festive mood. It is the most celebrated festival in my country. Shops will be closed and most people will be visiting their relatives.

Honestly, i do not really like Chinese New Year because it is so boring. Shops are closed, no food available except fast food restaurant. That is the only time in my country that you will have problem finding something decent to eat, except fast food. And for New Year's visiting, it seemed like a routine to me. But i think this year, i felt different because it will be my last Chinese New Year before i depart for Australia to achieve my dreams. Somehow, i tend to take it in different stride, i wanted to remember every part of the last Chinese New Year I have here before i leave.

Look at the pineapple tarts in the picture, don't they looked professinal like what was sold in the markets? This year, I made them myself. I went over to an ex-colleague's house to learn the skills from her. Yesterday, i spend the whole day making them and thank God it turned out well. But, i had a few arguments with Mum during the process. I think I am still me, still so hot headed. Even so, Mother tend to forgive their children easily. I was feeling guilty though for shouting. When i m on my bad day, everything will tend to come out. So i must try to restrain myself.

Come to think of it, I think i will miss my country a lot when i leave, especially Chinese New Year when we have reunion dinner, and we would play mahjong till dawn the next day wif my siblings. Next year this time, I suppose i will be alone in a foreign land, missing them badly. But i know, that will only make me stronger, and one day I will be back again.

安慰

那天，和你连线了。
是开心，也很安慰。
我对你，已经不再思念了。
我知道，我已经把你当成一个朋友来看待。
也许，回来一个月了，
渐渐地，我也回到现实。

给你看了我的网上的照片，
很安慰你还记得我们的一起合拍的那唯一照片。
你说，你很失望，没看到那张照片。
我始终不想，把它放上网。
总觉得，那是我一个很美的回忆，
所以想私人收藏。

你和我要了那张相片，
说已经做成wallpaper。
我觉得很搞笑。
无论如何，和感谢你停流过。

也许，人越老越会珍惜身边的人与物。
但愿我们能再一次相见吧。

Demoralised....

The colour explains my mood today, demoralised. I started on a high note, but i was badly demoralised today, wounded. Today marks the 3rd week of my PT. I was counting previously, i lost 2kgs in 2 weeks. With the rate i was going, i tot i should reach my first short term goal within this week. Alas, i was wrong. This week, my week remained stagnant, I did not lose any kg at all. What had happened?

I am not sure what i have done wrong. Could it be because my body got use to the exercise routine? Could it be because my menses are coming and i have water retention that contribute to the wt? Could it be i was eating too much outside food that i exceed my carbo intake daily? Could it be i had built up muscles and muscles weigh more than fats which explained the stagnant in weight? I had too much questions on my mind...it all boils down to why? Why was there no weight loss? Nothing could explain my disappointment.

I am not sure if it is a jinx. Usually, after i lost the 2nd kg, i will hit a plateau and i would start putting on weight. I certainly hope this is not happening. Whenever i announced to my fren that i had lost 2kg, i would start gaining all of them back. Is that happening now? I got really paranoid. My aim is to be 62kg or 60kg by chinese new year. However, the results this week really demoralised me. I feel so lousy.

I think i must review what i did last week. Not sure if it was due to too many unhealthy food i had. Whatever it was, i took salad with no carbo, so that should not be the case. Maybe this week, i would try to vary my exercise routine. By carrying more weights, challenging myself to the limits. I had been too lenient on myself, letting myself go if i cannot lift the weights. This week, i promised myself, no outside food, i will increase my intensity of weight training and i will start on progressive run and more variety of crunches.

I remember i still have 2 goals to fulfill. To achieve a sub 50 kg weight and to be a normal person. I cannot give up now, i must perserve....focus focus focus. Hopefully things will turn out to be better next week. Hopefully, i can make up for this week, by losing 2kgs in the next week. I will try to get down to some activity if time permits tmr.

Please do not disappoint me, i m not taking any shortcuts and i m working hard, please let me see the results i desire.......meanwhile i will continue to work hard. I will do anything to lose to the weight that i desire.....

Perservance......

Work is starting to pile up.....no good. In lousy mood today. Cant solve the layout of one report and had to rush back to work after kickboxing...nevertheless, now is my rest time, leave the work behind me.

In another 20 min, i have 24 days to my deadline. I am reminding myself everyday, i need to perk up, beef up. I hope i can lose another 2kgs in another 24 days. Doesnt seem like a hard feat i guess, but i am just taking it slowly. Everyday, i will minus one day from my msn, in that way, i will constantly remind myself how far i m from my deadline.

Deadline makes pp work harder i guess. In 2 weeks, i dropped 2kgs, so what is 2kgs in another 24 days. After the 24 days, i have to shed another 8kgs in another 8 weeks. Honestly, that is my aim and i m trying hard to stay focus. I had a lot of temptations at work, thanks to a nice bunch of colleagues. Choclates from Beligium, cakes, ang gu kueh, everyday they will come up wif different deliciaces to tempt me. Of course, i wun give in. I am well-known for my determination. Perhaps i should have set bigger goals, i shld aim to drop another 3kgs in another 24 days. I should not been too kind to myself. I shld learn from Jason, to try and challenge the machine. This friday, i am gg to slowly build up my progressive sprinting and making the neurons connect to my limbs.

I think i will perserve this time round. Time is running out for me, so i have no excuses to lag back on my timeschedule. Actually, i feel i am very fit now. Think i have never been fitter than now. And i can feel my agility is improving and so is my strength. For once, i really kept a close watch on my diet. I did not have rice for the 3rd week in the row. I remember in the past, i always gave myself excuses, but now no more. I am going to follow strictly, low carb, moderate protein, moderate fat. If i want to succeed, i have o perserve.

Here is a typical schedule: Monday - light run for 20 min. Tue - gym workout, Wed - kickboxing, Thu - Rest, Fri- gym workout, Sat- rest, Sun- Swimming cum running. With that kind of workout and diet, i think i should be able to lose weight.....more than anything. Right now, my mind is pretty focus on food and workout. I want to make my case a success story. I promise myself, if i do lose to the weight i wanted, i will write down my story how i made it, how to lose weight and most importantly, how to stay healthy.

Most importantly for now is to stay focus, and perserve and achieve my targets set....i still have 24 days to go.

Meeting Up

Well, life has been good to me so far in 2007. No longer am I spending my time during the weekend on work. I guess my resolution has started working, i am not going to work unnecessarily. Really, life has more meaning than only just work. Just met up wif a few old frens last thursday. Hmm, it was a good meeting i must say. One of the frens is someone whom i have not spoken to / seen for over 10 odd years, after we left secondary school.

So the 4 of us were trying to catch back the old times. I had a feeling it was like a church session, everyone sharing their stories on how life has been to them over the years. One thing is for sure, age is catching up with us, but like i told the rest, we are just about to embark the best part of life, so we should learn to embrace it. To me, 0-10 years is growing up, 10-20 is pursuing your studies, 20-30 is finding out what you want in life. 30-40 is to enjoy your fruit of labour and 40 onwards you should learn to take things easy.

There were some shocking relevations during the gathering though. My buddy fren in secondary school finally admitted she is a lesbian. I thought that was really brave of her. All along I have suspected her to be one of them, but I never have the guts to ask her. I feel happy for her to come clean with it, it means at least she is accepting herself for who she is. That i thought, is a new chapter in life. For another fren, it was a up and down time over the last few years. She had a failed relationship, parents ended up in divorce, her work is not getting recognition and her sister is diagnosed with schizio. However, a miracle happened to her. She was knocked down by a car and she was totally unhurt. To her, that is God's calling to her and she became devoted to God, working part time and serving him at the same time. Honestly, I guess I cannot really understand because I have heard many such cases, but have yet to witness it myself. Perhaps it is really the Lord's doing, but I did feel she was a bit of an extremist and I have to admit I did feel sorta of uncomfortable, but well we all have our own beliefs.

The third fren of that day came a long way wif me. We been in the same ECA and we sorta of support each other in ECA. She is a teacher now and really, looking at her gives me some sort of hope. She is one of the few persons whom i know that really got a passion for teaching and for that I admire her. Like me, she had a simple life, learning to be happy each day. The funniest thing i could remember from her that day was her encounter wif SDU's speed dating. She told us, there were abt 20 guys and 20 girls sitting on one side of the table each. Each has 3 min to intro themselves. And every 3 min, they would switch places. And at the end of it, she would have to submit a piece of paper on which guy she would love to meet. She told us she submitted a blank piece of paper because she was so tired after the whole thing. I find it very hilarious.

I guess over the years, we definitely have met some setbacks in life and we have wallowed and mellowed. For myself, i have a fair share of life experiences. An unrecipocrated relationship, a mudane job, the period of time living in black box, I do not think i have it easy over the years too. Though so, I do believe that having a strong state of mind, i will be able to pull through a lot of things. Yes, I have been unhappy over a lot of things, but I guess i can choose to learn from it and learn to be happy. Happiness is actually a state of mind, isnt it?

Looking back, I think I have grown wiser by all the different encounters in life. It was great meeting up with the folks, to look at how pple cope wif their differences in life and coming to terms with who they really are. Like i say, now is the best part of our life, coming to terms wif all the decisions we have really made. For that, I am grateful to God for He has made me appreciate myself more and I will strive to learn more as the day goes by.

夕阳无限好，只是近黄昏

夕阳无限好，只是近黄昏。从河内回来后，我忽然间有这样的感觉。也许在Halong Bay 看到的夕阳，给了我许多的启示，或许回来两个星期后，心情逐渐恢复平静。时间，永远都不会对我撒谎，永远是我最真实地提醒。

刚回来时，还每天都和你聊着。虽然我早已经知道，我们很快就会断线。最令我醒悟的是那一天，我和你说我不喜欢洋人， 而是亚洲人， 尤其像你这样有头脑的人。你不信，说因为你穷，生活水准低，我不会看上你。

我想，我就是那么的另类。我欣赏的人，通常都是有头脑的，生活富不富裕反而是其次。也许因为自己穷过，所以没把金钱看得那么重。很可惜，我们的相遇地点在河内，如果是在本地，或许我们会有下文。因为你的那一番话，让我不再抱任何的希望，毕竟我们是活在不同世界的人。

夕阳无限好，只是近黄昏，我觉得这样形容我们的关系很贴切。表面看起来，感觉很悲观，其实我是抱着乐观的态度看待这一次的缘分。虽然我们见面的日子很短，可是却很棒。我在河内看到人因为有希望而奋斗，也发现原来我欣赏的男人，一定要比我聪明，虽然不一定要比我有成就。在短短的相遇中，我悟了这个道理，所以我觉得是乐观的。

最近，日子又回到以往的步伐，已经没那么挂念你了。心里恢复以往的平静。虽然只是短短的一份情愿，可是我想我会永远记得你。可能，你就是我掌纹上，那条虽短，但还是make a difference 的那个人。

很高兴认识你！

First Decision for Year 2007

Yes, it is now year 2007. I am approaching an exciting part of my life, i feel. In order to start the year on a high note, I have made the first decision of the year. It is something that I wanted to do for a long time, but I am not sure if I have the guts to stick to it. This year, in Jan, I have finally make up my mind. I feel it is my last chance as age is catching up with me.

I have finally signed up a personal training course. I promised myself, before I hit the age of 30 (where the metalbolism starts slowing down), I will get rid of the extra fats I have. Actually, I know I have to do it. My health is not in a good state again. 3 years ago, I had managed to lose 15kgs and I was becoming "normal". Alas, after a change of job, I had put on weight due to excessive drinking and eating and I was not normal again. This year, I told myself, by hook by crook I will have to rid myself of the fats and aim for the kind of body I have always wanted.

Health to me is the most important asset in the world. Without it, I cannot do anything. I have a condition of hormones inbalance. The doctor whom I have seen for the last 13 years, could only give me contraceptives to induce my period. Besides that, she can only tell me my condition is caused by excessive overweight. I buy the story, but I never see the need to lose the extra fats until recently it dawned on me that I can strike ovarian cancer. Finally, the last few years, I became very health conscious. I tried everything that could make me normal. Though losing some of the extra pounds help, it was not enough. I have to lose more. I started losing faith in my doctor, she is not helping at all. I turned to Chinese medicine. To others, it may not be a big deal, but to me it is. I cannot take chinse medicine. Since young, whenever I smelled it, I would puke. I could still remember how Mum chased after me with a cane if I puked, but there was nothing I could stop myself from throwing out. This time, I told myself if I wanted to get well, I would endure anything. Yes, anything to make myself normal.

I think I started the year on the right track. After my recent stint in Hanoi and Luang Prabang, I had lost about 4kgs. With my current training program, I was aiming to go below 60kgs for the first time in my life. I hope I could achieve my aim. I am determined to make myself healthier. And yes, I will do anything to get rid of the fats, though through legitimate means. For the next two weeks, I am aiming to hit 62kgs. After which, 60kgs. I have 12 weeks and I certainly hope after riding the extra fats, I will be a normal healthy woman.

Life is short, we must learn to treasure the body given to us. Time waits for no one. It is sad that it took me so long to come to terms to being healthy. However, I am at the same time glad. It is better late than never. Hopefully, before my 30th birthday this year, I can see a miracle. That i have managed to lose those stubborn fats. If i do, I vow I will never ever get them back.

We shall see. I am glad I have made the important decision this year. :)

回来了

我回来了。休息了十八天，终于回来了。
此刻的心情，很复杂。
脑海里，依旧留着度假的美景。
我，真的不想回到现实。

脑海里，遗留着河内的种种。
想念在Halong Bay的日子。
在船上，那么的无忧无虑。
和Nam聊个东南西北。
我，好想念。

脑海里，遗留着Sapa的情景。
那一个不小心，就会滚下山的情景。
每走一步，我都很小心。
结果，还是不小心，摔了一跤。
于是，我发现人的极限是无止尽的。
毅力才是最后的胜利。
很享受trekking 后的成果。
我，爱上了trekking。

脑海里，遗留着今年的平安夜。
想起那满天的星星。
那一刻，我想起了家人，朋友还有你。
流星划过，我立刻许了一个愿。
但愿，梦想回成真。

脑海里，依旧全是你。
回来了，我们依旧连线。
对话时，我们依旧有数不尽的想念。
我们，来真的吗？

我想，我有点动心了。
见面后，开始动心了。
也许，你的性格吸引了我。
纵然，我晓得我们没有下文。

我希望，我们依旧是朋友。
我希望，我们能成为知己。
我希望，我对你没有期望。
我希望，我能把你当朋友。

End of year....Start of year

Well, after a long break, I am finally ready to make my first post of the year. Of course, to whoever is reading this, Happy New Year. From the part of the world where I come from, it seemed 2007 is a good year, with good increment and good bonus. Before I dwell on what I expect for the year to come, I think is important to count my blessings in 2006. Indeed, after the 18 days stint in Hanoi and Luang Prabang, I have learnt to count my blessings by the day which made me a happier person.

2006, I think I started the year on a high note. My ex-boss kept his promise that I achieved a high distinction where my career was concerned. He made me a project leader, put me in charge of a major project and gave me his unconditional support. It was sad that things did not turn out to be what we expected. He left without seeing his brainchild being born, while I continued the struggles under the new management. 2006 was a crazy year where work was concerned. I could be in 3 different places in one week. Singapore - Shanghai - Sydney. Sometimes, when I woke up, I could not remember where I was. Though it was a challenge physically and mentally, I took it in good stride. Like what my ex-boss said, this project brought out the best in me. I endured, struggled, confronted, worked my guts out. The end product was a more versatile me, who was ready to rise to occasion. Though our paths had now deviated, he would be somebody I always had great respect for. Someone who could really tame a wild horse like me, the first person whom I had no complaints for slogging my guts out. Thankful would be the word i used to describe knowing him. Someday (i hope in the not too distant future), I hope our paths would cross again.......

2006, another challenge was i finished my grad dip in Psych. To me, that was an achievement. It meant a stop to all those writing/reading of essays, references and finally some time for me to rest. No doubt i learnt a lot thru the course, but i had qualms about continuing. I knew i would not practise, not that i was not up to it, just that it was not my calling, maybe just not yet. Thru Psych, i knew more abt myself, but i was not ready to help pp thru it. It was meant for myself that i took up the course, to understand the often confused and complicated inner self. And becos of a rash decision i made years ago while studying, i was faced with the decision of leaving my beloved family and country for a dream in a foreign land. Though i have decided to leave, i will BE BACK. I just realise time was too short, and i had not done a lot of things in my own land. I told myself, i would be there just to experience life, once i m tired, i would set my path back, back to the place where i was born, where my family and friends were, back to the place where i called HOME.........

2006 was another travelling year. Besides the numerous business trips, i went to Redang, HongKong, Taiwan, Vietnam and Laos. I think i had almost covered majority of Asia. Budget was one of my concerns......I did not want to spend too much on travelling. So i opted for all the cheap places. And Vietnam and Laos met my expectations, 18 days, 1.5k. Actually, right now I really miss Hanoi a lot. I am not sure why. Perhaps its pp, its scenary, its food and its traffic are very distinctive. Perhaps, it was really a trip that i called REST. I have time to think over things, to realise how lucky i have been and i finally understood what it means by being contented. In the past, i was always unhappy because i have had a lot of desires. Perhaps, the guide i met in Hanoi, his name was Nam, taught me how to cherish the things and pp around me. My cousin mentioned i was different when i came back. I was less frustrated....whenever i was upset with work, i would think of the pp in Hanoi, how they managed to stay happy despite the poor conditions. Compared to them, i was really insignificant and that was the essence of happiness.

2006, just as i thought my love life would be another blank, somebody crept in quietly into my life. I had to admit, at this moment, i am still thinking about him even though i knew we have no future. It was a very amazing experience that i had trouble believing that happened to me. We met in Hanoi while i was planning for the Hanoi trip. He was trying to sell me some tours while i was bargaining. It turned out we chatted everyday and he had illusions about me. I was tempted but i stopped myself before i went for the trip. However, when i got back, i realised i did have some feelings for him. Maybe that is the power of time. We spent very little time together and up to this point, I am still not sure if i was a friend or a customer. I guessed that was not important anymore. What was important was he existed and he gave me wonderful memories. I do not think we could work it out at all, but i was still reluctant to give up at this point, perhaps because I was falling into temptation. I told myself, he was just treating me like a customer, trying to earn a few more dollars from me. After the trip, I should think that would be the end of our relationship. I was never lucky in love, sometimes i wonder why......I guess for me, it would be beter for me not to have met that person, than to meet and suffered disappointment. For me, that was what i was going through now. Till now, we had not kept in touch. I was not sure if we still would......i guess if we did, i would be licking my disappointment quietly.

Anyway, all those happened in 2006, so it was a past. It was just plain unfortunate i would start the year thinking of an impossible. Perhaps, in a few more months, i would have recovered and moved on in my life.......the world waited for no one. In 2007, effectively i had only 10 months left with my family and friends. They would be my priority. After that, i would have to face up to the consequences due to the decision i made. Whatever that came out of it, i am sure i would become a better person. Take every obstacle as an opportunity to build my character building.

Yes, i would be looking forward to 2007, to see what it has in store for me......whatever it is, count my blessings and things would be a lot more bearable.......

观雨

好久没观雨了，今天在上海的香格里啦，从窗口望出去，整个城市蒙蒙的，已经是雨季了，冬天也来了。很喜欢这样的感觉，很平静， 很难得。我任由我的思绪飞翔。

其实，我此刻是相当疲惫的。这几个月来的不断飞翔，我已经不知道自己在那里了。虽然，住的是豪华酒店，可是却少了家庭的温暖。这时，我才发觉原来我是那么地想家。以前，我总以为我很潇洒，想念不必一直挂在嘴边，在心里就够了。现在，我才知道能和家人一起度过日子，才算是一种幸福。

看到上海下着雨，不禁想起在远方的家人。于是，拨了一通电话回家。我就是这样的一个人，虽然想念，可是就是说不出口。和妈妈没聊五分钟，我便挂了。也许，我真的习惯把思念连成篇，一一写下来吧。我还是那么一个内向的人吧。一直都没学会把感情表露出来。不晓得，何时何地，我才能把我的思绪一一展露出来。希望我不会越变越孤僻。

庆幸的是， 明天我就要回家了。接着便和家人一起去度假。我答应我自己，我一定要好好放假。

倒数

（与浦东香格里拉酒店）

今天，在工作上又受到了挫折。可能我已经麻木了，心情的起伏已经没那么大了。
只不过，只不过，我终于感受到那种在异乡的寂寞。
好想找个人倾诉一下。
我天天都在倒数着，回家的日子。
倒数着。

工作上发生的那些事，让我很想哭泣。
我很想，象个小孩，哭向你的怀抱。
我想，撒撒娇，让自己放纵一下。
可惜，你太遥远了。
于是，我开始倒数和你的相见的日子。
倒数着。

我很傻吧。
竟然会为你，而开始有点举棋不定。
理智上来说，我们是不可能的。
我想，我又开始放纵自己。
我们见了面，会是怎么样的情景？
我每天都在期待，都在彩排。
我一直倒数着我们的初遇。
倒数着。

虽然我知道，一定没结果，
可是还是有一点的期待。
在那充满星星的星空下，
会是怎么样的结局？
我们的离别又会是怎么样？
我一直倒数着。
倒数着。

We are so near yet so far......
Counting down......
To the day.....
We meet..

**已经很久没有对别人动心了，我不觉得我已经动心了，只不过，我还是很享受那种交流很自然的感觉吧。最希望自己真的不会受伤， 因为成功的百分点少过一。

是寂寞吗？

是寂寞吗？ 我自己也不晓得。
这一次的邂逅，是我自己也没有预料到的。
不晓得，自己的生活， 思绪会不会变得一塌糊涂。
毕竟，我们彼此都有了幻想。

河内，到底是一个怎么样的地方？
一个很平常的网上订购，竟然促成一段友谊的开始。
其实，我是一个很多疑的人。
我一直在想，对方说的话到底有没有欺骗我。
一直认为，自己是一个不轻易新人别人的人，
可是面对一个素未谋面的人，
我竟然选择相信他的一切。
我想，我已经开始有了幻想。

现在的邂逅，让我想起了宇修。
那时的年少无知，那时的放纵，
是一种很好的感觉。
现在的我，已经成熟了，
但还是有一点点地渴望吧。

其实，很渴望十二月的想见。
我知道，见面之后，什么幻想都没有了，
可是我真的希望，我们至少能保留朋友。
希望我们的结局，就如我们的开始，
那么值得回味。

--献给一个远方看不懂汉字的朋友

九月十五日，于悉尼YHA (Central) - 笨蛋

我，独自一个人， 在悉尼的YHA， 让自己的思绪， 任意飞翔，一边听着mp3。

我，想起了他。在临别前收到他的sms， 还以为他想让我保重，可是原来另有目的。想了之后，都觉得自己有点笨，一直都还没把他忘记，而且对他还有要求，真得不应该。想想，已经无数次被他利用，可是我还是那么心甘情愿。明明知道已经不会有结果，为什么我还那么傻？笨，笨，笨死了。

已经不会主动约他，也不主动和他联络，可是我还是摆脱不了他。难道我真的得拒绝和他所有的来往吗？越是刻意，不是更代表自己越是放不下。 快要四年了， 我还真痴情。哈哈。

可能，我还得给自己更多的时间吧。我也晓得，我必须顺其自然。就这样吧，别刻意躲着他，让自己开始对他没有要求。

九月十五日，于悉尼YHA (Central)

今天是我第一次，自己一个人踏上路程。终于可以放假了。此刻的心情除了累，还是累。也许，饱和点要到了吧。我也不晓得。从毕业到现在才三个月的时间，我发现自己竟然不在控制中，说起来挺可笑的。

还记得，还没毕业时，我做了种种的计划，计划要怎么样去享受人生，好好地利用我仅剩下的一年的时间 （移民之前），好好地陪家人，好好地想想自己未来的路， 可是这些事我都没有做。有点对不起自己，更对不起妈妈。

我想趁这几天，有空档，可以好好地想一想，到底要不要继续深造。不晓得我是不是在逃避，可是怎么就还没有决定，真得很不像我的作风。可能，潜意识里，我觉得我不想继续，可是有那么不甘心，所以至今还琢磨不定。

友人和我说过，读心理学，有三种人， 第一种人是为了帮助别人而读的，我称这种人为天使。说真的，我真的没有那种能耐，可以时时刻刻地开导人， 毕竟我真的没那么伟大。第二种人，我称他为恶魔，因为他们是为了控制人，而选者读心理学。讲师增经说过，心理学一门很powerful 的科目，而我也在学习的过程中，看见这样的恶魔。我知道其实我是有这种能耐，成为恶魔，可是我选择平凡。第三种人，我称他为“人”，因为他最有人性。这种人是为了了解自己，而读心里学。我想，我属于这一类的人。因为想多了解自己，想知道为什么自己有时会有那么dark 的想法，想做一个好人，所以选择心理学。也因为这个原因，让我自己挣扎了很久，我到底是不是花更多的时间， 金钱和精力去了解自己，还是我应该就这样算了。到现在，我还是没有答案。

上司的突然离职，无疑对我来说一种打击。 好不容易，才找到一个赏识我，而我也佩服的上司，可是一切都太短了。因为他的离去，让我有种一切都不在重要的感觉。也许，他一直是我的推动力，一直让我把他当成目标， 想成为和他一样的人吧。如今，一切对我来说已经不重要了。我想，我还是必须走自己的路。

一年后的我，到底会在澳洲做些什么呢？是读书，工作还是安定下来？我，真的不知道。

心麻

心，真的麻了。

那天，接到老板即将离职的消息，整个人傻了。我想在我工作接近十年的生涯，他应该属于最棒的一位，所以听说他要离去，我怎么样也无法提起劲工作。虽然说，天下没有不散的宴席，可是总觉得这一切来了太快乐。 我以为，我会比他先离开，可是唉!

他说过，本来想要我接手他的职务，可是我知道他在大家心目中的地位，是无法取代的。我，也不希望代替他。事到如今，我也衷心地祝福他，希望他能找到自己的天空，更希望能有一天，我们能再一次合作。

我想，应该是时候，替自己的前途大算了，不能再逃避了。应该会很快就会有决定了，我想。

下一次，在把我的决定一一写下来吧。

结束

结束是另一个开始吗？

好久没有那么放肆的感觉了。听着一首又一首的抒情歌曲，整个人感觉很平静。是的， 一切都已经结束了。 两年半来的奋斗，努力，压力，酸甜苦辣，都在我最后一张试卷后，结束了。 回想起那所有的点点滴滴，其实真的有无限的感慨。而我心里也知道，这一切的结束，其实是我人生的另一个开始，因为那意味着，我离家的日子，越来越近了。

我知道，其实我一直在逃避这个问题。我不想去想，所以潜意识里，我一直用忙做借口。因为忙，所以没有时间去想，说穿了，是自己不想去想。我真的是很舍不得这里的一切，虽然我很不认同这个国家的政治。舍不得的是我的家人，我的朋友，还有那熟悉的感觉。最舍不得的是，那回家的感觉。不晓得从何时开始，我变得那么想家的一个人。也许，人越老越会珍惜那回家的感觉，那种有人等着你一起开饭的感觉，还有那我受伤后，可以很潇洒地跑回家的感觉。家里，永远会有人和我分享我喜怒哀乐。

一个人的日子会是怎么样的呢？虽然害怕，但也有一点期待。每天，我都在为这个问题寻找答案。 很羡慕那些人，可以潇洒地走一回，无牵无挂。我想，一个人的日子，虽然多了份自由，也多了份忧伤。受伤后，在也找不到回家的感觉。

我是怎么了？怎么突然间变得那么伤感？一个结束其实意味着另一段开始。

我想，还是收拾心情， 准备做决定吧。

杂念

懒洋洋地坐在电脑前面，听着不断播出的mp3，正好播着《向左走，向右走》的主题曲，一部我看了哭了死去活来的电影。回想着这半年来的生活，除了忙，就是累。感觉上，心忙也盲了。每天， 除了工作就是读书，日子过得很快，但有空挡的时候，不时会觉得有一股空虚感。

我，到底怎么了？

感觉上，心很麻。在工作上，时不时都开怀大笑，但那是我吗？还是我用笑声来掩饰自己心灵上的空虚与寂寞，我不晓得。常常对自己说，要善待自己，因为这个世界，如果自己不爱自己，那我就得不到爱了。宁愿做一个等爱也可以爱别人的我，也不想做一个只能让别人爱的人。也许，付出对我来说，永远是一种美。

这半年来，已经减少出门的次数，可能是累到已经没有多余的经历，和友人畅所欲言，也可能只想一个人静一静， 想想未来的路该怎么走。

再过一个星期，就要开始我人生最后的一个二十年头。心情是很复杂的，也许今年将会是我在这里度过的最后一个生日。明年的那一天，我会在那里，我不知道。想像着离开的情景，心里充满了惆怅。离开永远是伤感的。到新的国度，一个人去过新的生活，我会有着怎么样的经历？有一点点的期待，但跟多的舍不得。舍不得我的家人，我那群一起胡闹的朋友，更舍不得那回家的感觉。我会变成怎么样的一个人， 更独立还是更孤僻？

每一年，到了这个时候，我总会有一点点的期待。总是期待会有意想不到的惊喜，可是每一次都那么平淡。不过也因为平淡，让我学会珍惜。每一年，我都有着同样的习惯，数数看有多少人献上祝福，也会看谁是黑马， 会在那一天和我联系。我想每一个联系都代表着一份祝福吧。虽然每一年，我总会有一些失望，但也会有一些惊喜吧。人生不过也如此。

希望今年迎接我的生日时，心不再那么麻，也希望会有一点点的惊喜，让我至少可以记得在我还没离乡背井的那个生日，是用什么样的心情度过的。