2007 Report Card

Yes, we are at the time of the year again. The time of the year to look back, to reflect on past achievements and making preparations for the next year. Well, this year I am slightly early (by one day) as I do not have time to pen my thoughts tomorrow.

For me, I think 2007 could have been a better year. It is a mixed year of ups and downs.

The biggest achievement of the year is I finally got rid of the excess fats that have been bothering me for the past 10 years. From an overweight to being atheletic, I am proud of my own achievement. I remebered I signed up a PT course in Jan and made the commitment to lose all those fats by my 30th birthday. I am glad I kept my promise and I finally got rid of the annoying "health problem" that has been bothering me for the last 14 years. If I know it is so easy, I would have not waited 14 years to make the first move.

The biggest disappointment of the year I guess is my decision to stay put than to venture down under. I could only say, I was very disappointed with myself with that decision. It took me 2 years to make up my mind not to leave. I was disappointed because it was my dream to venture out, to live a life overseas, to experience life. Was it because I lacked the courage to pursue my beliefs or I prioritised my family's needs? It was no longer important I guess. Having gone through the ordeal, I understand myself more. I would still seek to venture out in the next year to come. I guess as long as that desire of mine is not fulfilled, I would not be happy. Hopefully, when the opportunity knocks, I will GRAB it.

Apart from that, I think I get a B grade in terms of work. I could not finish my Hong Kong project before I left. It was a disappointment to me for I failed to see my fruit of labour blossomed. I guess that is life, I have already tried my best and sometimes the best seemed not good enough. I have learnt to accept that and moved on.

The happiest moment of the year was the trip to Yunnan. It was the first backpack trekking trip with my best travelling kaki and 2 other folks. I gave the trip an A+. It was the first trip of 17 days that involved more than 2 persons, without any sort of arguements involved. In short, it was a harmonious trip with fun and laughter along the way. I have made two new friends in fact. Travel partners are very important to me. There were simply so many unforeseen events that could happen along the trip especially to a place like China. I guess we all took it in good stride and laughed at our own silliness instead of making a big fuss out of it. Frankly, I really hope to travel with this group to Tibet once more. They are the BEST.

The year ended a little gloomy for me as I was being kept under wraps for a while. Hopefully with the new year, all these will end and I could be doing what I wanted.

With 2008 in place, I have no idea what is in store for me (that made it exciting, isn't it? ). Whatever it is, I will take it in good stride and take every opportunity that comes my way as a challenge. And maybe, along the way, I will start to find that someone who will appreciate me. :)

十二月

每一年，到了这个月份，
我就有点忐忑不安。
一直很期待十二月的到来，
可是每一年的十二月，
总有许多的不如意。
所以我对十二月，
是又爱又恨。

几年前的十二月，
我失去了我的第一个亲人。
祖母是在几年前的十二月去世的。
虽然感情不深，但离别时仍然依依不舍。

三年后，我又在十二月失去了父亲。
还记得，那一年过年时，
家里都蒙上了一层层的忧伤。
虽然和父亲的感情一向不好，
可是心里还是悲痛的。

十二月，也曾经那么地令人难忘。
那刻骨铭心的那一个人，
也悄悄地选择在十二月逗留过。
如今回想起来，只能说岁月不饶人。
如今人成熟了，原来的刻骨铭心，
也不过如此。

去年在越南与寮国度过了最平静的十二月。
还记得，在Muang Ngoi度过了一生最平静的圣诞夜。
住在草屋里，抬头一望那数不清的北斗星，
四处宁静地连针掉落时，也听得见。
我的十二月，终于有了一丝的宁静。

今年的十二月，家里又再度陷入一片混乱。
家里最小的小宝得动头部手术。
小小宝一出世，头上便长着一粒tumour。
是先天性的blood vessel disorder。

她在医院整整躺了一个星期。
看到她，又看到小宝，
我想我以后真的不敢生。
把痛苦带给小孩子，
我真的于心不忍。

庆幸的是，小孩子都是健忘的。
如今她已康复中。
而我也因为她的康复，
在剩下寥寥无几的十二月，
得到了一点点的宁静。

槟城

我曾经说过，槟城和吉隆坡是两个禁地。
在有选择的情况下，我是不会踏上她们的土地。
可是，在四年后，我还是去了槟城。

这一次去槟城，还是一样住在Batu Ferringhi。
经过我们当年住的那间旅店，正在装修中。
原来它和我们一样，经不起时间的变迁。
踏上了那柔软的沙滩，
想起了我们当年那么放肆地在沙滩上睡着了。
醒来后，你提着我的衣服，相机，
然后沿着沙滩一步一步地走。

去到Burmanese and Thai temple，
我也记起了昔日的情景。
还有，我们到Gurney Drive 的大吃特吃。
你依旧那么地有风度，照料我的一切。

我不仅记起槟城的一切一切，
也想起了吉隆坡的种种。
我才了解，原来短短的四年，
我们到过许多地方，拥有许多的回忆。
有开心的，有不开心的。
不过，经过时间的冲淡，
我记起时，竟然笑了。

我曾经为这段我不晓得是不是感情的感情，
付出了真心，诚意。
曾经哭过，曾经歇斯底里。
如今，我竟然笑了，
是我释怀了还是我又输给了时间？

决定的价值

（刚从槟城回来，心情灰暗）

开开心心地去槟城度假，
心情却乱糟糟地会来。
我才了解，我还是非常介意我的决定。

我说过，我不想让任何人为我的决定负责。
因为，那是我自己的决定。
可是，当让我放弃梦想的原因都否定了我的决定，
我的决定是否还有它存在的价值？

当旁人提起我的决定时，
心还是不时不时地痛。
虽然澳洲不适合我，
可是走出去一直是我的梦。

如今，梦碎了，心也碎了。
我的决定到底有它存在的意义吗？

Happiness is.......

Just came back from a Buddhist seminar from Dr Thubten Jinpa. It was an enlightening seminar where the focus was happiness. I have decided to pen down some of the thoughts that were going through my mind.

First and foremost, everyone wanted to be happy. However according to the speaker, pursuation of happiness is a paradox. The more you seek it, the more it evaded from you. Frankly, that had never crossed my mind until today. But it did have some sense of truth in it. Some things when you tried too hard, it would not happen. It would be better to let nature takes its course. What we could do was to "create the conditions" to be happy.

There was a section on tips being happy. My friends was commenting that I had such good memories that I did not write down anything yet I could remember. I guess when something was very close to your heart, you would take an effort to remember. I find the tips to being happy rather insightful.

Rule 1: Adopt a positive outlook / attitude on your past.
Indeed, whatever that had happened served as a lesson. There was no need to hang on to it. Having said that, I did realise there were certain aspects of the past that I hang on quite tightly to. It was not that I did not want to let go, but it just sort of made me lose my faith having gone through the pain. After today's session, I hoped I would be able to come to terms with it better and learn to let go and have faith.

Rule 2: Avoid upward comparison if possible.
This had always been my philosophy in life though it was hard at times. Whatever tasks I undertook, I just made sure I tried my best. It was my principle. I had never attempted to compare with people who were better than me. Neither do I compare my achievements with people who were above me. Comparison hurt. I learnt through the hard way. However at times it was difficult because you may not try to compare with others, but you could be other people's targets.

Rule 3: Do not fully focus on goals.
This was indeed something new to me. For me, I pride myself as being a disciplined person. If I set my mind to achieve a goal, it was highly unlikely that I would fail. However after today's session, I began to have second thoughts. Perhaps sometimes when I was too focussed on the goals, I began to give myself unnecessary stress. I knew the theory that the journey was always more valuable than the goals. Maybe I ought to relook at my style of doing things, to be able to enjoy more out of it.

Rule 4: Nurture relationships that were significant in your life.
I think everyone knew this fact. It was so easy yet so hard. Family has always been my priority. Yet I am guilty of it. Most of the times, I am there physically but not mentally. I guess I just took them for granted at times. It was so silly. Family was the only one I would tell the truth without any qualms, they were the only I would show most of my true self, yet they were the one I sacrificed most of the times. It was time to prioritise really.

Rule 5: Seek a life that transcend one's existence.
This was a little too profound for me to comprehend at the moment. The theory was those who volunteered was always happier. Immediately I could think of one person who would object to this school of thought. For me, I wanted to give back to society within my means yet I could not find the time to commit. So to me, it became a grey area. I had the thought, yet I could not put it into action. Maybe deep down, I was always worried about commitment, worried about not having my private time. Come next year, I really hoped I could at least spare some time for community work. It was the least I could do and it was a resolution I set for myself next year. Not sure if I could derive happiness from there, but it had been something I wanted to do. Let nature takes its course. :)

Rule 6: Turn adversity into opportunities.
This was not too difficult as long as the element of confidence was present. For me, as long as I had my confidence level, I believed I could handle any situations. However, there were times when my confidence deserted me, and it was a difficult situation. I needed to work very hard to get my confidence level back in order not to drop to depression level. I had a chat with a friend recently on this issue. She told me throughout the years she knew me, she had never saw me flared up at people or things even though she knew I had a fiery temper. (I had to confess my way of venting frustrations was to complain about it and forget all about it :p) I guessed no matter how bad things went, I still retained that little bit of sanity to handle the situation. She was different. I had seen the fiery side of her when things went wrong. I guess when things were close to her heart, she would snap no matter how composed she usually was. But I believed a sense of control would create the ultimate condition towards the path of happiness.

In the new year to come, I would not strive to be happy. Rather, I would strive to create the conditions to being happy, being at peace with thyself.

My cosy little corner

Finally, I got my sofa bed delivered yesterday afternoon. It was a small wish that came true :) . Ever since I started working from home, I tried to make my home office as cosy as possible. However, it was not really possible because my study room was full of 'junk'. Let me count, I have 4 cupboards in the room, 1 sewing machine and 1 bookshelf. I guess that is what happened when you have been living in one place for too long, and everything has its value in the bank of memory, no matter how worthless it looked on the appearance.

I had to shift my furniture around, using my 'mathematical' and 'logic' sense of mind to fit this newly accquired furniture into the right place. It is really not an easy feat.

No matter how messy my study room looked, I still feel at ease there is some small corner that I can retreat into whenever I am tired physically and mentally. I called it my own solitude. Behind the sofa bed are all my 'masterpieces' that I have taken, places that i have visited, people who are dear to me and of course, pictures that expressed myself. It is a way of retreating into my inner world.

Yesterday, I had a first hand experience in finding my solitude. I turned on the classical music, and lying on the new sofa bed, I was reading Dalai Lama's "The Art of Happiness" and reflecting on myself. I was really at peace with myself. Perhaps in the many days to come, this small corner will be the best corner that I will treasure, finding new insights to my life and learning to become a better person.

幸与不幸之间

最近忽然发现周围的人都很不开心。
都市人，烦恼还真多，
不过很多时候，都是庸人自扰。

周围的人，最近都为情所困。
唉，不是为钱，就是为情。

和朋友聚会时，
才发现其中一位朋友的婚姻正面临考验。
还记得她结婚时，众人都献上了祝福。
五年后，要面对的却是另一个问题。

其实我一直对婚姻抱着不乐观的态度。
两个没有血缘的人要走完一生，
真的很不容易。
也许，我是一段不愉快婚姻的结晶，
所以一直走不出阴影。
婚姻对我来说， 不过是一张纸。
离婚也不过如此。

那天和L去徒步。
和L并不熟络，只是刚好约好。
原来，L也刚结束了11 年的婚姻，
又丢了工作。
我想，L此刻的心情应该陷入谷底。
L说，现在生活很糟糕，可是会积极面对。
还有更多人比自己不幸。
这句话说得很好。
做人应该积极面对现实。

忽然间，我觉得自己很幸福。
L说得对，如果满意自己的生活，
没有必要为了找个伴而找。
对于自己的单身生活，我还乐在其中。
偶尔，我会羡慕有个伴的人。
偶尔，我也想找个人。
可是，我始终没有信心。

好友说得对，姻缘是天注定。
如果是我的，它自然会属于我。
她说，既然不能强求，
我们还是享受我们俩的单身生活。
至少目前为止，我们还能相伴吧。

我就这样，处在幸福与不幸之间。
觉得自己已经成长了许多，
也比以前开心了许多。
读书的时候，老爱钻牛角尖。
现在偶尔还会，可是已经学习放开了。
原来要做到可遇不可求，还真不简单。

现在的我，只想平淡地过我的生活。
不想有太多的风浪，让我举棋不定。
原来在平淡中，也可以找到属于自己的天空。

祝福L和我那位朋友，
愿你们也能找到自己的蓝天。

A meaningful saturday

I decided to do something different last saturday. Instead of the usual trekking, surfing of web, I decide to bake cookies. Actually I must say I am quite a good baker :) . Not that I am boasting, but at least the cookies were still edible though for a few "mishaps" here and there.

Last saturday, I decided to give almond cookies a try. To be honest, that was my first try. I went to the Internet to search for the simplest form of ingredients. And I was amazed by my own creativity. When I could not find a particular ingredient, I subsituted it with something I thought that would taste equally good. My, maybe I am really talented in this area for all I know. Hahah. Enough of the crap.

The reason I set on almond cookies was because a close friend of mine love them. Yes, just as she knew I loved cheese cakes and baked them for me, I decided to bake for her on her coming birthday. I guess that would be something different for this year's celebration. I think as one ages, friends become more and more important. The irony thing is, as I grew older, I suddenly realised I have many close friends, more than I can account for.

The end product was better than expected. My folks mentioned it was too hard, but the taste was good. I guess there is always room for improvement on everything. I will set to perfect it in time for my friend's birthday, for christmas and maybe for VDay :p Maybe that will set start to my next goal in life, to open a small guesthouse, with a snack shop, selling all different types of cookies.

无边无际

很喜欢这张在白茫垭口拍的照片。
看到照片时，我的第一感觉：
宇宙如此的大，人如此地渺小。
记得徒步雨崩时， 有一则寻人启事。
老爹说，到了雨崩，就发现生命如此脆弱。
转眼间，就消失了。

其实换个角度来看，
宇宙如此之大，无边无际，
我们真的不应该给自己设太多的局限。

原来在日常生活中，
我的心并没有想象中的大。
面对感情，事业，亲情，友情，
我都给自己太多的局限。
回过头，才发现越来越渺小。

Happiness is a state of mind。
在追求目标的当儿，
我忽略了心灵上的空虚。
原来，我所追求的并不是我所追求的。

Talking to new friends

I have to admit, I am not in the best of moods ever since I came back from Yunnan. I have been feeling down to the point I would rate myself as a mild depression. I hated the kind of motion I was going through. I felt useless and I could not give meaning to the things that I was about to undertake. All in all, I felt I was going down down down. And the fact that I was working from home made it worse because I could not meet new people, open up new perspectives. In short, I could not find people to talk to when I needed it most.

I started making new acquaintances via msn. Yes, I am a party animal. I need to talk to feel alive. By new acquaintances, I do not really mean new friends. They refer to people whom I have contact with, but I have not really sat down and talked to them seriously. Is amazng how God's creation is really. When He closed a door, He opened a window. I had a 'slight' argument with one of my gems over the problem I was facing and I realised it was difficult to relate to her how I was feeling. Somehow, when a person knows you too well, there is a lot of preassumptions and it is difficult to break it down.

The first person that came was really unexpected. It was E, one my kakis to Yunnan. Honestly, I do not know her very well. All my kakis know I had some problem with my body ever since I came back. In short, my whole body felt weak and they thought it was phyiscal. So it all started one day with E asking me if I felt better. So it turned out, the conversation turned from the physical problem to mental problem. It turned out she perfectly understood what I was going through. Maybe she did not have the preassumptions about the problem and the party involved and she was able to see the problem in a different light. I was really grateful to her. It turned out that she too was a deep thinker. However, she chose to be happy whenever she could. In the end, the chat lasted about 2-3 hours and that sort of brought us closer together.

Sometimes friendship is really a funny thing. Out of nowhere, somebody came and offered consolation and in the end, I find myself another friend. We did mention, someday we should travel together again for both of us really had so much fun with each other. Honestly, without her, the trip would not be as enjoyable as it was.

The second person that came was JY. Frankly, I was only close to JY after we left where we came from. He went on to pursue his dreams in USA and he was someone I really admired. He reminded me of my younger days. I used to have the aspirations of working in Silicon Valley, USA once I graduated. But that was just a dream and this guy really went all the way out to fulfill his childhood dreams. It was again via msn that we got closer. It was funny. Maybe during msn, I could relate myself better.

He was going through a bad patch in life when he msn me. I felt sorry for him for he was all alone in USA. He just chatted with me not too long ago, about all the wonderful pictures he painted. I guess it was just not meant to be. Somehow, all the msn sessions brought us closer together. It became quite a normal routine for us to be chatting on our daily lives and events. It ranged from perspectives on relationships to the problems/struggles we faced. Somehow we clicked. And indeed, he was one of the rare male friends that I could chat freely with. Perhaps, he was such a nice guy and always so positive and more importantly, he was far away, so there was no expectations. Despite his heartbreak, he would check on me to make sure I was feeling good. I was truly appreciative of his good intentions.

For the next two days, he would be going through something hopeful. Really, I hope he would make it this time round. At least, amidst all the bad things he was going through, there was still something good that came out of it. Perhaps, that could be the window that God has left open for him. Like what I said to him, I will be praying for him.

Sometimes when I looked back, I guess we really have to keep an eye on the people around us. You never know who you know until you try. Things in life are so unpredictable. We may get too engrossed in our past relationships / friendships that we neglect those who are ready to lend a helping hand/ ear when the occasion arises.

寻找信心

我已经迷迷糊糊地过了一个星期。
已经有一段日子， 抗拒醒来。
一醒来，我就全身无力。
然后，我告诉自己是云南的后遗症。

其实，我比谁都清楚，那是怎么一回事。
潜意识里我一直回不到现在。
我一直活在云南的日子里。
我想，我抗拒苏醒。

友人说我患上了工作恐惧症。
说我拒绝回到工作岗位上，
去做我应该做的事。

在我很努力的分析下，
我觉得我失去了生活的重心。
我，失去了信心。
我，失去了去相信的信心。
所以，我选择堕落。

信心，一件对我很重要的东西。
我永远都是那么有自信，
可是最近的我怎么了？

新的挑战，让我很彷徨。
原来要和朋友工作，是一件很难的事。
我常常要顾忌对方对我的期望，
和对自己的要求。
于是，我想如果有一天反目成仇，
陪上了一段友谊， 值得吗？

我害怕，也不敢想。
毕竟这个朋友是我一直很感激的人。
如果没有遇见这个人，
今天的我也无法走那么远。

因为有了心理的负担，
所以一直没有信心把工作做好。
友人误以为是朋友给我太多的压力。
而我多番的解释都没用，
所以心理很不舒服。

不晓得是不是因为心情低落，
人也变得脆弱。
一直很害怕眼前的一切会消失，
想捉也捉不住。
已经很久很久没有这种感觉了。

我想到我身边的人。
很怕他们都离我而去，
也怕目前的情感会改变。
于是，我想到了死亡。
那是一个很可怕的思绪。

如果这个世界上只剩我一人，
我该怎么办？
我无法承受这样的打击。

曾经和友人说过，
如果有一天我昏迷不醒，
我的家人一定不可以放弃我，
因为我有信心我一定会苏醒过来。

可是换个角度来看，
如果身边最亲的人都不在了，
生命不就没意义了吗？
那时，我还会苏醒吗？

这些可怕的想法，这几天都在脑里打转。
是因为我失去我的重心，我的信心吗?
我的斗志，到底跑到哪里了？

到现在为止，我还是没往回头看。
可是，我真的无法解释我现在的心情。
或许，我晓得许多事都在随着时间改变，
而我却无能为力。
感觉很差劲。

重生

去了神瀑回来，感觉自己重生了。
也许淋了圣水的那一刹那，
把自己都彻底地“洗”干净了。
我不是个迷信的人，
但我想借此改变一下自己。
或许，就这样可以更接近自己想成为的人。

十月一日，对我来说很特别。
我觉得那是我重生的日子。
做了一个会影响一生的决定，
我觉得是时候释怀了。
不想再提过去，不想再想会是怎么样。
不想再说是为了谁。
我想是时候为自己的决定负责。
这样，对谁都公平。

一份新的挑战，心情难免有点七上八下。
已经很久没有感受这样的压力。
有压力是好的，那才有推动力。
是有种又期待，又害怕的心理。
很矛盾的心情。

想借这个重生的机会，
改变一下自己的作风。
没耐性的个性，要改。
先入为主的个性，要改。
太爱说活，要改。

不晓得在不久的将来，
能否看到一个有耐性，主观，然后又聆听多过说活的自己？
如果有，我想我已经成为我想要成为的人了。

感谢有这次重生的机会。

从云南回来以后

从云南回来以后，就个一个字形容自己，累。

累，不是普通的累。

我从来没有试过，用三天的时间去睡觉。

然后，第二天醒来之后，还是全身无力，不想起床。

我想，潜意识里我也不想回到现实。

所以体力和精神都停留在云南高原里。

其实，一段长途旅行，我最讨厌的就是现在的心情。

那种与几个志同道合的朋友胡闹过后，

得收拾起心情，调整心情，回到现实。

我，是个适应能力很差的人。

所以每次长途跋涉回来后，都会有一点点的失落。

去Europe 是这样，去丝路是这样，

去日本是这样，去越南是这样，

云南也逃不过心情的挑逗。

然后，我就得拼命让自己回到现实。

云南，那让人向往的十七天。

我的记忆里，除了Europe，丝路，日本，和越南，还多了云南。

很喜欢老爹开着车，往下一个目的地前进时，

后面的同伴都睡着了，旁边的同伴不断的摄影，

而我就让思绪飞呀飞，写着我的心情。

很喜欢，我们每天为了每天的吃喝而烦。

很喜欢，我们每到一个地方，为了卫生间而愁。

我总是最后一个进去，然后就会问同伴们，“怎么样，臭吗？” （哈哈）

很喜欢，我们每天为了明天的行程而担忧。

那种随心所欲的旅程，太棒了。

没有时间的限制，想呆多久就呆多久。

还记得我们去了半天的苍山，

老爹见了我们不禁讽刺地问“苍山很美是吗？”

我们都傻笑了，因为苍山都被雾盖过了，什么都看不见。

只是我们不好意思说，我们在山上出了点意外。

还有玉龙雪山，为了能再一次看到冰川，

我们四个人，淋着雨在上面等雾散。

老爹还以为海拔太高，太冷了，我们晕倒了。

很喜欢，去雨崩徒步的感觉。

那种自我挑战的境界。

虽然徒步很辛苦，可是倔强的我们怎么样都不肯骑驴子。

最后，我们成功了。

去雨崩，神瀑，冰川，我们都是靠自己的双腿和毅力。

我为这班人感到骄傲。

真的， 有太多太多美好的回忆了。

现在想起来，还会引人发笑。

四个人的旅程，的确比两个人来的好玩。

不知道是否有机会再一次旅行，

不过这一次旅程的种种，将会成为我宝贵记忆的一部份。

谢谢你们，你们是最棒的。

我的配角，我的导演， 我的观众。

少了你们，我这个主角也演不下去。

这一次的离别不伤感

终于又到了离别的时候。
说真的，这一次的离别是我伤感最少的一次。
是我成长，看开了，还是我累了？

比起三年前，离开SP那依依不舍的心情，
我只能说现在的心情格外地平静。
也许在这个地方，我并没有付出真正的感情，
所以没有SP那种抽心的疼，
伤感也减到最低。

在这里，到目前为止，我可以说我到达我事业的巅峰。
我一直盼望事业上有的突破，都在这里一一地实现了。
或许，这里少了许多情感上的诱惑，
所以我才能那么地专注于我的工作。
也因为这样，才发现原来自己是适合IT 的。
以前一直觉得自己不适合，甚至想转行，
都是因为一直遇不到欣赏自己的人。
所以我一直很珍惜那个给我机会的人。

这里的同事，我想我会想念，
但不回太刻意吧。
毕竟，我们拥有的不多。
虽然说，我们有欢笑，有悲伤，
但始终少了些什么。
也许，因为大家都有了家事，
所以胡闹的日子也非常有限。
很感激认识他们，
他们教会了我什么叫尽责，
也让我学会了什么叫知足常乐。
不知道，我们是否有缘在做同事？

虽然是离别，但心情其实轻松多过伤感。
在这里，不能完成在香港的工作是我的遗憾，
但我也成长，也看开了。
于是我了解，只要尽力了，就应该无怨无悔。
轻松， 因为再不关我的事了。

我喜欢这样的离别方式。
轻轻松松地，淡淡地，
没有太多的伤感，没有太多的眷恋。
也许这样，我不会那么惦记着过去，
比较容易move on 吧。

我一直认为不要拿过去做比较，
一定要活得比现在更好。
这样，我才会进步。

爱情观

三十岁的我，终于认真地思考找个伴的可能性。
是寂寞吗？还是不想孤独一生？
我不晓得。

只晓得，快乐的时候，
想和另一个人分享。
只晓得，伤心的时候，
希望有个肩膀可以靠。
只晓得，无助的时候，
希望有人能给我希望，永远不遗弃我。

和友人聊起我的爱情观时，
她问我想找什么样的人。
我说，我想找个聪明但脚踏实地的人。
这样的人存在吗？
友人信心满满地和我说，
有，只是我还没遇到。

年少的时候，向往的爱情都是刻骨铭心的。
想在有生之年，轰轰烈烈地爱一回，
那就不枉此生。
爱过后，受伤后，
才发现其实爱情是可以很简单的。

三十岁的我，领悟到其实爱情是可以淡淡的，但清新的。
不需要太多的海誓山盟， 太多的甜言蜜语。
取而代之的，是一颗真诚的心，一句细心的问候。
更多的时候，只是简单的生活对白。
那就是成熟的我，所向往的简单爱情。
爱情其实不需要太惊心动魄。
爱情其实可以纯纯地，像一杯醇酒。
经过长时间的酿制，纯纯的也可以变得很香，很浓。

我想经过长时间的酿制的东西，才会长久吧。
我何时才能找到我那简单但很香很浓的爱情呢？

香港的遗憾

（于Conrad的最后一晚）

终于还是走到了这里，
已经到了这份工作的最后一次公干。
其实，这已经是连我自己也数不清的第几次工干。
我想，我已经麻木了。

用手指算一算，
其实在香港还留下许多的遗憾吧。
人生因为有遗憾，才圆满吧。

我始终没办法完成在香港的工作。
这对我的事业来说，是莫大的遗憾。
我已经尽了全力，
或许全力还不够吧。
说真的，心情真的有点低落。
我就是那么追求完美的一个人吧。

追求完美，所以有失望。
因为还能够付出，所以就还有要求吧。
我想我必须学习控制一下自己的情绪。

来了那么多次香港，
才发现，原来很多想去的地方都没去。
好像说好要去尖沙嘴的laser show，
说好要去饮茶等等，
我始终都没做到。

或许生在其中的时候，
什么都是taken for granted 吧，
直到是最后一次体验的时候，
才发现时间过得太快，
没有好好地去做该做的事。

我的人生又要迈向另一个旅程碑，
希望我真的不要有太多的遗憾。
希望我懂得珍惜眼前的人与物。
更希望我会成为更好的一个人。

康复中

最近都在忙忙碌碌中过日子。
小宝的手术终于过去了，
心里也放下了一块大石。

说真的，小宝好像我自己的儿子。
也许因为他两个星期大的时候就得动手术，
所以对他格外地怜惜吧。

他动手术的前后，我都一直陪着他。
他不断地问，为什么是他？ 为什么上天选择了他？
我只能摇着头对他说，那是上天给你的考验。
看你到底是不是个坚强的孩子。

他的心情，我彻底地了解。
还记得我不幸发生意外时，
我也不断地问，为什么是我。
后来我才晓得，那是因为上天知道我够坚强，
一定过得了他给我的考验，成为一个更好的人。

也许因为有同样的遭遇，
所以我可以更了解他的心情。
其实对他来说，
这个手术只是他生活的一个开始。
他晓得，十年后，他又得面临另一个考验。
或许，那时的他已经麻木了吧。

无论如何，我希望他可以用平常心来看待。
希望他不要丧失他的乐观，他的幽默。
更希望，他会因此而更懂事，更坚强。
我相信，他会是个不平凡的人。

加油，小宝！

Marcus

等了八年，家人和我害怕的一天，终于要降临了。
说真的，这几天的心情很糟。
一直在为下个星期五做准备。

八年了，上一次Marcus 动手术的时候，是八年前。
那时候的他，不过是个刚出世两个星期的宝宝。
这个孩子，一出世似乎就和医院脱离不了关系。
由于心跳比较慢，所以在两个星期大时，
便注定了他一辈子要靠heartpacer 过活。
身为我家的第一个孙子，
这对我们来说无疑是一个承重的打击。

手术过后，去看他时，全身差满了系管。
我的心，哭了。
看了他的系管沾满了他的血，
心好疼好疼。
于是，我每天都坚持到医院去陪他。
看到他渐渐地康复，心情才恢复平静。

这八年来，我们一直祈祷他会不药而愈。
一直祈求这个小宝，不需要再饱受另一次手术的痛苦。
在我的眼里，他一直是那么出色。
一直都那么地善良，善解人意。
为什么他要饱受这么多煎熬？
太不公平了。

刚才和他聊起手术时，
他问我，要是手术过后他醒不来，怎么办？
看他的彷徨，他的忧虑，我感到很无助。
如果可以，我真的希望可以代替他。

八岁的他，已经懂事了。
他已经晓得什么是害怕。
我只能不断地安慰他。
他和我说，他不想去想。
不去想，就不会害怕。
八岁的他，已经成熟了。

现在我能做的，
就是希望他早日康复。
因为他还有很长的路要走，
还有许多梦要去实现。
这只是他人生的一个小小煎熬，
他一定能克服。

希望他一切都会没事。
这是我现在唯一希望的。

这一夜的我，为了他而哭了。

Tiger Roll

Hmm, went for a 'matchmaking' session a few days ago. It was not exactly a 'matchmaking' but rather a farewell session. It had been 3 years in the current company and it dawned on me that actually I seldom lunched with my colleagues. Now that I have signalled my intention to leave, a few actually came up to me and would like to have a meal with me. I guessed when it was always the last few times, we would cherish the times more together, wasnt it?

Anyway, K initiated a lunch session with me. She was my bubbly secretary who always tried her best to help me process my airtickets and accommodation. Throughout my business trips, we had built a rapport. Our conversations went from normal trips arrangement to personal small talks. Upon realising that I was still single and available, she wanted to promote another colleague of mine, TR, to me. I did not mind knowing one more friend before I left, so in the end, a weird combination of 3 of us went for lunch. I had insisted that it was a lunch and not farewell for I did not know TR well.

The lunch session went well. TR was chatty and so was K. TR was the typical guy next door. The kind that would make a good husband. Generous and caring, and willing to learn. Do not be mistaken, I am still neutral to him. In the end, TR insisted paying for the meal, so K took the chance to promote him further. Out of token of my appreciation, I decided to get him some pastries. K told me he loved tiger roll. My God, I never knew what tiger roll was until two days ago. It was a typical chocolate swiss roll wrapped up in yellow skin which made it looked like tiger skin and was on sale at Bengawan Solo. Anyway, I did not manage to get the tiger roll to TR but I ended up with egg tarts instead. I guessed it was just Fate. And then it was the 'secret operation'. I asked K to pass to him, otherwise I would make the headlines to the intranet the very next day. It seemed like an 'underground' mission again.

The whole episode actually came to an end here. But it did sparked off some thoughts over at my side. I just felt uneasy now even talking to K because the whole conversation would always surround TR and me. And my the other colleagues were not making it easy for me either. But where did the uneasiness come from? I could not explain.

For one, I am definitely sure I am not interested in TR at this moment, at least not now. But then again, in my opinion, he is definitely the kind who can bring happiness to his partner. He is well-tamed, holy (he went to India's monastry to mediate) and considerate. Faced with such a perfect guy, I do not know where I stand. By right, I should be taking the initiative to 'go after' him. But no, I was not moved at all. I guessed something was just not right. Perhaps I have lost the courage to take the initiative after the last painful experience. Perhaps TR was perfect, but perhaps too perfect for me. I did not know.

It set me wondering. What am I looking for? How do I explain the confusion that I am going through now? I always thought I was ready to accept somebody now. However, faced with such a guy, I hesitated. Was it because of TR, him or was it something else? Maybe I am still not ready. I wondered who could really move me these days? Have I given up on relationship? Perhaps, TR was too perfect for me. He had everything a woman would look for except that he was too honest. I seemed so silly. I appreciated honesty but somehow if TR was the kind of man I was waiting for, hmmm, a feeling of sadness dwelled over me. I guessed I was looking for more than the usual qualities. I did not know. I landed myself in a confusion stage again. Ha.

Anyway, I wished TR all the best. I hoped one day he would find his perfect girl and I am sure he would be able to do his best to give the girl happiness. If only I could learn to appreciate his beauty. Sighz!

南丫岛之恋II之完结篇

我在南丫岛最喜欢的一个角落。

再一度游玩南丫岛，她依旧那么美丽。
这一次的游玩，总算是给自己一个交代。

终于，有了一个决定。

心情，依然是那么地平静。

我再一次回到我熟悉的角落，
任由我的思绪飞呀飞呀。
想着我刚做的决定。
这样的决定好吗？

友人曾经说过，
很少人能确定自己的决定。
重要的是，要对自己的决定感到舒服。
那么决定不会错。

想着想着，无论我的决定是什么，
我想我都能释怀。
只不过对于我的选择，有那么一点点的遗憾。

遗憾，因为我放弃了我的梦。
遗憾，因为我始终走不出去。
遗憾，因为我没鼓气勇气去追随我的意愿。
遗憾，就象这一次我始终没在南丫岛走完我为自己设下的目标。

但，人生真的不完美。
有遗憾是好的，至少让我懂得珍惜。
至少，我以后将拥有的一切，
是我用我的遗憾换回来的，
所以我会特别地珍惜接下来的风风雨雨。

从第一次到南丫岛对自己的决定举棋不定，
到第二次到南丫岛对抉择的释怀，
我想终于有了个结果。

是开心，因为我有能力面对自己，面对一切。
是快乐，因为我开始为自己的决定点算一切。
是激昂，因为我又要为自己的前途而奋斗。

从云南度假回来后，
我会再一次踏上我人生的另一个巅峰。
希望我能把我的遗憾遗忘，
为自己的人生继续加油。

希望我永远不会为了我的遗憾而后悔。
希望再一次回到南丫岛时，我不再是孤独一人。
希望明天会更好。

Money = Motivation???

Recently, my company has been hit by a spate of resignations. Apart from myself who had indicated my decision to leave one year ago to puruse my dreams, the rest of the resignations were tied to political reason with existing colleagues joining a competitor. The company in its bid to stop people from leaving, tried to force the key staff to sign a contract that will lock them in for at least one year.

Of course, a contract come with a price. It comes with a huge increment in exchange for 15 months of freedom to move around. That set me thinking. Not to get me wrong, I am not jealous. I am sure if i were to revert my decision to stay put, I will also be offered the same terms. Money is definitely something everyone is working towards to. But the most important thing is, can money buy motivation and more importantly loyalty?

I have been enticed before by the attractive terms when my previous boss left. I enjoyed my job then and in order to motivate me, I was given a huge increment. At that moment, I was thinking it did not matter as I enjoyed my job and the project and I was not feeling much heat as yet when my boss left. After half a year, the same issue came back and they used the same method to tempt people.

I always have held the principle that I do not work for money. It sounded very noble. But if you ponder over it, if the only motivation for your work is money, one day money will become a demotivator. So I always make it a point to enjoy my job, my boss and my environment. If one of the factors is missing, then is time to say goodbye. And so the saying goes, most of the people leave their bosses rather than their job.

Is a pity really to be leaving at this moment when things are starting to get exciting. But like I say, one of the factors is missing and sad to say money cannot motivate me anymore. I would rather start somewhere afresh and learn to become a better person. The longer I stayed on, the worse a person I will become because I have lost my motivation. I should not be staying to demotivate others.

If money cannot motivate me, it definitely cannot buy my loyalty. I think I am proud of this principle that I uphold all the times. It is sad to see that we become slaves to money. I have seen a few examples in the company. They were given huge increment to stop them from leaving, from joining competitor. However after staying on, they were just surfing internet everyday to pass day. I bet these people would not be leaving, at the same time they have stopped progressing. They leave their knowledge, their experience and most importantly their aspirations behind. I think it is really ridiculous. The people in my company are getting increment every 3 months just because of some political reason. It seemed the wage system is collasping. And because of that, I think money has become a demotivating factor for me. What an irony!

I just hope whatever my final decision is, I will still uphold that principle not to be enticed by money whereever I go. I promised myself whereever I go, I will become a better person, more systematic, less emotional and more assertive. In short, to progress to the next stage of my life.

Cheers to my next chapter of life. :)

成长的决定

活了三十年，才晓得这一次，真的很难做决定。
我，已经摆脱了以往的潇洒，再也不在我行我素。
我想，我成长了。
可以从做决定的过程，看到自己的成熟。
我，应该开心。

原来岁月真的不饶人。
原来在岁月的蹉跎下，小妹妹也会变成小女人。
原来以往在意的一切，在认真地考虑下，也变得不重要了。
原来还有那么多的原来。
原来我真的长大了。

梦想与现实，往往都不能如愿以偿。
我晓得，无论我选择什么，
心还是会有一点点的疼。
脑子也不时会浮现许多的如果。
我晓得，那就是成长的代价。
我考虑的不再只是自己，更多时候是身边的人的感受。
我知道我选择了让我身边的人，少一点伤心，多一点开心。
我想我唯一能做的就只有这样。

面对我的决定，我会后悔吗？
我这样问我自己。
后悔，我想不会，不过会有一点遗憾吧。
遗憾，因为我始终没有走出去，去体验生活。
可是，如果我走出去，可能我会后悔。
后悔，因为我没有付出时间去陪我认为生命里最重要的人。

考虑了一年，有了这样的决定，
自己也不晓得用什么来形容自己的心情。
是责任，遗憾的交叠。
不是开心，也不是伤心。
我想，我还需要时间来调解心情吧。

成长的决定，原来会令心情那么复杂。

南丫岛之恋

从南丫岛回来了两个星期，心里还是一直念念不忘那了地方。
对我而言， 那两天的小歇， 是我自己的心灵之约。

很久以前，就向往着南丫岛。听说过她种种的美，种种的好，
现在终于有机会去探索她。
心，是平静的。

到中环乘搭渡轮到达后，第一件事就是解决住宿问题。
于是， 我找了一间靠大路的度假屋，开始一个人的旅程。
刚踏进房间时，有一点不习惯。
可能我的脑海里还停留在五星级的要求，
一时之间，转不过来。
渐渐的，我适应了，也开始喜欢上我那小小的房间。

安顿好了之后，我便在岛上四处逛逛。
很喜欢当时的感觉，到了南丫岛，我差一点就忘了我在香港。

傍晚的时分，我便到海边旁，走走坐坐，任由思绪地飞。
我只知道，我很享受当时的感觉，那种与事无争的感觉。
我，爱上了南丫岛。
爱上了她的朴素，她的宁静。

就这样，我在海边消磨了整个傍晚。
想起了我的未来，我得做的决定。
南丫岛之那么深刻，我想跟我的决定多少有点关系。
虽然不到最后一刻，我不想把决定说出来，
可是我的确是在那里思考了人生的一个重要的决择。
我想，我的人生也会因为这个决定而改变。

潜意识里，我不想把我的决定说出来，
也许因为我还有些不明确吧。
所以纵然母亲已经认定我已经放弃了我的公民权，
我始终不肯明确地回复她。
我，在等待什么，我也不知道。
希望在这两个月里，我会得到一些提示，
让我的意志力可以坚决一些。

在南丫岛里，也不时想起他。
说起来很奇怪，其实我已经放下了，
可是我们到过的地方，拥有的一切，
却不断地浮现。
我，也不晓得为什么。
我，想起了我们在海边那么地放肆地睡着了，
那一起去看萤火虫的日子。

最近，我才发现，纵然他有多么的不好，
可是他没有企图骗过我。
这一点，的确让我欣慰，虽然我晓得，
他也是无事不登三宝店。
至少，他让我看到最纯的一面吧。

再过两个星期，我又要重游南丫岛，
去完成我未完成的旅程。
这一趟的心灵之约，不晓得又会有什么样的启发呢？

我，依旧期待着。
期待着那还没被污染的心窗。

Health...Decision....Timing

Hmm, I am sitting all alone in Conrad Hong Kong thinking of the things that happened to me for the past few weeks/ months. Really, have been feeling very down. It is really unlike me. I guess we all have our ups and downs period. It just so happened I am at the valley now, hopefully I will perk up soon.

Sms one of my friend yesterday. She was asking about my decision to stay put or to venture down under. At this moment, I think I still do not have an answer for her. I hope after this weekend when I go into retreat at Lamma island, I will have a clearer picture. I told her the possibility of me staying put is higher partly due to family and partly due to health.

It is really ironical. I went on a dieting spree at the start of this year. In 6 months, I lost about 15kgs or close to. I thought I should have a clear bill when I went for a medical checkup. After all, I did not starve myself and I exercise regularly. There was no reason to have any problems. I felt good and physically fitter. Well unfortunately things did not always turn out as they expected to be.

When my medical report came back, I was diagnosed with elevated liver enzymes. It sounded so scary. Am I having some problems? I was confused. All along I never had any problems with my liver. What contributed to it? A check at the doc indicated that it was nothing worrying. It was a common aliment. But I did not feel at ease. Doc said it could be due to fatty liver. God knows what that means. To make matter worse, I saw that I had an abnormal borderline ECG. I have to admit I felt nervous during the ECG, but it seemed the doc just skipped through. Really puzzling. And yet the worst was yet to come. My menses came twice in 2 weeks. I got a shock of my life. Last time it would come every 3-6 months, and now twice in 2 weeks. I really had no idea what my body was coming to.

I had a chat with another good friend. She mentioned probably my body was too stressed up with all the exercising and stress from work. Probably i guess. I had been losing a lot of hair recently as well. So i guess my hormones were really unbalanced. Probably I really needed a long deserved break before I take off my next journey. I do not know.

It seemed like it was a sign to tell me that I should stay put. With my health in this stage, I did not think it was a good idea to venture down under when I could only depend on myself. I guess I am scared and worried at the time. I saw the agonizing look on my mother's face when I told her I had liver problem. It then dawned on me that I really could not bear to upset her anymore given her age. Perhaps for once, I should really consider her feelings and put her before me and stop her from worrying. It seemed like a test for me, to see how determined I was to go down under.

I think I have agonised over this issue long enough. It had been more than a year? I think. Everytime when I think I have made up my mind, something else would happen to sway my decision. This is really so unlike me. I guess as one grows older, their priorities in life changes. And i realise my biggest priority in life now is my mother at this moment. 3 years ago when I applied for my PR, things were so different. I wanted to venture out, to experience life, to be independent. But now, I am not so sure. I guess I had learnt the value and concept of time. I just do not want live to regret my decision for not being able to spend more time with my mother when I could.

At this stage, my mind is still like a whirlpool. There were simply too many things going on in my life. Hopefully after Lamma island, I could take some time to think things through there to decide what I want in my life. Whatever it is, I think I want to take a 1-2 months break, away from work, away from stress and truly enjoy the meaning of taking a break.

Hopefully things will turn out well for me.

Home Alone

Today marks the last day of me being home alone. How time flies. It has been 10 days since my folks left for holidays to Hokkaido and Sendai and I think I still have not made full use of the time being home alone. I guessed I was just to busy with my life as always.

Occassionally, it feels good to be home alone. I have the freedom in the world to "mess up" the house, to do whatever I wanted. I could get up at any time I wanted, and I could dish up any dishes whenever I felt like it. And of course, it feels good to enjoy the peace that is hardly evident in the house of mine as it was always full of people. But I guess the good things end here.

The bad things: I need to clean up the house after messing it up. Doing housework was never my forte. If there was any extra time, I would rather spending it surfing web or reading. However, as I promised my mother, I would be able to take care of the house and be a rare homemake for once. Every 2 or 3 days, I would need to wash my clothes. Washing clothes was not really difficult, but the difficult part is washing it without the washing machine. I knew I was being silly, trying to use the washing board, wasting precious time. But I guessed through doing it, I would truly appreciate my mother's efforts in keeping the house spick and span. Plus, my poor back acted up due to overexercise and on top of the housework, it was quite a tortue for me. After washing the clothes, then it was to mopping the floor and cleaning the dishes. These were quite light chores I guess. But the real challenge was how to keep the ants out of the house. Really had no idea where all the ants came from. I had to think of ways and means just to get rid of the different types of ants in the home. After all these housework and exercise time, I guess there was really only little time for me to enjoy. Sighz, I guessed I was not as good a time manager compared to my mother.

The other bad thing is when I needed somebody to talk to, I could not turn to anyone. There were just certain things that I did not like to talk to friends. I just got back my MRI scan reports. Results were not as optimistic as i hoped to be. There some collateral between my L4 and L5 and I needed to consult a specialist. No doubt I was worried. I wished my family especially my mother was there then to share the burden with me. It was then I realised I was not as strong as I thought myself to be, nor was I as independent. It dawned on me my mother was my pillar of strength all these while.

With this experience of being home alone, I really ought to think carefully if I wanted to live alone for the next 2 years in a foreign land. Things could be worse as besides my family, I would not have my friends with me as well. When I met a setback in life, I guessed my only soulmate would be my laptop. The thought of it made me quite pessimistic. Whatever it is, I guess I would have a decision by the time I come back from HongKong business trip.

And of course, I am looking forward to tomorrow where my folks will be back.

3rd May

3rd of May - Today marks the 14th anniversary of my "committing suicide" stint and to tell the truth, I am suffering from sore back at this moment. And I am trying to bring my posture straight. Time really flies, it has been 14 years since the incident happened.

14 years ago, on this particular fateful day, I jumped down from the second storey in school after being trapped in the school deliberately with another mate. She was the one who made me stayed back after school and we were up to some mischief then. However, only a few of my close friends knew about this incident. I still remembered the moment I jumped down, I landed on my butt and as a result, I suffered from compression fracture as the doctor labelled it. I was hysterical when I reached the hospital, worried that I would become paralysed. It was after when I was discharged from the hospital that did I realise, I was about 0.1mm away from paralysis. I still remembered the doctor used a thin thread and put in between the cracks and he told me, that was how close I was to lifelong paralysis.

At that moment, I did not know how to react. Happy that I could still walk and kick or sad that I had a chip off and I would suffer from backache for the rest of my life. One thing was for sure, it was the start of my hatred for my mate whom I think caused me to be in that predicament. It was the first time in my life that I had actually hated anybody. I hated her for causing me to be in a cast for 2 months and inconveniencing my family especially my mother. Because of her, I could not roam around as freely as I should and most importantly, I would be carrying this injury with me for the rest of my life. I sank into depression mode, I did not want to see anybody.

Anyway, I just remembered it took me 6 years to forgive her. Though we never quarrelled, I tried my best to avoid meeting her. Seeing her will remind me of my folly back then and I really regretted my decision to jump then. It was like my body was no longer perfect and I could not do strenous exercise. As a result, it made it very difficult for me to lose weight as there were lots of activities that I could not do. Even up to this date, I still try to avoid meeting her alone. Not that I still hate her, I just feel she was a jinx to me. Whenever we were together, something bad would have happened.

Up to this date, we still kept in touch, but no one has ever brought up this incident again. I am not sure how she felt bad then when she saw how badly injuried I was. I just rememebred when I was lying on the hospital bed, she was very guilty and apologised to me. I guessed we have just grown out of this incident. Perhaps, all along she felt a sense of guilt towards me, and never dared to bring up this incident. As for me, I think I took it quite badly at first. However as time progressed, I realised this incident made me a better person. I was truly able to understand the essence of forgive and forget. Indeed, it was very painful to hate somebody. It made me a very bad and negative person. I began to realise I had to be partly responsible for what had happened. Most of all, it brought on a lot of insights about myself.

I think that could be a turning point in my life. When everything was going too smoothly, sometimes you would not sit down and give it more thoughts. But when misfortune struck, you would dwell over it and try to understand why you were the chosen one. Throughout that six months I was in depression, I asked a lot of whys. I knew I could never be the same me again. That incident had forced me to grow up at a rate I did not want to. I had matured instantly at that period of life. It was the first time in my life that I went through a lot of emotional struggles and coming to terms with reality that I could not do some of the things (like roller blading) that others could do. That was acceptance of reality.

Anyway that was 14 years ago. Everything happened for a reason. At that instant, we would always question why. Looking back, I guess it was a way for me to grow up, to accept the harsh reality. Though I cannot say I am glad that this incident happened, I am just contented that it did not make me into a negative person. I could lose anything in the world, but the last thing I would want to lose is my positive outlook towards life. Hopefully the optimisim will accompany me for the rest of my life.

Cheers to 14 years of celebration.

Flying higher and higher

Work is taking its toll on me. I really cannot picture myself staying in this current job for any much longer. I think the boss really matters to me where work is concerned. I have to work for someone who I admired or at least respect for, otherwise I cannot feel motivated. Right now, I am counting down to the day that I will call it quits. It is another about one month before I will hand in that letter, meanwhile is all about endurance.

Sometimes, I really wonder, when did I really start losing my motivation? To be honest, I still like what I am doing currently, but there are just certain things that I cannot come to terms with. I guess it has something to do with principle. For example, I cannot tolerate the fact that when one of my staff is not performing, instead of being sent off, she was given an increment to boost her confidence. I am not sure what is the world coming to. Perhaps, being pretty really has its advantages in this world. I am just thankful that God has given me a brain instead of external beauty.

After leaving this place, I wonder where I will end up? Actually, at this point though I really wanted to try out Down Under, but there is still a possibility that I will give up on that piece of paper that cost me 6k. Just had a teleconversation with sis in the afternoon, she made me realise that the moment I leave, Mum will all alone at home. And I know, she is the only person and the only factor that will make me give up my dreams to explore overseas. If she just say it, I will stay. Filial piety is just part of the reason, I am just worried that if I leave, I will live to regret my decision. Everything has a time limit in this world and my mother is the last thing in the world that I would want to miss the time. Life is always such a dilemma. And I know, even though she do not want to see me leave, she still support my decision.

If things go smoothly for me, I wonder what can I expect in a foreign land? How will I combat my loneliness? And findng new friends, starting all over. All these questions keep spinning in my head everyday. And to tell the truth, this is one of the toughest decision that I have to make. For the past one year, I have been thinking to leave or not to leave. I know myself. If I go, no matter how harsh reality is to me, I will still survive and become a better person. If I stay, I will always wondered what would have happened if I left then....It seems if I choose to go, I should be flying higher than I will be now. Perhaps I could see all my shortcomings more clearly, I would grow up instantly and become a more mature and less emotional person.

Something happened today that made me realise that if I am the only person left to make my own decision, I have to be much tougher than I am now. When provoked, I am just too emotional and may make the wrong decision. I really have to take care of my emotional side in order to progress in life. Endurance is the word. Hopefully what I have realised today will be able to help me in my future decision makings.

Lastly, I just hoped what I am wishing for will come true. I am just praying very hard now. If that comes true, I will be very grateful for the chance given to me just like I cherished my opportunity for making my mark in this present company. I will make sure I grow to become a better and less emotional person.

Hopefully, everything will turn out well. Praying very hard.

三十了

刚从热浪岛度假回来，心情是平静的。
选择在那里庆祝生日，希望自己有一个好的开始。
终于， 三十了。
三十， 对我而言，是一个新的旅程。

曾经说过，三十是人生的另一个开始。
在十多岁时，每天不断地啃书，为了将来。
在二十多岁时，每天为了自己的前途打拼，为了寻找自己的梦。
在三十多岁时，不再彷徨，对自己的生活有了一定的目标，为了享受生活。

我想三十的我，开始变得不一样。

三十的我，少了年少的霸气，多了一份成熟。
年少的我，可以为了一丁点小事，翻天覆地。
三十的我，遇到任何的事，虽然还是会动火，但是多了一份分析，不再理直气壮。
这，就是岁月的蹉跎。
人，因为随着经验的累积，开始学习成长。
三十的我，终于长大了。

三十的我，开始对生活没有太多的要求。
才发现，原来简简单单地过活，也是一种美。
三十的我，开始发现家的重要。
才发现，原来岁月不饶人，看见身边的人慢慢地老去，很可怕。
才了解，多余的时间应该腾出来给身边最重要的家人。
三十的我，开始了解有个伴的重要。
才发现，一个人独自走完一生，太孤独了。
才发现，两个人一起走完一生，那才算圆满。

三十的我，还是不断地在学习做一个更好的人。
我虽然不完美，但我努力地做一个好人。
学习说话少一点，聆听多一点。
学习从不同的角度，去看待一件事。
学习要看开，不要把情义看得太重。
学习要放开，不要太多的自我防备。
学习要如何变得更有魅力，成为我想成为的人。

三十的我，将迈上另一个旅程碑，
希望每天都能不断地鞭策自己，
让我成为一个有内涵，有知识，有谈吐的成熟妇女。

为三十的我，干一杯！

谎言，欺骗

今天，心情乱糟糟的。
我也不知道怎么了。
我自己也无法解释。

今天，无意地打开Yahoo Messenger，
看到你的留言，问候我。
其实，心里是蛮开心的，
原来在国外的你，还会惦记我。
你和我说，你会去悉尼公干一个月，
而笨蛋的我，一点也没有对你的话质疑。

于是，看到你上网，便和你聊了几句。
你说，你昨日回来了。
我很惊讶，因为你最多只走了一个星期。
你说钱用完了，顿时，我心里有一种无法形容的感觉。

我不知道，我和你之间，到底怎么样形容。
我一直都把你当成是一个好朋友，
对你一直没有要求。
我只是希望你，能把我当成一个朋友，
对我坦诚。

似乎，我的这个要求也太过份了一点。
从我们的谈话，很多时候，我都觉得你好象在隐瞒着什么。
我不晓得是不是太多疑了。
太多太多的巧合，都让我觉得你对我不诚实。

今天，因为这件事，心情乱糟糟的。
原因不是因为我对你有要求，
或是有幻想。
而是，我不喜欢象猴子那样被耍。
我不喜欢被人欺骗，尤其是被我当成朋友的人。
经过这个事件之后，对你我也心灰意冷。
我不晓得有没有错怪你，
只不过，我想累了。
不想去想，不想去问。

也许，我们因为不同的文化，
不同的背景，所以想法不一样。
你曾经说过，我容易受骗，
所以我一直牢牢地记住。
也许，因为这样，你对我从来没有真诚过。
我想，就当是一个成长的教训吧。

成长，都是要付出代价的。

气馁

好久好久，没有对自己进行自我治疗。
以往，只要碰到什么不开心的事，
我不是去海边大声吼叫，
便是听张艾嘉那清晰的声音，来平静我的心情。
今天，我选择了万芳的专辑。

最近，觉得好气馁，做什么事都提不起劲。
不晓得是生理上，还是情绪上需要调养。
今天，碰了一鼻子灰，整个人好像要垮了。

首先，是被姐姐方飞机。
本来约好了要一起用膳，
却因为她的临时的一个会议而取消了。
她还是她，始终不曾说出一句“对不起”。
不晓得，何时何日，她才会衷心地和人道歉。
希望那一天，我不需要等太久。

然后，上司又和我说了一个坏消息。
香港的project又要延迟一个月。
听了之后，心情很差， 很气馁。
似乎他走马上任之后，没有一件事办得好。
我觉得我的motivation 不断地在减少，
不晓得我可以忍耐多久。
我一直告诉自己，一定要沉得住气，不可冲动。
希望，我真的做的到。

最近，我发现我的朋友越来越少了。
不晓得是因为我的心情不好，还是事实。
MSN 上长长的contact list，
可是想找人倾诉， 却找不到任何人。
一种很悲哀的感觉。
是我累了吗？

虽然最近常和他有联系，
可是我发现他还是在利用我。
所谓无事不登三宝店，
他常和我联系，无非是需要我帮忙。
真的感觉心灰意冷。
或许我们之间的感情，只是建立在能在我身上得到好处吧。

和你之间的情谊，
我想我也有点冷却下来。
我想，我累了。
不想去想，去猜测你有没有骗我。
从何你我之间的对话，
我觉得你似乎特意隐瞒一些事。
累了，我不想再多问，也不想再保持联络。
算了吧，散了吧。

看到同事们，我也觉得累了。
也许，很多时候，想法都不一样吧。
我不想一直留在comfort zone 里，
面对一群踏不出comfort zone 的人，
真的有点受不了，可是我却得逼自己接受。
有时候，真的想头也不回，就这样走出去。

最近的我，到底是怎么了？

成熟

最近刚和几个旧同事聚会，和他们聊起我的工作时，
其中一位同事觉得，我的处事待人成熟了。
事由因为最近上司请了一名漂亮的女员工，
虽然她的工作表现不好，态度还算不错。
我生气，不是因为她不好，而是上司请错人。

或许，这位同事是对的，在待人处事方面，我的确少了以前的霸气。
这三年来，在这间公司任职，让我放眼看天下。
这世界上没有永远的朋友，更没有永远的敌人。
刚出道时，只要我认为那个人的表现不理想，
我会毫不犹豫地给警告。
后来，我发现我真的不可以用自己的要求去衡量别人的表现。
毕竟，我们是不同的人。
说穿了，只是一份工作，没必要搞到再一次见面时，连朋友都没得做。

我想，这应该是成熟吧。

最近，我似乎有点想通了。
在旧老板离职之后，我一直有点替他打抱不平。
甚至到新老板上任之后，一直都在做比较。
毕竟，旧老板是我难得遇到的好老板。
所以，我一直很欣赏他。
渐渐地，我的视线越来越狭窄，也越来越爱做比较。
所以，一直很不开心。

我甚至想，离职之后，去投靠他，放弃自己的梦想。
最近我才发现，有些东西曾经遇过，就应该满足了。
做人应该往前看，不应该一直停留在过去的时光。
更不应该为了欣赏的人，放弃自己的梦想。
如果这样，我以后一定会后悔，
更会走不出旧老板的影子。

不晓得， 这样算成熟吗？
还是领悟呢？

无论如何，路还是要自己走出来，
不应该被别人左右着。
虽然我不晓得，我会不会再一次遇到我欣赏的上司，
可是毕竟是我的选择。
无论结果如何，路上的风风雨雨，
应该会陪伴我成长， 成熟。
也会把我推向我更想成为的人——
一个成熟，有内涵，有谈吐，有魅力的女人。

希望我真的可以成为我想成为的女人。

Taken for granted

Let me start off with a cheery mood though i think i had a bad week. Yes, finally i hit the target i set for myself abeit one week late. Anyway, it feels good. Finally, i understood the meaning of zig zag diet. Yes, i learnt something important too, never give up halfway, no matter how hard the road is. I think that is one of the good things that happened to me this week apart from Grandma's birthday which i took lots of pictures. I was being sentimental because I know next year this time, i would be in a foreign land alone, lonely. So i need all those beautiful moments to be captured.

Something happened this week that made me realise we tend to take things for granted and i truly learnt a lesson, a lesson that i will remember, not to send out emails late in the middle of the night and most importantly, face to face converstaion is always better than technology.

It so happened that another fren of mine and myself would be in HK around the same time. So we planned to go trekking on sat. As we were ambitious, we decided to do 2 treks, one in the morning and one in the evening. Having that kind of plan, we thought we would do with a dinner at the peak and then a good night sleep in my hotel. After the morning trek, we would check in to her hotel and followed by the evening trek.

It was at this moment we received news that two of our old time frens would be joining us. And we did have a some problem with accommodation. For sat, it was all right as my fren's hotel could accommodate 4 persons, but i had a slight problem with 4 in my hotel if sat was going to be a busy day. At first, i tot it would be good to have all 4 in the hotel, we could have an all night out. After much consideration, i tot it would be better for the 2 gals to get a hotel due to the long journey ahead on sat.

Hence, having discussed with my fren, i wrote an email in the middle of the night and listing down some of the hotels and logistics stuff. Happily i tot everything was settled, and i tot everyone should be happy and everyone would take the content of my email as it is. Alas, i was wrong, very wrong.

That very morning when the email was sent, i received a "weird" sms from one of the gals. She is considered a close fren who knew me well enough. She asked if i was uncomfortable with 2 idiots tagging along. From that message i knew, somebody misinterpreted my message. Oh my god. Then my fren agreed, said the content of the email could be misleading. It was better to talk face to face though she knew i did not have that kind of intention to make people feel unwelcome. So at that moment, it dawned on me that i was being too curt in the email. I wished i have re-read the email before hitting the send button. It was never never my intention to mean the other way in the email. I felt i had taken our friendship for granted, that everyone knows me well enough to know my intention in the email.

That very evening i called the gal who sent me the sms. She told me she was not in anyway affected by my email. She knew of my good intentions when she read the email becos she knew me well enough. But she cant say the same for the other gal. She tot she was imposing on me. I cant blame the other gal. It was ten odd years we knew each other, but we were not that close and thus which led her to interpret the email the other way. After ending the first call, i called her immediately to explain the whole scenario. I felt it was important to clear up the whole misunderstanding as i valued all their friendship a lot and it was not worth it to fall out because of one small misunderstanding. This gal was apologetic as well. She felt she din inform us earlier that both of them were bunking in. Actually, i kept assuring her it was all right. Both of us were not in the least imposed. Just that the logistics we had to settle before they reached HK.

After the call, i felt so much better. It was a bad feeling to be misunderstood really. I was lucky that i managed to resolve it in time, otherwise i think everyone will be unhappy during the trekking. I also learnt an important lesson. Do not rely on technology tool to convey messages especially important ones that are personal related. They do not have tone and it is easy for the messages to go the other way. Lastly, do not take anyone for granted especially people who have been close ard you. It is always good to exercise some form of repsect between frens.

Hopefully the 4 of us can enjoy the trek in HK and make it memorable.

Searching blog

It is another Sunday, tomorrow Mr Xie Ting Feng will be coming back from Bali, wonder how he will spin off another new story with his Zhang Bo Zhi...haha. Anyway, I cannot be bothered, just counting down. This week i hit another plateau. I am taking it better than the previous time, maybe the first time is always the most difficult. Once you crossed that barrier, you will know how to handle yourself better. Whatever it is, I am not going to give up. There is always a tomorrow. :D

Met up with an old friend last Saturday. The meeting was spun off because she felt I was having some relationship problem. My vietnamese friend mentioned about transitting to my homeland and suggested a possible meet up. Anway, I am not too keen in meeting up. Actually at this point in time, I still do not know how to define our relationship. To me, it is definitely not love because I do not have that kind of strong feelings I once experienced before. My dear friend thought my love world had blossomed once again. I guess I am at ease with myself now, not having any expectations in romance. Truly, I am happy and contented. My only wish is I can get hold of a decent job Down Under. The rest can wait.

Anyway, it was a good meet up, catching up on each other's life. That is what old friends gatherings are meant to be. Just before we parted, she mentioned about a blog. Yes, a blog. It got me excited. Well, there is always a curious side of us, isn't it? Actually i have only read one blog that is written by a fren and i do not have a habit of reading other people's blog. But since she mentioned, i guess she is hesitating to tell me something (my imagination ran wild.....) Maybe she wanted to tell me something she could not put across, or maybe she just wanted to share her thoughts with me. I do not which, but the curiosity got the better of me and the very night itself, i started searching for her blog.

Come to think of it, i had known her for 10 odd years, but we have maintained a safety distance. During the progress of searching, suddenly i realised i did not really know her that well. I am an IT professional, and being equipped with the necessary skills, it is not difficult to track somebody down. But in order to do that, you need to at least know something about your target. For me, i tried a variety of terms that i could associate to her, but no luck. After 2 hours, i had to resort to sms for clues. In the end, it was one of the title of her posts that saved the days. When i finally found the blog, i realised her nick was something she mentioned to me many years ago (i got a fantastic memory). We were both fans of Wong Kar Wai and that was the last thing that could dawn on me to be her nick. I guess i really got to "relearn" things about this fren of mine.

I think at this juncture, my dear fren is still searching hard for my blog. Honestly, this blog was meant to be kept secret. I did not reveal my blog to anyone because that was the only way i could be honest with myself when i write. If i know somebody that knows me is reading this blog, at times i will take into considerations and write things that is not the "real" me. To me, that defeat the purpose of blogging. At least up till now, i can say all the posts here were written without any considerations of anyone's feelings, at least i been truthful to myself. Hopefully even when she managed to find my blog, i am still able to write using my real feelings.

I guess it is good to blog about your thoughts. Everyone, no matter how many friends you have, you are still you and it is the truth that none of your friends can ever see the true side of you. What they can is just to see part of the true you. By writing down your thoughts, you can see your own true self and it is through these that you reflect, progress, mature and become a better person. For me, bloggging is a way to relieve my thoughts though in recent years i have not been thinking that much. It is a way to tell me I am still a good person though in real life, many people see the "mask" i have been wearing and i feel most of the times i been wearing a very ugly mask. I guess that is just a way of hiding myself behind a shell. I do not like people to know too much about me.

Anyway for my dear fren, i hope you will continue to blog, to share your thoughts with me. We have progressed to different stages in life, so sometimes it is difficult for me to understand your thoughts. At this moment, i m still pursuing my dreams while you have decided to put your feet on the ground. Hopefully things will turn out fine for us. If things become difficult, endurance is the word.

Finally....:D

Well, it has been a crazy week since i came back from Hong Kong last week. Looks like my weekend is going to be work work work. I hate that idea. The thought of it really puts me off. I have started to work later than usual. The feeling of unbalance is coming back. No good. I guess I did not have a good week this week.

Ok, something to rejoice about is I have finally hit below 60kgs. Yes, cheers to myself, all the hardwork has finally paid off. The sweat, the pain, the ache all of it. For the past 10-15 years, I have never seen myself hit below 60kgs. The closest I came was 61.5 about 2-3 years back. Anyway, when i got back from Hong Kong, i was just glad my efforts paid off. Before I left for my business trip, I was praying hard that I would just maintain my weight. I was close to 60kgs then. When I reached Hong Kong, it was really tough on me. First of all, Hong Kong was a food paradise. It was dim sum, my favourite and all the good desserts all around the corner. Secondly, I was on business trip, so the users at Hong Kong had to do their part to entertain us. So it was good food all 3 meals. I decided that should be stopped. So in order not to miss out the shopping, I went to gym every morning at 630 am. I thought that was really crazy of me. Luckily, this trip I was quite free that I could wake up at 6 every morning to go gym.

My typical schedule when i was in HK. At 6 am i would be awaken by the ever reliable mobile alarm. After some battle to get out of the bed, I would rush to boil water so that I could get a cup of hot tea before i ran down to the gym. Jason said hot tea would help me to burn faster, increased my metabolism. After that, it was about 1.25 hour at the gym. Then i would rush up again and prepared myself for work. That included showered and touching up and I would rush down to meet my ever early colleagues.

Actually I amazed my colleagues. They could not believe that i could actually get up at 6am everyday to go gym. Well, when i wanted to do something, my determination would be so strong that it beat everything. They feel i m depriving myself. Actually to me, that is a challenge in life. It shows that if i wanted to acheive something in life, i can go all out to do it. It tells me that in life, nothing is too difficult for me if i have the determination. Honestly, i do not feel deprvied at all because after every session of gym, i feel so good that my whole body is energised. It is something not many people can understand i supposed.

I feel i am still going strong. After this sunday, i m going for the ultimate challenge. My last 30 days challenge to reach the ultimate weight i have set for myself when i started on the personal training programme. Even if i do not reach the target i set, I think i can be proud of myself for all the achievements that I have had. My friends who had not seen me for a long time was shocked to see me losing so much weight. The people in the office told me i have to get tighter clothes and some old time friends were urging me to stop losing weight. But i m not really to call it quits yet. 4-5 kgs and yes i think i can safely say i should be there. And finally, i will never ever get the fats that i lost back.....is a promise to myself.

It feels so good to lose weight. My mind is strong, my training is intense and my nutrition is on the right track.

写万芳

昨日，和友人去看了于台烟和万芳的“好情歌”说唱会，
找回了那种好久已经没被感动的感觉。
直到现在，心情还无法平息。
我想，就如万芳说的，
如果把回忆放在脑袋里，回想起来，也会是一部很美的画面。

万芳的歌，其实陪伴了我无尽的岁月。
早在中学时代，就被她的歌声迷倒。
天生有着一副好嗓子的她，
却不曾大红大紫，
给我一种怀才不遇的感觉，
不禁怜惜她。

第一次看到她的现场表演，
是在十年前的一场校园演唱会。
第一次听到她的清唱，
深深地被她的声音迷住了。
再听到她的说话与举止，
我觉得她又是另一个有内涵的女人。

于是，我一等再等，
一等就是十年。

这一次再见到她，
又再一次被她的歌声迷倒了。
她是一个很专业的歌手，
歌唱时，全情投入。
我想她的歌声之那么动人，
多少与她的投入有关。
她要求台下的观众不要拍照，
因为闪光灯会影响她的情绪。
观众们，因为她的投入，也很听话。

她一开口说话，和她歌唱的时候，
是截然不同的人。
歌唱的她，歌声非常有爆发力，
说话的她，就好像一个小女人，很有魅力。
我还记得，她说，她好久没来了。
大家都成熟了，都长大了。
她说，就像她的“Fly Away" 歌词里，
想要成熟就要接受不完美。
多么发人省醒的一句话。
是的，从第一次听这首歌到现在，
我已经长大了，已经成熟了。
而如她说的，我也接受了生活的许多不完美。

她说，当她唱“试着了解”时，
台下经常有许多人在哭。
说真的，当她唱那首歌时，
的确触动了我的心灵。
眼泪也在眼睛里打滚。
我想我想起了他。
和他的无所不谈，到最后的无话可说，
我都试着了解。
我想，就如歌词里唱的，
他的喜悲，都不想我陪，所以我试着了解。
之前我就很喜欢这首歌，
可是在一次听到万芳诠释这首歌时，
又有另一番风味。

我想，万芳是除了张爱嘉， 刘若英之后，
我欣赏的另一个有内涵的女子。
虽然她不认识我，可是我希望她一切都好。
希望如她所希望的，每天都睡得好，吃得好。
天天都开心。
祝福你。

谢谢你，因为你的歌，
让我找回那很久没被感动的感觉。

香港篇 （于Excelsior Hotel)

终于到了香港。这是我的第三个站，也是最后一站。
感触很多，一直在倒数着离家的日子，离开熟悉的一切。

这是我第二次到香港，其实并不喜欢香港。
原因是应为太热闹了，不适合度假的心情。
这是我第一次到香港工干。
我发现其实， 香港人都很勤劳。
原来，香港比较适合公干的心情。

这次来到香港，意外地太空闲。
于是，我便到处走走逛逛。
才发现，香港的服务水平真的比新加坡高。
也发现香港的夜生活，的确比新加坡精彩。
就趁这最后的两天，
好好地感染她的朝气蓬勃。
让我好好地记住在香港的那轻松心情。

香港那冷冷的天气，
那懒洋洋的心情，
那充满人群的街道，
那数不尽的美食，
我都要一一地记下来。
因为我不晓得这会不会是我最后一次的公干。
我一定要把公干的心情都记下来。

Weighing Machine

Hmm, it is another grey week for me. It seems the effort put in and the results of the weighing machine do not tally again. :(

Eversince i started on my PT (personal training) program, i have been weighing myself consistently. Sunday thus has became the day that i love and hate. The mixture of feelings when i stand on the dreaded weighing machine. The feelings i think is like a prisoner sentenced to the gallows. If it is a good week, i would feel like a prisoner that had been granted appeal. If it is a bad week, the feeling is like counting down to my deadline.

I would say it is really emotional draining. It seemed i hit another plateau again. I have been at this weight for 2 weeks. Not sure if the CNY has anything to do with it. When i looked back at the food diary, actually, this week i have been eating more than the normal. Shouldn't i be feeling happy that i managed to maintain my weight?

Actually to be honest, i have been making good progress apart from the figures from the weighing machine. My clothes are much looser, i feel stronger and my body is more toned. But, the facts and figures do not tally and i need to do something to lift myself out of this plateau.

In another one week, i will be off for business trip again. Really dread business trip because it means i will be out of sync on my diet and exercise plan. Hmm, when can i go below sub 60? I remembered one of my goals is to go below that sub 30 for my waistline. I have achieved that rather easily, but it was much more difficult for my weight.

Though it was emotional draining and demoralising, i am not ready to call it quits. There is always a tomorrow. I remembered there is a saying: Just keep working out, and you will get out of the plateau soon. This week, i think i have to review my plans with my trainer. It seems like for 2 weeks, i m getting nowhere. Hmmm.

Hopefully, next week will be a better week for me. Give myself a break on mon and thu. Cheer up, one day i will be there as long as i believe in my convictions. Hopefully the dreaded feeling of the weighing machine will soon go away.

Books

Happy Chinese New Year to all those who celebrate the occasion. It had been a good new year I must say. Probably I did the Chinese New Year with 'heart' this year. When you put your heart to something, the outcome is always different.

Anyway, it is said that Green is my lucky colour these few days. So Green it shall be. Was in a pretty relaxed mode probably due to the long weekend that has just passed. Went for a short progressive run today. Feeling quite all right. After the run, i decide to run down to the bookstore and grab a few books. Haven been reading for a while.

Actually, i had a few books in mind before i step ino Kino. Well, my first attempt failed. It was a Chinese novel by Rene Liu. The book went out of stock. No doubt I was disappointed, but perhaps it was just not meant to be. But, i will be back for the book, I promised. As i was browsing the Psychology section, I chanced on the Art of War. Actually, I have been eyeing on this book for a long time. I always felt i was too emtional at times during work. I ought to read some strategy book to improve myself. When i saw this book, i think it was fated. Without second thoughts, I grabbed it. I think I will start reading it tomorrow when i m bound for work.

I still had 2 books in mind. It was recommended by a guy whom i held high respect for. The first was The Tipping Point. After reading the synopsis, it sounds like an interesting book. Another kind of book that offers a different perspective to things. It is a pretty old book, published back in 2001. Back then, i have not appreciated the essence of readng. As you grow older, you tend to become more indoors, i guess. The second book has to do with Economics. It is called Freakonomics. Frankly, i am not really interested in reading serious book about analysing the economy, how to get rich etc, how to manage your finances. But this book caught my attention because it was written in a rather hiliarious way. So i grabbed these two as well.

Finally back to the Psychology section. Was contemplating on grabbing a book on Stumbling on happiness. I decided otherwise. Give myself a break. After i finished all these books, maybe i will make another trip down to Kino. Take it as a chance to reward myself.

It is really funny that i begin to read more as i grow older. Wonder if that is a sign of aging. I used to hate reading, it had more to do with my character. I was like a wild horse that had to be on the run all the time. Reading, to me is a sign of weakness, a sign of timidness, being indoors. Alas, as i grew older, i realised i have to read to improve myself. Maybe the wild horse has became an old horse that needed rest. Whatever it is, i am enjoying every bit of my new found hobby.

Indeed, it has been a fruitful day, stay happy.

p.s. received a very weird yahoo message just before i knocked off from a fren in Hanoi. Not sure what went wrong for him today, whatever it is, i hope he will be happy and stay strong. Is a pity i cannot be with him all the time, but i m rooting for him always.