As i was writing this, the part of the world where i was coming from was celebrating the lunar new year eve. Just had a reunion dinner wif my folks. Having helped out for the first time in cooking, tis year is really a bit different. Anyway, i m not sure if i will be at home next lunar new year eve, so is impt that i enjoyed the every bit of it. The feelings of having to spend the most impt chinese festival alone indeed spelled loneliness to me...but well, who knows what next year has in store for me.
Had another gd thursday in the week that just passed. Was a bit sad and reluctant that this semester flew so fast. It was the last lesson for my summer module tis sem and i hated to say goodbye to Sunflower. But well, everything has to come to an end, isn't it? I still rem the first time i saw her, she took over the lesson from the previous lecturer who was not competent enough. Well, i tot, another change. Never had any strong feelings for her except tat she was one of the better ones who cld teach. Never did i tot she wld become my inspiration for this particular tough module. It all started wif her approaching me abt the lessons, wat was taught the previous week and the questions abt assignments. Gradually we became frens thru emails exchanges. Guess something good really came out of the course tis semester.
Stayed back to chat wif her after the last class. Talked abt a lot of things, abt her aspirations, her rejections she suffered in Psych, her tots abt the course. Hmm, she was truly a high flier in Psych and possibly in her academic achievements. She scored 7 HDs and 3 Ds. I was like wow, she is fantastic. But to be honest, she was rite, scoring HDs was not difficult. For me it was difficult becos i had problems wif the writings. She was really nice in that aspect and humble. She told me i cld actually approach her for my last module where writings are concerned and she will help me out. Well, as the teaching guidelines said, the lecturer was not supposed to vet the student's writings. But wat she said make sense. If she was not teaching that module, there wld not be any conflicts. Felt tat she was really helpful. For my part, i wld definitely approach her though it was gg to be my last module and an elective at tat, but that doesnt mean i will slack.
I began to tink she was sent by God to tell me to persist on in Psych. At this juncture, my career was actually taking off and i was actually tinking of pursuing my career rather than Psych. But looking at her attitude and her achievements, it made me had second tots. No doubt the job i had now was wat i had been waiting for for a long long time, and no doubt i was deeply appreciated in the company and highly looked up upon, but something seemed to be missing. Upon inspection, i tink the satisfaction of helping pple and myself was missing. Yes, i was satisfied to be able to build systems, to do wat others deemed as impossible, but i feel i was not getting in touch wif myself and wif others, not learning more abt "life". Whereas in Psych, everything i learnt, i cld apply it and learn abt myself, the pple ard me and life itself, my career just gave me the "technical" satisfaction. I was worried i was not able to feed myself if i switched to Psych, but seeing how Sunflower overcame all the obstacles and being happy wif herself, i felt i cld do the same. She was rite, if i wanted to do it, i cld. However the desire encompassed a lot of things, including sacrifices. I wld not be earning as much i wld now, meaning i have to cut back on my luxurious travelling plans. But i will be happy. I remembered i once said, after all the travelling, i wld get sick of it, till then i will have to find other alternatives. So it seemed, if i do Psych, i wld be in touch wif myself and in touch wif "life". Perhaps thru her, i really see wat i wanted for myself. Perhaps God feel i should persist on and do what i really wanted and be happy.
I tink i m really lucky to have met her. After more than 20 years of studying, i finally saw an inspiring teacher who gives me the ray of hope. I feel she had made great sacrifices to fulfill her dreams. If she cld do it, so cld I. So it stayed for now that i will be pursuing Psych. Perhaps after i grad in June and if i have the spare time, i will sit in for some of the classes that i been thru and find out new things abt myself.
In the new year to come, i promise myself that i will be happy always, wif less expectations, be an inspiration to others and become a better person.
I m sure i will stay in touch wif Sunflower for a long long time, perhaps even till the time i leave for my dreams. Thank you Lady, you have truly been wonderful!
Saturday, January 28, 2006
Friday, January 20, 2006
Good vs Evil
It's thursday, and to tell the truth, i m looking towards every thursday these days due to my Psych class. I tink the last few lessons had actually been stimulating, in terms of knowledge from the class as well as learning more abt myself. I tink it was the first time, i feel i m truly in a Psych class, learning more and more abt myself....really enjoy it. The downside of it was, my head was always in turmoil on the way back from school, thinking of the conversations i have had wif Sunflower earlier on.
It all started wif the chain of email exchanges we have and today the conversation started wif my job....frankly i wasnt too keen to talk abt my job becos it was so tiring to explain abt IT and concepts of OO. i guess i just wasnt a good lecturer where IT is concerned, anyway i admired her drive for learning, and she is forever so keen abt things happening around her. Then the conversation stemmed towards the direction of Forensic Psych which i was deeply interested in. I explained to her abt my motivation, which was wat drove pple into Psychopathology. We had the same concepts abt humans. Humans are innately good, however i put it in a negative way to explain it. I believed everyone of us cld become psychopaths if we lose our self-control, though we are good by nature, while she believe that humans are +ve beings. Then it all sparked off the good vs the bad / evil. She had a valid pt, Psychopathology is a veri dark area, an area where one will be led astray unless one had a strong willpower. However, i feel that was wat sparked off my interest. I always believed that if one had strong willpower, they will not turn to psychopath, meaning psychopaths are pple who lost their self-control and deviated from the normal good value systems. However, it was amazing that these pple who lost their self-control cld actually influence pple who are not so strong mentally and manipulate them. I tink i shocked her, becos it appeared i was such a "dark" person.
Honestly, just a few months ago, i really wanted to give up Psych, i was afraid i wld lose self control and became a "bad" person. I tink i was too engrossed into the world of Psych and i always think everyone has a "dark" side of their characteristics and if u did not suppress that "dark" side, it is easy to go the other way. However, i tink i managed to pick myself up from that mess, but of course i m worried. I studied Psych to help pple, not to harm pple. So today, by having a conversation wif Sunflower, she really sparked off tis issue of Good vs Evil. To me, there is a thin line of difference between them, and each of us will view an incident differently, there are so many areas to consider, so it is easy to deviate from one side to another. I tink i have truly aroused her interest in me. But she hit the nail twice wifin that short conversation, she cld tell i m a philosopical person and not many pple cld understand my tots. It was kinda of scary.
Recently i looked back in the frens i have and i realise not even my two best frens cld understand me or my tots. At times, i tend to pose thought poking questions to them which stimulated them, but it was funny tat they nvr tot of these things. More importantly, i tink i tend to share more of my tots abt the world, abt pple to them than the other way. Sometimes i really wonder if i m normal. Tat explained the helplessness feeling i experienced at times tat no one cld understand or share my tots, and tat also explained the loneliness feeling i have at times. Maybe i really tink too much.
Sunflower also posed another interesting question. Why was pple also so interested in the -ve aspects of life if human is innately +ve/good? My ans wld be there was nothing much to study abt the gd things. The "bad" things made studies interesting or challenging. My pt is by finding out how pple deviated to the bad side of things, is easier to curb them rather enforcing the positive things abt them. Prevention is always better than cure.
I dunno if i m normal, but sometimes i tink i m afraid by having these kinds of weird tots. I truly wanted to be "good" person. However, it seemed pple ard me din seem to be experiencing the same things and i worried myself by tinking too much abt pple's nature. Perhaps i was gifted in a particular way which i have not realised it yet. Really hope Sunflower cld ans some of my questions. She looked so amazed at my perception abt things.
Anyway, it's been a tiring day today. Hopefully after meeting up wif her after exams, i cld understand myself better. Truly, i have made somebody interested in knowing me.
It all started wif the chain of email exchanges we have and today the conversation started wif my job....frankly i wasnt too keen to talk abt my job becos it was so tiring to explain abt IT and concepts of OO. i guess i just wasnt a good lecturer where IT is concerned, anyway i admired her drive for learning, and she is forever so keen abt things happening around her. Then the conversation stemmed towards the direction of Forensic Psych which i was deeply interested in. I explained to her abt my motivation, which was wat drove pple into Psychopathology. We had the same concepts abt humans. Humans are innately good, however i put it in a negative way to explain it. I believed everyone of us cld become psychopaths if we lose our self-control, though we are good by nature, while she believe that humans are +ve beings. Then it all sparked off the good vs the bad / evil. She had a valid pt, Psychopathology is a veri dark area, an area where one will be led astray unless one had a strong willpower. However, i feel that was wat sparked off my interest. I always believed that if one had strong willpower, they will not turn to psychopath, meaning psychopaths are pple who lost their self-control and deviated from the normal good value systems. However, it was amazing that these pple who lost their self-control cld actually influence pple who are not so strong mentally and manipulate them. I tink i shocked her, becos it appeared i was such a "dark" person.
Honestly, just a few months ago, i really wanted to give up Psych, i was afraid i wld lose self control and became a "bad" person. I tink i was too engrossed into the world of Psych and i always think everyone has a "dark" side of their characteristics and if u did not suppress that "dark" side, it is easy to go the other way. However, i tink i managed to pick myself up from that mess, but of course i m worried. I studied Psych to help pple, not to harm pple. So today, by having a conversation wif Sunflower, she really sparked off tis issue of Good vs Evil. To me, there is a thin line of difference between them, and each of us will view an incident differently, there are so many areas to consider, so it is easy to deviate from one side to another. I tink i have truly aroused her interest in me. But she hit the nail twice wifin that short conversation, she cld tell i m a philosopical person and not many pple cld understand my tots. It was kinda of scary.
Recently i looked back in the frens i have and i realise not even my two best frens cld understand me or my tots. At times, i tend to pose thought poking questions to them which stimulated them, but it was funny tat they nvr tot of these things. More importantly, i tink i tend to share more of my tots abt the world, abt pple to them than the other way. Sometimes i really wonder if i m normal. Tat explained the helplessness feeling i experienced at times tat no one cld understand or share my tots, and tat also explained the loneliness feeling i have at times. Maybe i really tink too much.
Sunflower also posed another interesting question. Why was pple also so interested in the -ve aspects of life if human is innately +ve/good? My ans wld be there was nothing much to study abt the gd things. The "bad" things made studies interesting or challenging. My pt is by finding out how pple deviated to the bad side of things, is easier to curb them rather enforcing the positive things abt them. Prevention is always better than cure.
I dunno if i m normal, but sometimes i tink i m afraid by having these kinds of weird tots. I truly wanted to be "good" person. However, it seemed pple ard me din seem to be experiencing the same things and i worried myself by tinking too much abt pple's nature. Perhaps i was gifted in a particular way which i have not realised it yet. Really hope Sunflower cld ans some of my questions. She looked so amazed at my perception abt things.
Anyway, it's been a tiring day today. Hopefully after meeting up wif her after exams, i cld understand myself better. Truly, i have made somebody interested in knowing me.
Monday, January 16, 2006
Inspiration
What does it take to be an inspiration to others? For me, i m always on lookout for role models to inspire me. Actually, i tink i liked to be inspired and i like to inspire pple too. Unfortunately, nobody so far has come fwd me and tell me, "you know, you have really been an inspiration." Well, i guess is not an easy task to inspire pple. I always tot i cld inspire pple wif my +ve thoughts, my unlimited energy levels and my optimum level of positiveness, but i was sure i got smbody upset today....not tat it bothered me, but it worried me.
My ever whining fren (actually not sure if she really belonged to my category of fren) started whining abt her job and her health. Her health was suffering due to her job. Well, in my perspective ( i dunno if i m judging), i felt that she was always whining, nothing new. Thruout my years of knowing her, she was so used to tat. I remarked tat her mind was sick, to me changing the mind, changed the person. Alas, i tink she got so crossed wif that statement, saying tat i was not doing her job, if i were, i wun be saying the same thing. Wat i truly felt was, no matter wat, you still have a choice. That's the beauty of living in this world. My principle in life is not to restrict my choices, instead explore them. Clearly, this has gotten her rather upset that she cut off her conversation wif me. Not that it really bothered me tat she was mad at me, but somehow maybe i felt i was not empatheic enough...but on recollection, i guess i had been patient enough over the 11 years and it was the time to snap.....Truly, wanting to inspire pple was never easy.
Started an email chain wif Sunflower last week after a fulfilling Psych class. It all started wif her asking me if i intend to further my course. Then, i realise she was actually a student of the course i was doing. Hmm, it was an ans to my prayer, at least for now i noe somebody had done it before and gave such gd feedback abt it. The journey back home that day was a long one, i had so many tots gg thru my mind tat i felt an urge to drop her an email. I wld say it was an explosive urge, it was like i had so many questions waiting to be answered. Well, she did not disappoint me, at least i found some ans to my burning questions. And i tot tat was the first step to knowing my inspiration better. Thru the exchanges only did i realise she was actually a trained teacher and she actually went all out to achieve her dreams, and she really earned my admiration for tat. Compare to her, i felt so insignifcant. She gave up her job as a teacher of > 10 years to pursue her dreams, and i still cld not decide whether to go for it. Though she was not doing as well as she shld if she stick on to her teaching, but she gave me the feeling that she was truly happy. Perhaps happiness in her thoughts, was doing smthg she was passionate abt. From the way she taught the class, and the way she was willing to learn from her students and the ways she answered the queries i posed, her passion really touched me.
When i first started doing Psych, i had great dreams, i was counting down to my 7 years of earning my Psychologist licence and i was so sure i wld get it as long as i desired it. Along the way, i did become disillusioned, met some setbacks and questioning myself. But i tink her passion brought out the best in me, it made me truly enjoyed the last 3000 module which was supposed to be the toughest. I was really grateful to her for making me reconsidering my options. Is tough to see pple sticking to their dreams in technology age, and is even tougher to be an inspiration to others. She had done both at least in my context and i felt she was like an angel God sent telling me "I have sent somebody to show that you can do it" and in her words to me "as long as you desired, success is hugely yours". Till now, i m still at the cross road, perhaps after meeting up wif her after exams, i may have a clearer direction of where to go. Is kinda of sad that classes are ending soon and i have to admit, tis semester was one of the fulfilling sessions i have. Good things are always short, arent they?
I learnt something from Sunflower. Her desire, her will, and her passion are the ingredients to success. Though success cld be measured in many ways, and though the industry is pretty limited, as long as you have the passion to stick to wat you believed, no matter how small the corner is, you will still be able to satisfy yourself and be an inspiration to others. And truly, i have not felt so touched before for a long time.
Hopefully no matter what my decision was, i will be an inspiration to some and hopefully, someday, someone will come up to me and thank me for being an inspiration :)
Thank you lady, once again for touching that immune heart of mine wif ur pure passion.
My ever whining fren (actually not sure if she really belonged to my category of fren) started whining abt her job and her health. Her health was suffering due to her job. Well, in my perspective ( i dunno if i m judging), i felt that she was always whining, nothing new. Thruout my years of knowing her, she was so used to tat. I remarked tat her mind was sick, to me changing the mind, changed the person. Alas, i tink she got so crossed wif that statement, saying tat i was not doing her job, if i were, i wun be saying the same thing. Wat i truly felt was, no matter wat, you still have a choice. That's the beauty of living in this world. My principle in life is not to restrict my choices, instead explore them. Clearly, this has gotten her rather upset that she cut off her conversation wif me. Not that it really bothered me tat she was mad at me, but somehow maybe i felt i was not empatheic enough...but on recollection, i guess i had been patient enough over the 11 years and it was the time to snap.....Truly, wanting to inspire pple was never easy.
Started an email chain wif Sunflower last week after a fulfilling Psych class. It all started wif her asking me if i intend to further my course. Then, i realise she was actually a student of the course i was doing. Hmm, it was an ans to my prayer, at least for now i noe somebody had done it before and gave such gd feedback abt it. The journey back home that day was a long one, i had so many tots gg thru my mind tat i felt an urge to drop her an email. I wld say it was an explosive urge, it was like i had so many questions waiting to be answered. Well, she did not disappoint me, at least i found some ans to my burning questions. And i tot tat was the first step to knowing my inspiration better. Thru the exchanges only did i realise she was actually a trained teacher and she actually went all out to achieve her dreams, and she really earned my admiration for tat. Compare to her, i felt so insignifcant. She gave up her job as a teacher of > 10 years to pursue her dreams, and i still cld not decide whether to go for it. Though she was not doing as well as she shld if she stick on to her teaching, but she gave me the feeling that she was truly happy. Perhaps happiness in her thoughts, was doing smthg she was passionate abt. From the way she taught the class, and the way she was willing to learn from her students and the ways she answered the queries i posed, her passion really touched me.
When i first started doing Psych, i had great dreams, i was counting down to my 7 years of earning my Psychologist licence and i was so sure i wld get it as long as i desired it. Along the way, i did become disillusioned, met some setbacks and questioning myself. But i tink her passion brought out the best in me, it made me truly enjoyed the last 3000 module which was supposed to be the toughest. I was really grateful to her for making me reconsidering my options. Is tough to see pple sticking to their dreams in technology age, and is even tougher to be an inspiration to others. She had done both at least in my context and i felt she was like an angel God sent telling me "I have sent somebody to show that you can do it" and in her words to me "as long as you desired, success is hugely yours". Till now, i m still at the cross road, perhaps after meeting up wif her after exams, i may have a clearer direction of where to go. Is kinda of sad that classes are ending soon and i have to admit, tis semester was one of the fulfilling sessions i have. Good things are always short, arent they?
I learnt something from Sunflower. Her desire, her will, and her passion are the ingredients to success. Though success cld be measured in many ways, and though the industry is pretty limited, as long as you have the passion to stick to wat you believed, no matter how small the corner is, you will still be able to satisfy yourself and be an inspiration to others. And truly, i have not felt so touched before for a long time.
Hopefully no matter what my decision was, i will be an inspiration to some and hopefully, someday, someone will come up to me and thank me for being an inspiration :)
Thank you lady, once again for touching that immune heart of mine wif ur pure passion.
Saturday, January 07, 2006
Emotions
Another week had passed, time really flies. Perhaps there were to many holidays in Jan that i feel time just shot passed without me realising it. Just finished my introduction for my Personality essay. Was feeling good, becos i took shorter than expected time and also i tink personality was one of my strenghts. Giving myself a reward by listening to Rene Liu's 一次幸福的机会. Just indulging in the lyrics and the power of emotions.
Kind of like this song a lot for a few reasons. She was one of my fav singers, not tat she sang exceptionally well, but i guess she was a person wif inner substance, secondly, i cld relate to the songs, the pain of having giving up when u knew there was no outcome. For me, i was at peace wif myself these days where relationships were concerned. Guess i had grown much stronger than i expected to be. In the past, i yearned too much for a heart wrenching relationship, now i realised simplicity is a blessing. You shld not and do not need to feel a lot of pain, upset to be truly involved in a relationship, it cld be as simple as having the person by your side. I guess a lot of pple still haven understood the pt.
Was having a late conversation wif a fren the other day. She was always plauged wif relationship problems and it was kind of amazing how her emotions worked their way thru her. To me, she was a person who required lots and lots of love and attention, however, she was always putting on a false front that she dun need anybody, that she had planned her life alone and nobody shld try and disturb that peace. The bottom of the facade was she was afraid of getting hurt, her heart cld not take the pain. In my humble opinion, it was difficult to be involved in a relationship w/o feeling pain. It wld seem so superfical isnt it tat the other person was so "perfect" that he/she had nvr done anything to hurt you. At least to me. If you got yourself involved, you wld have expectations, and wif expectations, there are bounds to be pain. Like wat Rene Liu said, you have expectations becos you cld contribute, when the day came tat u cld not contribute anymore, u wld not have anymore expectations. Alas, having expectations after all may not be a bad thing, becos it was truly the emotions of "living", of experiencing things, but others seemed to be taking it so badly (myself for one), i guess life is all about finding the balance point. I wanted to find the point where i can give and have expectations, but if the expectations are not met, i wld not be too upset / disappointed over it. It is really tough, but is a process of self-discovery i guess.
Anyway, back to my the fren. she was consoling a fren who had a failed relationship wif the start of new year. i wld say it was a bad start, but cld truly understand the pain for it happened to me too. u began to analyse the whole thing, wat went wrong etc etc, and more often than not, tears wld start to roll. she got too emotional over it i guess to the extent of affecting herself whereas for me, i was overly calm over the whole incident. diff personalities i guess. she was tinking over her own relationship which ended 6 mths ago and which she saw no future. funni thing is, if u see no future, wldnt it be best to give it up and let time heal everything? otherwise, there wld be more pain to bear? perhaps tat is how i persuaded myself to give somebody up. i know wat it all means, it wasnt easy.....everything related to the other person, the times spent together wld become even clearer and then tears wld start rolling again...but i always believe time is a veri powerful element. it will make pple forget a lot of things, or make the sufferings seemed less painful and make gd things seem even more precious. mostly importantly, it has a limit, once the limt is passed, nothing else wld matter anymore.
To me, my time has passed.......no more pain and memories seem so distant......perhaps subconsciously i din wanna rem a lot of things, one gd thing that u can derive fr a failed relationship was that the next one wld be better. so i told my fren, by thinking tat way, maybe shld wld feel better, but she just cant seem to let him go....well, if u wanna be happy for urself and for him, u gotta let him go. if is meant to be urs, it will come back. hmm, i really wish she cld take my advice at times, no pt hanging to memories to live ur life, it wun make u happy. The important thing now is about the "Present", how to live your life fuly every moment and not hanging to lost love, failed relationships and enhancing your pains.
For tis fren of mine, i really hope you will have a gd start tis year. kinda of worry for ur health, worried abt ur mental state. cant really help u if u dun help urself. if u wanna be happy, learn to let go, take everything as part of growing up, learn to lick ur pain. I really wish, one day the person who cld save u fr salvation wld come and nurse u back into a healthy being.......May happiness be wif u always!
Kind of like this song a lot for a few reasons. She was one of my fav singers, not tat she sang exceptionally well, but i guess she was a person wif inner substance, secondly, i cld relate to the songs, the pain of having giving up when u knew there was no outcome. For me, i was at peace wif myself these days where relationships were concerned. Guess i had grown much stronger than i expected to be. In the past, i yearned too much for a heart wrenching relationship, now i realised simplicity is a blessing. You shld not and do not need to feel a lot of pain, upset to be truly involved in a relationship, it cld be as simple as having the person by your side. I guess a lot of pple still haven understood the pt.
Was having a late conversation wif a fren the other day. She was always plauged wif relationship problems and it was kind of amazing how her emotions worked their way thru her. To me, she was a person who required lots and lots of love and attention, however, she was always putting on a false front that she dun need anybody, that she had planned her life alone and nobody shld try and disturb that peace. The bottom of the facade was she was afraid of getting hurt, her heart cld not take the pain. In my humble opinion, it was difficult to be involved in a relationship w/o feeling pain. It wld seem so superfical isnt it tat the other person was so "perfect" that he/she had nvr done anything to hurt you. At least to me. If you got yourself involved, you wld have expectations, and wif expectations, there are bounds to be pain. Like wat Rene Liu said, you have expectations becos you cld contribute, when the day came tat u cld not contribute anymore, u wld not have anymore expectations. Alas, having expectations after all may not be a bad thing, becos it was truly the emotions of "living", of experiencing things, but others seemed to be taking it so badly (myself for one), i guess life is all about finding the balance point. I wanted to find the point where i can give and have expectations, but if the expectations are not met, i wld not be too upset / disappointed over it. It is really tough, but is a process of self-discovery i guess.
Anyway, back to my the fren. she was consoling a fren who had a failed relationship wif the start of new year. i wld say it was a bad start, but cld truly understand the pain for it happened to me too. u began to analyse the whole thing, wat went wrong etc etc, and more often than not, tears wld start to roll. she got too emotional over it i guess to the extent of affecting herself whereas for me, i was overly calm over the whole incident. diff personalities i guess. she was tinking over her own relationship which ended 6 mths ago and which she saw no future. funni thing is, if u see no future, wldnt it be best to give it up and let time heal everything? otherwise, there wld be more pain to bear? perhaps tat is how i persuaded myself to give somebody up. i know wat it all means, it wasnt easy.....everything related to the other person, the times spent together wld become even clearer and then tears wld start rolling again...but i always believe time is a veri powerful element. it will make pple forget a lot of things, or make the sufferings seemed less painful and make gd things seem even more precious. mostly importantly, it has a limit, once the limt is passed, nothing else wld matter anymore.
To me, my time has passed.......no more pain and memories seem so distant......perhaps subconsciously i din wanna rem a lot of things, one gd thing that u can derive fr a failed relationship was that the next one wld be better. so i told my fren, by thinking tat way, maybe shld wld feel better, but she just cant seem to let him go....well, if u wanna be happy for urself and for him, u gotta let him go. if is meant to be urs, it will come back. hmm, i really wish she cld take my advice at times, no pt hanging to memories to live ur life, it wun make u happy. The important thing now is about the "Present", how to live your life fuly every moment and not hanging to lost love, failed relationships and enhancing your pains.
For tis fren of mine, i really hope you will have a gd start tis year. kinda of worry for ur health, worried abt ur mental state. cant really help u if u dun help urself. if u wanna be happy, learn to let go, take everything as part of growing up, learn to lick ur pain. I really wish, one day the person who cld save u fr salvation wld come and nurse u back into a healthy being.......May happiness be wif u always!
Sunday, January 01, 2006
Happy New Year 2006
Yes, finally we are here, in the year of 2006, the year where I will get to rise and shine, climbing to greater heights. I dunno why, but somehow, i feel this is "THE YEAR" for me to accomplish wat i wanted to. I dun tink i m ambitious, just tat hunger for experience, not looking for high increment in job, just high increment in overseas stint, hopefully.
OK, just to blog down wat i have done today and wat thoughts went thru me today to start my New Year so tat i cld rem a year later how i started tis fabulous year.
For a start, it was kind of boring....i had a late nite last nite, coming home at 3am, having 3 rounds of food at diff places wif the same grp of pple and wif the hang over fr the nite before, i pop straight to the bed after showering.....luckily, i still managed to keep my record of waking up 6 hours later becos i was far behind time in my study assignment, having to write a Personality essay.
Actually, somehow for a long time, i was enjoying writing the two essays recently. Perhaps becos i did well for one of the essays last semseter and tat sort of gave me a boost, or it cld be related to the Sunflower who had been so encouraging and inspiring that gave me smthg to look fwd to. The tots went thru me today. I tink i will miss the times locating references, learning thru the process and writing and awaiting the fruit of my labour when i grad in another few mths time. I tink these two years after i taken up psych, it had been esp fulfiling for me. I find my knowledge gaining tremendously and i began to look at things in a diff light. I tink i am gg to miss these fulfilling times tat rite now i m actually enjoying it. It is an irony. I wanted to finish asap then, but now, i do wanna slow the process so that i cld enjoy. Perhaps, i reallly love Psych, otherwise i wun be having tis kind of thots. Tat itself is a consolation to me.
As i was finishing thru my essay online, saw my dear fren online. Hmm, it was a sort of mixed feeling. Had hung out wif her the nite bf.....was not a veri gd feel becos she was feeling down by her job. I dun like pple ard me to be unhappy, if i cld i wld always try to make them happy. but for this lady, i guess it was slightly diff perhaps we were really close. she was the closest beside family, so i wun want to see her unhappy. she was working today as well, i dunno wat to say. sometimes, i feel frens do drain me out....perhaps i give too much, and hence i began to have expectations, and expectations kill a frenship or relationship. so at times, i wld be detached fr the relationship in order to protect myself......becos i noe if my expectations were not met, i wld feel hurt, but at the same time i noe it was not rite to have expectations becos it killed a frenship.....sigh, it was really tough. The only thing i cld do was not to give too much my attention and maybe perhaps tat wld make me feel better......is a form of escapism i feel, but is a feeling i cld not battle over since young.....so one of the things i wanna do tis year is to stop having expectations.....i dun wanna get drained by feelings and emotions anymore :D
Was tinking thru work today........i suddenly rem wat my boss told me over the drinks.....(actually i cant really rem wat he said becos my head was spinning).....i tink he told me to pick up biz knowledge for it will become invaluable...not sure if i was dreaming or it was real....hahaha.....i been figuring out wat was real and wat was my intuition till now...becos i tink we were both drunk....if he meant wat he said when he was drunk, things wld be getting interesting in this year....if not, i still will have things to look forward to in the proj i m doing...well, i better learn not to have expectations lest i get disappointed again....
I tink the morale of the story for the first day of the year 2006, is not to have any expectations regardless in friends, work or anything. I will tell myself that, i will try to take things as they come and do not have any expectations for disappointments are hard to bear.........with that i will work hard, and anything good that came along will be a bonus......I will be happier that way.
OK, just to blog down wat i have done today and wat thoughts went thru me today to start my New Year so tat i cld rem a year later how i started tis fabulous year.
For a start, it was kind of boring....i had a late nite last nite, coming home at 3am, having 3 rounds of food at diff places wif the same grp of pple and wif the hang over fr the nite before, i pop straight to the bed after showering.....luckily, i still managed to keep my record of waking up 6 hours later becos i was far behind time in my study assignment, having to write a Personality essay.
Actually, somehow for a long time, i was enjoying writing the two essays recently. Perhaps becos i did well for one of the essays last semseter and tat sort of gave me a boost, or it cld be related to the Sunflower who had been so encouraging and inspiring that gave me smthg to look fwd to. The tots went thru me today. I tink i will miss the times locating references, learning thru the process and writing and awaiting the fruit of my labour when i grad in another few mths time. I tink these two years after i taken up psych, it had been esp fulfiling for me. I find my knowledge gaining tremendously and i began to look at things in a diff light. I tink i am gg to miss these fulfilling times tat rite now i m actually enjoying it. It is an irony. I wanted to finish asap then, but now, i do wanna slow the process so that i cld enjoy. Perhaps, i reallly love Psych, otherwise i wun be having tis kind of thots. Tat itself is a consolation to me.
As i was finishing thru my essay online, saw my dear fren online. Hmm, it was a sort of mixed feeling. Had hung out wif her the nite bf.....was not a veri gd feel becos she was feeling down by her job. I dun like pple ard me to be unhappy, if i cld i wld always try to make them happy. but for this lady, i guess it was slightly diff perhaps we were really close. she was the closest beside family, so i wun want to see her unhappy. she was working today as well, i dunno wat to say. sometimes, i feel frens do drain me out....perhaps i give too much, and hence i began to have expectations, and expectations kill a frenship or relationship. so at times, i wld be detached fr the relationship in order to protect myself......becos i noe if my expectations were not met, i wld feel hurt, but at the same time i noe it was not rite to have expectations becos it killed a frenship.....sigh, it was really tough. The only thing i cld do was not to give too much my attention and maybe perhaps tat wld make me feel better......is a form of escapism i feel, but is a feeling i cld not battle over since young.....so one of the things i wanna do tis year is to stop having expectations.....i dun wanna get drained by feelings and emotions anymore :D
Was tinking thru work today........i suddenly rem wat my boss told me over the drinks.....(actually i cant really rem wat he said becos my head was spinning).....i tink he told me to pick up biz knowledge for it will become invaluable...not sure if i was dreaming or it was real....hahaha.....i been figuring out wat was real and wat was my intuition till now...becos i tink we were both drunk....if he meant wat he said when he was drunk, things wld be getting interesting in this year....if not, i still will have things to look forward to in the proj i m doing...well, i better learn not to have expectations lest i get disappointed again....
I tink the morale of the story for the first day of the year 2006, is not to have any expectations regardless in friends, work or anything. I will tell myself that, i will try to take things as they come and do not have any expectations for disappointments are hard to bear.........with that i will work hard, and anything good that came along will be a bonus......I will be happier that way.
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